Having a meltdown

Today I called the hospital because I want mine and my babies medical records.. Why? I have no idea.. Is it going to change anything? No.. But for some reason I feel like I need to.. Maybe its part of getting something else of the twins that I haven't got.. I don't know.. And to be honest I thought it would be harder to get.. All I have to do is put my request in writing and post it off with my ID and the boys birth certs certified by a JP and thats it.. I don't even have to pay..

I have been having a REALLY tough couple of weeks.. I wrote a post about it in here and lost it :( Anyway I had a bit of a meltdown this morning.. I cried harder than I have for a while.. You know that cry that comes right from deep in your gut, and you are actually in physical pain. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again.. Why is it nearly 2 yrs on I feel like I am back to the early days.. I am not coping without my son's.. I miss them and hate that they were taken away from me.. IT"S NOT FAIR!! :(

:hug: I hope getting your hospital records helps in some way. I think 'anniversaries' of events are always the hardest part, I guess it brings out some pretty strong memories and emotions that get pushed to the side or dimmed down between the anniversaries ITMS. Hope you're ok hun, remember we're here at any time to help you through this :hug:

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:hug: hun, i don't know the pain your going through but i couldn't read and not reply.

I know it's not what you want to hear but my mum lost my brother when he was 4mths old, he would have been 22 this yr and she still has days where she just can't bare the thought that he's not here with us.

Hoping the pain itself can ease but the memory of your boys stays strong forever.

:hug: its almost 8 years since my son passed away and i still get like that alot more than i care to admit, take whatever steps in whatever time you like hun, people find healing in the weirdest places and if a small part is healed by gaining those records then so be it.
Thinking of you xx

All my thoughts are with you. I know what you mean about the crying. It leaves you debilitated afterwards.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

Absolutely heartbreaking :hug:

Oh beautiful lady, im so so so sorry you are having such a tuff time :hug:
Please if there is anything i can do let me know! you know im only down the road.
coffee maybe, or you could come to mine one night and we could have some chocolate,wine and chat.

You have my number for a reason. :heartbeat:

i couldnt see this and not reply neither..

i hope getting these helps put abit of the pieces back together for u sometimes its all the littlest things that count... i hope u feel alot better soon and know im thinking of u

its not fair that u have to go through this its very sad wish i could help

:crying: you're right it's not fair :crying:
I don't know what to say, just that I hope you feel that you can come here anytime for support and know we will listen
thinking of you :hug: :hug: :hug:

No hun it's not fair at all :hug:.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13

I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling, but I wanted to send you some :hug:, even if they are only cyber ones

:hug: No words just lots of love beautiful :hug: xxxx

Darling :hug:

I was talking to DH about this just yesterday. He doesn't understand why I still get upset sometimes about our 3 bubs. He thinks that I'm not happy with him or our life together. I explained to him that our current life is fine - but it's not what SHOULD have been. If I hadn't had that first miscarriage, we would be parents now. So many things would be different. So, while this life is just fine, I'm happy with it...every now and then I just feel like I've been stabbed all over again, and all I can think of for a while is what our life SHOULD be right now. I don't think it'll go away until I get my babies back, it just makes up part of my overall 'flavour'. Is that how you're feeling darl?

:grouphug:

Thanks everyone for your support.. I tried to rep you all, but there were too many!! I love how I can vent away in here and get support and validation.. It's hard to not think you are losing the plot sometimes.. I am feeling better now, I have just cleaned my house in preparation for my Mum coming to visit from NSW, so i am going to have a good girly weekend with my Mummy :) I am going to write that letter and send it tomorrow so hopefully i will have the medical records next week.. I will still be on holidays from TAFE so will probably spend days in my PJ's pouring through them.. Maybe that's just what I need and the week after it will be back to the reality of functioning.. I am not looking forward to going back to the hospital for placement.. Even though it's different hospital, different ward, different everything, some of the processes are still the same, and I think that may have been a trigger for me having a hard time lately.. Plus that it is only a couple of months away til their birthday..

Anyway, thanks again for your support.. PM me if you didn't get repped and I will rep you.. I really appreciate the time taken by all of you to reply.. xx

:hug: :hug: Im glad your feeling a little better :hug: :hug: I hope you have a great weekend with your mummy :)

:hug: I'm sorry that you are having a rough time at the moment. I read and posted in the thread you lost. It was beautiful, and I wanted you to know that your words are special, not just rambles. We are all here for you whenever you need. I am so glad your mum is coming for the weekend. No one can look after us like our mums can.

Take care sweetheart xo

Hugs hun so sorry you feel this way, no advice just hugs and I hope the notes help you.

xoxo

I hope the records help in some way with the grieving process :hug:

:comfort: vent away tomorrow is 7 years since my little girl said goodbye and I still have days where I want to kick the walls scream the place down I think its all part of healing

I will think of you tomorrow for your baby's anniversary Rach75.. I hope she is up there looking after my little ones.. The only comfort I get is although it's awful, I imagine all the bubs playing in the stars together.. I wonder if my babies are now looking after someone elses baby. I hope so..

Oh honey while I dont know the pain youre going through my goodness I just want to reach through the screen and cuddle you. I hope having yet another part of their lives helps you my sweet and dont worry about justifying your reasons, you do what you need to for you and you sons, be it kick and scream, cry for hours, pour over records, whatever. These are your beautiful boys and whatever helps you is whats right.

I truly hope getting your records helps you :hug: make sure you ask all the questions you need, I have the records for my first born (30+1wks) and there are some really big scary words in there and google is not nice at all, it helps to talk to someone who understands the terms.

Anniversaries are the hardest :( Less than 2 months for the anniversary for my angel (17+1wks)

Thinking of you xx

thanks I always imagine Katy dancing in the clouds with all the other babies who were too perfect for this earth

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time atm. :hug::hug: I too hate that babies are taken from us. It is just not fair. And at times it is hard to believe we cant see our babies again - that is one thought that really gets me. I also got the medical records from my baby. I want them as a record of her short life. But reading them is a double edged sword - in one way it was painful to relieve it, then it can also be therapeutic in a way. I hope it helps you with your healing. I hope you have a good fun weekend with your mum.

:hug: there is no time limit for grief and while it may not feel like it you are moving forward. I think it is a good thing you are getting your records, it might open some old wounds but as others have said I think it is all part of the healing process.
Enjoy your weekend with your mum :hug: tell her and let her hold you too

Oh hun massive hugs :hug: No words enough to say how sorry I am that your beautiful boys couldn't stay, it's not fair.
If there's anything I can do let me know, I can give you my ears...
Enjoy your time with your mum :hug:

I got a letter today from the hospital legal services saying my request for the medical records is currently being processed and to be advised it can take 8-10 weeks.. Hmm, and it sounded so simple.. I wonder if I will get them around the boys anniversary.. Maybe?? I hope I get them before that though.. Not sure how I feel about waiting for so long :(

Oh that's a bummer blessed.... hopefully it will be sooner rather than later :hug:

Eurgh to waiting :( Fingers crossed it doesn't take too long :hug:

I hope they have told you the longest date thats usually the way, i hope they come fast hun..