Have you experienced this with another woman ??

[Arcadia]

No experiences, but i didn't want to read and run.

[Mum2SweetCs]

Sorry Smiles, Ive always read your posts and found you have always been so kind hearted and selfless in every post. I think this woman doesnt deserve you and is not a true friend and expects a one way relationship (ie using you as a punching bag when required).

You shouldnt have to bare her weight on your shoulders.

[retrogal]

I didnt want to read and run..

I havent experienced this. Just wanted to offer you huge

[smiles4u]

No experiences, but i didn't want to read and run.

... aww thanks Arc , for taking the time to pop by ... yeh i would understand if i didn't get many replies as it is a long one and most likely a tad boring to read but was hoping i could get some ideas on what to do and if this is as odd as it seems as i have never experiennced this with anyone in my life !!

Thx so much M21 that's so lovely to say ... yeh i guess at my age especially i have ran into toxic people as i call 'em and usually i run the other way, but with this particular woman i did see issues in the beginning even they were small ones but i really didn't see this crappy side of her until she became pregnant, again it goes to show you don't always know people as well as you would like to think you do.

Ret thanks for the hug xOx

[Sopdet]

smiles - you are an amazing woman and I can't wait to get to know you better

As for this "friend", I've got no idea, I've not had to deal with somebody like that in my life, but I couldn't just read this and not say anything

[Trillian]

I think you've done the right thing in wanting to end the friendship, even though you know your DD is losing a friend too It's probably just best to withdraw without drawing attention to the fact you are doing it. I guess you could ask yourself would it change the outcome if you did let her know? Would you still end the friendship, comfortable in the knowledge that she knows and leave it at that or would you reconsider if she was able to take it on board and make it clear she would work on the friendship more?

ETA - Snap! the phonecalls will be tricky, especially as she is the one calling you all the time. Maybe just tell her when she calls that you can't chat now, you are about to head out etc and just not call her back?

[megs]

Hi Smiles4you,

I've been in similer situations, I too have moved to a country town, I didn't know anyone (my husband is a local though) anyway I also found it tough. I think this so called friend of yours is really no friend at all. (sorry hope that wasn't too blunt) as you have realised she is just using you to make herself feel better. I mean what sort of friend doesn't ring and ask how you are after having an operation.

I won't go into my details but I think that you have done the right thing by ending the friendship as she doesn't give anything back. I don't know you but from what I have read you are a lovely person and a loyal friend to have put up with her for as long as you have. If you have caller ID I would let majority of her calls go through to the answering machine.

I wish I lived a bit closer to you as I would be more than happy to catch up for coffee. I do go to Ballarat occasionally but it is mainly to get a Myer and Target fix.

Is your DD starting kinder next year, if she is hopefully it will open you up to a new social circle of people.

[feeb]

Hugs hun couldn't read and not reply. Sorry never had someone like that, hope you can get her to get the msg soon.

You are such a beautiful person.

xoxo

[Kazmar]

I have no advice. But I do think a true friend brings out the best in someone and makes them feel good about themselves and smile!

If this lady doesn't tick these boxes and makes you feel worse, well then, she doesn't deserve the amazing friend you are

[smiles4u]

But I do think a true friend brings out the best in someone and makes them feel good about themselves and smile!

so true Kass , that's the bottom line isn't it ... if someone makes you feel like crap (not to mention over & over again) well no point in having them in your life !

[Yeddi]

Yes, had some experience here. There's three possibilities as to why she does this. 1. She's self-centred and only thinks of herself.

2. It's a sign of her being really insecure. She needs you to validate her because she's unable to do it for herself and she's obviously not getting it somewhere else. The fact that she keeps ringing you looking for contact makes me think it's the later. She's trying to connect - desperately. If I read your post right, there is just over a ten year age gap, with you being older (if I'm wrong please correct me), but that could mean she's not seeing you as a peer but as a mentor/big-sister figure (basically she's given you a job - whether you wanted it or not). Have you thought that she might look up to you and that there is a power differential, and that it's not at "look at me" but seeking your approval or comfort type of situation?

3. She just hasn't thought about it. It's not deliberate but simply hasn't crossed her mind as being an issue, and unless you say something, how is she meant to know? She could have a little bit of trouble picking up on social cues, or the one's you are giving off are outside the realm of her experience so she doesn't know how to interpret them, and might just think they're your behavioural ticks rather than a response to her behaviour.

Have you tried being honest? That doesn't mean being cruel, but just calmly saying, "I'd like to be friends, but that would require you taking an interest in me and my life some times by asking, so there is a mutual exchange. Do you think we could do that?" It really is that simple. Her response to that will show what that relationship is really made of. If it's got merit, she'll acknowledge it and work on it with you. I do have to be honest with you though, from what you're written about the situation, it appears to me that you had expectations that you haven't been upfront with, and then have had a passive aggressive response when they haven't been met, rather than just coming out and saying it (even in the nicest possible way). You can't have a real friendship without honesty, so the fact it never really went anywhere can't really be all her fault. You were looking for something, and she was looking for something, and unless you actually say what it is you are actually looking for in that person it's like a game of pin the tail on the donkey. If you click it in the right spot, it's only because of luck. If you want to make sure you get it right, you got to take the blindfold off. There's a saying, unmet expectations are the quickest way of building resentments. And I think that's what has happened here.

That being said, there are worse *friendships*. She could have been the type of person to ask you about your life but didn't really care, and only asked so she could lead into a story about herself. I call them the "that happened to me but usually worse" *friend* and I find those type of people far more annoying than one that doesn't think to ask but feels comfortable enough with me to just talk and allows me to talk in the same way. It sounds like you volunteer information and that she might think she doesn't need to ask because she expects you just to tell her in the same way she just tells you, but then I'm not in the situation, so it's only conjecture.

[smiles4u]

Yes, had some experience here. There's three possibilities as to why she does this. 1. She's self-centred and only thinks of herself.

2. It's a sign of her being really insecure. She needs you to validate her because she's unable to do it for herself and she's obviously not getting it somewhere else. The fact that she keeps ringing you looking for contact makes me think it's the later. She's trying to connect - desperately. If I read your post right, there is just over a ten year age gap, with you being older (if I'm wrong please correct me), but that could mean she's not seeing you as a peer but as a mentor/big-sister figure (basically she's given you a job - whether you wanted it or not). Have you thought that she might look up to you and that there is a power differential, and that it's not at "look at me" but seeking your approval or comfort type of situation?

3. She just hasn't thought about it. It's not deliberate but simply hasn't crossed her mind as being an issue, and unless you say something, how is she meant to know? She could have a little bit of trouble picking up on social cues, or the one's you are giving off are outside the realm of her experience so she doesn't know how to interpret them, and might just think they're your behavioural ticks rather than a response to her behaviour.

Have you tried being honest? That doesn't mean being cruel, but just calmly saying, "I'd like to be friends, but that would require you taking an interest in me and my life some times by asking, so there is a mutual exchange. Do you think we could do that?" It really is that simple. Her response to that will show what that relationship is really made of. If it's got merit, she'll acknowledge it and work on it with you. I do have to be honest with you though, from what you're written about the situation, it appears to me that you had expectations that you haven't been upfront with, and then have had a passive aggressive response when they haven't been met, rather than just coming out and saying it (even in the nicest possible way). You can't have a real friendship without honesty, so the fact it never really went anywhere can't really be all her fault. You were looking for something, and she was looking for something, and unless you actually say what it is you are actually looking for in that person it's like a game of pin the tail on the donkey. If you click it in the right spot, it's only because of luck. If you want to make sure you get it right, you got to take the blindfold off. There's a saying, unmet expectations are the quickest way of building resentments. And I think that's what has happened here.

That being said, there are worse *friendships*. She could have been the type of person to ask you about your life but didn't really care, and only asked so she could lead into a story about herself. I call them the "that happened to me but usually worse" *friend* and I find those type of people far more annoying than one that doesn't think to ask but feels comfortable enough with me to just talk and allows me to talk in the same way. It sounds like you volunteer information and that she might think she doesn't need to ask because she expects you just to tell her in the same way she just tells you, but then I'm not in the situation, so it's only conjecture.

Yeddi yep your right there, as my DP keeps telling me he reckons she is insecure and clearly became self centred when pregnant or was like that before but we didn't pick up on it to the extreme it has now become. And yes, yes, yes just what you said Yeddi (thanks for pointing that out) about volunteering information and she most likely feels she doesn't need to ask cause i will bring something up anyway to basically get off the entire topic of her & babies (but when i saw her IRL it was clear she wasn't listening), funny thing it took me awhile to work that out then i stopped totally about talking anything about myself or DD months ago and that then confirmed to me she purely has no interest in us.
I get what you mean by the age gap thing (yes it's 10years) but it's definately no she doesn't connect with me that way, her own DH is 23years older than her. (my DP is same age as her). So she connects to older people on the same wave length if that makes sense !