2 Years Apart ~ when does is REALLY get easier?

My boys are 2 years & 2 weeks apart (planned, thought it was the ideal age gap at the time). Now 3 + 3 months and 14 months old, its still very hard, logistically. Such different needs, no integration.

In a moment of optimism, i thought i could do a quick trip to the shops, post a card & pick up a couple of urgent items. I avoid the shops because it always ends in tears, usually mine LOL. My little one is a mover & shaker, no time for sitting down so hates all 3 of my prams, strollers and doesn't like being in a carrier. The only option is a shopping trolley seat, and even then you have a window of maybe 10 mins and have to be moving the entire time. My toddler feeds off the little ones mood and copies whatever he does. Food is an essential distraction.

So the stormy weather had cleared, i thought i could do a quick trip. However got them in to the car and it started raining again. I gave the baby a muesli bar and promised my toddler a packet of lollies once we got to the shops (lollies in our house are small pieces of dried apricots ;)) Arrive at the shops and find a really close space but still have to get across a road carrying the baby and holding the toddlers hand. All going okay so i think i might book a quick appointment at the hairdresser, bad idea, she's going on about colour chemistry and the baby throws up on me and my handbag. Silly me thought we could get by without the baby bag so i have no tissues, nothing! he spits several pieces of muesli bar on to me which i have to hold in my hand. At this point my toddler starts asking for the lollies, the baby is fidgeting and trying to get down, which i can't do because he only has socks on as he always takes his shoes off in the car so is not wearing any by the time we get anywhere. So leave the hairdresser and try to walk the 50 metres to the trolley bay as i can't carry the baby, my bag and the mushy bits of muesli bar because my back is killing me from a long term neck injury. But on the way i get stopped by person with a stall, and i am too polite to ignore. Listen to a brief business speil. Toddler is whinging louder about the lollies which i can't get out of the bag as my hands are full. Person must realise this as she offers to put her pamphlet in my handbag... would have really appreciated it if she could have gotten me a trolley instead as thats what i really needed. Make it to the trolley bay, every single trolley is wet except the ones with the infant seat. So i have to sit my baby inside the trolley and my toddler walks. He then gets very upset as it means he can't get the lollies as he refuses to put down his car that he brought because he doesn't want the baby to touch it, so he has no hands to carry the lollies. Things are going down hill, i realise i need to hurry. Get inside and the baby keeps banging his head on the infant seat and trying to climb out of the trolley. Tantrum from the toddler is brewing. I promise profusely he can have the lollies and muesli bar if he can just get through the next 5 mins calmly. The baby starts squealing because he wants to get out, the toddler starts copying because he wants the lollies. Then he wants to get in the trolley, screams louder when i tell him theres no room because i know having them both in is a bad idea. Everyone is looking at me. Rush through and think God has smiled down on me when i come across a normal trolley! quickly make the switch, okay its easier to push now. But my toddler is screaming loudly because he wanted to sit in the baby seat, so i put him in the trolley. Still screaming, wants the lollies. My baby (Houdini) has somehow managed to get the seat belt undone and is standing up! I am trying to re-seat him and give my toddler the lollies, who is now whinging about the stuff in the trolley being in his way. Baby is now having a melt down, doesn't want to sit, doesn't want dummy, doesn't want anything. Toddler is whinging, about what i have no idea. Rush through trying to grab what i need. Baby is hysterical so i get him out to carry him while pushing the trolley with my toddler in it. Get through the check out, am struggling with the baby and to put stuff in the trolley. Service person standing there with a vacant look and says "you haven't pressed enter". Trying to find the enter button and my baby is pushing all the other buttons. This is ridiculous. Get out and have an inner dialogue with myself about making it to the car, positive affirmations. I must be smiling like a crazy person, because a lady comes up to me and asks if she can help me get to the car. I am humiliated, i don't do help... I thank her but say that it's okay. Its pouring with rain, and my car is about 20 metres away. I realise the service person has put my stuff in a plastic tub i got to replace a bucket. I don't know how i'm going to get that and the kids across the road. I realise i should have accepted her help, i know i am stubborn, and realise it was silly and not the time to preserve my pride. I decide the rain has eased off enough and so take the whole trolley to the car. It pours again and we all get wet. Both of the boys are screaming, they're over it and so am i. Bleh. Decide never to go to the shops again. Bleh, curse having a 2 year age gap. I don't know why we thought it would be so great for them and us. I'm yet to see the benefit.

Everyone keeps telling me that it does get easier. It's not just today that things were difficult, things are always rather difficult, even when theres 2 of us on a saturday. I'm wondering realistically when does it really get easier? when they're 3 & 5, 7 & 9? Trying to remember the bigger picture, but things like this are so disheartening. :(

:hug:

I had my kids 18mths apart. I know exactly how yu feel. It's so much hard work isn't it.

To be honest it got better for me once the eldest one started Kinder. They're 10 & 12 now and still fight like cat and dog but it's NOTHING compared to having 2 toddlers.

Are you able to have them in child care once a week for your own sanity? I found that having 1 day a week 'off' helped me deal with them better.

Sloooooowly getting better here as DD starts to play better. Still dealing with 3yr old "no that's mine", "go away" and the hitting & spitting! Oh my goodness! LOL (all this from DS) but the nice playing is increasing over time :) Still got to go through this stage with DD yet so that will change the dynamic again once she starts standing up for herself LOL.. but definitely they will start interacting better soon.

I will say he is only like this with his sister! Plays better with other kids and behaves better for other adults.. *sigh* Hoping it's just a testosterone surge making him feel the need to be the alpha male around us girls LOL.

I'm rethinking the next conception plan after reading that!

Yep, at this stage i recommend this age gap to NO ONE! I saw DS1 with a baby and he said "what a cute baby" and i was thinking maybe 3 years would have been a better gap. I realise every age gap has its challenges, but any other age gap just seems more appealing at this point.

hehe... I still do like this age gap (19mths). I haven't really had nightmare shopping trips or anything, certainly have challenging days, but figure that happens whatever the age gap. I'm out and about with my two by myself a lot and they're good. It's more the fighting at home that gets to me.. but as I said that's improving as kayla interacts more. She's an obedient follower at the moment so DS is in his element leading the games. They've recently started really inviting each other to play, and making sure the other has some of whatever is on offer (thinking of this afternoon at nanna's when she produced some lollies and DS got all excited and ran up to Kayla.. do you want a lolly? can kayla have a lolly? LOL)

I try to keep faith that they WILL continue to like each other more ... no point despairing LOL.. altho some days I could just walk away!!

Wow :o:hug: I certainly hope things get better for you

Thanks for the insight. I've always thought a 2 year age gap was the ideal. Does a bigger/smaller age gap make much of a difference? And is it the age gap or the differing personalities that makes the difference?

Have to admit that i still love the age gap of 18 months between my oldest 2. It is hard at the start but is so easy now (well would be if i didn't have #3!). I think it would have gotten easier around a year ago (like i said, if i didn't have 3) because the older 2 play together so well for hours on end and entertain each other, but then they did do that from when #2 was about 18 months old so maybe i was just lucky. They do have off days where they fight all day then it's bl**dy awful but mostly fine.
Hope it gets easier for you soon
Julie x

See the differing personalities played a role in our initial decision. Our first son was (and still is) very placid, compared to our second he was so easy to look after as a baby. He rarely cried, and was just very low maintenance. Our second was a shock to the system! Cried for months due to various health issues, crying is really stressful when its not something you're used to. I thought tandem breastfeeding would be a great way for them to integrate and for my toddler (then 2) to feel included. It was so difficult and i had to stop after 7 months, again more reasons than just the logistics of tandem feeding.
As i started to see Ds2's personality emerge it was clear they were like night and day! Ds1 would only ever sleep with us, so we co-slept for 2 years. He was a pleasure to BF, whereas DS2 wasn't, again, health issues for both of us and no support made for a difficult BF experience. Weaned at 7 months and he was so much better on formula, whereas DS1 was BF for 2 years & 8 months. DS2 is so active, we've had to childproof so much stuff we didn't have to with DS1.... things he would never have touched my second is right in to. It's weird! Also DS2 would never co-sleep! he would muck around until we put him in the cot and then go right to sleep. I bonded with my first via BF & co-sleeping, I've had to see that i can bond in other ways with my second with whom we needed to do things differently.

So it was going by DS1 personalit that we thought all babies were like that, so we thought having 2 wouldn't be too difficult but it really has been. I had no idea that i could have another baby and it be so different from my first!

oh, just realised who you are - nice new name! i know your lovely pair are very full on but hopefully soon things will improve
hugs
Julie xxxx

Thanks Julie! I shouldn't complain, i do get compliments on them all the time, just tend to forget those in liew of the bad days!

I have thought about daycare but was thinking on a wednesday for my older one so i can spend some quality time with the baby and catch up on housework. But i'm still in two minds about daycare. Plus again, my stubborness, i feel like i should be able to manage without having to outsource ;)

Oh my. Having a second is a bit of a terrifying prospect. *rocks back and forth muttering 'one is good, one is good'*

I must compliment you on your well written post. While it sounds like an extremely difficult and discouraging shopping trip, I was torn between laughing and crying when reading it. I had to read it out to my DH who was wetting himself laughing (possibly because such trips would not be a daily reality for him if we have a second). Well done on a well written post, and well done on getting through your day.

Maybe your boys will appreciate the age gap when they are older....

:tmi: Tan I'm not listening, I'm not listening....

;) just joking hunny. You know what? You are my hero. You handle everything that comes your way with grace, no matter how tough things get. The fact that you are daring to go to the shops witht he two little ones in tow is an inspiration to me. In another few months I'll be right there, feeling your pain.

Big :hug: hun I can only imagine and dread how difficult it's going to be. Hang on in there. And remember you don't have to be super mummy- help, in any form, is definately a good thing.

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:hug:


To be honest it got better for me once the eldest one started Kinder. They're 10 & 12 now and still fight like cat and dog but it's NOTHING compared to having 2 toddlers.

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Even when they're older you can have a BAD day! Though being older they are more inclined to listen to reason, it can be more frustrating because you know they can but they don't :wall:


Totally OT Tan, but I couldn't go past this bit without saying something

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(lollies in our house are small pieces of dried apricots )

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Check your packets of dried apricots for preservative 220 or sulphur dioxide. It's a baddie! Seeing as you've made a lot of effort to eliminate annato then this could also be causing an issue. I know it does for me! It gives me asthma and makes my heart beat out of my chest.

Thanks Lorirae, that's a lovely thing to say :)

Sammi, yep we are failsafe so no nasties here! you can some buy sulphur free dried fruits in the health food aisle, they taste so much better too, and the sultanas are softer and less munted.

oh holey crap, im 28 weeks pregnant with my 2nd and DD is 18 months old.
Positives someone PLEEEEEEEASE!

Like I said earlier Kanda.. my two have been pretty good. We are out and about a lot, just me & them :) It's just the usual sibling rivalry at home that's a pain.. but you know what.. I reckon you'd have that whatever the age gap LOL. Mine are really starting to play really well together.. it seems to be getting better every day now. Once they're tired and irritable they fight & carry on, but I don't think I'll ever regret the 19mth age gap :)

Some days are damn hard I do admit!!!!! Mine are 19 months apart, and then I'll have around 15 months between DD and the new baby.... soooo... should be interesting!! haha!!

I think I'll be doing shopping trips by myself for a while ;)

:hug:

Yeah - kanda - look for work arounds :) eg.. if shopping is hard, do online shopping. Find a petrol station with pay at the pump so you're not juggling kids to go in and pay. Can't think of other examples at the moment..but I'm sure you get my drift :)

Kanda, my boys have 16 months between them and they play together really well.
I've taken them out a lot since day dot and since they know all the rountines and rules nine times out of ten we go the shops ect without dramas. I don't try to do a big weekly shop, we go to the shops and do a small shop about 5 days a week.
Every now and then they have a squabble but they're best buddies again a few minutes later.
My favourite part is eavesdropping on their conversations - they're so funny!! DH and I have to stifle our giggles or we get told off because "it's not nice to laugh at people" pmsl.

For what it's worth, I have four, all two years apart (we didn't plan it that way, that's just how they come ;) ) and it's going tolerably. Right now things are a little crazy, with a new born, and DD1 starting school for the first time, but I have no regrets/issues with their age gap. I think it's more a matter of personalities clashing or matching, rather than age difference. So to those expecting or TTC, I don't think you need to worry TOO much about spacing - each age has advantages and disadvantages.
To the OP - I hope your struggle gets easier as your little ones grow and learn to play together better! :hug:

I hear your pain! My two are 16months apart and I write this after having just tried to sneak into the bathroom to go to the loo in peace. NO CHANCE! DD came in and wanted to empty the nappy bin of it's contents to get at a broken toy in there, DS was trying to put his hands through my legs to get at the toilet cleaner thingy. Then DD wanted to go to the toilet too (she's toilet training) when all I wanted was to get them out of the bathroom. so I put her on the loo and took DS into the bedromm only to return to DD having emptied a half full toilet paper roll everywhere and trying to put on my lipstick.
I rarely go out anywhere without DH. DD is a runner and is so not worried about if I'm with her or not and she will not sit strapped into a pram, hold hands and nor will she wear a harness. A trolley is a good option for us too. DS is ok in the pram though will start to scream after an hour or so. But I just choose to minimise my stress and don't go out with them both. If I have to go anywhere one or both stay with DH or he comes with me. Sometimes I will get mum to look after one or the other if I really need to.

It doens't get easier in terms of life all of a sudden being an absolute breeze and the kids do exactly what you want them to do - it gets easier because you get to the point where you know your children inside and out - you know what to expect from them when you take them out and you deal with it accordingly - you pre-empt the tantrums or the escape plans, if you know you can't get halfway around the supermarket without one of the starting to whinge then you take food as a distraction etc. I hate to say it but it really does come down to you and how you choose to approach it because the buck stops with you. Any age gap is hard at times for different reasons so it wouldn't matter if you had a bigger or smaller gap it will still be hard. I am more busy now than I have EVER been now that the kids are older and we are getting involved in children's sport after school and on the weekends. Plus you often don't realise it but if you are not in a good place yourself it affects everything you do with your children. If you are overtired you are more likely to snap at things which normally you wouldn't bat an eyelid at and if you are struggling with your own issues then even if you had two perfect little angels life and the day to day grind will still seem like an insurmountable challenge that you can't win.

Very true Trillian. I know that I don't cope well with the stress of going out with both the kids at the momnet. I am so worried I am going to lose DD. Which I would never forgive myself for. So I minimise the need for me to go out with both kids on my own.

Mine are going to be 14-15mths apart (depends if #2 waits)... what am i doing???? lol

:hug: Ava'smum#1, Please don't worry about having a 16 month gap, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's so worth oit when you see your little ones being best friends.

thanks brontide my brother and i are not even a yr apart, he was born 4 days before my 1st birthday... still maintain the WORST b'day pressie in history :p

#2 wasn't part of our plan and def not this early, we are building a house (hopefully starting by the end of the yr) and will be moving once it's finished and obv after #2 is here... i have no doubts it will be hard but am over the constant #2 is going to be a psycho child etc etc as #1 is so calm.
Isn't it all in how YOU manage and react to them?

I don't know what to expect, i know it wont be easy but am looking forward to my 2 little princesses being very close friends... OH NO just realised the trouble we will have with 2 teenage girls.... LOL i'm sure they may pretend to be twins at one stage... hehe

Well said Trillian, and so true. I think I've become a pretty good pre-empter when it comes to going out. And I think because when we are out I'm a bit more organised and together, that's why the kids behave for me. It's when we're at home and the kids are idle and I'm trying to do other stuff that chaos takes over LOL. I have to remind myself to help them find something to do, like help them set up painting or something, and then things run smoother. It's when they are just hanging around that mischief happens.

Lilias - had to giggle at you on the toilet. That happens here too.

And TOTALLY agree with this:

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Plus you often don't realise it but if you are not in a good place yourself it affects everything you do with your children. If you are overtired you are more likely to snap at things which normally you wouldn't bat an eyelid at and if you are struggling with your own issues then even if you had two perfect little angels life and the day to day grind will still seem like an insurmountable challenge that you can't win.

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Overtired mummy and my two darlings = tears and tantrums from all of us! LOL. I have to remember that I am the adult here and it's up to me to calm situations, and like you say Avasmum, it's all about how you manage them and react to them. I think tho it doesn't matter how many times we hear that, we all learn it the hard way at times LOL.

I have four and one on the way with different age gaps.

19mths between 1 and 2
3 1/2 yrs between 2 and 3
almost 6 years between 3 and 4
and this time will be be just off 2 years between 4 and 5.

I dont think there is such a thing as a good age gap and each gap has its own positives and negatives. It does get easier to handle with age as they are a bit more independant, but the fighting gets worse.
My older boys are a good extra pair of hands when it comes to looking after their little brother but they are very much starting to get into their own lives and not interested in playing with younger siblings.

To be honest with you it is hard now (thats an understatement somedays) but I have chosen to have this gap this time as it works out easiest in the long run. I have seen it and know that their will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
You do it because you have to and you do what you have to ge through the day. You learn what works and what is the best way to go about each situation and you do it.

It is hard hun but hey what doesnt kill you will make you stronger, isnt that what they say. I must be one strong son of gun thats for sure!!!:p

My eldest was 4.5 when we had number 2 then 3 came along when 2 was 23 months old then 4 came along when 3 was 25 months old

I found around 18 months to 2 years it became easier. When they could play ect..

It does get easier.