Those Who Take Complete, Unconditional Responsibility For Their Own Lives.....

WDYT of this article? Especially about his idea that we sabotage ourselves because to be really successful would take us out of our comfort zone, that we prefer to be victims than agents.

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Those Who Take Complete, Unconditional Responsibility For Their Own Lives Are The Ones Who Consistently Accomplish Big Things.
By Daniel Herzner
By Nov 6 2008 - 1:38am

Something I find fascinating is that everybody - every last one of us - wants the best that life has to offer. Yet only a very small percentage of us will ever achieve anything better than mediocrity. Everybody wants a greater sense of financial security. Everybody wants to provide their loved ones with a good life. Everybody wants the peace of mind which comes from knowing that money will never be an issue or concern. Sadly, however, the reality is the overwhelming majority of us will never get there.

What makes this dichotomy more interesting is that the divide between the haves and have-nots has nothing to do with a person's race. It has nothing to do with a person?s sex. It has nothing to do with where someone was born, who their parents are, whether or not they finished their schooling, what field of endeavor they choose to pursue or how high their IQ is. Going all the way back to the time of cavemen, there has always been and always will be that much smaller percentage of people who are successful at whatever they choose to pursue.

But why? Why are there so many smart, sincere, hard working, well meaning people in the world who will experience little more than financial struggle all of their lives? What are the small number of people amongst us doing to live in financial abundance that the rest of us are not doing? As you contemplate this question you may come up with dozens of good answers. And, I?m not going not tell you that any one answer is better than any other. However, there is one good answer to this question that I'd like to focus on throughout the remainder of this article. And here it is: the most successful amongst us take full, unconditional, personal responsibility for their own lives. It's crucial that you completely understand the importance of this concept to get the most from this article.

For starters, those who fail to take full responsibility for their own lives are living in victim mode. If you blame your lousy job or your dumb boss as your reason for being mired in mediocrity, you're playing the role of a victim. If you're blaming the lousy economy for your circumstances then you're playing the role of a victim. If you ever find yourself complaining about anything at all, you guessed it, you're in victim mode. And, there simply is no such thing as a successful victim. If a victim ever did happen to somehow stumble upon success, that success would certainly be short lived.

Taking responsibility also means doing something - taking some kind of action - to help move yourself forward toward your goal. For example, let's say you have a vision board. On your board you have a picture of a sexy speed boat that you dream of owning. You stare at the picture of that boat every day. You meditate about owning the boat. In your meditation you see yourself in the captain?s seat cruising the ocean blue on a gorgeous, sunny day. Based on what you know on the law of attraction (through your vision board and meditation) you are magnetically drawing that dream boat into your reality. All you need to do to make the boast your possession is to visualize having it and it will be so. Right? Wrong!

The reality is that nothing on your vision board will materialize unless you take some sort of action towards actually acquiring it. You see, anyone who thinks the law of attraction alone will bring them everything they want in life is sorely mistaken. The law of attraction alone, when not combined with meaningful action, is worthless. Taking action also means taking responsibility.

Taking responsibility for your life means using your leisure time to read a good book instead of watching another useless television program. Taking responsibility means consistently engaging in some type of salubrious activity. It means learning something new that will add to your value in the eyes of your employer or your clients. Taking full, unconditional, personal responsibility for your own life is very empowering. When you come to the realization that your fate lies in your own hands, you?ll be giving yourself permission to accomplish any goal you set your sites on.

Taking responsibility for yourself also demonstrates that you understand that nobody else will make ?it? happen for you. You have to make 'it' happen for yourself. Now here's the real kicker - people, subconsciously, want to be in victimhood. As crazy as this may sound, most people are comfortable playing the role of a victim. They may not realize it or will disagree vehemently with this idea. However, if they were to take a hard, honest look at themselves they would see that they somehow would feel threatened by success because success would take them outside of their comfort zone. And that is where the real problem lies ? people, by their very nature, want to stay with what they are most comfortable with.

Finally, taking responsibility for your own life means that even though you may not be able to control everything you experience in life, you do have complete, unconditional control over how you react to that which you experience. Wow, how empowering that is.

In order to take responsibility for your life, take a good look at the areas you feel could use improvement. Start with just one area and begin to work at changing it for the better. Find a book, a web site or an article that can help you with the area you wish to improve upon. I don't care what area you wish to change for yourself, there is a resource out there which can help you do it. I can recall a time when I was in the bookstore and I happened to notice a book on how to properly get a sun tan. At that very moment I realized that if there existed a book on how to sun tan then there has to be a book on any, and I mean ANY, topic known to mankind.

Folks, your life is in your own hands ? make the most of it. Once it's gone, it's gone for good. Make sure that when you look back on your life one day you'll see successes and disappointments but not regrets. Disappointments will mean that you tried; you gave it your all but came up short. Regrets will mean that you didn't even try at all. Please, don't let that be you.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/t..._who_consisten

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Isn't this assuming everyone wants lots of money?

I am responsible for my own life. I am on course to start making enough money that we're happy and comfortable - but can't jet off on holiday every month. I'm happy about that! I'd be happier if DH earnt more so I didn't have to work atm but that's DH's responsibility; mine is to support him so I'll do that.

What's more important to me is that I am responsible for my emotions and spirituality. Guess what - I'm happy, calm, relaxed, amicable, witty, (slightly full of myself LOL)... I'm HAPPY. That's more important than money. And I'd hate to be full-time at home: maybe if DS hadn't started Nursery and started nagging for it on Saturday it would be different. I'd love to only work part-time... which will happen. Not yet but in a few years it's happening. Because I'd rather work part-time and enjoy my life as well as my work rather than have a lot of money!

I do and it sometimes sucks - I had a few "is this as good as it gets?" moments in the last few years and it was tied in with finances.

I've moved on from there, when I realised to get some of the shiny things I wanted meant I had to do things I didn't want to do (wear a suit etc) it occured to me that I didn't want them that badly after all!

I worried that I would be living a mediocre life (sooo paranoid) until I realised that each day has the potential to be spectacular and there is nothing mediocre about going to bed each night with a grin on your face ;)

Hmmm ... this is timely. I've been thinking a lot lately about how I will look back on my life and there's a few areas of my life where I know, as things stand right now, I will have regrets.

It's actually got nothing to do with money for me, it's about a) whether I reach my potential career-wise and b) whether I've done anything useful (other than being a mum).

Regarding the career thing, the main thing that holds me back is lack of confidence/shyness so I'm going to see a counsellor about it. I think I've got to make a decision between a) accepting my shortcomings and always being an underachiever on the career front or b) starting down a very, very uncomfortable path and putting myself in situations that I generally do my very best to avoid like public speaking.

So I do agree with the gist of his article but it's a shame it was so focused on the financial side because, for me, reaching my potential is not about financial rewards it's about using my abilities to reach my potential.

He's writing in the context of entrapreneurship whic is why he's money focussed but I think that even though he's focussed on financial aspects much of what he says can be applied to other areas.

Ahhhhh, that makes sense Bron. I think what he's saying is very true.

Great article :) Yep, I've read this before and often wonder if I too am thwarting my own potential in reaching my goals. I interpreted the materialism in the article as representing any goal... travel... career... creative goals.

I see some of this in DH... the fear of leaving comfort zones... and so I sometimes often deliberately leave mine in a visible way to him just to "show him". For example, he struggles with public speaking too and so when the minister at church asked me to speak one Sunday I fully embraced it (while quietly crapping myself) but DH came along and when I walked up there to speak I gritted my teeth and I said to myself: "I'll show him!". DH is a bit like you Fiona, his career would FLY if he could manage a bit of public speaking... what's really confusing though is when i met him he was happy enough to get up on stage and sing every weekend :confused: anyhow off topic. ETA: though the thing with public speaking is that it really does get easier the more times you do it.

Comfort zones are interesting places. They are the waters that are slowly slowly brought to the boil without the frog even noticing.

:doh: this article makes me want to up and move even more!!! Ah! but for ME is moving a comfort zone in itself? :think: (given that I have lost count how many houses I have lived in). Maybe the path to my success is staying put for once!?

Honestly. I'm in two minds. There are lots of reasons people don't always achieve what they want to and it doesn't always relate back to comfort zones.

I know someone who has the mentality that if you just don't want to do it don't. Don't get upset or emotional, it has no value, it is completely irrational and unintellectual. Just don't do it and do what you want to do instead. Which IMO is bollocks. I am more than happy to step outside my comfort zone and do often. I am probably not in a good place to answer this question without my own "emotional filters" due to the fact he reads like this someone I know talks and this someone has an amazing amount of emotional growth to do if they are ever going to get anywhere in life. Not everything is an equation, and not always does it take the same method to get the same end result. We are not robots or machines. And the whole overuse of the word victim, don't get me started on that.

Too many things are intellectualised these days. And sometimes simple is better, and not just that but sometimes over intellectuallising just makes you seem dumb or your argument seem repugnant.

Not to mention the fact that a lot of people who do go far in this world are lucky enough to have come across their talents, and if you ask most they will tell you it was by pure chance. And there has to be an interest. And given the amount of abilities and opportunities in the world some people can unfortunately take to 50 before they figure out what it is they are meant to be doing and therefore enjoy, are passionate about and succeed well at.

And if everyone was successful would anyone be? And why does success need to be judged by your wealth, career choice or stature? To me success is more valued by how you keep your relationships, the morals you keep, if you can live a happy life and be a good person. Money is nice but its not everything. And a lot of the baggage that one needs to work through in order to be successful in my mind isn't something you just do or don't. It's never that easy.

So IMO I think this person is simplifying something by intellectualising it, which is in turn denying many different factors that contribute to success. And do or do not is not it. All that does is make people feel crap when they happen to be a little bit more complex than that.

Yes I have my "emotional filters" on... but you did ask ;)

Yep the more I think about it, I would say his perspective lacks any emotion or growth. And emotional growth isn't being above all emotions.

And guess what else... I feel VERY successful (but I also think we shouldn't allow ourselves to think we are completely successful or we lose sight of personal growth and lose ourself in our own perceived perfection... what an icky place that would be!) :D

To extend - what this dude says is absolutely true. Especially in his context.

There are so many people that want something but are so totally unwilling to do anything about it. They just want the end result. I was really successful in my home business and others wanted a go too but at the end of the day they were just NOT willing to do what was required. And then decide it's some other reason why they weren't successful.
I could write a step by step guide to what to do for a certain situation and even then something else would always get in the way or there would be some excuse.

What annoyed my most was being told "oh you are so luuucky". Pigs bum I was - it was because I was fricken relentless in my pursuit of my goals.
I still see it now, I have people asking me all the time about how do this or that in business - and they don't seem to like the answers, or are surprised it requires so much work.

You can have the worlds best vision board but staring at it all day gets you nowhere, it should serve as a reminder to keep on trucking towards your goal, not trying to materialise something out of nothing.

At this point I've reassessed things because I know what's required and can't give that right now. I may as well enjoy my time at home with the kids cos it ain't gonna happen again, but when they don't need me so much I'll be able to give the time I need to my pursuits.
I'm not willing to return to f/t work - but that's no ones fault, it's my choice.

That's whats in my top sig - If I cannot find a way, I will make one.

Absolutely. And in my life thats true too. But I still think that its not as simple as just do it. Not for everyone. I've worked pretty hard to get where I am and it wasn't just "luck" for me either. I do think I had some breaks along the way, but I also wasn't sitting around whinging thinking woe is me. I think the woe is me mentality is a definite blockage, as is doing absolutely nothing about your situation. But I don't think just because you want to be the CEO of a multimillion dollar company (I wouldn't but some people see that as success) doesn't mean you will be, same for if you wanted to be an opera singer but couldn't hold a note.

As I said I am in two minds, but I think a blanket policy never works for anything. And I agree with him about the visualization board. You can ask for the opportunity but if you have no desire to change your situation there is no way you will succeed at anything. But wanting something and doing something isn't ALWAYS going to get you what you want.

I think that we make our own luck. I read an amazing article in New Scientist a few years ago about lucky and unlucky people. They got people who considered themselves lucky and people who considered themselves unlucky. Then they presented them all with a bunch of hypothetical scenarios and asked what they would do. The people who considered themselves lucky found ways to exploit oppurtunities and saw the scenarios as positive. The people who considered themselves unlucky viewed the scenarios in a more negative light and failed to notice ways that they could benefit from them.

I think that the point he makes about taking control of your reactions is very relevant - you may have no control over your inability to hold a note but you can choose to accept that, enjoy singing in the local choir and get on with finding another career that makes you happy or you can spend the rest of your life struggling to make it as an opera singer and bemoaning your bad luck.

I think this attitude to making money is too often extrapolated to more general areas of life when in reality, sometimes s**t happens and there's not much you can do about it, no matter how many times you try to make lemonade, kwim? Sometimes the universe doles out dreadful things in sequence.

The unfortunate corollary to this kind of thinking can also sometimes be that it is interpreted that if you are struggling, it's all your own fault. And, well, no.

A related idea that I got when doing a time-management course (was offered by CFA, accidentally to vols when it was supposed to be for admin staff, he he!) and it's this:

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Is what I'm doing right now moving me towards my goal?

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I guess that's a simpler way of putting that article, in some senses.
I did another course through the CFA a while ago that also helped mobilise me to do more things that were 'true to myself', though the mere fact that I'd applied for the opportunity after getting my arse joined up to the fire brigade already was a manifestation of my 'I happen to life' attitude that I adopted in my mid-20's!
There's always something that comes up that sheds light on something else that I had accepted without question before or that I hadn't realised was a comfort zone. I have so few comfort zones left that the ones I know about act as my refuge when things get a bit too much. I've been so busy this pregnancy, for various reasons, that on Mon and Tue this week I consciously slept in and told myself to do nothing. I've got 3 weeks to go, give or take...by Wed I had itchy feet again, so my challenge is to accept quietness and let it wash over me!
So, yeah, I wouldn't ever hold myself up as any kind of epitome of success for anyone else (been studying for umpteen years and not a single useful qualification out of it!), and I CAN say that I have lived the last 10 years according to what I value and I don't feel like I've failed myself, or been cheated out of anything. Even my mistakes are my own and no-one's getting credit for those, cos it would mean where I am now is someone else's fault. And I know it's not.
Not sure what kind of tangent I went on there - stream of consciousness that the OP triggered!

ETA: Toomany - I guess the way I've learned and been taught to counter the 's..t happens' part of life is to realise what things are in your control and what isn't in your control. No point getting worked up (to either polarity) about things that you cannot control. There is so much that you CAN control though, even your reactions to the things you can't ;)

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in reality, sometimes s**t happens and there's not much you can do about it, no matter how many times you try to make lemonade, kwim? Sometimes the universe doles out dreadful things in sequence.

The unfortunate corollary to this kind of thinking can also sometimes be that it is interpreted that if you are struggling, it's all your own fault. And, well, no.

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I get what you mean, there's no doubt that awful things can happen to us that are beyond our control but your post made me think of 2 women I'm acquainted with. Both of them lost their sons about 10 years ago. I'm sure that we'd both agree that life can't hand you a much bitterer lemon than that. One of these women resolved to be grateful for the time she had with her son and to live her life in a way that would make him proud - she founded a charity called Mahboba's Promise that does amazing work with women and children in Afghanistan. The other woman still hasn't moved on, she has convinced herself that the reason the police have never made an arrest in her son's case is because they are unwilling to and lives every day with the bitterness associated with those thoughts.
One woman has mired herself in victimhood and despite all the aspects of her life that should giver her joy she is miserable. The other one rejected victimhood and is happy and has achieved something wonderful.

I tend to agree with the principle, but there is one glaring problem with it. It doesn't take into account the external circumstances that may be extremely limiting on a person's life.

I remember saying something along these lines to someone many moons ago when I was at uni, how it is up to us how we view and accept our circumstances, regardless of what they are and how we got there. He said, "That's great for you or me as a white person with a middle class background and an education, but what about the woman in rural China who suddenly finds herself pregnant with a second child?"

So while I would encourage everyone (including myself, and I have) to look at their circumstances and make the best of the opportunities that are available to them in society (and in ours, there are many), it isn't, unfortunately, always that simple.

You can still make the best life you can, no matter the circumstances. Or you could wither away with anger, reproach and sadness.

Yeah, but it wouldn't be such a great life with so limited opportunities. And the idea that someone should just make the best of their life when we as a society need to be morally responsible for lifting standards (particularly those related to human rights) across the board is just as important as looking out for ourselves. JMHO

But who is to say who has or what is a great life? Dr Edward Bach in his studies of people and happiness noted those who were following their true path in life, be it a fisherman, teacher or mother are the happiest and most fulfilled.
Yanno - one mans trash is another mans treasure yadda yadda yadda.
I know what you are getting at though - for one thing I think many, many people's true path IS to help others.

A lot of what is being said here reminds me of yet another of my favourite quotes:

"Never waste a good crisis".

Bron: I think I heard a review on the radio about that study of people who consider themselves lucky and unlucky and the hypothetical scenarios... and yes, very relevant and interesting.

Lulu: Loved your post matey :thumbsup: I totally agree. The biggest bounds I have made in my life can be attributed to specific times in my life where I have focussed hard on the task at hand and just kept AT IT! It meant ploughing through lots of crap and self doubt but I just made sure I did it anyway. Completeing my tertiary studies was the last instance. The most frustrating part of the whole thing was dealing with uni admin. :wall: oh good grief! Many of the other students found this too hard and became really despondant. Oh and doing all this assessment work in a few compulsory subjects that just didn't inpsire me in the slighest... but somehow I got through... like Maya said: "is what I am doing getting me toward my goal?" well it was, so as bizarre as some of the tasks were to it's just what I had to do. I think what stalls a lot of people in working toward their goals is that they have a preconceived idea of what the path to the goal looks like... it's like they accept that it's going to be hard work... but as soon as something crops up that they didn't anticipate it throws them... and sometimes they stay thrown.

For me the hardest part is deciding on a worthy goal. Like Lulu, at the moment I suspect that the best bet is just to focussed on my kids while they are still young. But I still want to lay the groundwork for potential future goals. It's a bit of a gamble though.

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I know what you are getting at though - for one thing I think many, many people's true path IS to help others.

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I agree Lulu, in fact, I think by ignoring the pain of others we can never be truly happy ourselves.

Bath - it's true that focus/goals certainly makes things happen in our own lives. The things I have wanted and never doubted I would achieve/receive have happened.

I guess, what I think is that I am responsible for my life and my happiness, but I am also responsible for helping to make the world a better place for others in whatever (small) way I can (with my skills and abilities).

I think his concept is great. But I think it only works preaching to the converted, or those already living life by this rule.

Anyone who is not intelligent enough to choose a path that suits them, or emotionally sound enough to make the right choices is going to fail no matter how hard they "do it". This was what I was trying to get at, filters aside.

I believe wholeheartedly that if you want something you should strive for it. Its something I have done all of my life, through abuse, homelessness, heartbreak, poverty, infertility you name it. And at the time I cried for what pain I felt as is the human response, I still got up and moved on and did what I had to in order to put myself in a place that was what I deserved. And I am there. And I am happy. But I have ALWAYS had this drive. I don't think had I had this inner drive if I was not at a place to hear anything that reading an article like this would have helped. This is what I mean by one blanket rule doesn't work for everyone. And I do agree with the concept, just not the delivery for those that aren't there yet. And I was critiquing the article not just the concept... seems I took it too literally again ;)

Bath what does that saying mean?

Never waste a good crisis?

This is basically another way of saying "every cloud has a silver lining". Meaning if you stop panicking when faced with an obstacle and calm down... you might be able to see an opportunity. Crisis is a state of flux. It's a time when the well trodden paths disappear meaning you might feel a bit lost but if you look up and around you might actually see something new that you didn't see before when you had your eyes down looking at the path. I think this is what "lucky" people are able to do quite easily and quickly... they don't waste time panicking. They are cool with ambiguity.

LOL I hope I'm not over intellectualising :p ;)

I agree with his theory. There are many, many people in life who will want bigger and better things, jobs, houses, more money, etc, etc but what are they doing to change it? Nothing and they will always have an excuse. I've worked with people who **** and moan about how much they hate their job, hate their boss, yada, yada but when you suggest to them maybe it's time to find a new job, they'll come out with all sorts of excuses - 'oh the pay's good here', 'it means I'll have to update my resume', 'I have good mates here'...People make excuses to stay in their comfort zone. Some will take a long time realise that it is their choice and their responsibility to make something happen, for others the light will switch on a bit sooner. You can lead a horse to water...

I guess at the end of the day, what I'm trying to say is that life is just a series of choices. We choose our own path, we choose our own wants and desires and we choose how we react to others and to situations. It's all about choice and that choice is ours alone.

Absolutely bath, I agree with that completely. But as emotions go I also think its important to acknowledge an emotional response rather than just say "I'm not going to have one" because if you have to force yourself past the point of comfort in order to not feel something then perhaps you should be looking at the underlying cause of such a strong emotional reaction and deal with that, or in turn you could just be swallowing an emotion rather than stopping it. As a wise person once told me you cannot just stop a behaviour, you must replace it with another. Which is why when we have children and they are behaving in a certain way and we simply say "NO" they don't understand and don't often oblige because they do not know what they should be doing.

If I have a crisis sometimes I have an emotional response, and other times I don't and if I do I don't dwell in it but I do analyse it. And then I work on whats needed to get me out of whatever situation I'm in and work on that silver lining, and in my experience there is always one.

And no having an intellectual discussion, is not over intellectualising. Being smug about your intellect is what I hate about over intellectualising because to me if you need to be so smug you probably aren't even close to there, and smugness usually stems from some sort of other underlying issue.