Parenting labels..why do we use them?

Another thread brought me to this.
Why do we use labels when it comes to parenting, like "gental parenting" so what would you call a parent who doesnt co-sleep, doesnt baby wear, introduces solids early etc etc are we "hard parents" I feel that when I hear the word "gentle parenting" I get the guilts like wow am i a bad mum coz i couldnt manage to breast feed, because my son went into his own room at 7 weeks, because occasionally when i know he is super tired ill let him cry for a little bit.

Why cant we just be parents, as simple as that.
We all make different choices, my son & daughters are happy, well adjusted & healthy we do whats right for us and we are no worse off for it.

It's up to you how you react hun. Blonde jokes don't bother me and that's another label, - I don't have to subscribe to it.

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It's up to you how you react hun. Blonde jokes don't bother me and that's another label, - I don't have to subscribe to it.

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Thats true but things like this does not help a PND mum, trust me I am one

It's still up to you how you take it though - as you said We all make different choices, my son & daughters are happy, well adjusted & healthy we do whats right for us and we are no worse off for it.

My daughter went into her own room about 4 weeks - that doesn't make me a "hard" parent. My other 2 slept in my room because of a space issue, doesn't necesarily make me a gentle parent either.

I'm a Carlton supporter. I use that label to explain to people I barrack for the best team in the AFL (kill me...I know we suck right now). Some people use the term 'gentle' to describe their ethos as parents is all.

i think all parents should be happy and comfortable with the way they have chosen to parent and not let what others do bother them

I think it's just used to easily explain what sort of parent you are. If I say I'm a gentle parent people know where I come from and how I likely parent. Doesn't mean everything I do is 'gentle' but I'm more that way inclined and it's easy to say 'I'm a gentle parent' than explain everything you do, iykwim.

There's the gentle mum, the attached mum, the working mum, the gina ford/tizzy hall mum, the stay at home mum, the social mum, the helicopter mum...

NOWHERE in any of these labels is "the good mum". Because we're ALL good mums, we just have different styles. And society likes to label a mum with a style. I have been classed as gentle/attached mother - and also working mother, SAHM, uninvolved mother, over-involved mother, bad mother (by my own mother!)... I just let it go now.

I would say I was more gentle than not: I occasionally co-sleep (DS wandered into my room at 3am today), more usually when DS is ill; I did breast and formula for feeds; I use cloth and disposable nappies; I didn't cuddle DS when he fell from the dining room table yesterday, DH did that because DS is upsetting DH by not wanting Daddy so I'm letting DH do more, even if it means DS is screaming two seconds longer; I babywear not because we "can't afford a pram" (as some locals thought) but because I have no room to store it in my tiny home - I am getting a bike with a child seat on the back for DS very soon as I'm sick of carrying him everywhere now, but when he was younger I certainly used the pram; I went back to work when DS was 13m old part-time, then full-time when he was 2 (now unemployed)...

My point is, I have had praises and criticism for doing what I wanted with DS. And had severe depression at the time. It made it easier: I knew everyone thought I was a crap mum so the odd praise was really wonderful.

I've said this in other posts: what do strangers know? Only what they see for two seconds or what you tell them.

Who gets to judge if you're a good mum or not? Your child. Do everything for your child with your child in mind and you'll be a good mum. Because that baby of yours is the ONLY person entitled to an opinion.

Yes, you'll get things wrong. See my sig - I know I get stuff wrong. But mostly I get it right for Liebling. He thinks I'm the world's greatest everything. That's all I care about.

Labels are really a tool, they help us work out where we can get information and support from. They are not a brand or a way to make people feel bad. If something is listed as gentle then I am more likely to read it when I am looking for advice for a problem. Saves me a lot of time, I don't have to start reading a lot different articles to find what I am after, just a few.

I am sure whoever it was who first coined the term gentle did not wake up one morning and go "oh, lets find a name for parenting that will make other parents feel like crap".

I wouldnt even know where to begin to categorise my parenting.
Maybe SAHM/Social mum. I take my kids to the park, we go to movies, we play. My second DD was prem but i couldnt BF for anymore than 2 weeks.
I sometimes push DS in a pram I sometimes Carry him I sometimes put him in his backpack carrier & I sometimes go out without him, I still party on the very odd occasion hell im only 25, Motherhood is a learnt skill for me i envy those who it came naturally too, I have days where Im in tears from my hyperactive 5 year old my child screams for no reason she kicks bites hits and tells me she hates me, but I still think im doing the best that I can.

I don't think it always comes naturally. In fact I think everyone is on L plates at the start.....and the middle.
Actually parenting my sensory son comes a little more naturally than the other 2 because I'm as nutty as he is.
You don't have to find your label, you can create your own if you want.

I don't label myself as anything other than "mum". I do what feels right for us, sometimes it's gentle, sometimes it's strict, sometimes I do things that aren't necessarily the best way, but we deal with that too. It just is what it is for us & we're all happy & still alive so far :lol: ;)

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I am sure whoever it was who first coined the term gentle did not wake up one morning and go "oh, lets find a name for parenting that will make other parents feel like crap".

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I think its really important to remember what Astrid says above. Its a way to describe an ethos. I follow in part a Buddhist philosophy doesn't mean I don't stand on ants but I subscribe to parts of that philosophy. It helps to define who I am (good luck there as I find it hard to define myself! :lol:) It also differentiates between a hindu philosophy etc. I gentle parent will tell you that I aim to be as gentle as possible. I fail miserably when I am screaming like a hyena... I succeed beautifully when I sit on the floor & explain things...

People don't say they "follow in part a Buddhist philosophy" to stick it to Christians or Hindus. They say it as it's what they are. It helps to define a person's ethos, thoughts, ideas, values...

For someone to say I have a happy marriage is saying they have a happy marriage. Not to stick it to me who is about to be divored... YK?

PND is a crippling affliction but we have to remember always, through all of our challenges that statements of individuals beliefs/ethos are about the person persons it's about. Not about putting down others... :hug:

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I am sure whoever it was who first coined the term gentle did not wake up one morning and go "oh, lets find a name for parenting that will make other parents feel like crap".

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I reccon this too :)

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I reccon this too :)

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The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children Yet mums like myself just go about our lives and let mums be mums its just a bit contradictive, GP's want to be left alone to parent in their way, and so do we

I'm confused. Why do people want to be left alone? And who asked everyone what they wanted? I certainly don't want to be left alone. Labels are what you choose to make of them. Just as some people use them to create an elitist status it can also be used in a derogative way when generalising.

left alone as in left to parent their own way, the way they choose and not have people feel the need to say hey shouldnt you get your baby up or shouldnt you keep him of solids till such & such etc etc

Mass generalisations don't get you anywhere.
Do you realise you came in here upset because you felt judged, recieved some really lovely advice then turn around and make a MASSIVE judgement yourself?

Hi BP! :)
I understand your point of view with this topic - i know the thread you were talking about and i think it is great you brought up your concerns and queries into a new thread for discussion.

I always see labels as ways people can segregate themselves from others. Whether in a positive or a negative way.

I feel that being a mother is so very hard, and it doesnt help to have judgements placed upon your choices by outsiders that have no insight into your lives.

I believe as humans we often live in a vacuum and have such societal pressures to conform to what the masses say is the 'best way'.

We use methods in parenting because it is what works for us. When we realise it doesnt work then we want to research to find different methods. Here is where labelling can be an effective tool for finding information which differs from our own.

The important thing i think to remember is that just because i do something one way doesnt make it THE right way, but it is the right way for me.

If you find you encounter people that use labels in vindictive manners then these people are not your friends, they are not supportive and in all honesty life is far to short to be surrounded by people that do not make you feel supported.

Good for you for getting your point out there, and i guess all i can say is in these threads which often seem one sided or 'labelling' speak up, write your experience, write your opinions as you will find that your words will be the same as anothers feeling exactly the same way but too afraid to go against the grain

xx

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Mass generalisations don't get you anywhere.
Do you realise you came in here upset because you felt judged, recieved some really lovely advice then turn around and make a MASSIVE judgement yourself?

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I havnt made any judgments im saying everyones way is the right way & that labels are ridiculous

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The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children Yet mums like myself just go about our lives and let mums be mums its just a bit contradictive, GP's want to be left alone to parent in their way, and so do we

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Oh ok, I must have read this wrong then?

Honestly in defence of "gentle" parents, often they are the ones attacked and critisised in the real world. Often without provocation at all, often they are the ones going about doing their own thing. To find a gentle parent "attacking" another parent in my experience is quite rare and if it happens, tends to only happen online. Also any criticisms tend to be vents amongst other gentle parents, so the only way that someone could feel attacked by that would be if they were reading threads that they should not.

For example - I don't control cry, as such I would not go into a pro- control crying thread or forum and if I did I would have to deal with what ever they had to say about parents who cuddle their babies to sleep. It would upset me to read it, so I just don't there.

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The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children Yet mums like myself just go about our lives and let mums be mums its just a bit contradictive,

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:rofl: Well done on not being judgemental there. Totally minding your own business :clap:.

I'm not sure I understand where you're coming from now, you don't want to be judged right? But it's ok to judge others? That's not gonna fly unfortunately. I find if I am non-judgemental towards others I will get the same in return, generally. I liked what you said in your first post:

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We all make different choices, my son & daughters are happy, well adjusted & healthy we do whats right for us and we are no worse off for it.

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The thing is people judge, people put labels on themsleves and others - it's just the way things are. We are human, we are all flawed.

Myself? - I consider myself a "gentle" parent. Not because I co-sleep or did extended breast feeding or a baby wore but because I am gentle with my children and I love them unconditionally. I kiss their teary faces and bruised knees when they fall down, I cuddle and sing to them at 3am if that's what they need to feel safe after a bad dream, I try and explain why there are clouds in the sky and why the sky is blue and the last words they hear from me every night is "Mummy loves you".

You see I AM gentle, I'm not labelled, it's simply what I do so that when my children encounter others they in turn will be gentle....

It's not a label it's a lifestyle choice.

This is another one of 'those' threads. It doesn't matter if you are 'gentle' or 'strict' it doesn't matter if you 'home-birthed' or 'hopsital-birthed' it doesn't matter if 'breast' or 'formula' fed. None of it really matters as long as YOU, the parent, are happy with YOUR choices!

It sucks that we, as mums, judge other mums for their choices. But it is after-all part of our programming as human beings.

FWIW, I don't believe in the 'labels' either. I contradict all of them because I do things MY way.

I don't see how gentle = smothering.

I could get quite hurt after saying I was more gentle than not and trying to be supportive that you would turn around and say I smother my child and judge others' parenting. I'm not going to, as your opinion on my parenting style and label mean nothing to me (only my son gets a say), but I could.

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It's not a label it's a lifestyle choice.

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Judgment is a circle. You have to put out to receive it back again. Perhaps you are actually judging yourself, because I make it my business to never judge people for their parenting decisions. Being a mum is hard enough. Be kind to yourself. Only you know what is best for your child.

Lulu has summed it up so well, there are labels for just about everything you do, that doesn't mean it's offensive or judgemental.

However, I must say, that by saying that gentle parents "smother" their children is being quite judgemental on your part don't you think? However, I'm not going to take offense to that as I am happy with my parenting choices, and it really only matters what myself, my husband and my son think in the end.

This has been such an interesting thread hey? For it shows really how easily judgement can happen and can be perceived.

I hope I don't smother - but me personally I am really content with my choices most of the time. I haven't really got the time or energy to spend time thinking about the rightness or wrongness of what other parents do.

I reckon it's a tough gig - and we just need to get on with it and now wonder what everyone else thinks of us or says.

I hope you can find some peace Butterfly :hug:

Parenting is such a tought gig to begin with - and it sometimes involves alot of guilt. I have had tonnes of it - couldnt breast feed so FF, use sposies, sometime co-sleep, never CIO.. ect
But the guilt that I have felt was oftern put on myself by ME! I have a terrible habit of reading things and feeling like they are a direct hit at me and my parenting - but they are NOT.

Everyone feels judged at some stage no matter what we do - I now know im my heart that I have done the best that I could with the cards / choices that are delt and at the end of the day my little girl is healthy and very very very happy so thats all the matters.

I hope that you can work through all these feeling you have and come to some sort of peace xox

I haven't read all the posts in this thread so I am only going to give my take on it. Putting a 'name' to a parenting style isn't about judgement at all. It is merely to a put a name to a way of doing things. Like the Truby King Method, which is your CIO and your more detached style of parenting. Then there was the Spock method which is kinda a cross between the Truby King Method and the Continuum Concept (or more commonly known these days as attachment parenting) but the Spock method tends to have more influence from the Continuum Concept. Gentle Parenting IMO is part of attachment parenting, but not as strict in regards to baby wearing and co-sleeping. You can still be a 100% gentle parent and use a pram and cot kwim? It's a way to describe your overall parenting philosophy and was never EVER designed as an attack on someone else just because they do things differently. Plus to just say you follow that parenting philosophy is a heck of a lot easier than describing all the different ways you do things to people. I like being succinct ;)

As for me? I choose to follow the Trillian parenting style because I do what works for me and everyone else can go jump in the lake ;) It is a mish-mash of all parenting styles (except I don't do CIO) because I have 4 children who are all very different and don't fit the mould of one particular style. I like to have some sort of routine to my day, just as much as I like to play it by ear. I loved co-sleeping from time to time, but I loved having my bed to myself again. I wish I could use my carrier all the time, but it is a pain in the ass when you want to try on clothes in the shops, so a pram is awesome. I don't feel judged because those who are attachment parenters probably don't like that I have a pram, just as I don't feel like a freak when I get asked by someone "Isn't he heavy?" when I wear my 2.5yo on my back. I have the confidence to do what makes me and my kids happy and that's all that matters. If you get hung up on 'labels' then that is an issue that you need to work on yourself, because you are projecting your issues onto everyone else by bringing it up in the way you have.

Interesting.

I just wanted to add here that I think a lot of it comes down to not what you do, but how you are. We talk about gentle parenting assuming it means bf, co-slept, sling-worn, cloth-bummed, but who says you have to do any of that to be a gentle parent-er? I always thought it was more about having empathy for your children, respecting them as little people and treating them as such.

Labels are really good if they are good for you. I like to label myself a 'gentle parent', it reminds me of where I'm trying to go with this parenting thing, and it gives me a sense of a 'village' within my decisions. But I certainly don't think of anyone else as 'hard', nor as 'smothering'. being a gentle parent is a label for me, that I take on. But having said, I don't define my parenting choices by what a 'gentle parent' should do, but rather as my own decision, coming from a gentle parenting ethos.

I've enjoyed this thread (although not the stereotyping). I've honestly never heard of all of these parenting styles before..

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gentle mum, the attached mum, the working mum, the gina ford/tizzy hall mum, the stay at home mum, the social mum, the helicopter mum...

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Does a helicopter mum just whirr around all day?!!

A helicopter Mum is defined as a parent who hovers over their children, not letting them get hurt, making sure that they are succeeding at school etc. basically a parent who is way over protective of their children.

I've not heard of the helicopter Mum :)

Now I realise that maybe i am one...LOL

My MIL told me that I need to relax a little and let my DS climb up too high, ride his bike too fast, jump too far etc etc etc.

This is fascinating stuff....

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The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children Yet mums like myself just go about our lives and let mums be mums its just a bit contradictive, GP's want to be left alone to parent in their way, and so do we

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didn't you just 'judge' Gentle parenters then by saying what you just said?! I 'gentle' parent my daughter but I don't 'smother' her so you r implying that we, as gentle parents, do that to our kids? Hun, you need to be a bit more 'tactful' in the way you word things. And generalising like that...... I certainly don't judge other Mum's.

Yes I use gentle parenting for my DD, that is how we CHOOSE to do it in our family. Doesn't mean we don't set boundaries, have limits etc.... BUT I don't walk around saying I'm a gentle parent blah blah.... it just doesn't come up! If people ask.... then I say we co-sleep (out of necessity to survive!!! LOL!!), I BF, baby wear etc.... thats my style I like.

I don't see how the 'terminology' can upset you? Regardless whether you have PND or not.. (with all respect).

ps - your parcel was sent today :D

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Interesting.

I just wanted to add here that I think a lot of it comes down to not what you do, but how you are. We talk about gentle parenting assuming it means bf, co-slept, sling-worn, cloth-bummed, but who says you have to do any of that to be a gentle parent-er? I always thought it was more about having empathy for your children, respecting them as little people and treating them as such.

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I do not see cloth bummed as being "gentle", I see what I put on their bum not really related to how I parent as it is a practicality, more of a lifestyle choice. So when I refer to gentle, I never mean cloth. I suppose it does really show that labels are what we choose them to be.

Yeah see I don't see how 'some' sposie Mum's get upset when they hear of cloth mum's putting cloth on their babies butt?!?! It's a CHOICE. We put cloth on our babys bum because we CHOOSE too. I don't understand how, and you hear of it, mum's getting 'offended' by this or thinking that we think we are better than them because our baby is in cloth?!
It's personal choice. That's all it is. Simple. We use cloth because it's SUPER cute, saves the environment and better for DD's skin and health! I'm not so sure it's cheaper for the pocket though ;) rather addictive :rofl:

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People don't say they "follow in part a Buddhist philosophy" to stick it to Christians or Hindus. They say it as it's what they are. It helps to define a person's ethos, thoughts, ideas, values...

For someone to say I have a happy marriage is saying they have a happy marriage. Not to stick it to me who is about to be divored... YK?

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I think this was a really lovely way of putting it :)

Im not judging when I say smother at all, I have smothering days and I actuallu quite enjoy them i dont think smother is a judgmental word i guess could have worded it differently but I couldnt think of another word.

After reading all the replies there is absoloutly no label that fits me, im a bit of all of it & I just dont see why we need to judge, this thread was great for me as it made me realise that ok I can now see i AM doing the best I can and i DONT care how anyone else feels about it.

To all the mums whether your a gentle parenter or the opposite what your doing is right for your child what your doing is amazing, we are all parents and the one thing that each and every one of us has in common is that we love out children to death we are the same just different & we are all doing the right thing.

:clap: to all the mummies & daddies with healthy children no matter what your parenting style, we need to support each other & we can do that by congratulating our friends on being parents and bringing up healthy children

Also thanks everyone who contributed its great that we could have this debate without it turning into and argument without needing the thread shut donw, for this im greatful to belly belly for the great community you have grown

xxx

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The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children

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I could take that as a judgement on my parenting, as I do follow what I think is a more 'gentle' approach. But I won't because its obvious that you have no idea about how I parent my child or what 'gentle parenting' actually is. Not meaning that in a mean way, just a factual statement that obviously you don't understand.

Maybe you could just take that kind of approach. Say "pffft, what would anyone else know about my parenting style. Just because someone else says that they are 'gentle' doesn't mean that because I don't parent like them that I am not gentle".

Attitude is key ;)


BTW, my own definition of gentle doesn't necessarily mean co-sleeping or wearing a sling. My defintion of gentle is more about respectful parenting, basically treating my daughter as I treat others. I would never smack, yell at, walk away from if they were crying, or put down my partner, or my friends, or even another persons child, so I follow that through with my child. That is my own definiton of gentle. It jsut so happens that we are still breastfeeding, co-slept, I have a sling that I use often, and we use cloth nappies. Nothing to do with how I chose to raise my child, just what aligns with my personal parenting instinct. If I formula fed, used disposables, put her in a cot in her own room, and never owned a slign, I'd still consider myself a gentle parent because of the philosophy I use, the way I parent, not the props I use.