Advice please - My Lesbian Daughter wants a baby from her Gay male best friend

Hello all,

I am a hetro parent and my daughter came out a few years ago while she was at High School. Though it was a surprise at first I soon realised it did not change her as a loving daughter and she was entitled to her sexual orientation. Now she is 18 and has been away from school for a couple of years and I am trying to guide her into a career.

I must admit that it is frustrating trying to keep her focused on sorting out her future. Though she says she wants my help and really wants her future I fear she is becoming distracted the more she gets involved with her sexuality, romances and joining with other like minded young people.

I really would like any advice from this forum with trying to guide my daughter.

When she was at school, she became great friends with a young gay guy and they are still great friends though some of the things she says about his substance abuse concerns me.

In a quiet moment some time ago she told me that she was in love with him but he is not Bi. I can’t help but think that she is adapting so as to continue her relationship with this guy.

This young feller is very insecure and uses my daughter to help him find other young guys. From what my daughter says I can not help but think that he is using her as a security blanket

My daughter has the occasional romance but the only thing that has been a constant has been her gay male friend.

I am struggling to keep her on track with her career and now she comes home saying that she and her gay friend are going to become parents – He donating sperm for artificial insemination.

I need some guidance here please – They may continue to be friends but I am sure they will never be a couple. If there were a baby to arrive, is this kind of fathering – friend relationship going to be OK for the little one? It seems a little unusual to me – am I wrong?

I am at a loss – do I stay out of this – do I keep battling to help her sort out her future?

I approached it once and there was a huge wall that came up between us.

I think Id be more worried about her having a baby at all at 18

Not sure what to say.. I guess you need to be supportive. But I can see the reason why you have concerns.
I have no idea what the process is with IVF.. But maybe suggest she do some conselling before going down the path to parenthood? Maybe it will help her see that becoming a parent is something special & that she should wait & see if she finds someone who will want to be her life partner to share such a special time with. KWIM?

Goodluck with it. Good on you for being a supportive Mum :)

just wanted to say hi, welcome to BB and hugs for the situation you are in. I have no idea what i would do if i were in your situation, so complex!! I hope you find some great advice. sure you will!

i was pregnant when i was 19, my bub turned out aok!
u need to support your daughter in everything she chooses to do.
Being a young mum isnt a bad thing, yes its a bit harder but if she chooses to go through with it, its so so so important that she has your support (yes as much as she pretends to not care, your support really is the most important thing to her)

No i dont think a child having gay parents is any issue, so long as the child knows how it came to be from an early age, and its not kept a big secret.
Secrets mean that we're hiding something, and to hide somthing means we arent proud of our decision, which means it wrong.
Being a child from gay parents isnt wrong, its just as right as being a child from hetro parents.

should this come to be, there are plenty of books out these day for kids about donor bubs and bubs from same sex parents.
Good luck, i hope this journey isnt a tough one for you xxx

I think the relationship would be very much the same between the baby and your DD's friend as the relationship between a family who use a known donor and the donor is. Maybe have a look into some literature regarding Known Donation and Rainbow Parenting. I am a young mum. I had my first baby at 20. I dont thing age really has anything to do with preparedness for parenting, I think maturity is more important.

My parents wanted me to be established in a career before having children. Personally I had no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and having children has helped me find direction. I am preparing to apply for Uni now that I know what I want to do. Maybe she is not ready for a lifelong career decision yet.

welcome to BB - hope the advice you get here can help you out!

i would suggest not trying to influence your daughter in any way - if you try to push her in one direction (career) she will likely go the opposite. simply support her as much as you can

if she is adamant on having a child with her friend, it would really be little different to any other relationship where the parents don't co-habitate. sexuality doesn't define parenting abilities. i would suggest though that you do all you can to get them to do this through a clinic. at home insemination can be dangerous (no screening etc) - if it's done through an ivf clinic, both will be screened for problems, as well us needing to both undergo significant counselling in regards to the process. it might be helpful to both your daughter and her friend to have an outlet to talk to someone who can be more clinical and de-romanticise the idea of having a child. as you know, it's not easy - and if they are going to co-parent this child, they need to know what they're going into

good luck

I agree with some of the above posts that the concept of known donor and co-parenting isn't the problem, her age is. 18 is a child - and yes, some kids make a success of having kids themselves, but from what you've said she seems very immature. She would probably be much better off finding out who she is and what she wants out of life.

Teh otehr red flags are a) that she says she's in love with him, but is used by him as a way to get sexual contacts and b) that you think she's trying to keep hold of him by having the child. That sounds like a trainwreck in process, and something that might cause huge amounts of pain and damage to both herself and her child. (And he sounds like a total nightmare, frankly.)

I don't think that gay and lesbian friends having and co-parenting a child between them is in any way wrong or unworkable; it can be a very stable, loving base for children. I think you're right, though, to be very worried about this particular situation, as it seems a long way from two adults who have thoughtfully considered what they want from life making a serious decision together - it sounds like a potential mess and a half.

I think briggsy's girl has a great idea - if you can convince her to go through a clinic, it will hopefully make her undergo counselling and really think about the consequences of what she is trying to do.

Some great advice here.

Re letting her find her own direction, I agree - but knowing my daughter for the last 18 years I also know that she is very easily influenced by those around her. I thought I was on a winner when she became focused on a tertiary career and had it all planned out and was working the plan, but as of late I get the impression that studying is interrupting her social life.

The fact that she puts up a defensive wall around her whenever the subject is brought up conserns me. It is now escallated further, for the past 8 months she avoids talking with us so she does not need to discuss this.

I know there are excellent qualified life councellors that she has access to through Pride, but she needs to take this initiative herself - I can't force her.

All you can do is walk behind her in this journey and be there for her if things go wrong. At 18 of course she is finding herself and her uni/career might be put on hold for a while. Isn't that normal for straight and gay and lesbian 18 year olds alike...? She may make decision that you, as her mother and as a person with more life experience, might think and even know are disasterous but the more you try to influence her and push her int he direction you think she should go in the more she is likely to resist that. 18yos are like that, we were all 18 once so I'm sure you can understand what I'm trying to say.

Positive or negative, she'll take the direction she feels is right for her right now. Just follow her, because if things go wrong (IF not WHEN) she'll need you to help her back up (without 'I told you so' ;)).

My thoughts: She's young (i remember that at 18, I did/said a bunch of stupid things that I would never have done at 20!). And I very much doubt she's thought this through past the prenancy phase! No one should have a child on a whim.

AI is still a very expensive procedure & I think you should really encourage her into counselling to get her to understand the full implications of what she wants to do. If she were my daughter, I would not support her financially to do this & would make that very clear. Emotional support is fine, but if she really thinks this is the right thing, she can pay for it on her own (or with the donor).

She needs to know that a baby will completely change her life as she knows it. Some doors close for a long time when you make that choice. she's going to have to be really really driven to get back into tertiary education as a single mum (I know - my mum was one that did it).

I agree that you can't push her into the right path, but only encourage her.

Does she still live at home with you?

I have to say though, not everyone chooses to have children at 30 or 40 some people do CHOOSE to have children young (and not because they are immature or lazy or money hungry), and they do an awesome job of it too. You can offer her advice but ultimately she is an adult now, and you need to let her make her own decisions - but you can be there to support her as Leasha said.

Regardless of her orientation, I would never support my daughter to get pregnant at 18. If she fell, so be it but I would not help her in that journey in any way.
Just mho

Yes me too, she needs to get her life set up before thinking of a baby. Who's going to financaiolly supporting the child -you will have alot of added responsibility to think about too.

You also mentioned her friends substance abuse which I don't think is at all ideal in making a baby or parenting.

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Does she still live at home with you?

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Yes - I think.... She is here about three to four nights a week. Though as a parent I should trust her but I have caught her out a few times regarding where she was.

By the way, there has been a couple of refrences to my position as her mother..... Roles are rather reversed in our house - I am her dad - now you might understand how confused I am in trying to cope with this :wall:

I really liked Briggsy's Girl's advice.

A lot of people at 18 aren't ready to lock in to a career path and in my opinion, having children young can be a fantastic thing, (18 is an adult and not a child) but she really needs to realise how hard single parenting can be and the impact that could be had on family and friends.

Maybe you could tell her your true feelings on the subject but that you will be supportive of her in whatever direction she chooses? I know I would find it hard to express my feelings on the topic to my daughter without getting emotional, but like you say, she may get defensive again and it will make things harder for you.

I know in the past I relied too much on my Mother's opinions and thoughts and as such our relationship has stayed as 'Mother and child' and not evolved in to a Mother/Daughter respectful friendship, as I see my other friends have and I wish for. I can only guess, but I think it's because my mother hasn't let go at her end and has never wanted us to fail or 'stuff up', but I'm afraid it's inevitable in life and sometimes you just have to hope the work you've done in the past has paid off.. ( Insert father/daughter where applicable :))

Does it matter though? I think there are 2 things going on here - do you think you will be seen as unsupportive that she is gay if you don't agree to help her (or cheer her along - whatever) in this latest idea to have a baby?

Whats the rush for her? Have you asked? Has she any idea how she will support the child?

Welcome to Belly Belly by the way :D

Bloody hell, I was only just thinking that I'd be slightly lucky if my DD turns out to be a lady lover (it's looking a little bit that way ;) ) cos I wouldn't have to worry about being a granny too early...aarrgh!

If she is at home, that makes it a bit trickier!

Does she have plans to move out on her own to raise her child, (if it happens) and is she responsible for paying her own way as an adult in your household?

I'd probably start giving her a gentle reality check now about how she will have to support and raise this child, not you guys..

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A lot of people at 18 aren't ready to lock in to a career path and in my opinion, having children young can be a fantastic thing

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But a career path is a lot less responsibility than a child! You can always change your career. If you don't like the course you're studying - change it. Don't like your job - get a different one. The doors are always open.

You cannot turn back from having a child. Yes, there are still many open doors for a career, but after watching my mum go through it - talk about the hardest way possible!

If she's not ready for job-life at 18yo, she's MILES away from from being ready for parent-life. Still living at home (at 18yo - that's fine, don't get me wrong there), but that's a really immature decision to make when you've never been out in the real world. At the moment she has a HUGE safety net of "mum's house". As it is, being 'home' for only 3 or 4 nights a week does not sound 'parent ready' in the slightest as I assume she's out enjoying the freedom of being an irresponsible 18yo (oh - those were the days!).

I don't think she knows how hard parenting (single or not) is, and what that would mean she has to change about her current lifestyle.

Does it matter though? I think there are 2 things going on here - do you think you will be seen as unsupportive that she is gay if you don't agree to help her (or cheer her along - whatever) in this latest idea to have a baby?

Whats the rush for her? Have you asked? Has she any idea how she will support the child?

Welcome to Belly Belly by the way :D

Bloody hell, I was only just thinking that I'd be slightly lucky if my DD turns out to be a lady lover (it's looking a little bit that way ;) ) cos I wouldn't have to worry about being a granny too early...aarrgh!

I think her age really needs to be taken out of the equation, so does her sexuality. It's more about her life situation and where she is at. What is best for her as a person regardless of age. The only hindrance the age has is that unfortunately you are no longer able to have any control over the decisions she makes.

I would seriously recommend taking her to see a counsellor and see one yourself on how best to deal with your feelings and the situation overall.

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do you think you will be seen as unsupportive that she is gay if you don't agree to help her

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Hit the nail on the head - any advice given contrary to her opinion is seen as not supporting her gay feelings

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Whats the rush for her? Have you asked? Has she any idea how she will support the child?

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You and I would naturally think of this but trying to speak logically to an 18 year old seems like trying to speak english to a martian sometimes. Been through this type of confusion with two older daughters (though their problems seemed slightly smaller in comparison)

i agree with Rouge - take her age and sexual preferences out of the equation and look at her life. being that it's her Dad posting, i can understand how this may be a lot more stressful. a dad approaching his daughter about having children at any time can be a bit of a mine field - even with her best interests at heart, she may throw back at him a lack of understanding of what it's like to have that mothering instinct and that undeniable need to fulfil it kwim?

i know how very hard it can be to go into counselling most of the time. try talking to her as an equal. an adult. NOT as a parent. she needs to know she is supported. she needs to know that you are going to be there for her. she is an adult. she might make decisions you don't agree with, but they are her decisions. perhaps talk to her about what she is planning on doing in regards to living situation, financial support etc.

i have a friend who had an oops pregnancy at 17, baby born at 18. her little girl is now 2, mum is working to support them, has purchased a house. she wasn't ready to study. she was a party girl all the way. but having her baby has made her grow up. her parents were there for her, but have made her take responsibility for her baby and her life. age doesn't make a parent. attitude does.

i agree it might be worth getting some counselling yourself to help you with how to talk to your DD about this. it's a big conversation to have and you need to know how to broach a lot of different fronts n this one - including her "crush" on her friend

If it's not english to a martian, they are like lawyers in a compo case :rolleyes:

I'd just seperate it out - it's not the gay thing darling, if you are not mature enough to see that there isn't much to say.....

Feeling for you xoxo

Is it possible to bargain with her?? Maybe let her know that if she completes her course at uni (I'm guessing this will take another year or two) then you will help her financially do it through a clinic and give her all the help she'd need... But if she goes ahead and does it now then you won't provide more than emergency accommodation? Just as an example, obviously you'd need to figure out your own terms...
I'd be concerned that she wants to create some permanent 'ties' between her and this friend, to keep him near.
Can you find pamphlets or info somewhere on drug use and parenting, leave them where she'll find them and maybe she'd re-think the co-parenting idea (not actually such an outlandish concept by the way).
Also, you mentioned 'catching her out' a few times about where she's been... I'm wondering why it is that she feels the need to hide her activities... Perhaps she feels like you disapprove of them (which you may well do) but if you try to react less she may hide less and at least you'd maybe have some openness?
Just some thoughts (from a single lesbian mum who asked a gay male friend to donate and he refused so she went elsewhere LOL)

sounds like you're in a tough decision - everything I was going to say has been said already, so I won't repeat... I hope your daughter ends up making the right decision for her, and that whatever the decision is, a LOT of thought goes into it

I was in love with a gay guy when I was 18 and if he'd topped his 'let's get married' with 'let's have a baby', I probably would have done because love really addles the brain. Luckily, I did neither.

Yes, some people make a conscious decision to have a baby young and it all works out for them. BUT, it looks like she may be taking such a big step to 1. Hold on to this guy in the hope that they'll then play happy families and 2.To avoid a career.

I wouldn't out and out be telling her it's a nuttso idea because that will put her offside. I'd be telling her that it's a big decision and it would be good for her to talk to other gay parents, other young parents, IVF counsellors etc. etc.

I'd also lay a little low on the career stuff. She may feel pressured to 'do something' with her life and this is pushing her towards having a baby too.

I know how frustrating it is when they seem directionless - my 16-year-old DSD is exactly the same. Luckily, we have an energetic toddler too which I think has put her off having kids for life because she can see how much hard work they are.

Hey there,

Sounds like a complicated situation...

Something that your daughter may need to consider is what happens if their friendship sours?

I have a friend who used a gay friend to help her conceive, all went well and a baby boy was born. Things cruised along without trouble until suddenly the gay donor friend decided that he and his new partner wanted to be parents also, and the whole thing ended up in court with a custody battle, and a judgement for 50-50 parenting.

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Sounds like a complicated situation...

Something that your daughter may need to consider is what happens if their friendship sours? ......... and the whole thing ended up in court with a custody battle, and a judgement for 50-50 parenting.

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Had not thought of that point - How to get her to realise this is the problem - 18 year olds seem to know everything and do not take advice too easily.

BTW - Hope your treatment is successful

Hi there,
Hope you don't mind me adding my thoughts in.....sorry it's very late! You may have sorted everything out by now, hopefully :)
My experience was quite different but sort of similar at the same time...... I am 22 now, but when I was 18 I was desperate to have a baby, and had been wanting to have one since I was 14. I knew that that was what I wanted for my life & it was all I could think about all the time, and I started trying to get pregnant with a great male friend of mine, who is heterosexual (I am a lesbian). When my mum found out about it she was furious at first, but started to accept it after a while I suppose. I started going through a clinic to try & get pregnant not long after that, and she was very supportive of me doing that. I know she never thought it was a "good idea" so to speak, but I guess she worked out how to try & support me if that's what I really wanted. In hindsight I am so glad it never worked out because my mum died when I was 19, and I never would have been able to cope with her death if I was trying to look after a baby too. So as I said, very different circumstances to yours & your daughters, but still similar :)
And I absolutely understand what you mean about 18 year olds thinking they know everything & not taking advice..... I was exactly the same. I was one of the most horrible teenagers you could possibly get, because I was really depressed for years, but my mum was always there for me. I think she must have been an angel! hehe.
Anyway, I hope you & your daughter are able to sort something out, and I know I probably haven't helped you, but I wanted to try & say that I can understand how your daughter might be feeling, but I can also understand a little bit of how you must be feeling about it all, so good luck!
Jess