Vent: *Shudder* It goes against all my mummy instincts!

I am an early childhood teacher and work in a Long Day Care centre (though only 4hrs a day at the moment). We have a new little baby, who is just 14wks old. He comes 4 days a week, with his older brother (who is turning 3 in a few weeks). His mum has told us that he has reflux. She has also asked us not to hold him when we feed him, to put him into the rocked, in a semi sitting position, as she doesn't want to have to hold him at home if he gets used to it at childcare. So whilst feeding him one day (I was nursing him, I just couldn't eed him in the rocker :(. I noticed he clicks his tongue on the teat and struggles to swallow at times. I had a look at his bottles and they are really fast flowing, so I asked one of the girls if mum had said anything about them. She said that mum had told her that he is a guts and gulps his food and likes the teats. They look like the ones that just came with the bottle. After I fed him he power spewed half his bottle over my shoulder. She also just leaves him in his cot to cry to sleep.No wrapping or patting or comforting. (I hate listening to him cry and the first time I did it I went back in to him in about a minute and picked him up and rocked him to sleep!) He would only sleep for 40mins like that. He would pull his dummy out of his mouth when he startled if there was a noise, or if he was coming out of a sleep cycle. Even at home, he would only sleep 40mins at a time. I wrapped him one day (I wasn't aware we weren't supposed to, I just assumed we did because he was so little. He slept for 1 3/4 hours. So one of the full time girls asked if they could try wrapping him to see if he would sleep better that way, thankfully she said wrapping was ok. Now he sleeps between 1-3hours. Like a tiny baby should! (Not that I was lucky enough to have one of those babies myself, lol!!)
Then last week mum decided it was time to make baby have 4hrly feeds. And to give him more milk each feed. So now we have to not feed him til 4hrs is up, instead of 3hrly. Plus an extra 60mls of milk, when he wasn't even finishing what he used to have. Just like that. No trying intervals or giving him 10mins xtra each day and 10mls extra milk or anything like that, just from 3 to 4hrly feeds. Then the next day after she said that, she told us she's started him on solids. OMG I could just cry. I was supposed to feed him his food today but I just couldn't.I put it off and off, and did everything I could not to do it. I even changed a pooey nappy instead of doing it, lol. I just can not feed a 3 1/2mth old food. One of the other girls ended up doing it.
All of this just goes against every parenting instinct in me. He's such a gorgeous little boy and I am so sorry for him when he's puking up his bottles because he's tummy can't handle the amount of milk in it all at once. I can't stand listening to him cry himslef to sleep. And giving him food and watching him gag and splutter on it, it's just too much! I just want to hold him and kiss him and buy him some better bottles and tell her about gentle parenting!! I know that all parents are different and this most likely works for their family. She has different ideals and knowledge from me, but I could just cry for this little man!

Ummm. yeah.
maybe if you try slightly different things and it seems to work you could just mention it to her - like the wrapping. I mean that's not judgmental, it's just advice. But I guess you can't really put yourself in a position where you might be seen to be questioning her decisions. I spose many jobs have these sorts of pitfalls and you just have to trust that she's doing the best by her children.

It must be so hard to go against all your instincts and care for a baby in the exact opposite way you would care for a baby of your own. I do not envy you at all.

Sounds to me like this mother wants this baby to sleep through the night and not wake her up so she is following all that old advice about filling him up with food and formula and making him settle himself off to sleep, not making a rod for her own back and all that crap.

I could say a lot more but I probably shouldn't...so let's just leave it at that. But I would feel exactly the same way as you.

It sounds like you are in a tough position hun.

I've never worked in day care, however I send my kids there, and I like to hope that they try to follow the routine I ask them to as best as possible, but meh, I am fairly chilled out as my day care ladies are awesome and I trust them all to do whats in my kids' best interest. (They always tell me what times the kids napped, ate, drank etc when I pick them up).

In saying that, is there another 'higher up' staff member you could discuss your concerns with? Maybe like stating the recommendation for babies to start with food is 6 mths, and is the mum aware of this, etc? Like is there a policy that states child care centres have to advise parents when their requests do not fall within recommended guidelines etc?

You poor thing.. it must be so hard working in a job like that where every parent has their own set of rules.

I feel sorry for the poor little boy as he doesn't get held while he feeds :cry: this is the most amazing bonding experience and he's missing out!

He's so little still, i know each to their own but i'm not sure any 3mth old is REALLY ready to start solids, are they?

I thought if there was a way he slept better or fed better it would help her so her older child is not listening to a crying baby etc... oh i don't know...

Sorry no advice... just :hug: hang in there.

oh my gosh!
I was reading your post thinking of someone doing that to my little man... How could ANY mother not love and cherish every moment?

argh.. soo much is wrong with the way that mother is handling things imo

you're in a tough spot... I'd just give him cuddles and kisses allllll day, sounds like he's not getting them from anyone else :(

Give him a cuddle from me xx

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I could say a lot more but I probably shouldn't...so let's just leave it at that. But I would feel exactly the same way as you.

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Exactly. I am so glad I don't deal with mum. I don't think she's a bad parent or anything. But these things are all just so against my instincts as a parent and what I have done with my own babies. I am really trying to see things from her perspective and I don't want to say the wrong thing to her if I ever do need to deal with her (which is possible when I do full days sometimes). I know she would be doing it all from the best perspective for her family, no one wants to do the wrong thing by their baby or family. I just wonder if she's researched these things much, or if she's done much reading or what ever....?

Tellytubby, I know it seems harsh what she is doing, but as I said I don't deal with the family alot, and I really don't think she's doing it because she doesn't love him or anything. I just really think this is all she's been taught and it's what seems to be working for them as a family. I don't feel comfortable judging her for any of it, I'm just syaing that it all feels so wrong for me to do because it's not what I do kwim? I have learnt things about why usinf slow flow teats help with reflux and vommiting, I learnt why it's not advised to give solids under 6ish mths, I learnt why it's gentler to co sleep and not to leave baby crying to sleep. I'm betting this is just what others have told her work for them so she is trying what they have said works. As I said I'm sure she's acting in his best interests.
And BTW I do just cuddle him all the time when I'm there with him. He's soooo gorgeous and makes me so clucky!!

oh :hug: Kell, that's tough.
The solids thing is a real worry though. Can the director not have a chat with mum and tell her how ill advised that is?

Can you talk to the staff members who do deal with the mother alot to get their vibes on her? They might have an instinct of whether she knows the guidelines and is still choosing this way, or whether she really isn't that aware..

Reason I ask, my previous childcare for DD often made suggestions when I was or wasn't doing something that they felt was necessary or unnecessary for the age.. Maybe she would appreciate some educated advice, but speaking to the ones who see Mum or Dad most might have an idea of how she would react..

But I don't envy your position having to do something totally different to your instincts..

I've had the opposite - one member of staff at DS's nursery telling me I should let him cry, another staff suggest I hit him to stop him hitting me. I told both that I don't agree with that, but the cryer woman just kept going on and on about it. Yes, you're old and have raised your children. Yes, I'm young-ish (in my mind) and am still raising a child - let me make my own mistakes, not repeat yours!

TBH, I never took offence at "why don't you try..." unless I'd already explained why I didn't do that. Because I'm secure in my parenting I suppose - it is annoying to have strangers suggesting CIO methods or thinking slings are bad but I can hope that they won't try it again with a less confident mother after talking to me. It's education: I learnt this myself, these people learnt something else. It's great to share what we know! That's what they do, that's what I do.

Hopefully this woman isn't aware of anything other than what her mother and MiL are telling her to do, so a differing solution may be welcomed.

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But I would feel exactly the same way as you.

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Hmm yeah, me too. :hug: That must be so hard for you to cope with.
Yes, she probably is following advice, although she has an older child, so it might be that she is doing what worked for her last time, or perhaps she is trying to avoid certain problems she had last time?

I agree with everyone else's advice, maybe see if someone can have a word to her & just let her know of the current guidelines....other than that, I don't know.

BTW - I'm not sure I understand the benefit of him being fed in a rocker, someone still has to hold the bottle don't they? Why not just hold him? am I missing something? :redface:

Sounds very much like the TH routine coming out. Feeds on a set schedule with a set volume that must be taken, introduction of solids at 16w, increased volume to *promote* sleeping all night :wall: SIL did this and it is something I choose not to discuss because it is COMPLETELY opposite to my parenting style.

Anyway - enough from me. It makes my blood boil and it is not worth discussing because it makes me soooooooo angry and sad for the baby.

:crying:
your post seriously made me cry. That poor little darling :(

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:crying:
your post seriously made me cry. That poor little darling :(

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Me too.

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Ummm. yeah.
maybe if you try slightly different things and it seems to work you could just mention it to her - like the wrapping. I mean that's not judgmental, it's just advice. But I guess you can't really put yourself in a position where you might be seen to be questioning her decisions. I spose many jobs have these sorts of pitfalls and you just have to trust that she's doing the best by her children.

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I think it's important to remember though, that as long as this child is not coming to harm, it is not our job (I;m a director of ccc) to pass judgement and implement our ideals on parents - we may not agree, but it is our job to follow parents wishes with their children.
Personally I would be pretty annoyed if I didn't want my child nursed to sleep and carers got them into that routine in the centre and then I had to do the same at home - just as an example.

:yeahthat:

This is what I was trying to say as well. I can't just tell her the way I do things because the way she does things offends and upsets me. I am the one with the problem, I am the one who has to deal with it. She is not saying she has any issues with the way things are for them. The baby is happy enough. There are absolutely no signs of any abuse or neglect (as such). This is my job, and I come into contact with many many different parenting styles. This is just the first time I have encountered a family who have done so many things that go against my own beliefs and practices. And I just get upset when he's upset with his routines. He's still so little.

asugirl, I would be pretty pee'd off too if someone did things I asked not to be done for my little one. And though I did wrap him that one time, I was not aware we were not supposed to. If I am having a really difficult time dealing with doing things mum has asked to do for baby, I will usually ask someone else to do it instead. Like feeding solids. I asked one of the other girls to do it today. I just couldn't do it. I have explained to my director why and she's ok with it.


Thanks everyone for your understanding and suggestions. I appreciate it :) It's hard to go against instincts in a situation which deals with a baby so young.
But, I want to reiterate that I don't doubt that mum is doing what she thinks is best. And it might be best for the family. It just goes against my own practices, which is why I labelled the thread a vent!!

Poor little baby, I simply dont agree that babies that young should even be in childcare.. but thats just me, and Im still learning. But I do know that it is dangerous to feed babys that little solids already, yikes! But I guess if it works for her.. just hope the baby stays healthy.:(

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:yeahthat:

This is what I was trying to say as well. I can't just tell her the way I do things because the way she does things offends and upsets me. I am the one with the problem, I am the one who has to deal with it. She is not saying she has any issues with the way things are for them. The baby is happy enough. There are absolutely no signs of any abuse or neglect (as such). This is my job, and I come into contact with many many different parenting styles. This is just the first time I have encountered a family who have done so many things that go against my own beliefs and practices. And I just get upset when he's upset with his routines. He's still so little.

asugirl, I would be pretty pee'd off too if someone did things I asked not to be done for my little one. And though I did wrap him that one time, I was not aware we were not supposed to. If I am having a really difficult time dealing with doing things mum has asked to do for baby, I will usually ask someone else to do it instead. Like feeding solids. I asked one of the other girls to do it today. I just couldn't do it. I have explained to my director why and she's ok with it.


Thanks everyone for your understanding and suggestions. I appreciate it :) It's hard to go against instincts in a situation which deals with a baby so young.
But, I want to reiterate that I don't doubt that mum is doing what she thinks is best. And it might be best for the family. It just goes against my own practices, which is why I labelled the thread a vent!!

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It it tough hey? Seeing things, parenting styles, etc that just about break your heart, some people just don't know any better and do the best they can - I do think it's fine to 'offer' tidbits of advice though - which I casually do from time to time.

Slightly off subject but I just wanted to say hoorah :dance: for professional carers like you who see our kids as more than just a job. As long as mum's requests are being adhered to (whether by yourself or other staff members) there is no harm in feeling the way you do. You obviously genuinely care for this little fellow and this is extra love and nurturing that can only benefit him in every way ...

Awww, summers mum, you have honestly just made my day. Thankyou :D

I had tears in my eyes reading the OP :( That poor little guy. Why did that Mum have him if she didnt want to nurture him? I know that is harsh but that is how I feel about it. He is so young to be treated like that. I had a severe reflux baby and he didnt sleep for the first year unless I held him upright and rocked him, otherwise he was in constant pain.

Please give this bubba lots of love and cuddles :(

Lilias

my dd isn't in childcare but if she was I would want someone like you to look after her. Its great that you are so obviously caring for this little boy. I don't envy your situation but sounds like you are doing a wonderful job

Thanks Jen. I do try to do the best job I can, as so many childcare workers do!

An update on the little man, he is absolutely devine and is doing well. He's such a good little man!He is just 6mths now. Trying very hard to sit up, and rolls absolutely everywhere, put him down in one spot and you'll find him all the way across the room in 1minute flat, lol!

Thanks again everyone for being so symapathetic. It's hard to go by someone else's parenting beliefs when they aren't your own, when the children are sooo little, and when research suggests the practices may not be best for bub.

so, did you end up just going with the flow? or did you give some casual advice here and there? good to hear he is doing well and yeah it would have been a very hard situation for you to deal with.

I didn't actually see her until the other day, about a week ago. My frustration and anger (?? for wont of a better word!) has dissipated a little by then, thankfully. Otherwise I would have probably gone over board.

I don't have any advice for you but i did want to say;
Thankyou for being in childcare! My daughter goes 2 days a week & It's because of loving, nurturing carers like you that i know i don't have to worry about her not being looked after well - It makes me so happy that a lovely person like you is watching over our bubs when we can't Xo

ETA: I just noticed someone else wrote something similar, Great minds.. :)

I think it is OK to report on the effects you observe on the baby. Things like: "first 150ml went in easily, additional 50 huge struggle, bigger puke than on smaller bottle" is not a criticism, it's a fact.
"Still gagging with solids" is likewise. "Cried for 40 minutes until rocked" is also a fact.
Mum may actually not be aware of the consequences of some of the changes.

It's hard to remember that most kids of the 1950's turned in to happy, functioning adults too!