Have you experienced this with another woman ??

Hi all,

This is some background to the story to get an idea (so sorry it's a long one) - DP & i moved to the town we are now in 5years ago without knowing a sole here ... months later we finally after years of TTC fell pregnant. We met a couple in our antenatal class whom we got to know a few months after our DD's were born at a hospital get together. The husband kindly suggested if we would like to catch up for a coffee sometime so from there this woman & i would catch up at cafes with our babies. Even though i didn't have much in common with her it was great to know someone and for me not to feel so lonely. I found i was making the effort to visit her home but she never really mine (she has visited me 3 times in 4years other than my DD's yearly b'day party).

Our DD's became best friends and she and i not so much as i personally felt we never clicked in any way. I was happy to keep the relationship at arms length but she would still ring my regularly.

Fast forward a couple of years and they decided to TTC for a second baby via IVF when their DD was 3.5 (she was IVF baby, who they fell preg 1st go), she was never there for me in a supportive way while we had already been TTC for second bub since our DD was 1year old and she never asked me a thing with what we were going through.

Anyway, their 1st go at IVF didn't take (it was a frozen egg from years before) then she fell pregnant on their second IVF round. So here was i supportive of her through getting pregnant then now become supportive of her through her now embarking on her pregnancy.

From the moment she found out she was pregnant she has said and done the following to me : first time visiting us when they found they were pregnant (only 2-3weeks) she bragged to me about how she is already fitting into her matenity jeans and showed me she was wearing them (mind you there was no bump). Then proceeded to rub her stomach the entire visited. But it didn't stop there she rubbed her pregnant belly every given moment when she saw me, even looking out the corner of her eye to see if i'm looking.

Then she found out she was having twins and clearly her & her DH were in shock even though they themselves chose to put in two eggs. So they whinged to my DP & i in how are they going to afford this now bigger family as the DH chooses to work only part-time and not full-time work (my own DP works full time).

Well, then the next blow was i ran into her at a shopping centre and she tells me she found out the twins are both boys and she said to me looking sad that when she found out they were boys she cried all the way home. She looked at me for sympathy.

So here was me TTC for a good 3years and no 2nd baby at the age of 44, in which she clearly knew about and she knew that i & my DP were going through the emotional heartache of trying to accpet that we will not be able to have another baby let alone a sibling for our beautiful DD. She was 33 when pregnant within only a few months in trying TTC and she found it within herself to whinge to me of all people about being pregnant, her disappointment in they being both boys, and how are they going to afford it. Then there was the stories she would tell me for example she told me once on the phone how she was in a shop and she & her DD had this lovely conversation about how they could hear a baby crying in the shop and how they will hear a baby crying in their home soon, then she asked what i thought of that. WTF i thought i just wanted to bawl my eyes out looking at my own DD playing on her own and realising i will never have that same converstation with my DD.

I told my DP one of my concerns when she was pregnant i didn't want her to feel she's walking on eggs shells around me and to enjoy evey bit of this pregnancy. I was always happy and i clearly showed that to her, luckily i can remove my own feeling and be incredibly happy for others.

So to get to my point the past 10mths (babies were born few weeks ago) she rings me about 90% of the time (which i was hoping she would realise i'm over the friendship, if you can call it that) and not once in the past 10mths has she asked me a single question about myself or not even my own DD. Nothing, zippo ... not even how are you, what did you do on the weekend or how is **** (my DD). Every conversation in the past 10mths has been about her, the pregnancy and the babies. In the meantime i've had surgery in which she never rang me before or after, not once asked how i was. I was seriously ill for 3mths after surgery having tests which i told her but again she never asked me a single question. I even ran into one day and very ill looking and i mentioned i just had my millionth test and rather than she asked me anything she proceed to rub her pregnant belly and tell me she is going to the OB that arvo for a regular checkup.


I said to my DP i can't work out why she keeps contact with me because if someone can't ask a single question to you of all those 10mths then clearly they have zero interest in you or your DD (as she doesn't ask about her either). I even tested her on a couple occasions saying i had tests for something quite serious (which in all honesty i did for cancer) but yet she just went right into talking about herself or the babies.

My guess is i'm feeding her ego in when we talk i'm asking about her and she never of me. She only has one friend in town whom seems odd, so i'm guessing i'm just a number IYKWIM.

This is so far removed from the sort of person i am because i would just blow someone off like that quickly but the hard part is even though our town is large it still is small enough to run into often.

My DP also feels the same and wants nothing to do with her. I mean why have something to do with someone when they don't have an interest in you.

I wanted to do it earlier but DP & i agreed it's too cruel to do it when she only gave birth weeks ago. So DP & i have decided to not make contact anymore as there is nothing in it for us, and if anything it's insulting to us (but sadly her DH is lovely and i don't think he gets whats happening).

I feel for my DD as their DD is her best friend since being babies, but i know she will be fine.

So ladies if you got this far you need a medal :clap:

Anyway, as my thread question asks - Have you ever experienced this with a woman and what did you do or what was the outcome ? :think:

Thanks heaps for any replies :D

:hug:

No experiences, but i didn't want to read and run.

Sorry Smiles, Ive always read your posts and found you have always been so kind hearted and selfless in every post. I think this woman doesnt deserve you and is not a true friend and expects a one way relationship (ie using you as a punching bag when required).

You shouldnt have to bare her weight on your shoulders. :hug:

I didnt want to read and run..

I havent experienced this. Just wanted to offer you huge :hug:

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:hug:

No experiences, but i didn't want to read and run.

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... aww thanks Arc ;), for taking the time to pop by ... yeh i would understand if i didn't get many replies as it is a long one and most likely a tad boring to read but was hoping i could get some ideas on what to do and if this is as odd as it seems as i have never experiennced this with anyone in my life !!

Thx so much M21 that's so lovely to say :D ... yeh i guess at my age especially i have ran into toxic people as i call 'em and usually i run the other way, but with this particular woman i did see issues in the beginning even they were small ones but i really didn't see this crappy side of her until she became pregnant, again it goes to show you don't always know people as well as you would like to think you do.

Ret thanks for the hug ;) xOx

Aw, Lorelle, that sucks.
I really wish you could let her know how you feel, like there was some way you could sit her down and say this is how it is, this is how you treat me, and this is not what I want from my friendships, rather than just walking away.
Could you maybe send her an email or something? She may just be unaware.
You deserve to be around people who treat you with as much kindness and consideration as you show them, it's not a lot to ask.

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Aw, Lorelle, that sucks.
I really wish you could let her know how you feel, like there was some way you could sit her down and say this is how it is, this is how you treat me, and this is not what I want from my friendships, rather than just walking away.
Could you maybe send her an email or something? She may just be unaware.
You deserve to be around people who treat you with as much kindness and consideration as you show them, it's not a lot to ask.

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... you so read my mind Lara ;), as i was thinking she really needs to know what she has done wrong and why i don't wanna know her anymore but i feel it's gone so far and for so long and that she has chosen upon herself to make the decision in doing what she did/and is doing i truly don't feel she deserves it and i guess too i don't have an ounce of energy in me to feel i owe it to her after the fab supportive friend i have been to her.
Might sound strange to say but i feel as i get older i like to reserve my energy for better things and find it better within myself to just step away from certain people.

Hugs hun - sounds like a really tough situation!
I personally haven't met anyone like this woman but I'd be inclined to just withdraw from her. Maybe not the best way to handle it but that's just me. It would be better if you could somehow have a chat with her & explain how you feel if you're going to run into her regularly, could be quite awkward!

Have experienced this, but will BBL to reply

Aww Smiles, i couldn't read and not post :hug: - i can't say ive dealt with anything like this, but i know i probably wouldn't be as kindhearted as you are :redface:

I dont have any words of wisdom, just big :hug: because you, of all ppl deserve, that at the VERY least :D

smiles - you are an amazing woman and I can't wait to get to know you better :)

As for this "friend", I've got no idea, I've not had to deal with somebody like that in my life, but I couldn't just read this and not say anything :hug:

She seems kinda sad and very much wrapped up in herself. You do seem like a very kind and giving person and definitely deserve some reciprocity in your friendships.

I don't have experience with this as such, but I know in the past I have been a bit like this - not really making an effort, not really showing an interest in others (although, never quite to this extent, I'd have asked about surgery at the very least!). But anyway, though it was hard to hear at the time, I am very grateful to the friend who told me this. I have changed a lot and made more of an effort. I'm not naturally the caring, thoughtful person that you seem to be, but I apreciate those qualities in other people very much and don't want to be a selfish, oblivious person.
So anyway, regardless of whether there's a future in your friendship (and maybe there isn't) you'd be doing her a favour to tell her all this.

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Hugs hun - sounds like a really tough situation!
I personally haven't met anyone like this woman but I'd be inclined to just withdraw from her. Maybe not the best way to handle it but that's just me. It would be better if you could somehow have a chat with her & explain how you feel if you're going to run into her regularly, could be quite awkward!

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... yeh CM you hit it spot on, it's one of my concerns if i withdrawal then run into her in town then it's gonna be awkward for me (& even my DP) but then i thought if i explained it to her i still want nothing to do with her so it still will be awkward, infact i don't want it to turn into an arguement, etc which i feel if i do talk to her it could very well run the risk of a heated arguement ... and also i couldn't bring myself to dump that on her when she has two newborns and enough to worry about. DP said he think it's best to just try ' fizzle ' it out, like no more ringing or stretch the phone calls apart which i've already tried but she still rings.
It's just gonna be awkward either way i do it.
I think what i'm really hoping for is she no longer contacts me and gets bored with me or something or even use to me being absence or non interest in her (as she has made me not interested in her as a person now, to be honest DP & i have both said we both have 'always' found her rather boring, she lacks in contributing to an interesting conversation)!!

I think you've done the right thing in wanting to end the friendship, even though you know your DD is losing a friend too :hug: It's probably just best to withdraw without drawing attention to the fact you are doing it. I guess you could ask yourself would it change the outcome if you did let her know? Would you still end the friendship, comfortable in the knowledge that she knows and leave it at that or would you reconsider if she was able to take it on board and make it clear she would work on the friendship more?

ETA - Snap! the phonecalls will be tricky, especially as she is the one calling you all the time. Maybe just tell her when she calls that you can't chat now, you are about to head out etc and just not call her back?

The only time I have experienced anything like that, usually lack of contact has been enough for the 'friendship' to peater (sp?) out.

:hug:

Smiles :hug: I'm sorry that she is doing this to you. You are such a kind and lovely person and don't deserve it. I hope that you can get some distance between you and her in the most peaceful way possible and I hope she lets you go without a fight. I don't think confrontation is necessarily going to help anything in this situation. Even if you did say something to her about it, I think she might just turn herself into a victim. If you are living in the same small town with kids the same age there is a good chance that you will have something to do with her in the future so if you can part ways without a fuss it would be the best option. I hope that if you ever have to interact with her again that she may have matured a little bit and is able to reciprocate a friendship.

Hi Smiles4you,

I've been in similer situations, I too have moved to a country town, I didn't know anyone (my husband is a local though) anyway I also found it tough. I think this so called friend of yours is really no friend at all. (sorry hope that wasn't too blunt) as you have realised she is just using you to make herself feel better. I mean what sort of friend doesn't ring and ask how you are after having an operation.

I won't go into my details but I think that you have done the right thing by ending the friendship as she doesn't give anything back. I don't know you but from what I have read you are a lovely person and a loyal friend to have put up with her for as long as you have. If you have caller ID I would let majority of her calls go through to the answering machine.

I wish I lived a bit closer to you as I would be more than happy to catch up for coffee. I do go to Ballarat occasionally but it is mainly to get a Myer and Target fix.

Is your DD starting kinder next year, if she is hopefully it will open you up to a new social circle of people.

Hugs hun couldn't read and not reply. Sorry never had someone like that, hope you can get her to get the msg soon.

You are such a beautiful person.

xoxo

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Smiles :hug: I'm sorry that she is doing this to you. You are such a kind and lovely person and don't deserve it. I hope that you can get some distance between you and her in the most peaceful way possible and I hope she lets you go without a fight. I don't think confrontation is necessarily going to help anything in this situation. Even if you did say something to her about it, I think she might just turn herself into a victim. If you are living in the same small town with kids the same age there is a good chance that you will have something to do with her in the future so if you can part ways without a fuss it would be the best option. I hope that if you ever have to interact with her again that she may have matured a little bit and is able to reciprocate a friendship.

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JM i thought the same thing she may make herself look like the victim, and yes by telling her i can't see it being a pleasant outcome i mean how could it. If someone told me something so negative about myself and then added they want nothing to do with me i would be a horrible blow, i think natural instinct anyone would do what they could to defend themself. Also it's possible which ever way it come out it could feel like an attack.

I have never been able to call her a friend or introduce her to someone as a friend and i've always been aware of that so i guess by my still doing it after all these years the alarm bells were going off, that something wasn't sitting right.

DP & i both agreed a long time ago that she has a problem with lying as we have caught her out to tell us some whoopers, so right there that was off putting. My DP has always said he feels she has some underlying self esteem issues and i have picked up on that. And a few times she has tried to make feel crap about something for her own gain so right then i knew there wouldn't be a friendship as such.

Megs yeh my DD started 3year old Kinder last year but sadly the group of Mum's are not so friendly ... maybe her 4year old Kinder next year will bring in a new group of Mum's to meet.

:D As for now i do have two really lovely kind Mum's whom i regard as good friends (not ones i go out night time socialising with but at least i know their there if i need help), we help each other out and share our kids clothes, etc and always show genuine concern for each other and ask advice of each other too, ... one even made me soup and dropped it off after i had surgery - now that's what i call a friend :thumbsup:

I have a former friend like this..... everything was always about her and only her and it took me a while to realise it... just like you. When I did realise it, it was at a time of personal crisis for me. She made it all about her. I even gave her some more chances, but at every point, she made it about her. I just didn't see it before. The cincher was when I hadn't spoken to her for some time, just after the death of one of my babies, and she called me and said "have you heard from "x"? [ a person she had a crush on] and went on talking about her and her issues. I honestly felt the strength draining from my body, mind and soul. It got to the point where I was just crying and didn't even have the capacity to speak or put the phone down... thankfully she was so caught up in herself that she ended the call with something like , "I have to go now and call somone else". It was then I truly realised how toxic this person was to me. Before then I had felt a bit guilty about putting up a wall and thinking about ending the friendship. But not after that day.

I suppose it depends on your definition of friendship- but for me, it's a two way street and my former friend couldn't give that so I put a wall up and have let the friendship lapse. We used to have a sports team in common, but she dropped out. Thankgoodness as that was really akward. I too evaluated her other friendships and realised there were so few but there had also been a pattern of being "best friends" with people for about 2 years and then those friendships lapsing. I was just another one in that very long procession.

I too got support from my DH to let the friendship go.

This person sounds toxic and you have enough struggles in your life to put up with someone who doesn't respect you enough or have the empathy to care about you and your journey and ask about you. The sooner you ditch her, the better. I know it sounds harsh but you need to look out for you and your family. She will find another person to latch on to. Be strong and stick to your intentions - you need healthy and respectful friends.... you are too precious to have toxic friends.

I wanted to add - I read what Marcellus posted.... Marcellus you are amazing to have taken that criticism and acted on it. You have the luxury of a true friend and to be honest, I doubt you were like the "friend" in question here. Even though I believe in being forthright, I get the impression that this particular woman, will not understand, make it about her ( I read someone else say make herself the victim - too true) and the person that will be most upset is the person who shouldn't be.

I know it sounds awful to make that assumption and not even give the person a chance to respond... and I know I would want a chance to respond if someone felt this way about me. But if someone just dropped out of my life or put up some walls, I would ask them why. This other woman could always do that, but I doubt she will, as she will just latch on to someone else. These types of toxic people seem to know when to move on.

Yes, had some experience here. There's three possibilities as to why she does this. 1. She's self-centred and only thinks of herself.

2. It's a sign of her being really insecure. She needs you to validate her because she's unable to do it for herself and she's obviously not getting it somewhere else. The fact that she keeps ringing you looking for contact makes me think it's the later. She's trying to connect - desperately. If I read your post right, there is just over a ten year age gap, with you being older (if I'm wrong please correct me), but that could mean she's not seeing you as a peer but as a mentor/big-sister figure (basically she's given you a job - whether you wanted it or not). Have you thought that she might look up to you and that there is a power differential, and that it's not at "look at me" but seeking your approval or comfort type of situation?

3. She just hasn't thought about it. It's not deliberate but simply hasn't crossed her mind as being an issue, and unless you say something, how is she meant to know? She could have a little bit of trouble picking up on social cues, or the one's you are giving off are outside the realm of her experience so she doesn't know how to interpret them, and might just think they're your behavioural ticks rather than a response to her behaviour.

Have you tried being honest? That doesn't mean being cruel, but just calmly saying, "I'd like to be friends, but that would require you taking an interest in me and my life some times by asking, so there is a mutual exchange. Do you think we could do that?" It really is that simple. Her response to that will show what that relationship is really made of. If it's got merit, she'll acknowledge it and work on it with you. I do have to be honest with you though, from what you're written about the situation, it appears to me that you had expectations that you haven't been upfront with, and then have had a passive aggressive response when they haven't been met, rather than just coming out and saying it (even in the nicest possible way). You can't have a real friendship without honesty, so the fact it never really went anywhere can't really be all her fault. You were looking for something, and she was looking for something, and unless you actually say what it is you are actually looking for in that person it's like a game of pin the tail on the donkey. If you click it in the right spot, it's only because of luck. If you want to make sure you get it right, you got to take the blindfold off. There's a saying, unmet expectations are the quickest way of building resentments. And I think that's what has happened here.

That being said, there are worse *friendships*. She could have been the type of person to ask you about your life but didn't really care, and only asked so she could lead into a story about herself. I call them the "that happened to me but usually worse" *friend* and I find those type of people far more annoying than one that doesn't think to ask but feels comfortable enough with me to just talk and allows me to talk in the same way. It sounds like you volunteer information and that she might think she doesn't need to ask because she expects you just to tell her in the same way she just tells you, but then I'm not in the situation, so it's only conjecture.

I think maybe I was being a bit overly generous thinking she was just oblivious.
She isn't your friend and never was - you said so yourself.

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Yes, had some experience here. There's three possibilities as to why she does this. 1. She's self-centred and only thinks of herself.

2. It's a sign of her being really insecure. She needs you to validate her because she's unable to do it for herself and she's obviously not getting it somewhere else. The fact that she keeps ringing you looking for contact makes me think it's the later. She's trying to connect - desperately. If I read your post right, there is just over a ten year age gap, with you being older (if I'm wrong please correct me), but that could mean she's not seeing you as a peer but as a mentor/big-sister figure (basically she's given you a job - whether you wanted it or not). Have you thought that she might look up to you and that there is a power differential, and that it's not at "look at me" but seeking your approval or comfort type of situation?

3. She just hasn't thought about it. It's not deliberate but simply hasn't crossed her mind as being an issue, and unless you say something, how is she meant to know? She could have a little bit of trouble picking up on social cues, or the one's you are giving off are outside the realm of her experience so she doesn't know how to interpret them, and might just think they're your behavioural ticks rather than a response to her behaviour.

Have you tried being honest? That doesn't mean being cruel, but just calmly saying, "I'd like to be friends, but that would require you taking an interest in me and my life some times by asking, so there is a mutual exchange. Do you think we could do that?" It really is that simple. Her response to that will show what that relationship is really made of. If it's got merit, she'll acknowledge it and work on it with you. I do have to be honest with you though, from what you're written about the situation, it appears to me that you had expectations that you haven't been upfront with, and then have had a passive aggressive response when they haven't been met, rather than just coming out and saying it (even in the nicest possible way). You can't have a real friendship without honesty, so the fact it never really went anywhere can't really be all her fault. You were looking for something, and she was looking for something, and unless you actually say what it is you are actually looking for in that person it's like a game of pin the tail on the donkey. If you click it in the right spot, it's only because of luck. If you want to make sure you get it right, you got to take the blindfold off. There's a saying, unmet expectations are the quickest way of building resentments. And I think that's what has happened here.

That being said, there are worse *friendships*. She could have been the type of person to ask you about your life but didn't really care, and only asked so she could lead into a story about herself. I call them the "that happened to me but usually worse" *friend* and I find those type of people far more annoying than one that doesn't think to ask but feels comfortable enough with me to just talk and allows me to talk in the same way. It sounds like you volunteer information and that she might think she doesn't need to ask because she expects you just to tell her in the same way she just tells you, but then I'm not in the situation, so it's only conjecture.

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Yeddi yep your right there, as my DP keeps telling me he reckons she is insecure and clearly became self centred when pregnant or was like that before but we didn't pick up on it to the extreme it has now become. And yes, yes, yes just what you said Yeddi (thanks for pointing that out) about volunteering information and she most likely feels she doesn't need to ask cause i will bring something up anyway to basically get off the entire topic of her & babies (but when i saw her IRL it was clear she wasn't listening), funny thing it took me awhile to work that out then i stopped totally about talking anything about myself or DD months ago and that then confirmed to me she purely has no interest in us.
I get what you mean by the age gap thing (yes it's 10years) but it's definately no she doesn't connect with me that way, her own DH is 23years older than her. (my DP is same age as her). So she connects to older people on the same wave length if that makes sense !

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I think maybe I was being a bit overly generous thinking she was just oblivious.
She isn't your friend and never was - you said so yourself.

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thanks heaps Marcellus :hug:, yeh sad but true not friend material, well not in my books either !

:hug: I have no advice. But I do think a true friend brings out the best in someone and makes them feel good about themselves and smile!

If this lady doesn't tick these boxes and makes you feel worse, well then, she doesn't deserve the amazing friend you are :hug:

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But I do think a true friend brings out the best in someone and makes them feel good about themselves and smile!

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so true Kass :hug:, that's the bottom line isn't it ... if someone makes you feel like crap (not to mention over & over again) well no point in having them in your life !