Parenting labels..why do we use them?

[Astrid]

Labels are really a tool, they help us work out where we can get information and support from. They are not a brand or a way to make people feel bad. If something is listed as gentle then I am more likely to read it when I am looking for advice for a problem. Saves me a lot of time, I don't have to start reading a lot different articles to find what I am after, just a few.

I am sure whoever it was who first coined the term gentle did not wake up one morning and go "oh, lets find a name for parenting that will make other parents feel like crap".

[~Raven~]

I am sure whoever it was who first coined the term gentle did not wake up one morning and go "oh, lets find a name for parenting that will make other parents feel like crap".

I reccon this too

[Cocolove]

I reccon this too

The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children Yet mums like myself just go about our lives and let mums be mums its just a bit contradictive, GP's want to be left alone to parent in their way, and so do we

[Lulu]

The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children Yet mums like myself just go about our lives and let mums be mums its just a bit contradictive, GP's want to be left alone to parent in their way, and so do we

Oh ok, I must have read this wrong then?

[Astrid]

Honestly in defence of "gentle" parents, often they are the ones attacked and critisised in the real world. Often without provocation at all, often they are the ones going about doing their own thing. To find a gentle parent "attacking" another parent in my experience is quite rare and if it happens, tends to only happen online. Also any criticisms tend to be vents amongst other gentle parents, so the only way that someone could feel attacked by that would be if they were reading threads that they should not.

For example - I don't control cry, as such I would not go into a pro- control crying thread or forum and if I did I would have to deal with what ever they had to say about parents who cuddle their babies to sleep. It would upset me to read it, so I just don't there.

[Heaven]

The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children Yet mums like myself just go about our lives and let mums be mums its just a bit contradictive,

Well done on not being judgemental there. Totally minding your own business .

I'm not sure I understand where you're coming from now, you don't want to be judged right? But it's ok to judge others? That's not gonna fly unfortunately. I find if I am non-judgemental towards others I will get the same in return, generally. I liked what you said in your first post:

We all make different choices, my son & daughters are happy, well adjusted & healthy we do whats right for us and we are no worse off for it.

[krisp]

The thing is people judge, people put labels on themsleves and others - it's just the way things are. We are human, we are all flawed.

Myself? - I consider myself a "gentle" parent. Not because I co-sleep or did extended breast feeding or a baby wore but because I am gentle with my children and I love them unconditionally. I kiss their teary faces and bruised knees when they fall down, I cuddle and sing to them at 3am if that's what they need to feel safe after a bad dream, I try and explain why there are clouds in the sky and why the sky is blue and the last words they hear from me every night is "Mummy loves you".

You see I AM gentle, I'm not labelled, it's simply what I do so that when my children encounter others they in turn will be gentle....

It's not a label it's a lifestyle choice.

[Early Kids]

This is another one of 'those' threads. It doesn't matter if you are 'gentle' or 'strict' it doesn't matter if you 'home-birthed' or 'hopsital-birthed' it doesn't matter if 'breast' or 'formula' fed. None of it really matters as long as YOU, the parent, are happy with YOUR choices!

It sucks that we, as mums, judge other mums for their choices. But it is after-all part of our programming as human beings.

FWIW, I don't believe in the 'labels' either. I contradict all of them because I do things MY way.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I don't see how gentle = smothering.

I could get quite hurt after saying I was more gentle than not and trying to be supportive that you would turn around and say I smother my child and judge others' parenting. I'm not going to, as your opinion on my parenting style and label mean nothing to me (only my son gets a say), but I could.

[Arcadia]

It's not a label it's a lifestyle choice.

:yeahthat:

Judgment is a circle. You have to put out to receive it back again. Perhaps you are actually judging yourself, because I make it my business to never judge people for their parenting decisions. Being a mum is hard enough. Be kind to yourself. Only you know what is best for your child.

[Jaycee]

Lulu has summed it up so well, there are labels for just about everything you do, that doesn't mean it's offensive or judgemental.

However, I must say, that by saying that gentle parents "smother" their children is being quite judgemental on your part don't you think? However, I'm not going to take offense to that as I am happy with my parenting choices, and it really only matters what myself, my husband and my son think in the end.

[Shanti]

The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children Yet mums like myself just go about our lives and let mums be mums its just a bit contradictive, GP's want to be left alone to parent in their way, and so do we

didn't you just 'judge' Gentle parenters then by saying what you just said?! I 'gentle' parent my daughter but I don't 'smother' her so you r implying that we, as gentle parents, do that to our kids? Hun, you need to be a bit more 'tactful' in the way you word things. And generalising like that...... I certainly don't judge other Mum's.

Yes I use gentle parenting for my DD, that is how we CHOOSE to do it in our family. Doesn't mean we don't set boundaries, have limits etc.... BUT I don't walk around saying I'm a gentle parent blah blah.... it just doesn't come up! If people ask.... then I say we co-sleep (out of necessity to survive!!! LOL!!), I BF, baby wear etc.... thats my style I like.

I don't see how the 'terminology' can upset you? Regardless whether you have PND or not.. (with all respect).

ps - your parcel was sent today

[Astrid]

Interesting.

I just wanted to add here that I think a lot of it comes down to not what you do, but how you are. We talk about gentle parenting assuming it means bf, co-slept, sling-worn, cloth-bummed, but who says you have to do any of that to be a gentle parent-er? I always thought it was more about having empathy for your children, respecting them as little people and treating them as such.

I do not see cloth bummed as being "gentle", I see what I put on their bum not really related to how I parent as it is a practicality, more of a lifestyle choice. So when I refer to gentle, I never mean cloth. I suppose it does really show that labels are what we choose them to be.

[Shanti]

Yeah see I don't see how 'some' sposie Mum's get upset when they hear of cloth mum's putting cloth on their babies butt?!?! It's a CHOICE. We put cloth on our babys bum because we CHOOSE too. I don't understand how, and you hear of it, mum's getting 'offended' by this or thinking that we think we are better than them because our baby is in cloth?!
It's personal choice. That's all it is. Simple. We use cloth because it's SUPER cute, saves the environment and better for DD's skin and health! I'm not so sure it's cheaper for the pocket though rather addictive

[Cocolove]

Im not judging when I say smother at all, I have smothering days and I actuallu quite enjoy them i dont think smother is a judgmental word i guess could have worded it differently but I couldnt think of another word.

After reading all the replies there is absoloutly no label that fits me, im a bit of all of it & I just dont see why we need to judge, this thread was great for me as it made me realise that ok I can now see i AM doing the best I can and i DONT care how anyone else feels about it.

To all the mums whether your a gentle parenter or the opposite what your doing is right for your child what your doing is amazing, we are all parents and the one thing that each and every one of us has in common is that we love out children to death we are the same just different & we are all doing the right thing.

to all the mummies & daddies with healthy children no matter what your parenting style, we need to support each other & we can do that by congratulating our friends on being parents and bringing up healthy children

Also thanks everyone who contributed its great that we could have this debate without it turning into and argument without needing the thread shut donw, for this im greatful to belly belly for the great community you have grown

xxx

[Indadhanu]

The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children

I could take that as a judgement on my parenting, as I do follow what I think is a more 'gentle' approach. But I won't because its obvious that you have no idea about how I parent my child or what 'gentle parenting' actually is. Not meaning that in a mean way, just a factual statement that obviously you don't understand.

Maybe you could just take that kind of approach. Say "pffft, what would anyone else know about my parenting style. Just because someone else says that they are 'gentle' doesn't mean that because I don't parent like them that I am not gentle".

Attitude is key


BTW, my own definition of gentle doesn't necessarily mean co-sleeping or wearing a sling. My defintion of gentle is more about respectful parenting, basically treating my daughter as I treat others. I would never smack, yell at, walk away from if they were crying, or put down my partner, or my friends, or even another persons child, so I follow that through with my child. That is my own definiton of gentle. It jsut so happens that we are still breastfeeding, co-slept, I have a sling that I use often, and we use cloth nappies. Nothing to do with how I chose to raise my child, just what aligns with my personal parenting instinct. If I formula fed, used disposables, put her in a cot in her own room, and never owned a slign, I'd still consider myself a gentle parent because of the philosophy I use, the way I parent, not the props I use.

[Cocolove]

I hav actually apologised in another thread for my wording, it wasnt meant to come across like that.

I had to come say sorry because my lack of writing skills seem to get me into trouble when I didnt mean things to come accross the way the do.

When I say smother I didnt mean it the way it sounded, I am still stuck for another word to use to get across what I meant, I dont think you smother your children in a bad way not at all I think your great parents wonderful caring patient parents and I love the way you parent its your way and its beautiful just because its not for me doesnt mean i judge.

So for this wording i am truley sorry, please accept my apology and know that I did not mean for it to come accross that way AT ALL.

xx

[slyder]

Trippy thread.

Being a parent is being a parent. Labels are a human construct which are intangible and have value only to those who choose to subscribe to them.

My view is that people who spend so much time trying to be a certain something don't have enough things to occupy their mind, especially if they then evaluate the choices of their peers. People have this great knack of making intangible, non-existent things hard.

Parent as you see fit within the bounds of what is reasonable, observe and listen to others, but make your own decisions. Seems pretty easy to me.