What do you do with unwanted sleep advice?!

It's common knowledge around here that Z is still having problems with his sleep & we're now actually booked in to see a neurologist in a few weeks to see if we can get to the bottom of his issues. So as a result we get lots of advice on what to do, from CIO to putting him to bed earlier / later etc etc. Usually I just smile & say we have tried that, because honestly I think we have tried everything! Though now I have started just saying "thank you" and moving on. Even today I was advised to try a website dedicated to sleep. The site is run by someone I would never in a million years consider listening to (no need to say her name don't want any issues again ;)), ordinarily I would tell the person exactly that & why, but I chose to just say "thank you, I'll check it out".

So what do you do? Do you tell people you have tried that already or say no I won't try that because xxxx or do you just say thank you & ignore it?

Just curious :)

For a start Zander's sleep issues are NOT him being in need of ANY sleep training.

It drives me crazy that people automatically go for the parents lack of "training". Some people need to think before they speak. He's an awesome kid, and his sleep patterns are not consistent, I have known him to go days without waking.

I would say no I won't try that because xxx, and then say but thank you anyway and leave it at that.

I'm just so sick of it after 4.5 years people giving advice over & over. Do they really think we haven't tried everything possible?!

As for days without waking.... Weve had four in a row this week. He's such a clever little man :)

There ya go! Awesomeness :D And you are an awesome mummy don't forget that ;)

OMG - 4 days without waking?!?!!? Can you send him here to teach DS cos he still wakes up every night!!!!!

Hi Sarah,
I must admit I will often just say thanks because those people are trying to help and I also don't want them to feel like I am "judging" their techniques or parenting style if I tell them we would not consider, say , controlled crying or whatever, IYKWIM? I am a bit wussy lol! Even though i am quite passionate about what i want for my child, I often just keep it to myself as these people arent sleeping in my bed so I figure its none of their buisiness. I hope the issues get sorted soon x :hug:

For me I respond based on how the advice is given, how often and how insistent they are. If someone recommends to me "she who will not be named" I have to admit I do not hold back on saying what I think about her.

So normally I will just say "I am not comfortable with that" and if they push it I become less polite. I had someone harping on about how unsafe co-sleeping is and I ended up snapping back at her "well babies still die in cots by themselves, I think you should back off."

Sarah - I feel your pain!! DD is 3.5 and has never been a great sleeper. We have tried EVERYTHING and for long periods of time. Nothing has worked and too be honest I am sick of people suggesting that we need to try things - or just be firmer :rolleyes:.
You are definitely not alone and it is hard work. I have given up explaining or trying to justify our position and I just say 'Thanks that sounds interesting'. Very wussy and non commital but in the end easier for me.
Good luck at the neurologist - I hope there are some answers for you all. Try and take care of yourselves too. xxx

PS 4 nights in row is fantastic - hang on to that, I always do in hope it happens again soon, lol.

Oh Sarah I know exctly what you mean :hug:

Like parenting isnt hard enough wihtout well meaning family friends and sometimes strangers making even harder.

In the end I just never spoke of Ds sleeping habits and when people asked i would jsut say he sleeps like any other baby.

I am soo glad i stuck with my gentle techniques and my way as now Ds sleeps all night in his own bed and you know what he did all by himself.so hopefully the light is ther for you somehwere too :)

So I hope Z will work it out too and you can brush off all the comments.
:hug: :hug: xx

:hug: mate.
Deprnds on how fragile I'm feeling on the given day. Like Aimz I usually smile and say thanks as I've nearly had my own family disown before because I actually said what I thought about a suggestion.
FWIW though. Z is a lovely little fellow and his sleep is none of anyone eles business. I have told a few people that in my time too ;)

I apply the nod and smile, and thanks... and usually file it away in the recesses of my brain, never to be accessed again... Until you see them again, and they ask you how you are going with the issue :rolleyes:

Good luck with your appt sarah. Hope you are able to fund the answers you need... xo

:hug: I usually blast them into 1000000 tiny bits with my special death ray that I keep for such occasions.
If I've left the death ray at home I just smile and nod and try not to hear them.

*Chuckle*

I like that one the best I think :D

I pick and choose...

if my SIL starts to tell me for the millionth time how her youngest 'only' had to cry for 4 nights in a row and then slept through... I turn my ears off.

If its someone random telling us to try this, that or the other, I usually do let them know that we prefer 'gentle' techniques.

If someone tells me that she's got us wrapped around her little finger, and she needs to 'learn who is boss', then I usually start my tirade. No holds bar for them :angry:

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:hug: I usually blast them into 1000000 tiny bits with my special death ray that I keep for such occasions.
If I've left the death ray at home I just smile and nod and try not to hear them.

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thats priceless!!

:hug: hun

:hug: Sarah, I actually didn't realise you had issues with Zander's sleep. It's hard going, I know, and my DS is alot younger! TBH, I don't tell that many people that we have any sleep issues to start with, so that saves alot of unwanted advice and comments. Those that we do tell usually don't offer advice, because it's obvious that we've worked to improve things for DS, so they're sensitive enough to realise that! And for those that we do get unwanted advice from, well, I pick and choose my responses. Sometimes I just nod and smile and say 'oh that sounds like it was helpful for you' (like I did this morning to someone who asked if we'd read babywise :rolleyes:), sometimes I explain that we're not into CIO, and sometimes I just say that we think that our DS is simply not a good sleeper, and now that we've accepted that life is alot easier! It really depends on who it is, and whether or not I can be bothered explaining our history, and reasoning behind our decisions.

I hope you can find some solutions Sarah, it is hard going, especially when the 'well-meanings' try to help. I had people suggesting all sorts of things a year ago, and then we found out that DS had allergies and sensitivites that were seriously affecting his sleep, and sometimes behaviour. Once we removed them he was soooooo much better, and I could say to people 'wow, wasn't it great that we didn't leave him to cry, when all that time he had something that was bothering him!'. That felt really good, I can tell you :D. I hope there is a similarly simple solution for you guys :hug:. And if it turns out that he's just not that great a sleeper (as I suspect my DS is), well be comforted with the knowledge that you won't be the one to live with it forever!!!! ;)

I just learned to pretend like it didn't worry me and say "well, he's hardly going to coming in to sleep next to me when he's 15!" or "I'm sure he'll sleep beautifully when I need to start getting him up early to go to school!"

I found that once I started going into detail about what was going on I got the unwanted advice which I suppose is fair enough...people generally do want to help (or feel superior because they think they know everything and their methods are the best :rolleyes:) so best not to engage in the discussion in the first place.

Take it all in. Educate yourself on other peoples ideas. Not just for yourself, but down the track, a friend might be having a few issues and from everything u have read and people have told u, u can get them to check out the websites etc. I NEVER dismiss advice. People are just trying to help.

I'm sorry Mumma Mia, but I have to disagree with you. I will not listen to people telling me to make my child cry & scream whilst I ignore him & I won't listen to the advice that tells me to go to so-called experts who suggest the same sorts of things. I would never ever suggest that sort of thing to others either, so no point in taking it in. My child is going to a neurologist in two weeks, suggesting that I make his room darker or give him warm mik before bed or sending him to bed early etc etc isn't going to help me or him.

I realise people are trying to help & I appreciate the thought behind it but after 4 years of the same suggestions over & over it gets a bit much. And yes the same people give the same advice regularly.

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Take it all in. Educate yourself on other peoples ideas. Not just for yourself, but down the track, a friend might be having a few issues and from everything u have read and people have told u, u can get them to check out the websites etc. I NEVER dismiss advice. People are just trying to help.

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Can I ask if you could honestly save up info and pass it onto someone else in good conscience if it is advice that you wouldn't take yourself? Or if it was just the dumbest piece of advice you'd ever heard or something that went completely against your parenting choices? I know I couldn't and I've been doing this parenting caper for quite a few years now. It would just go against every fibre of my being to pass on crap information - I couldnt' have someone tell me to use CC, disregard it because it's not what I do, and yet pass it onto someone else as something they should do.

Sarah, I just don't mention it - people probably think that Alister was a perfect sleeper because I rarely complained to anyone IRL or mentioned that he was having so much trouble when he was a baby with his sleep (not so much now thankfully!) but in reality he was a shocker! I guess i didn't say anything because it kinda avoided anyone giving me advice but also because I just didn't think they needed to know kwim? I think if you are polite when you do get unwanted or dodgy advice that you can't go wrong - they feel better for imparting their little gem of wisdom and you don't seem like you're ungrateful if you said thanks but no thanks ;) Or if it is the same people giving you the same old advice you could always say "yeah, tried that one the last time you suggested it, have you got any other ideas?" but that would only come across right if you knew them well enough LOL

Keep some really yummy lollies in your bag, and eat one for every sentence of advice you get.

Nelle, that is the best!!!!!!!

I think that is a great suggestion Trill - if it's the same old people, tell them it didn't work last time, and ask if they have anything new! :rofl: Classic!

Sorry Sarah, to laugh in your serious thread, not making light of your situation :hug:

I'm just honest.
Yep, tried that.
Uh-huh, that's interesting.
Nup, won't do that.

We're only 18 months in though, it must get very tiresome after a few years... congrats on 4 nights with no wakeups.

Haha Janie, it's all good :)

And Trillian, love it!

Hey Sarah for what its worth the guy who used to run my local fruit shop had a son who wouldn't sleep (I'm talking getting to the age of 2 and never sleeping more than 45mins ata stretch) and in the end they took him to a neurologist and I think it was some hormonal inbalance with him. But just when they were about to "diagnose" him it all went away the bugger grew out of it! Before that though his parents went thru hell trying to convince everyone they weren't doing the "wrong" thing and it was something physical going on. I know this won't help much but you are not alone in having these sorts of issues.

Sarah we still have 3-4 wake ups a week with Matilda taking an hour or so to get back to sleep... Its frustrating :hug: and everyone tells you what you should do and how you should do it. You are doing a great job staying sane!!! Thats the best thing you can do. If someone gives me advice... and it happens often :rolleyes:, I say "Well thats great that you think that would work...." and try to vaguely walk away....

I hope your neurologist helps!

geez.... u have got to be kidding. Someone in this forum has a different opinion and u snap. wow.

I just have alot of respect for people and when they are giving me advice, whether its against my parenting decisions. I will listen. I will discuss it with them. You have to understand THEY ARE JUST TRYING TO HELP. U have asked for this help... prob not so straight forward, but u would have mentioned that ur child is having some sleep issues. If u didnt... they wouldnt offer advice, coz they wouldnt know about it. Mayb thats the trick? if u dont want peoples "unwanted"advice... dont tell them ur problems. I dont do CC... but... i know ALOT about it. From speaking to different ppl when i was having problems with Mia. So what... its not for me... but i listened... i looked into it (i was curious).

Im sorry if this comes across as abit harsh, i mean that in no way.. im just getting my point across.

Who snapped? I simply told you that I won't take advice that goes against my parenting philosophy.

You assume I am asking for advice...... I posted after the mother of a friend, who I have not spoken to for a very long time (and never about my son's sleep) posted a link on my facbook page. I have never asked her for sleep advice. I have also never asked her daughter for sleep advice, she doesn't have children & I wouldn't ask someone that hasn't been there before, for advice. You also assume that I don't know anything about what has been suggested. I said I have tried everything in my second post. I said this advice is generally repeated. I know about CIO, I know all of the tricks to get kids to sleep. Don't tell me up on your high horse that you listen to every bit of information that you are told, because if you were told the same things over & over I am certain you would phase it out & not listen.

Actually, did you even read my post past the first paragraph? I said I know they are trying to help & I appreciate the thought, you don't need to yell this at me in your post.

The reason for this post was to ask what others do, not to be told what to do....



And thanks Rory, it's good to know there are other kids out there with a neurological reason for not sleeping, so we may be able to fix this :hug:

yeah i do actually listen to every bit of information that is told to me. EVERY single bit. Cant help it.. im a great listener :) lol

FYI, i wasnt yelling at u.. i dont know why u even said that.

And yes.. i answered what I would do.. im not telling u what to do at all. Its what i do.

How very odd that she would post some sleep advice to you if she knew nothing about it.... me personally, ide be worried she was stalking me. lol

So getting back to topic..

Mayb i got confused. I was trying to answer "what do you do with unwanted sleep advice".. not "what do you say when you get unwanted sleep advice".... but never mind.

At the end of the day, i just think everyone should listen to all the advice they are given. Even if it doesnt work for u, it may work for someone else. So I just take it in my stride, file it in the back of my mind and mayb some day i will need it.

Holly, whenever you type in capitals it is yelling. Its one of the first rules of online etiquette. And TBH I thought your post was quite rude too.

As for listening to everyone's advice, I think thats a bit silly. I've known people (who I no longer know) who think its perfectly ok to medicate their children to sleep (not because its been advised but just because) and then leave the house while said medicated children are sleeping. This IMO is akin to abuse and anyone that suggested a thing I would simply say no.

Not all advice is good, and you don't need to take it on, and ironically I could probably bring up a few posts where you've nicely and calmly told people you didn't want their advice and I can recall you saying something similar to me before. I parent my children the way I do because I believe this to be the best way for them. If there are things I believe to be cruel, dangerous, risk taking etc I'm not going to advise anyone to do it! Why would I?!

I will give you some advice now.... Writing in caps is shouting. If you don't realise you were yelling, then you should read up on netiquette, Lucy has done a post in the forum guidelines section, but you can get lots of info from google as well.

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Take it all in. Educate yourself on other peoples ideas. Not just for yourself, but down the track, a friend might be having a few issues and from everything u have read and people have told u, u can get them to check out the websites etc.

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Regardless of whether this is what you do, these three sentences are directly explaining what I should do.

im not even gonna bother writing a reponse to that. I dont know u people and im not going to let u attack me on a public forum.

ill leave it at that and let u get on with ur day. thanks for listening.

That's alright honey, if that's what you've gotta do. I was just protecting myself after being attacked in the first place.

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So what do you do? Do you tell people you have tried that already or say no I won't try that because xxxx or do you just say thank you & ignore it?

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Sometimes I ignore it - especially if it is totally useless advice (ie "just settle her" oh is it that easy is it... thanks I would never have thought of trying to settle her :rolleyes:) and then other times I take it on board, acknowledge that I have tried it or ask genuine further questions.

But if they start on with she who shall not be named then I do tend to ark up a bit... I ask them why they think those techniques work and then discuss the reasons and give my (I acknowledge somewhat limited) experience/knowledge of gentle parenting and why I won't try she who must not be named techniques.

I went to the Baby Show last weekend in Sydney and one of the stalls there had the book for she who shall not be named as well as some other products. I wanted to buy one of their products (a breastfeeding shawl) but when I went to pay and saw she who shall not be named on the desk I said I was no longer interested in purchasing from them as they supported her. They were a bit ataken back and went on to tell me how the techniques had 'saved their lives as well as their sleep' and I really should try it, I politely said that any person who supported those techniques was not someone that I wanted to transact with.

I know I am going to encounter many more of well meaning people as DD grows and I am worried I will become really sarcastic in my responses... especially to MIL who the other day suggested something that differed from my parenting style and would hear nothing as to why I didn't want to do that

Hope all goes well with the neuro :hug:

T I bow down to your awesomeness! I wish I had been there to see that! BRAVO!

Aw thanks Rouge :redface:

Awesome T, love your work :) I would never have been that brave!

I too bow down to she who is awesome!!!! Well done for being a shopper who chooses where her money goes and what that money supports. I can't give you enough :clap: :clap: for that honey!!!

Did I mention that you are a legend??? :hug:

Aw now I am really :redface: :redface:

I did end up getting the shawl from another stall. She who shall not be named just really erks me. Some of 'those' methods were used on my generations growing up and I understand that for my parents that was the norm but I can see things in my life that may be a result of some of those techniques and I would hate for the children of today to be exposed to it. I mean humans have realised smoking when pregnant isn't the best, that lead paint is hazardous but her books are still sold... it astounds me.

I would have loved to be a fly on the wall just to see the looks on their faces when you said that ROFL