On the other side...a friend's debrief.
A very sad day
A little angel entered Heaven yesterday. God had another purpose for her.
Her name is Zara Lily.
She looked just like her sister. Born at 38 wks weighing 3.92kg and was 52cm in length.
My heart has broken for my gorgeous friend and her husband and I just want to take their pain away :cry:
I found out by text. Yesterday at lunchtime. I cried and cried in my classroom. Not knowing what to do. I started walking around pacing quickly. Not knowing how to respond to the msg or what to do. What was right, What was wrong.
Do I call? Do I msg? What is right to say? What is wrong to say? How to help? How not to be intrusive? Wondering if there are really any right answers to these questions? Life just seemed to stop.
I was able to go home early from work as the teacher next door to me walked in and I was a mess. She covered my class for me as the children started streaming in from lunch. I tried to hide my face from them as I didnt want them to see me upset. It didnt work as one of the little boys in my class said to the teacher I job share with, "Miss... had to go home because she had red eyes and was sad". Bless his heart.
I came home a mess. DP had just found out as well and was there waiting for me. We both cried for our friends and little Zara and held each other. He then had to go to work. DD was in childcare and I had a splitting headache from crying so much so had a shower and thought BB was the best place for me to get some support. My lovely friends in my BB thread were so helpful. ( :grouphug: to the lovely Olive, Shellbelle3, Nai, Kaz, Pinny-mum, Lilima, Heaven, OceanPrincess & Ellie)
I sent my gf a few txt msgs of support. BB has taught me so much on how to be supportive in these tragic circumstances. I made sure to congratulate her on the birth of her baby girl and told her how sorry I was and that I would love to meet her if she would like visitors. I told her I would support her in any way I could. I told her that I was sure her beautiful girl had the most beautiful wings and that she would be so greatly missed and deeply loved. I meant each and every word. I sent her these messages and wondered whether I was right or wrong to do so. Would it make her more upset? Would it make her feel loved? You would think I would know my best friend but no one can really know how anyone will react or cope under these circumstances.
I had a present ready to go (weeks before the baby was due as I was so excited). I had even written on the card the night before when she told me she was in labour and told me what they were going to name her). I felt like an idiot for doing so. I decided I would go the shops and get some flowers from the florist and find a more appropriate gift for little Zara and her parents. I found a gorgeous butterfly ornament.It could be hung in a window or put in a drawer. It had the simple word 'Daughter' engraved on it. I found the most beautiful candle I could find for her to light and think about Zara if she needed or wanted to. I found a card. A blank card. It took a long time to find the words to write but I managed to add in both sadness and beauty through words.
I drove to the hospital. As Olive reassured me, if she didnt want visitors, the midwives wouldnt allow it and I could just leave the flowers and gifts for her.
They said she had just left.
I decided to go home, pick up DD from CC and just give them space. Maybe I was being to intrusive.
She called me later that night. We chatted for close to an hour. She said my msgs to her meant the world. She said they weren't 'empty messages' like some that she had received. We cried on the phone, we laughed on the phone. I just wanted to wrap my arms around my dear friend. She kept saying to me. 'I always need to fix things and I can't fix this, I dont know how to fix this.' My heart just continued to break for her. She told me how she was worried about how her DH and her family were. My heart was breaking for them but even more for her as she was worried about everyone else. Maybe that is a coping mechanism for her.
She had another friend minding her DD and staying the night with them so I was pleased they had someone to help look after her as bf was in no way to cope with that and still in a lot of pain emotionally and physically.
I asked if she would like me to come round today and she said she would love that.
The Day After
I was so happy I could be there for her. I had DD in childcare. So cooked up a stack of meals this morning and put them in portioned containers to take round. I bought some of her favourite chocolates and some other goodies and went round. I stacked the fridge and freezer and just went and sat with her.
It was just awful seeing her go through so much pain speaking to the funeral place and organising Friday's service.
Her DH came in and I gave them Zara's gift and we all cried. I felt bad for making them cry again but they assured me that they were so grateful for the support. I told hem they didnt need to thank me as I love them so much and would do anything for them.
And then there were the forms. Filling in a birth certificate and those blasted forms from Family Assistance. They give you bereavement forms but it still has words like babybonus and immunisation payment, etc and thousands of pages to fill out. And they are just so confusing. Why cant it be simple for them? Like they need to think about income and crap like that right now. I filled out as much as what I could for her so she didnt have to as they are just awful but have to be done. They have had to withdraw money from their mortgage to cover costs at the moment. We picked which commemorative birth certificate to get. It had to be a special one for her.
We then went upstairs altogether and into the baby's room to pick out the outfit she would be buried in. My Gf wanted us with her to go up there. She broke down in tears as she was going through the top drawer to find some booties that matched the outfit perfectly. The soft toy that she chose for her to have in the tiny coffin is gorgeous. So soft. So cuddly. So much beauty. So much sadness. More tears were released.
She needed to rest so I did some washing for her and let her sleep.
Tomorrow they are going to the hospital to see their baby girl. An autopsy was being done today so bf was asking afraid of what she might look like. She asked me if she will be a funny colour. I assured her that the hospital will make her look beautiful just as she is. I am minding their little girl for them tomorrow so they can have that time uninterrupted with her.
I am wondering what else I can do for them. Would it be okay do you think if I found some poems for her and gave them to her? Is there anything I shouldn't do?
Everything feels like a blur right now. My head hurts and my heart is broken but I really want to be able to lift my friends up and support them in this time when they do not have the strength to do it themselves.
Life can be very cruel sometimes. :cry:
RIP beautiful Zara Lily
May your wings reflect your beauty and may the love that your parents, family and friends have for you shine through your halo. xoxo
