Advice please - My Lesbian Daughter wants a baby from her Gay male best friend

[entreat]

My thoughts: She's young (i remember that at 18, I did/said a bunch of stupid things that I would never have done at 20!). And I very much doubt she's thought this through past the prenancy phase! No one should have a child on a whim.

AI is still a very expensive procedure & I think you should really encourage her into counselling to get her to understand the full implications of what she wants to do. If she were my daughter, I would not support her financially to do this & would make that very clear. Emotional support is fine, but if she really thinks this is the right thing, she can pay for it on her own (or with the donor).

She needs to know that a baby will completely change her life as she knows it. Some doors close for a long time when you make that choice. she's going to have to be really really driven to get back into tertiary education as a single mum (I know - my mum was one that did it).

I agree that you can't push her into the right path, but only encourage her.

Does she still live at home with you?

[Rouge]

I have to say though, not everyone chooses to have children at 30 or 40 some people do CHOOSE to have children young (and not because they are immature or lazy or money hungry), and they do an awesome job of it too. You can offer her advice but ultimately she is an adult now, and you need to let her make her own decisions - but you can be there to support her as Leasha said.

[Lulu]

Regardless of her orientation, I would never support my daughter to get pregnant at 18. If she fell, so be it but I would not help her in that journey in any way.
Just mho

[Aspire]

Does she still live at home with you?

Yes - I think.... She is here about three to four nights a week. Though as a parent I should trust her but I have caught her out a few times regarding where she was.

By the way, there has been a couple of refrences to my position as her mother..... Roles are rather reversed in our house - I am her dad - now you might understand how confused I am in trying to cope with this

[Lulu]

Does it matter though? I think there are 2 things going on here - do you think you will be seen as unsupportive that she is gay if you don't agree to help her (or cheer her along - whatever) in this latest idea to have a baby?

Whats the rush for her? Have you asked? Has she any idea how she will support the child?

Welcome to Belly Belly by the way

Bloody hell, I was only just thinking that I'd be slightly lucky if my DD turns out to be a lady lover (it's looking a little bit that way ) cos I wouldn't have to worry about being a granny too early...aarrgh!

[fionas]

I was in love with a gay guy when I was 18 and if he'd topped his 'let's get married' with 'let's have a baby', I probably would have done because love really addles the brain. Luckily, I did neither.

Yes, some people make a conscious decision to have a baby young and it all works out for them. BUT, it looks like she may be taking such a big step to 1. Hold on to this guy in the hope that they'll then play happy families and 2.To avoid a career.

I wouldn't out and out be telling her it's a nuttso idea because that will put her offside. I'd be telling her that it's a big decision and it would be good for her to talk to other gay parents, other young parents, IVF counsellors etc. etc.

I'd also lay a little low on the career stuff. She may feel pressured to 'do something' with her life and this is pushing her towards having a baby too.

I know how frustrating it is when they seem directionless - my 16-year-old DSD is exactly the same. Luckily, we have an energetic toddler too which I think has put her off having kids for life because she can see how much hard work they are.

[Nurse27]

Hey there,

Sounds like a complicated situation...

Something that your daughter may need to consider is what happens if their friendship sours?

I have a friend who used a gay friend to help her conceive, all went well and a baby boy was born. Things cruised along without trouble until suddenly the gay donor friend decided that he and his new partner wanted to be parents also, and the whole thing ended up in court with a custody battle, and a judgement for 50-50 parenting.

[Aspire]

Sounds like a complicated situation...

Something that your daughter may need to consider is what happens if their friendship sours? ......... and the whole thing ended up in court with a custody battle, and a judgement for 50-50 parenting.

Had not thought of that point - How to get her to realise this is the problem - 18 year olds seem to know everything and do not take advice too easily.

BTW - Hope your treatment is successful

[kitty_kat_48]

Hi there,
Hope you don't mind me adding my thoughts in.....sorry it's very late! You may have sorted everything out by now, hopefully
My experience was quite different but sort of similar at the same time...... I am 22 now, but when I was 18 I was desperate to have a baby, and had been wanting to have one since I was 14. I knew that that was what I wanted for my life & it was all I could think about all the time, and I started trying to get pregnant with a great male friend of mine, who is heterosexual (I am a lesbian). When my mum found out about it she was furious at first, but started to accept it after a while I suppose. I started going through a clinic to try & get pregnant not long after that, and she was very supportive of me doing that. I know she never thought it was a "good idea" so to speak, but I guess she worked out how to try & support me if that's what I really wanted. In hindsight I am so glad it never worked out because my mum died when I was 19, and I never would have been able to cope with her death if I was trying to look after a baby too. So as I said, very different circumstances to yours & your daughters, but still similar
And I absolutely understand what you mean about 18 year olds thinking they know everything & not taking advice..... I was exactly the same. I was one of the most horrible teenagers you could possibly get, because I was really depressed for years, but my mum was always there for me. I think she must have been an angel! hehe.
Anyway, I hope you & your daughter are able to sort something out, and I know I probably haven't helped you, but I wanted to try & say that I can understand how your daughter might be feeling, but I can also understand a little bit of how you must be feeling about it all, so good luck!
Jess

[Lulu]

Does it matter though? I think there are 2 things going on here - do you think you will be seen as unsupportive that she is gay if you don't agree to help her (or cheer her along - whatever) in this latest idea to have a baby?

Whats the rush for her? Have you asked? Has she any idea how she will support the child?

Welcome to Belly Belly by the way

Bloody hell, I was only just thinking that I'd be slightly lucky if my DD turns out to be a lady lover (it's looking a little bit that way ) cos I wouldn't have to worry about being a granny too early...aarrgh!

[Rouge]

I think her age really needs to be taken out of the equation, so does her sexuality. It's more about her life situation and where she is at. What is best for her as a person regardless of age. The only hindrance the age has is that unfortunately you are no longer able to have any control over the decisions she makes.

I would seriously recommend taking her to see a counsellor and see one yourself on how best to deal with your feelings and the situation overall.

[briggsy's girl]

i agree with Rouge - take her age and sexual preferences out of the equation and look at her life. being that it's her Dad posting, i can understand how this may be a lot more stressful. a dad approaching his daughter about having children at any time can be a bit of a mine field - even with her best interests at heart, she may throw back at him a lack of understanding of what it's like to have that mothering instinct and that undeniable need to fulfil it kwim?

i know how very hard it can be to go into counselling most of the time. try talking to her as an equal. an adult. NOT as a parent. she needs to know she is supported. she needs to know that you are going to be there for her. she is an adult. she might make decisions you don't agree with, but they are her decisions. perhaps talk to her about what she is planning on doing in regards to living situation, financial support etc.

i have a friend who had an oops pregnancy at 17, baby born at 18. her little girl is now 2, mum is working to support them, has purchased a house. she wasn't ready to study. she was a party girl all the way. but having her baby has made her grow up. her parents were there for her, but have made her take responsibility for her baby and her life. age doesn't make a parent. attitude does.

i agree it might be worth getting some counselling yourself to help you with how to talk to your DD about this. it's a big conversation to have and you need to know how to broach a lot of different fronts n this one - including her "crush" on her friend

[Lulu]

If it's not english to a martian, they are like lawyers in a compo case

I'd just seperate it out - it's not the gay thing darling, if you are not mature enough to see that there isn't much to say.....

Feeling for you xoxo

[Shades]

Is it possible to bargain with her?? Maybe let her know that if she completes her course at uni (I'm guessing this will take another year or two) then you will help her financially do it through a clinic and give her all the help she'd need... But if she goes ahead and does it now then you won't provide more than emergency accommodation? Just as an example, obviously you'd need to figure out your own terms...
I'd be concerned that she wants to create some permanent 'ties' between her and this friend, to keep him near.
Can you find pamphlets or info somewhere on drug use and parenting, leave them where she'll find them and maybe she'd re-think the co-parenting idea (not actually such an outlandish concept by the way).
Also, you mentioned 'catching her out' a few times about where she's been... I'm wondering why it is that she feels the need to hide her activities... Perhaps she feels like you disapprove of them (which you may well do) but if you try to react less she may hide less and at least you'd maybe have some openness?
Just some thoughts (from a single lesbian mum who asked a gay male friend to donate and he refused so she went elsewhere LOL)

[Aspire]

do you think you will be seen as unsupportive that she is gay if you don't agree to help her

Hit the nail on the head - any advice given contrary to her opinion is seen as not supporting her gay feelings

Whats the rush for her? Have you asked? Has she any idea how she will support the child?

You and I would naturally think of this but trying to speak logically to an 18 year old seems like trying to speak english to a martian sometimes. Been through this type of confusion with two older daughters (though their problems seemed slightly smaller in comparison)