Just Let Her Cry..... (CC/CIO)

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THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2009
"Just let her cry"

There was a time, not so long ago in my life, when I was nearly as helpless as a baby. It was a dark time in my life, when it should have been a radiant one. I was pregnant, and joyously happy about it, but my body was not. I was sick, and not in a "oh I don't feel so hot" kind of way. It was a "if I didn't have big things to live for, I'd want to die" kind of sick. Some of you may have experienced this too. I could literally not even hold down a sip of water or a nibble of food. Eating made me throw up. Not eating made me throw up. I would throw up stomach bile. Anyway, the point is that I was VERY weak. At 4 months pregnant, I weighed less than I did when I was 16 (and everyone called me stick girl back then). My clothes were falling off of me, instead of becoming tight. Every few days, I would be able to hold down maybe one meal's worth of food. In case you are wondering, it is called Hyperemesis Gravidarum, and it typically does not respond to medical or natural treatments. We tried anything that wouldn't be harmful to the baby, and nothing worked. Despite the physical misery, the emotional scars I suffered at the hands of a loved one were far more profound.

I grew so weak that I could rarely leave the bed. I needed support just walking the 10 feet to the bathroom. I needed a shower stool and help getting clean. Just raising my arms to wash my hair was an immense strain. I relied heavily on my husband.

My husband was loving during the day, but things would change at night. He would leave me in the bed, tell me it was time to sleep, shut off the lights, and walk out. I would say "But honey, I'm not ready to sleep yet" but he would ignore me. It was confusing. Sometimes, I'd be having a day where I felt I may be able to eat or drink something, and I would call out to him, asking for something. Again, he would ignore me. Sometimes he would poke his head in, but it was only to tell me that I needed to go to sleep and I was "fine". I had times where I grew very depressed. On top of being sick and miserable, I missed my husband's loving arms. Sometimes I just needed to be held and comforted. Still, he would ignore me. I began to wonder why my needs were valid during the day, but not at night. At times, he would leave the room far too cold or warm. Sometimes I desperately needed to use the bathroom. Sometimes the pain all over my body became unbearable. Sometimes I was just very scared and lonely. Alas, no matter what I felt or needed, my husband ignored me.

I longed desperately for my independance, and loathed needing another person for even the smallest things, but for the time being, there was nothing I could do but ask for enough help to at least keep myself and our baby alive. I was so hurt and confused. I would weep bitterly, alone in the dark. One night, I overheard my mother in law talking with my husband. She said "Just let her cry. She has to learn. Don't let her manipulate you, she doesn't really need anything. Keep it up and you'll win eventually." Win? What exactly was he going to win, and at what cost?

Eventually, I lost all trust in my husband. I would lie there in bed, hungry, hot, cold, hurting, and/or just plain sad and lonely. I stopped asking for help. I later heard my husband boast that he had finally "trained" me. So now I was an animal. Why did he get to decide what needs and feelings of mine were valid, and which were not? Why was it okay for him to be my husband during the day, to love me, talk with me, and help me, but at night time all my needs were expected to suddenly cease? I would never be able to fully trust or open my heart to him again.

In the darkest time of my life, my most beloved person failed to be there for me. My needs were small, things that would take very little time or effort, but were of great importance to my physical and emotional health. I was neglected. You may even call it abuse. Fortunately, it was a brief time in my life. Unfortunately, there are countless more victims of this kind of neglect, and even worse. They are even more helpless than I was. They are babies. Sweet, innocent babies. They have parents that love them fiercely and truely, but fall victim to beliefs and advice that (usually) inadvertently put babies on a level even lower than animals. Books and well-meaing friends or family tell tired new parents to "just let her cry". This is often referred to as CIO (cry-it-out) or "controlled crying", although the already twisted concept of controlled crying is often further misunderstood and warped and becomes "I let my baby scream for 2 hours and eventually she threw up and wasn't the same for weeks after".

Helpless babies are expected to cease all "neediness" once a certain time on the clock comes around. Their God/nature-given intincts to cry and express real physical AND emotional needs are ignored or written off as manipulation or just plain not "real" needs. Why? If a sick adult or an elderly person were treated in such a way, they would suffer in deep ways and the person responsible for their care could even end up in prison.

Why are babies treated as less than human? Why would we WANT to teach our children that we won't be there for them? Why should we get to pick and choose which needs are "real" and which ones are not. Why should our job as parents simply end at night? Just because they've been fed and changed doesn't mean they are "fine". All they have is their instincts. For all they know, a predator could be lurking and waiting to eat them! They are programmed by God/nature to want to be near us for their own safety and for their proper development. We know that human contact is essential to the developing brain of a baby, but we deny their natural pleas for such contact. We lock them in the dark and even though we may sing, pat them, and say "you're okay, sweetie", when we walk out of the room and leave them in the dark alone they may still be cold, hot, uncomfortable, in pain, or just plain scared or lonely! Why is that so wrong? "Cry it out" or "controlled crying" is just neglect with a different name.

Scientists everywhere know the short and long term consequences of these so-called "methods", and they are vast. Most parents also instinctually know these things. Some parents listen to those instincts, and others listen to people like my mother in law who say "Just let her cry. She has to learn. Don't let her manipulate you, she doesn't really need anything. Keep it up and you'll win eventually." These people usually mean well. They aren't setting out to harm a child, but that doesn't change the fact that they are. Argue with me all you want. Say "I let my baby cry it out, and he/she is fine". I don't believe you. I believe you broke your child like an animal. I believe they gave up. They didn't magically learn to "self-soothe", they just figured out that you suck at being a parent at night time. YOU will be old some day, or you may find yourself in a helpless situation even earlier than that. See how you feel if another person tells you what to feel, when to feel it, and how to express it. See how you feel if they ignore your feelings and only meet the needs that THEY deem valid. See how you feel if you are treated like less than an animal, someone that must be trained. Someone that must lose, so they can win. A baby has far less capacity to understand these things, so the next time your little helpless one cries out, remember that they cry for a reason. Even just wanting to be held is a real NEED. If you've ever seen what happens to those babies in foreign orphanages that never get held or talked to, you'll realize the incredible importance of human contact. It's so simple.

I could go on for days with even a million more reasons, but I will leave you with a few resources, and a simple piece of advice. Next time you hear "Just let him/her cry", think twice. You'll never regret being there for your child.

Edit: It was mentioned that I condemned CIO/sleep training without offering alternatives. I guess my links below were missed? Anyway, I'll add some more ;-)

Pinky McKay does an excellent job of summing up the very real damage that "controlled crying" can do. This is a must-read on the subject! Enjoy. The Con of Controlled Crying - The Natural Child Project

Dr. Sears is another great resource. If you have a baby with sleep problems or just want to learn more about babies and sleep in general, give it a look! SLEEP ISSUES

The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Elizabeth Pantley

TONS of great articles about sleep: Articles on Sleeping - The Natural Child Project

Anyone please feel free to share more! I'm pretty tired at the moment, but its hard to find time when I am both well-rested AND have the time to write :-P


***ALSO! This is very important. I want to make it very clear that the above story is only half-true and was given a different spin for the purpose of making people think. I was unfortunately very sick and helpless, but my husband would NEVER neglect or abuse me in such a way. I did want to make people think though. If any other helpless person (sick, injured, elderly) were treated in the ways described, people would be disgusted. The fact that babies are often "trained" in such a manner proves that babies are still viewed by many people as lesser beings with invalid needs and feelings, even though the care-taker probably doesn't realize that is what they are doing.

I would also like to add that when a parent is near their breaking point and has to put their child down in a safe space and leave the room briefly for the sake of gathering their sanity, that is VERY different. This is essential to preventing a mental break in the parent and possible harm to the child. Do not feel guilty if you've found yourselves in moments like these. It is an entirely different situation than it is to leave a child crying, screaming, even vomiting alone in the dark on a regular basis for "training" purposes.

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From: Woman, Uncensored: "Just let her cry"

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I believe you broke your child like an animal. I believe they gave up. They didn't magically learn to "self-soothe", they just figured out that you suck at being a parent at night time.

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I like the idea behind the article - it's fairly confronting, and makes it easy to put CC/CIO in a more personal context.

However, I felt the quotes above crossed a line. It took the article from being a well written, informative article to being an attack on anyone who uses these methods, no matter the reason.

Now, every woman who was convinced to use these methods is REALLY gonna hate herself - as if mothers didn't second guess themselves enough!

Yeah I have to agree- thsi is a good article and it made me think, but there are alot of different variations on controlled crying, DS cried for 1 minute the first night I did controlled crying and I have never let him cry any longer than 3 minutes, I wait longer than that to go to the toilet...

I think that one line slightly degrades the whole article and think it would be much better put in a different phrasing that didn't so much seem like and I'm better stab...

Great way to make you think though

I also agree. I also think that this article is not entirely helpful.

If there is someone really struggling out there with sleep deprevation and has decided on CIO/CC methods, then this is only going to undermine them even more.

In addition, my daughter cries before she goes to sleep, pretty much every time. It doesn't matter if I'm holding her, not holding her, rocking her, in the room, not in the room etc etc, it's just who she is. It kinda offends me that this article would suggest (and suggest to others) that I'm doing something harmful to my baby, when I know I am not!

I feel like this article is just a bit too one sided in making it's point, sorry Kelly. Not meaning to offend...

I understand this is a gentle parenting site, but I think we need to be careful not to degarde AND/OR judge, or appear to judged other peoples methods and/or decisions.

WOW! Kelly, I read this and because I suffered hyperemisis gravidarum I completely felt this article was amazing! Of course my DH was always there for me and when i was a broken bawling mess in hospital before and after DD was born he was there too. I would lay in bed and on the lounge often with no energy to do anything but crawl to throw up, I fainted every night in the shower and couldnt lift a water bottle so I could even drink if I wanted to. I cant even recall how many times DH picked me up off the toilet floor. Too many times was I told 'push through it, its only morning sickness' and the Drs even told me it was in my head and that every mother to be was sick like this.

My mother attempted to get me to get DD to CIO once, she cried and I howled! All I could remember was how I felt for all those months, scared, sick, in pain and just plain miserable and I was not going to have my little miracle feel that way at all.

I certainly dont mean to offend anyone and I am sure Kelly hasnt either but that is my opinion of the article, it had me with goosebumps and tears streaming down my face recalling how sick I was for the first 8 months of 2009. Each to theer own on how they parent their child.

Has BellyBelly degraded other peoples methods and decisions? Is that absolutely true? Or is that what you believe to be true?

agree with you totally dollyroux...i had battles getting DD off to sleep just now, it has taken over an hour of her crying/screaming and finally she has gone to sleep. I tried everything and nothing would work until she had finally exhausted herself and I had done a hundred trips up and down the hallway with the pram...does this mean I am a crap parent because I let my daughter cry herself to sleep?
She usually cries as she goes to bed anyway, it might not be a full on distressed cry, but still a cry/whinge. i try and settle but for the most part it is easier if I just let her go and just stay in the room, as me touching her/patting her/talking only wakes her up even more, whereas just my presence is often enough to make her realise I'm not going anywhere.

Like everything to do with parenting there are a hundred and one ways to do anything, I don't think parents who use CC/CIO should be "labelled" as terrible parents, sometimes it's simply the last resort. I don't agree with CIO but have used a form of CC, and yeah i will admit sometimes I do wish I could just walk out of the room and let her cry because nothing else seems to work...

I dont believe my daughter is 'damaged' in any way, it's just that sometimes as a parent I choose to CC because that what seems to work for us.

I didn't state that Bellybelly had degraded other peoples methods and decisions - I said we need to be careful not to (oops actually I said we need be careful how we degrade, I meant we need to be careful NOT too degrade, have fixed now) and, adding to that, be careful not to judge peoples parenting methods, with certain exceptions of course.

I think this article is extreme in it's view of CC/CIO and I think it's an unfair representation. I think CC/CIO can be like this, but I think all methods of parenting can have issues if adhered to strictly/without common sense/without taking your childs needs into account. Anything adhered to like a zealot generally has some issues :)

I think CC/CIO are always going to be controversial topics/strategies. That's not a bad thing in itself.

(To me) The way I react to this article says more about me, the headspace I'm in in relation to how I manage DS's crying and sleep (or lack of it ;) ) and my personal experiences of CC/CIO than it does about the article. I haven't used CIO or CC so I don't have a negative response to this article. I think it's pushing it out there to try and get parents to stop and think. I respond positively because it already fits in with what I believe is right for my DS. I have thought about CC, (who hasn't?) but I don't think it would work for DS. At the moment, I'm trying really hard to live up to my goal of being a gentle parent and my belief in not using CC/CIO. This article actually motivates me to keep doing what we're doing, despite my constant exhaustion and almost obsessive wish to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time.

I can see how a parent could feel guilty or negative about themselves after reading that if they had/do use CC/CIO but I don't think it would cause the guilt in the first place. Again, it would already be there I think. CC/CIO is never the first strategy used.

As a mother who did try CC/CIO options with my first born, and became horribly depressed and anxious as a result (a 3 day stay at a M&B Unit turned into 2 weeks, before we were turned away with no answers - you can read my diary from the stay HERE) I felt good reading this article. I'd had a terrible time in the M&B unit, my daughter lost weight, threw up everywhere, seemed depressed and didn't smile for weeks later and lost interest in food. It was a very upsetting, but also life changing time for me. I read this article thinking about how far I had come, how proud I was for trusting my instincts and learning what I did as a result, and doing things differently now. It taught me to ask for help, even if I had to pay for it part time, in order to parent the way that made me and baby happy.

I also am glad an article is out there like this to compare how we feel about doing something 'acceptable' for a baby yet can seem so terrible for a pregnant woman, or elderly person etc - someone we can also get frustrated/tired of/too busy to care for.

As someone who has used these methods I accept the effects that probably have happened to my child. But i also accept that I did the best that I could/knew at the time. And I feel great being able to help share information so others who didn't know can find out, and hopefully not regret their decisions like I once did. Hopefully leading them to seek alternatives and to ask for more help.

I also think it's a difficult area, because many parenting choices aren't black and white, there is so much room inbetween. All the things you can do 'full on' or fully commit to, like baby wearing/exclusive use of pram, breastfeeding/formula feeding, cloth nappies/disposables, homebirth/elective medicalised birth...I'm sure we can think of more - there is so much room inbetween the two extremes that many parents fall into.

It can be difficult to hear someone say that anyone who lets their baby cry is treating their baby as less than a human, or broke their child like an animal. I struggle to believe that most people who let their baby cry at times would think like that. I think that situations are less black and white than that, and what some parents know to be their child grizzling but not being upset, others would call crying. I know when it comes to letting babies cry I probably lie a bit further down the scale than some of the other mods. But I'm comfortable with that - I know my children and I know the choices I've made and the reasons behind those - I know my choices haven't been abusive or neglectful. I have no idea what the actual Controlled Crying theory/regime is so I know I don't follow it. I just follow what works for me and I own it.

So I guess if this article helps people to think twice about how they parent, then it's a good thing. But if you think twice about they way you parent and are still comfortable with your choices, then I think that's okay.

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Has BellyBelly degraded other peoples methods and decisions? Is that absolutely true? Or is that what you believe to be true?

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I don't believe BB has degraded other methods, thats not what I meant to convey. BB can be very informative, a great learning tool for finding out different options. But to publish an article that says parents who use certain methods 'suck at being parents at night' or 'broke their child like an animal', I FEEL, will do more harm than good, and is not in keeping with what I know of BB's philosophy - does that make sense?

It's great that there are parents on here who have researched and made their choices - whatever the choices ended up being. But comments like the above don't encourage further research, they are the equivalent of saying CC/CIO is wrong, and WE are right. It's the black and white issue that Nelle was talking about.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, and I'm not trying to cause offence - I'm just trying to point out that this article, while predominantly helpful, may also undermine new mums who are already overwhelmed because evryone seems to say, 'Do what I tell you or you're doing it WRONG'.

No offense taken I promise :) I obviously read the article earlier today, took from it what I did, and the comments didn't bother me, because I didn't take them to heart - they weren't directed at me, even though I have tried CIO before. They are just her words and her comments, thoughts on a blog, not being said directly to me, to my face. It's not how I would choose to write it, but I don't want to reinvent the wheel and duplicate the idea and I don't also want to edit her work. Perhaps you could reply to her blog so you can respond directly to the author?

Wow, this article has really made me think! I've never been comfortable with leaving my babies "cry it out" despite being told to by a number of well meaning friends and relatives. But then again, i didn't want to risk "spoiling" them either - it seemed no matter what, I was going to do the wrong thing anyway.

I'm now convinced that letting my kids cry when they need me or want to feel safe is not the way to go - for me anyway.

I know when I feel scared or alone I just want someone to cuddle or hold me and tell me its ok. Why wouldn't my little babies. But like I said, this is just what I feel is best for us.

I agree though, this is such a difficult area, and parenting always comes down to choices we are forced to make, who's to say who's right, and who's wrong? We're all just trying to get through each day as best we can, doing the only thing we feel is right for us.

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I don't believe BB has degraded other methods, thats not what I meant to convey. BB can be very informative, a great learning tool for finding out different options. But to publish an article that says parents who use certain methods 'suck at being parents at night' or 'broke their child like an animal', I FEEL, will do more harm than good, and is not in keeping with what I know of BB's philosophy - does that make sense?

It's great that there are parents on here who have researched and made their choices - whatever the choices ended up being. But comments like the above don't encourage further research, they are the equivalent of saying CC/CIO is wrong, and WE are right. It's the black and white issue that Nelle was talking about.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, and I'm not trying to cause offence - I'm just trying to point out that this article, while predominantly helpful, may also undermine new mums who are already overwhelmed because evryone seems to say, 'Do what I tell you or you're doing it WRONG'.

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:clap: Gotta spread the love, but I couldn't have said it better myself!

:yeahthat: Yea sunflower girlie.
Damn it, why does someone always come along and say exactly what I wanted to say, but so much clearer and contained then I ever could :D.

To me, it's the difference between saying - Breast is best, or Formula feeding your child is THE WORST and you are causing UNTOLD damage to your child, you BAD BAD parent.

One is supportive and informative, and postive reinforcement. The other is unsupportive, rude, negative reinforcing and just down right unhelpful.

The continued references to "not taking the comments to heart/personall" are grating on me a bit. Just because I don't agree with the way the article is written, and feel that it is unhelpful, and used myself as an example, doesn't mean that I'm taking it personally, or to heart. I just disagree with the way it's written and the bald, emotive statements it's making.

I don't feel the need to respond directly to the author. The article is here for comment, (I assume), this is where I saw it, and so this is where I would like to keep my conversation regarding it.

I loved it. I don't think the article was saying that children left to CIO are 'broken like animals' on purpose by their loving parents. It's saying this is the end result, regardless of intention. It's saying that people resort to this because someone thought it up in a bid to 'liberate' parents from children who don't conform to the 'ideal' bodyclock, temperament etc.
When it comes down to it, it's the end result that the article is about - yeah, you got a 'compliant' child, at what cost? I don't believe the author is saying the parents are unloving. In fact, the point of the story about her husband WAS that he was otherwise loving and attentive, but when her needs conflicted with some idea of when she should just switch off and let him have his 'alone time', that's when the treatment was not dissimilar to old skool methods (sadly, not just old skool, people still use them) of training animals.
The point was that once you can empathise and force yourself to relate to the immature, inarticulate feelings of the pre-verbal child, you might just question what you 'should' be doing (according to the myriad sources of 'advice' out there) and decide to act on compassion and raise a child who can relate to others in a compassionate, empathetic and understanding manner.
The point was that it's not about the 'now', it's what we do TO our children now that will have effects later down the line and we will probably never fully realise the effects...hence all those parent/child relationships in adulthood that are fraught with discord for reasons people who aren't that parent and child can't readily see.
You do what you do based on the best information you have at the time (most parents, anyway!), not what you know to be crap but do it anyway...am I right? So, if you've been beating yourself up about something you did, there is always a way to reconcile with yourself and you need to figure that out, either with third-party help or personal insight.

:yeahthat: Well said hun!

The way i see CIO or CC is that it happens when people have no real support at home, that every thing is left up to mum and when she cannot get anything done due to her lack of sleep all those well meaning "helpers" (who actually arent offering arms or hands hor help) say just CIO its ok.. but it isnt ok what mother who has actually done it has thought it was right while doing it? but because this is the "helpful" advice being given mums give it a try.

Yes i Have tried it. it was awful for all involved yet i still didnt have someone come and help but i had LOTS of 'helpful' advice..

I also wonder if parents are scared now to ask for outside help when they are struggling, for fear of looking like they can not handle having a baby when Most people find the change of a baby hard.

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The way i see CIO or CC is that it happens when people have no real support at home, that every thing is left up to mum and when she cannot get anything done due to her lack of sleep all those well meaning "helpers" (who actually arent offering arms or hands hor help) say just CIO its ok.. but it isnt ok what mother who has actually done it has thought it was right while doing it? but because this is the "helpful" advice being given mums give it a try.

I also wonder if parents are scared now to ask for outside help when they are struggling, for fear of looking like they can not handle having a baby when Most people find the change of a baby hard.

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I think you might be onto something there! It is so true (and only common sense) that sometimes, when a mother (especially one with older children to tend to as well) is so busy, she sometimes can't avoid letting her baby cry, whether it be for a mere minute, or longer.

I know when DS2 came along, DS1 was very demanding (and still is) and sometimes poor little DS2 just had to wait for mummy because she was all tied up with DS1 who was also trying to adjust to having a new bub in the house. Its not that I put him down in the cot and said "stuff him,he can cry!" its just that sometimes i really had no choice because there was only one of me and DH works long hours and I am really the only "hands on" parent in this house (no disrespect to DH, its just he feels less confident with the kids than I do, and he works long hours and doesn't really have a choice).

So I really do agree that sometimes parents who have let their children CIO are not doing so intentionally, its just how it has to be sometimes.....

Yes, I think BB is making a statement here that CIO is wrong and not to be done, also that parents who don't love their children do this. What could have been a good, informative article was brought down by emotive, judgemental wording and by Kelly re-publishing, BB is "owning" that judgement. Not just this article either, there is a general "CIO is bad" vibe throughout the forum, which I am happy to say I go along with. But this is just a bit too emotive and confrontational. I felt the writer lost a lot of credibility by turning her point into a... can't think of the word now, but letting it get personal and emotional.

I was a mother with no help. No DH most of the time (especially at night!). No family to just cook a meal. Friends telling me to CIO because I had no sleep. I didn't do it: I knew that advice was wrong for us. DS was very good at knowing he should sleep at night and when he woke then he needed something, quite often comfort for pain that never went away. Just because you're tired and someone tells you to do something, you don't have to!

Well said Lady Zadie.

I absolutely agree Ryn, but I think You were lucky to have found BB before you were PG and had Liebling, becuase you already knew of an alternative source for information. Many women do not know where to turn when they have no help and are at the end of thier tether(remembering sleep deprivation isnt known for rational thinking) so if the only peice of advice is to let them cry, Then of generally that will be the thing that is tried because it is made to appear that all mums do it and its OK (we know in our hearts it is not ok).

SO what i am saying is the lack of REAL support is the reason (i believe) that this is being pushed on to so many women and families.

My issues isn't so much whether CC/CIO is or isn't the right thing to do - my issues is that the article is an emotive piece of claptrap, designed to push buttons, especially that well loved button of mother guilt. Other mothers/women should not be using emotional blackmail to make other mothers feel guilty - whether that was the intention or not.

Some of the statements are downright horrible and I don't think would help anyone using CC/CIO to find a better soloution - it would just make the individual feel really really bad. The links provided might help someone find a better soloution and also provide actual evidence, as opposed to a story.


And yes, it won't make ALL mothers using CC/CIO to feel bad, and yes it may make some people seek so called 'gentler' options in regards to sleep and settling, but I don't think that makes up for the extreme tone of the article and the affect it may have on mothers that are already struggling.

Ok, will try to climb down off my high horse now.

That article wouldn't make me look for a gentler alternative - because I would fear the judgement from anyone with gentle ideas. It gives the gentle alternative as being sleepless nights to show love to your child. That is not a great thing when you're tired and are open to CIO. Most of the alternatives mentioned in the article I tried and they didn't work. (DS's issues came from an unknown pain, not inability to sleep.)

(I don't know if BB strengthened my parenting ideas, but I had hatred of CIO before here. Just got nicely honed here! But remembering being left to CIO as a toddler and still living with the feeling that I'm just not important to my parents or ever listened to... I don't want that for DS so I don't do it. I do know another non-CIO mother IRL too. Just like BB hasn't changed my ideas on homebirth, it has given me a source of info so I don't feel I even need to tell my doctor I'm pregnant now. Not that I am, but YKWIM.)