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I see lots of the angel mum's have dates in their signatures & I wonder which one you use? For us there is a potential for three days - actual death (around 01/01/10), when we found out (07/01/10) and the date of the D&C (11/01/10). I'm more inclined to use the date of the D&C for some reason, I think maybe because that's when bub was taken forever.
What do you use?
I have always used the date of m/c or when I knew, with my 4th loss I found out on the 1st nov d/c was 2nd nov bub had passed about 1 week earlier so I would use the 1st nov HTH... :hug:
for bubs 1 @ 8 and a half weeks, I used the date of death, as the d&c was done the same day. Bubs 2 was a chem preg so I used the day I got af. Bubs 3 was harder...it was 7 weeks since my lmp, but I had been testing for a long time and hadn't gotten a BFP, so I thought I must have O'ed a week or so later than I thought. I used the day of death again. Hth :hug:
for my angel as it was a missed miscarriage i used an approximate date of death (4weeks prior to finding out) for the date in my signature, but i will also remember the day/date we found out and the day/date i had the D&C done. It's important for me to remember all 3 dates.
I go with the day we found out, because that was the day the world fell down. d & c was the next day, so not much difference anyway.
I think it's pretty much up to you. No one's ever going to dispute it or think you're wrong. :hug:
I think its a very personal thing and only you will know whats right for you.
My D&C's have always been the day after I found out about each loss and the actual date that bubs passes has been hard to pinpoint but I'm monitored quite closely, so it was always within a week. I tend to remember the date of the D&C too for some reason, I think as you said, becuase that's when bub was actually taken away forever.
Kel xxx
i used the date i had D&C, cos for me that was the day my little bubba g was taken from me :( even though scans had shown it had happend days before.
i am so sorry sarah xoxox
It's hard, Sarah. But my m/c occurred naturally do I use that day, almost like a birthday iykyim. It's hard to now exactly when they passed because we all know u/s isn't 100% and for all we know growth may have slowed in the end so it may not be a good indicator of exact death... Well they are my thoughts anyway.
(((hugs)))
I use the day bub left me - Christmas Eve. The cramps started the night before, but I didn't realise I was losing it until the next day when I passed several clots and continued bleeding for about four days.
RIP to all the little angels, and my heart goes out to all the mummas who didn't get to keep their precious ones.
I use the date we had the u/s that told us our world had changed forever. I had a D&C that night - I couldn't have coped with a longer date.
My other two were very early miscarriages. I had spotting the day before each so I knew that things were going badly, but it was the following day when I started bleeding heavily and had the blood tests which confirmed trace amounts of HCG.
I think for me it's the "official" markers that stand out more than the others.
BW
I used the date of passing...
It's interesting how everyone does it differently isn't it.
I suppose that the date that we found out was really the day that my heart broke & the world seemed to crumble around us, thought I still come back to the day of the D&C, I suppose because I was still holding hope of a miracle over the 4 days between.
I'm not planning on putting the date in my sig (unless I change it & have the other two's dates in there too), I was just curious as to other people's thought.
Thanks girls :grouphug:
I haven't voiced any dates yet.... I just cant... :cry:
We found bub had passed on a Sunday, and D&C monday...
bub had passed around 4 weeks before, but to me, I still had my baby that time, so it is kinda irrelevant for me.
I have mourned each Monday as it passes though, a lot harder than the sunday, so I think i will be using that....
:hug::hug::hug:
I use the day we found out because I do not know the actual date that our baby passed. It was sometime before that u/sound, they said likely around 10 weeks but we didn't know till 12 weeks. To me, I was still pregnant and my baby inside me. So I use the day of the u/sound.
You know though...the date that is hardest for me and the date I use to remember our baby (the day I wear my special jewellery, look at my memory box etc) is our EDD, 22 October. I find that date really, really hard. I have felt guilty in the past when people mention the date in March and I haven't really thought about it until they mention it :(
I don't know why this is, sometimes I think it may be because that time around the D&C is a bit of a blur, I was on auto pilot and not really accepting what had happened. I just wanted to put it all behind me and get back to real life. By the time our EDD rolled around I'd had time to process it all and was really grieving.
But I guess we all remember differently :hug:
:comfort: Jodie. The day that keeps getting me is Saturday because I keep thinking I should be xxx weeks now as my due date was a Saturday.
Willow, I think the EDD will be hard too. My mum said even now 27 years later, she still thinks of her lost bub on the due date. In saying that, she also told me that in the past it was remembering with sadness, but it's not so much a sadness anymore. She said she looks at my brother on the day now & remembers without her angel my brother wouldn't be here.
I use two dates - the date that baby passed (14 May) and the date baby was due (19 November).
I "remember" both dates, but the EDD is somehow more significant to me. I seem to STILL go to pieces on that day.
Thinking of you honey.
Sarah, funny you say that... me too... big time.... on Fridays.. last friday would of been the 20 wk mark... it was a bad day.....
(((((hugs)))))
I get that Sarah. I have a little less sadness with each year that passes. But I still look at my three beautiful children and see that gaping hole between DD and DS1.
I think it's hard because there is almost 3 years between them, whereas there's only 20 months between the boys - the same age gap we would have had between DD and our angel.
I had that too, and I actually think that's one of the hardest parts of the EDD...you 'shouldn't be' anything anymore.. there was going to be a baby and now there's just not. In a small way that is also a relief too. You can just stop counting and let it go a little bit. :hug::
The day that keeps getting me is Saturday because I keep thinking I should be xxx weeks now as my due date was a Saturday.
:hug: to you too Jodie. It is such an incredibly hard time.
I'm dreading my 20 week mark Jodie, it's on my little man's fifth birthday :(
For me it was Mondays. But after the 24 weeks mark, I forgot to count, didn't know where I was up to anymore. Only when I saw ex-belly buddies' tickers could I figure it out.:
I've just passed my EDD, last week. It is a great marker for moving on, it's a milestone, and I feel quite strong having gone past it. I've moved from "I would have been..." to thinking "I could have been missing out on this" at events, like a couple of nights out last week.
On that, do try to think "I would have been..." rather than "should have been..." It's a small difference, but it's a bit kinder to yourself. I found that changing that thinking helped me to accept what had happened and move on a bit. Which makes it so much easier to deal with.
But I think our journey has been a little different from most. We couldn't go madly TTC to "fill the hole" so we just had to accept what was until our waiting period was through. Now, our 6 month wait is over, I've got the all clear. I feel the most incredible inner peace, and I look back on our 6 months, and see a few speed humps, but altogether the most romantic time of my life with my DH. I know it didn't feel like it at the time, and you could probably find a few posts here that suggest otherwise... but there's light.
Wow am i a bad person for not remembering? Its hard to admit, but it true.
I could narrow down the month but not the day. My journey was a bumpy one. MC picked up on a Monday, i was on my own, the trip to the better scan, calling my DH overseas and having to tell him, the d&c on the wednesday, only hours after my DH got home, the 2nd d&c, the ruptured uterus, the pathology results, then 3months later swaping OB for a check and seeing a 5week beating heart bubba there! Then those first 17weeks of the new pregnancy, the MC EDD, the birth of DD!
Holy hell, no wonder i cant remember. I know at the time i was drowning. I am very open about my MC cause i think that i handled it very poorly and if telling that to someone else makes them feel better then thats a good thing...
woo sorry for the long response.
Firstly good question, got me thinking. Secondly its so personal and i think your views will change. I swing between having my angle in my ticker and not all the time.
I know everyone is different but I don't have dates. I have a small keepsake but no dates on them, it's made it so much easier for me.
It took time to get past the "i should have been xxx by now" but it did fade away and sometimes I think of the sad days and pause but if I had annual dates in my head/heart I feel it would make it so much harder.
I don't do angel tickers for the same reasons, I just don't want to be reminded all the time.
Thats what i was trying to say!:clap::
I use the day our daughter was born (she was stillborn @36 weeks).
I don't like to use the day we found out because it was Christmas Eve & the holidays are already emotional enough I've found & I don't like to use what would have been her due date cause I have a friend who's son was born around the same time our angel should have been. I find that just makes me look at his son & think, Ashley should be that age too.
I say just pick whichever date feels more comfortable for you & for whatever reasons you feel. For me, like so many others, I chose her birth/death date cause that was the night when it all seemed finally real. None of it really seemed to feel like it was happening until I was induced & gave birth to her.
I like this thread. I've been wondering the same, actually.
Call me crazy if you like, (used to it! lol) but I remember all 3 relevant dates. Date of positive test 03/02/08, Date of actual loss 29/02/08, and finally E.D.D 13/10/08.
What's spooky, and I only just realized this, is that my mother also had a baby which was due on 13/10/74. He made it, and turned out to be my big brother. :) I just thought that was strange that two women in the same family had managed to get an EDD exactly the same. Co-incidence or not? Hmm.....
Well it turns out the date we found out has the most impact, I was quite upset when 1 month went by, but the few days after when it was 1 month from the D&C I was ok.
I wish I didn't have dates Lulu, for some reason I have a memory like an elephant for dates & numbers. I can tell you the date the baby was conceived, date I did my HPT, date we found out bub was gone & how many weeks I was as well as the date of D&C and the due date. I can remember the same for my two munchkins too though ;)
I find some dates hard.
For my two mc's because they were sooo early I haven't really ever focussed on the due date, nor the date when the pregnancies were "no longer viable" I honestly do not know why because I still wonder what might have been if that makes sense.
For Nikita, well thats a bit different. I am deeply affected still on her birthday and her angelversary BUT I have never really "mourned" on her due date..... the year of her passing I was touched on that day but I have always felt she came and left us just as she was meant to so her Due Date really didn't hold anything itms.
I think you will remember all the dates and you may find that one year one of the 3 dates you will feel sadder than the others.
Remember though there is no right or wrong time to feel things, no correct date etc just how you feel.
If you need a date to "signify the event" then personally I would choose the "Birth Date" so in this instance would be the D & C but hun, thats just me, YOU choose whats right for you because there is no wrong day.
love and hugs
Nae x x
sorry to highjack this thread for a second but I had forgotten all about it and I just got the notification that someone had written something.... I just re read my post. God if only I had known that just 9 days later I'd be in surgery for a ruptured ectopic. I feel like I could be sick, I'm so sad.
I say remember whatever makes you feel somewhat better! If anything can help the pain then grab it with both hands!