Help! How do I tell my boyfriend I'm pregnant

I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 27, we have been together for 2 years and after the first month I found out I was pregnant...We decided to have an abortion, a decision I have regretted ever since. And I have now found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant again, this time however, I was taking the pill every day, without fail! So very unexpected! The complicated part of this is my boyfriend already has 2 children from a previous relationship aged 7 and 4 and half...a relationship that ended very badly and his ex has not allowed to see them since it ended, 4 years ago. And she has since had another child. This has been so hard on him and I've always tried to support him through it and have taken our relationship slowly so that he can learn to trust me, as I know he is so scared of the same thing happening again! He wants to find the children, but she has been very difficult and made the situation very hard so that he is scared and apprehensive about going through all the courts, and then there is rebuilding a relationship with his young kids after such a long absence!! He has said to me before that when I got pregnant before, he thought it would be unfair on his other kids for him to have another, when he doesn't fight for them! The last thing I wanted to do, was to throw this in his lap, when we "decided" to have a child, I wanted it to be a happy occasion and now it is going to be one filled with hurt! I would never be able to have another abortion, it has traumatised me and of course I have always wanted to have a child. I know that I am ready, but my boyfriend is not and this is going to crush him!! Things are going so well and he is really beginning to move forward with me in his life and now this is going to turn everything upside down. I don't want to lose him either! I just don't know how to tell him.......

Mmmm that is a toughy but firstly - CONGRATS!!!!!!

I guess all you can do is to tell him. It takes 2 to tango and like you said, you were on the pill. As for an abortion.....it is your body and your choice....do what you feel is right for you...regardless of the decision.

Massive *HUGS* to you.

xxxx

Best to be honest and up front no matter how hard it is (and is probably)going to be. I think he'd rather you be honest with him than hide it from it from him.
Like you said...it takes 2 and he needs to take responsability for his part in this. In the end, the choice is up to you... after all, your the person who is growing a new life inside of you.
Hope it goes well. We are here if you need to chat. :hug:

CONGRATULATIONS though :dance:

first of all CONGRATS!

Second: Sit him down and tell him honestly. The same thing happened with me and DH - we were using protection and I found out I was pregnant. His reaction was one of happiness, even though it was a surprise and we really really weren't planning a pregnancy. You never know what is going to happen, but honesty is the best.

goodluck

Congratulations.
Just be open and honest with him and I think you might be in for a pleasant surprise after he gets over the shock. You have done nothing wrong and these things happen.
All the best :)

Just wanted to wish you luck. Please be honest. Thats the most important thing. I understand how he feels about it being unfair to his other children, but it also might push him that little bit harder to try & find them.
Its unfair for him to put his whole life on hold at the same time. As much as he needs to get in touch with his kids, he does still need to live.
FWIW DH didn't meet his father til he was 19, & while he felt betrayed that his father didn't want to know him, he feels nothing against his father's other children. They aren't as close as brothers & sister yet, but they are mates for now :) DH actually went out of his way to find them after not seeing or hearing from any of them in 7 years.
I understand all your feelings too.
Good luck to you both xx

CONGRATS!!

I think you just need to sit down with him and be honest with him and take it from there

:hug:

Thanks for all your kind words!! I do want to be honest, i know that is the best way, but I am so petrified of the outcome and I know its going to change everything!! I hope that it will encourage him to fight harder for his other kids and that he will eventually accept this. But I do know that initially it is not going to go well...he doesn't react well with pressure and he is going to freak out...He is a very deep person, but he is terrible at showing it and tends to say and act the opposite of what he is feeling, because he is scared of his actual feelings! He is a pain (he is a man lol), and I love him sooo much!!

I really needed to just tell someone else, and I'm glad I came across this forum. I am a person that hates confrontation and keep bottled, but I know that I can't do that in this situation, but I know thats why I'm scared of actually having to tell him...arrggh life sure does throw its curve balls!!

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I really needed to just tell someone else, and I'm glad I came across this forum. I am a person that hates confrontation and keep bottled, but I know that I can't do that in this situation, but I know thats why I'm scared of actually having to tell him...arrggh life sure does throw its curve balls!!

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Thats the great thing about BB - I come on here, vent away and always feel so much better. Everyone is so supportive :)

Basically, he told me to sort it out quickly and demanded that either I have an abortion or do it by myself! He said he was not going to have a kid with me...not yet and that I was trying to stich him and that I must have been careless...When I told him I didn't know if I could have another abortion, he said that was not what he wanted to hear and that I needed to make a decision cause he didn't want to be left wondering what I was going to do! He then went out for the next few hours and we barely spoke when he got home...He didn't say one word to me this morning when I dropped him off at the train station! I'm so confused....I just want this whole situation to go away! I can't make this decision. On the one hand, I know he is not ready and this is not what we wanted right now, we are just about to go on holiday and were considering moving up north for a year or so...On the other, I just don't know if I could live with myself, I have spent the last 2 years trying to get my head around the first abortion and I just think another would send me over the edge, and yet I question whether I'm ready for a child! Part of me feels as though he's making me suffer for his guilt over his other children, yet I know he hurts every day because of it! I don't want to have to do this on my own, I mean who does really!?! I would need to find somewhere to live and give up my job for at least a while, leaving me with no income! I always imagined me spending the rest of my life with this guy and having a kid eventually...I just want his support "no matter" what decision I make! Its not fair of him to demand from me, he is not the one that has to live with it!

:hug:
Sorry he is making you choose, both options are very difficult.
Take care and do what is best for you

Oh hun. :comfort: I'm so sorry things have turned out like this for you. It's definatly not fair of him to treat you like this, however I can imagine he would have been shocked at the news. Unfortunatly no one else can make this decsion for you. Have you got family around that you can talk to about whats happening? I think you need to sit down and think about what you want. It would be a hard decision for anyone to make - especially on thier own.
Did you explain to him how you felt about the situation? What was his reaction? Maybe he needed some time to process this and what he said what a quick reaction, without thinking?

Sending you lots of :hug: we are here if you want to talk/vent etc.

Jes - you poor thing. Sending you a massive internet hug. What should be a happy occassion is being overridden by all of these other factors. I am so sorry your boyfriend reacted badly, perhaps giving him a day to let it sink in and then approaching the issue with him again is a good idea. However, I think you might run the risk of sitting him down and him expecting you to have made a decision either way. Can I suggest you go and get some counselling? It really sounds like you don't want to have an abortion and if the financial and practical side of things are the main reason why you are feeling you don't have alot of options, talking to someone else about it will probably help. Also, ring Centrelink and find out what benefits you would receive. I am not trying to sway you either way, I am just trying to say - make an informed decision and the best decision for YOU. The other thing I would say to your boyfriend is that if you do decide to go ahead and have this baby, he has said that he won't be involved. He regrets not fighting for his other children and being in their lives but this time he is CHOOSING not to be involved. Why is he making the same mistake again? I really hope you can get this sorted out hun.

:hug: That is not fair for your partner to be making you feel so rubbish. I think you have to do what is best for you, it sounds like you have been very understanding of his trouble with his other children but you have your life to think about too... :comfort:

It is totally up to you. You could give him time to process it, then say (if thats your decision) that you are having the baby, you want his support, but if he won't give it, you can live without it.
Have you got family & friends close by? If you do there is no reason you can't do this if he chooses not to support you.
Towards the end, yes you would need to stop working, but after baby is born centrelink can help. A close friend of mine went through her pregnancy & birth with no partner. It can be done.
Either way good luck & we are here if you need to talk. Hopefully after the shock wears off he won't be so hurt & maybe be more accepting.

my mother is very religous and brought me up to be against abortion...she doesn't even know I was pregnant the first time and would never even think of me considering an abortion...none of my family would...My mother always wanted me to be married and have children that way...premarital sex upset her enough, even though she has finally begun to except that we have been together so long, she still tells me her concerns that she wants him to commit to me! Though I tell her he has, but we have been going slowly. When we first got together, she was concerned about his "baggage" and even said, what if you get pregnant and he leaves you! He was so adamant that he wanted me to terminate it, I didn't even get the chance to tell him how I felt and he was not in the mood to listen! I feel so alone...

You're not alone honey :hug:

Jes you are not alone. It's extemely unfair for him to force a decision upon you. It sounds as though he hasn't even bothered to find out if you want a baby. You're not a teenager either, for goodness sakes.

I can only imagine the decision to have an abortion is extremely difficult. I personally couldn't do it unless the circumstances were extenuating - not because I'm not against it - just because it would be a very difficult thing to do. I would have been a single mother before being given an ultimatum.

My DH took both announcements of pg pretty hard because he's a "financial worrier", but he loves his sons and would never give them up. Why you should compromise on having a baby doesn't seem fair to me.

Your mum loves you hun. I'm sure if you explain the whole situation she will try to support you in any way she can. You don't need to tell her about the first one. Of course she may not agree with it, but if you go the other way, it would be good to have her support.
I highly doubt she'll say 'told you so'.

he rung me at work...wanting to know if i'd made a decision yet...i told him i don't know and all i get is "how can you not know?!"...that i'm ruining him...he even said things are going so well and we are getting closer every week and this would ruin everything! He doesn't want a child now, he just wants to be happy with me! He's too young and doesn't want to deal with this...well neither do I!! I asked him if he'd even considered how I feel about it...that he isn't the one that has to live with it...he never gave the first abortion a second thought, but I have thought about it every day! He asked me if I wanted him to hate me for doing this to him!?! Then he pulled the whole we don't have a house, you don't know what your getting yourself into, we don't want the responsibility yet!?!? "We were on the pill so we wouldn't have to deal with this". All he seems to want to do is attack me, instead of discussing it with me...he's so angry, he can't even see me! :cry:

I'm sorry, but maybe you should tell him to go get a vasectomy. This is really unfair on you. The pill is not 100% Never has been. Maybe he should've been doing other things to guarantee this didn't happen! The only thing that is 100% is no sex. Simple as that. He should know that.

I agree with bj - there is almost no 100% way of ensuring you don't get pregnant other than abstaining.

From what I am reading in your posts he seems to be thinking about himself and guilting you by saying 'it was all going well, this will affect it' (sorry not the exact words, I'm just really bad at quoting properly) You need to think about yourself and your partnership and it doesn't sound like he is thinking about the both of you. I also think it would be a good think to stay somewhere where you will be supported. There are lots of options and help for single mums. There are lots here who would be able to give you great advise. And staying with a partner who isn't supportive of your pregnancy and baby will be even harder work than it would be if you were single.

I'm sorry things didn't go better. lots of :hugs: in the mean time

I COMPLETELY agree with Skye!!

I am not thrying to sway your decision but before you told him you seemed pretty adamant that you couldn't have another abortion and now that he has had this reaction it seems you are considering an abortion. I think you should be very careful that the decision you make is what you want to do. Your DP's reaction is very unfair on you! This is a HUGE decision to make and not one you should be harrassed into making. I would suggest you should get some distance from him if you could stay at a good friends house or something if you could talk it through.

I would suggest calling centrelink and having a talk. I am almost positive once you are a certain way through your pregnancy you can get the dole (sorry can't think of the proper name of the payment) but get exemption from looking for work etc then you would be about the get a payment once your baby arrived and also the baby bonus. Also if you ask centrelink I am sure they could put you in contact with other services that would be able to help. Could u live with your mum for a bit if you needes to?

Maybe your dp will come around but if you want to keep this baby and you have an abortion to keep him happy maybe you will end up resenting him. I believe a partner doesn't need to agree with all of your decisions but they do need to support them. Anyway to me when you have sex with someone you are agreeing to the possibility of a baby, doesn't matter if contraception is involved!

Have a looking in the single parenting section, there are so many successful, supportive mums in there that would be able to give you some wonderful advice and support, that would come in handy if you decide to keep your baby and that means doing it on your own

You can go on centrelink payments (newstart allowance) from 6 weeks befor you are due with a doctors certificate.
Then you would be entitled to parenting payment (single or partnered depending on what happens) & family tax benifit after baby is born, as well as baby bonus. Also possibly rent assistance if you are paying rent.
Go have a look at the rate estimator on the centrelink website.
I can only go on what I was getting with the amount of rent I paid 6 years ago, I was getting around $800 a fn on single parenting payment with one baby, paying $175 a week rent. I don't know how much thats changed since, but I know parenting payment has gone up a fair bit since then. Everyone's circumstances are different though.

You have do do what will make YOU happy hun, not him... I really wish you the best, whatever you decide you arent alone and will get heaps of support here :hug:

Skye's exactly right.

TBH - I'd tell him to shove it!

Everyone's given you lots of good advice, I don't have much to add, I guess, other than counselling might be a good idea - just to have someone to talk to face-to-face, who won't judge you and will help you think about your options. I don't blame you for not wanting another abortion. It's such a hard decision to make, let alone when you have all these pregnancy hormones floating around in you!

A pregnancy is quite a long time, long enough for people to get used to things they thought they might never get used to. If you decide to keep the baby, you might find that other people in your life, eg your boyfriend, your mum, end up 'coming round' despite their initial reactions.

Good luck. :hug:

I would definetly talk to Centrelink and see what they say.
My reaction was anger at him as it takes two to tango, if HE didn't want children he should have made sure it didn't happen. You did the right thing and took precaution, what did he do except enjoy his part.
I will be thinking of you as you deal with this and know you will make the right decision, for you, when you decide what to do. :hug:

I would tell your Mum.
If this was my DD I would be upset but would support her. Yes, it would be a shock but she is still my DD

Hey hun, I'm so sorry to hear about your predicament ... it is a tough one to be going through and i wish you all the best. xxx

firstly - yes you do need someone to talk to. I would choose your mum. Don't judge ppl just because they are religious ;) yes she may not have agreed with your choices compared to what she believes but she will always be there to support you and love you and help you out no matter what. 1) because she is your mum 2) religion (depending on which i suppose) isn't about putting down other ppl its about picking them up when they are down.

If you don't think you could go through another abortion then dont! The fact that you are finding it hard to cope with losing the 1st little baby should be enough for both you and your boyfriend to see that it isn't the right option this time. Don't put yourself through that. This is a little baby growing inside of you :) I know how exciting it is. You will always wonder and regret not having it. As it sounds like you already do.

Very proud of you for telling DP in the first place that must have been a hard conversation to have. I agree with what someone else said - If you DP really wants to find his other children, and yet this time is willing to just walk away from you because you're pregnant TO HIM then you really have to question his motives. If he cant get in contact with his other children then he should be willing to do the right thing this time and make sure he doesn't lose THIS baby.

If you want this baby, don't let him guilt you into having an abortion or making it your fault. It's not your fault... he was there when it was made as well. If you want to keep it and he is not willing to support you then find someone who can. Whether it be a friend or a relative. There are thousands of single mums in the world and yes its not the ideal situation to be in nor is it going to be easy... but i'm sure it will be alot better life than regretting not having the baby.

There is also the option of adopting the baby out if you don't want to keep it and really dont want to terminate. It would also give DP another 8 months to change his decision.

just came across this thread and i am so sorry to hear what your going through :hugs:

I think everyone has given great advice and you need to consider what is best for both of you, and if he treats you this way is he really worth it?

That sounds horrible but surely at 27 he should be able to be rational and sit down with you and discuss the pros and cons, he can't make you responsible for his past or punish you for what his XP has done to him.
I understand it would be hard for him and how he can think it's not fair on his other kids but whats fair for YOU?

No matter what i'm sure your mother will be there to support you, they all get upset with us over one thing or another.. it may take time but shes your mum and she loves you!

You BOTH need to be able to make this choice but if you don't feel you can mentally handle another abortion then thats completely understandable.

1 last thought... if you DID get an abortion and stayed with him would it make the relationship any better, how would YOU feel about him?
Would you blame him for the decision, because if you would then the relationship will be just as rocky without a baby in the picture.

I hope he can act like the grown up he's meant to be and sit down and discuss it with you, he shouldn't pressure you into making a decision.

I hope whatever you do you make the right decision for yourself and for your relationship, it would be so so hard!

Good luck with it all.

I haven't gone through and read all the replies, so please forgive me if I am repeating what the other ladies have said.

Firstly you need a big bear hug, as I am not there this will have to do :hug: This is such a terrible situation! You have to remember it takes two my dear, it takes two to get you here and it takes two to make any decision about what to do. It feels as though he is being indredibly selfish and only thinking about how this is going to effect him and his life. It also sounds as if there really wasn't a decision to be made from you in your first post, you want this baby. Having a few doubts is completely normal, but having the stress of someone telling you other wise is just horrible! You are allowed to want your baby, you are allowed to get excited at the thought of it and if he says he wants a child with you 'one day', when will that day be?? When will he let himself move on from the past in order for you to have a fully functional relationship that goes to the next stage??

I completely understand that you don't want to loose him, but shouldn't he be the one standing back saying he doesn't want to loose you and another child?? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you should not have to go through all of this on your own (or what seems to be), he needs to step up and be the man that he wants to be to his other children. His ex has moved on and had another child, why can't you two? I cannot understand what it must be like for him not to see his children, but having another child will not stop him from finding them if thats what he chooses to do.

Do your very best to sit down with him again and tell him he needs to listen to everything you want to say, your feelings towards it all and how you felt when you found out. Then when you are finished he can talk. I know this would be so hard on you as you hate confrentation and you are affraid of loosing him, but tell him ALL of that! Tell him everything you have felt over the time you've known even if it doesn't seem relivant to him. Then give each other time before making any decisions.

I am thinking of you and I truely do feel for you. Please come back and tell us who you go with it all.
:comfort:

Take care of yourself.

Im subscribing because i have a lot i want to say but i am super busy dd's playing up but ill be back k xx

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There is also the option of adopting the baby out if you don't want to keep it and really dont want to terminate. It would also give DP another 8 months to change his decision.

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This is what I was going to say. I think everyone has goven you some wonderful advice, and issues with your BF aside, if *you* dont think you are ready or it would be in your unborns childs best interests, you dont have to have an abortion if you dont want to, its not your only option.

Just wanted to come in and give you another :hug: I hope you're doing ok.
I think Kirley's suggestion was a good one. You can't do anything you don't want to do no matter how he makes you feel.
I really hope you're ok. Come back and let us know how things are. :comfort:

It sounds like you are in a very hard situation! i agree with what others have been saying, he says 'do you want him to hate you for do this to him' well does her want you to hate him for makeing you do something you dont want to do.
It sounds to me like he is scared, scared that he has been a crap dad to his two other kids (not his fault but by not being alowed to be there) that how can he possibly be a good dad to this kid!
I think that in time he will come around to it, im sure it will be hard though, and im sure it will set your relationship back, maybe reasure him that you will never do what his ex did to him (take the child away and stop him seeing it) im sure that knowing he has two chidren out there somewhere gives him pain every day and the thought of there being a third in the same situation would be heartbreaking for him.
I really hope you manage to make things work for you, and what ever you decide to do, do it for yourself, not becasue your scared or to please others.
Big hugs to you and amoungst all this heart ache....congratulations! :)