How do you build up your self-worth?

Ok I'll admit it, I have self-worth issues. And I think thats the reason for my negativity pointed towards myself. Of course, my low self-esteem doesn't help, but I think my lack of faith in myself and what I can achieve stems from my non-existent self-worth. For example, I had a VBA2C - yay for me - but now its like, oh it was a fluke, no way could I do it again, it'll all go to crap because I can't do it. But if I was talking to a friend, I would be saying to them - hey you've done it once, your body knows what to do, of course you can do it. But I can't tell myself that, its not in me to say that to myself.

Of course I have issues stemming from my parent's divorce, my father wanting nothing to do with us, and even us moving to tassie to be closer to him hasn't made him want to be close to me. Or to my kids.

Not to mention all my past relationships, failed engagements, failed marriage - its all a part of it. My exH took away most of my self-worth and I know that, but I don't know how to get it back. I don't know how to build it back up when so many people have taken it from me. And yes, of course I know that I let them take it from me, I think I'm a weak person at heart, I let people use me because I think they are my friend, and it turns out that they're not, I let them walk over me because I just want people to like me (wow that was brutally honest).

Even with my friends I don't like to hound them too much or ask if I can hang around them because I'm sure they would get sick of me. Basically I don't think I'm very likable, and I'm pretty sure its all coming from the same place.

I don't like being like this. I'd like to get past my father rejecting me, my past boyfriends/husband rejecting me.

Even though I have a DH and we've been married for nearly 5 years - it still hasn't helped with my issues, and really, nor should it. DH shouldn't be responsible for building something up within myself - I have to do it, but I don't know how.

I just want to stop feeling like I don't matter, that I'm worth nothing and I definitely don't want to pass any of this onto my kids.

Any advice would be most welcome.

:crying:

OH Mel....you are a wonderful, beautiful, strong woman and ANYONE should feel privileged to be your friend. You always know what to say and are a fantastic mummy to nearly 4 beautiful kids!!!

I dont know what else to say to you my dear, you know what state of mind I am in today so I'm probably not going to be much help.

Just know that I think you are WONDERFUL and I admire you so much.

xoxox

:hug:

i'm not exactly miss self confidence but a few years ago i decided that i would make a conscious decision to learn to like/love myself. sounds kinda weird but we are most definitely our harshest judges & i think sometimes it needs to be a conscious decision to stop being so hard on ourselves. i figured if i made an effort to like myself, then other people would too.

it's an ongoing process & for me there are still so many niggling self-doubt issues but i think it's an important journey. you have to be open to it though. sometimes it's easier to stay full of self-doubt because then you never disappoint yourself - itms? because once you open yourself to the possibility that you are, actually, quite a cool & rewarding person to know (and from what i've seen of you online, i have NO doubt that you are!) then it kinda makes you vulnerable.

i think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy a bit in a way too - if you don't like much about yourself, it makes it harder for other people to see the fantastic person you are. but if you start to acknowledge the great things about yourself, then other people will see them too. maybe start by not putting yourself down to other people or yourself - so if someone says come over, i'd love to see you accept that at face value. they do want to see you & banish any little voices that start telling you things like they're just being polite etc.

make a list of things you've done well - the VBA2C should be way up there. and yes, you can do it again. it wasn't a fluke.

argh - am i making any sense at all? sorry, it's a bit all over the place.

Aww Mel, for starters you are one of the most likeable person that I've ever met and I hope that you can consider me as your friend, you are an inspiration to me in many ways, we are quite similar in lots of ways and you are the one I will be turning to when I go for baby number 2 and hopefully attempt a VBAC. Your advice and support has been phenomenal to me over the last 10 months, whether it be funny or serious, our little group wouldn't be the same without you. I understand how you feel, I haven't seen my father since I was 12 and I too was hurt very badly by my ex which stuffed around with my self esteem and as you know I still have some issues surrounding all that but we will get past it. Take a look at those gorgeous children of yours, they are a product of you and you should be very proud of yourself. You don't just MATTER, you MATTER to everyone and most importantly you matter to YOU whether you realise it or not. We love you mate, time to love yourself because it's what you deserve. xxxx

I don't know about "getting it back", maybe you should start again from the right here and right now.

Think about - and even write down the things that you love and like about yourself. If you feel doubt crawling in tell it to STFU for the moment whilst you do this. It can be anything, anything at all and as time goes on you will have more to add to the list and in this way I think your self-worth will grow. You can do a little "pump" or combat session on it every so often to build it up. After awhile you will get used to believing in yourself, rather than getting down on yourself.

Whatever you think truly about yourself the most, no one and no situation can take away from you. Because it will come from your core and that's a really hard place for things to affect.

Mel,

You're such an incredible, strong, inspiring woman - and I really do value our friendship.
You are so likeable... so easy to talk to. Never an effort. You're you. And you're just fab. :)

It makes me sad to think of you feeling so down about yourself :(
I think what you've done here is very brave, you've put it all on the table and put yourself in a vunerable position. You're going to have replies to this thread coming out of your ears, and I really do think that is a reflection of you and the beautiful friends you have made, and touched - all in such a postive way.

I think it would be great if you could begin a journal, similar to what Lulu mentioned. Write down the things that you love about yourself. Things that you are proud of. Happy memories. Happy thoughts. Then the days when you are down, you can read back on all the amazing things - and realise exactly how rockin' you are.

Love your guts Mel :hug: :hug:

I too have issewws but couldn't read and not give you these. :hug: :hug: I think you should add all the things people add to this thread to add to your list, I think you are strong, brave, tough, wickedly funny, loving and caring hun and I hope you can come to a place of accepting who you are and loving yourself for the good and the bad.

I too am taking baby steps but one thing that took me a very LOOONNNNGGG time was not depending on DH for my own sense of acceptance and self-worth. I realised I COULD live without him (I was always one of those people who had one BF after another because I coudn't be alone and clung on tighter than a limpet) Luckily DH stuck around but it took a long time to get to a point where I could let him free and realised I could be alone if I had to, it's just I don't want to because I love his guts. Could be way off but I know for me a wee bit of counselling helped as well chicka.

ETA: In your brutally honest bit, I think it is normal to want people to like us hun, totally and humanly normal. We want love and acceptance and for people to think we are totally cool (which you are by the way!) but you need to be YOU at the end of the day, not someone that you think people want you to be and if people are hurting you you need to stand up and say, this is who I am, like it or lump it and if you are going to walk over me see ya later. Some will take the slap on the wrist and hang about and some will p-off but the ones who stay are the ones worth it anyway.

:hug: I think that making a point of looking at the things you like and stopping yourself from dwelling on the things you don't like helps.
I also think that setting goals and achieving them helps us to feel good about ourselves and giving back to their community works for some people. Planting a vege garden and eating the veges, finishing a short (or long course), volunteering to help out a local organisation or charity - that kind of stuff.

Oohh good point Onyx, when I started sewing last year I felt SO good because I was doing something I love, admittedly for my kids still ( I think it's good to find something for YOU) but that I really enjoy doing, and same now with our new camera. I love learning new things and doing something somewhat selfishly has really helped me as well.

Has some of it been since the kids arrived Mel??? ALot of my issues have been a long time in coming, but since having the kids you do become so selfless and everything to do with us as mums gets put to the backburner. I know I was looking at my leg hair the other day :rofl: and thought holy heck, when on earth did THAT happen? Yes it is winter and yes it is something minor but pre-kids I looked after me alot more than I do now.

I know that is a really silly example but there are lots of others too that I hope you get what I am talking about (eyebrows and bikini come to mind haha) I think once we DO become a wee bit more selfish with little things that we will take some time out for us ,to go to the gym, get some waxing done, hair done, massage, whatever, you do come to realise that you are worth it and it's those baby steps I mentioned. Blaaahhhh Im not able to say what I think anymore in a coherent manner, hopefully you will get my drift and if not I will be back later after a few more coffees.

:yeahthat:

Great thinking Onyx and Tanstar.
I know since I've begun sewing, I've been feeling really good about myself. Learning something new, and achieving a goal (making a dress). :)
Love the vegie garden idea, it's a shame you're planning on moving soon tho... hmmm

Also love the hair, makeup, massage ideas - something for YOU. Not for anyone else. Be selfish Mel, you deserve it xx

:hug: Mel. I can soooo relate to a lot of your post.

I had gotten to the point where I was avoiding social situations so I could avoid the rejection :(

Now I have reached the point where i think I have to actively DO something to fix it you know? Like i know what the problem IS, but what then?

Ok, so one thing I was told ages ago by some friends who did a lot of work in that area was to do mirror work. So every morning, you get up & look in the mirror & tell yourself that you love yourself, tell yourself something nice about yourself.

It might not sound like much but the fact was that I couldn't do it. I actually had trouble even looking in the mirror, not just checking my hair or whatever but LOOKING at ME.

Finding the negative dialogue that goes on in your head & re-programming it is another one to try. Even just identifying it & questioning where does it come from...

ATM, for me, I am actively challenging myself - so for example, I am making an effort to face my fear of rejection, see people etc.

I'm going to get going on the other two shortly. I am procrastinating on the mirror stuff cause I find it really hard :p

I DO think you are fantastic :hug:

Oh Mel! :hug: There's so much I want to say, I hope I can get it all down clearly.

I hope you know that I think you're absolutely awesome, because I really do. And you never ever have to worry about hounding me - I always enjoy your company. I'm sure I'd visit you every day if you lived in town - I think you'd be getting sick of me before I got sick of you! :P
You are likeable - one of the most likeable people I know! And I would say that A and E would most definitely agree with me! Why else would we all be begging you not to move back to QLD!?!

And all that history of yours that has affected you - how can you not say you're a strong person to have come out on the other side of all that still(mostly) smiling! Your history will always be part of you, but it doesn't have to be who you are! I've lived the most boring, straight line life - so when I look at your history I'm really in awe - you, my friend, have really lived! Your dad is, to be quite honest, an idiot for not making any effort with you - but it's not about you, it's all him. You've said yourself that your uncles, etc think he's pretty pathetic in that way. DH's dad is the same like that - some parents really just don't try - I don't know why that is, but it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with the kids.
I don't think you're a weak person either. You are one of the most generous and giving people I know, why should that be seen as a weakness? Yes, sometimes generous people get taken advantage of, but the fact that that hasn't stopped you from being so generous and giving is really lovely - you're a pure, good-hearted person Mel, and that's nothing to be ashamed of!

I agree with the others about making sure you do something for you - it's so easy to forget ourselves as mothers. You need to look after you, have fun for the sake of having fun - I think more singstar nights are definitely in order! ;) And writing will help - maybe it's time to start that blog after all?

There's so much more I could say, but basically I just want to say I love ya *mwah*, and I'm here any time you want to talk - any time!!! :hug:

Wow I seriously could have written almost all of that myself :hug:

Mel big big hugs my girl! Everyone has given such good advice and I know from our little group in particular that we value you as an integral part of our lovebiatchhelpadvicefriend circle...I remember back to when you messaged us and said you knew you didnt fit in as well etc etc and we all went "wtf?" that is what you thought and we PROVED YOU TOTALLY WRONG!!!..

I dont want to hijac your thread but I need to tell you this story so you understand that I do know a bit how you are feeling, not exactly buuutt...
I have the same but with my mum who calls herself "finished with being a parent" that was years ago and our relationship does not exist and we do not acknowledge each other as relatives at all now. From me that is out of protection as I ws beating myself up about why she didnt have a maternal feeling in her body about me.... I used to go to the park and cry and cry and cry and wonder who would ever love me. Then I slept with how many men to try and find someone who would love me forever...never found it until I actually stopped doing that but not before making myself miserable in the process and earning a saucy rep :) I do blame both my parents for their lack of common normal values as I think they were so selfish in every way throughout both my sisters and my life that we both suffered. She is now a hermit type person with a lot of emotional issues and I am apparently the srong one... Haha it is all a result of throwing away the self worth and trying to make good choices I could be proud of... In essence not being like them.

You are a great mummy and Im sure your dh would say a fabbo wife and Im sure you are working hard to not repeat the cycle that has made you so unhappy. That in itself is the way to get it back in my opinion and girl, you just have to have the faith in yourself that you deserve to feel happy and loved and have good friends.

I hope that made sense. If you feel like talking you know where I am and a whole heap of other ladies who love you..One of which today yo offered your number to because she is having a bad day...UUUMMMMM Nice friend alert!!! :)

xxx luv ya x

Mel, alot of what you say could have come from my own head. My thoughts and feelings. I don't find all that much about me too much of a big deal. My kids are awesome, that's partly because of me...my hubby is rediculously marvellous, mostly his doing but partly from me I guess.....but ME, the real me (who is she anyway, I don't know anymore) I don't find great at all.

Look, I know I don't know you personally, but from what I get from you online, you are one awsome chicky babe! I wish I did know you IRL. I think we would get on really well. You are well worth the effort and I would love to spend time with you. Honestly tho, I don't know how you can help you. If I knew that I would be doing it myself. I hope you find the answer to see how lovely, clever, funny and thoughtful you are. Because once you do you will see what we see, one marvellous part of the human race!!

Good luck with it chick. You deserve to see how wonderful you are.

Shayna - thank you. Love you lots and lots and I think the same about you (so go and find your keys already ;))

Sloane - thats definitely true, I'm by far my harshest critic. Even when I got my VBA2C, I was negative about it because I was (in my eyes) too loud. Whereas "normal" people think, gee I kicked butt with that one, shut all the critics up, did it drug free and on my own terms - but still Ms Negative Nancy here - I was too loud. I freaked out. I wasn't good enough. And omg, you hit the nail on the head with the little voices, thats exactly what its like....

Ali - thanks babe, you made me cry.. LOL

Lulu - I see what you are saying, and I'm still processing it. I know that I need to do something because I know its affecting my preparation for the next birth, its like a big wall that its just THERE, and I can't budge it. And apparently I can't ignore it any longer (hence this thread!)......

Telly - thank you. At the moment I can't think of anything I would even be able to put in there as a positive, well, I'm a good typist but thats about it at the moment.. and thats not really anything to write about.......love your guts too ;)

Onyx - I get where you are coming from, but we're selling up (plus we live in tassie) so vegies aren't really do-able at the moment, maybe if we ever get to Queensland we can do that. Plus, i've got 3 young kids, so getting out and about and doing volunteer work or a course just isn't ever going to happen, I barely have time to scratch my butt - let alone actually do something for me. I know it sounds like excuses, but being pregnant, with young kids AND trying to keep a house in sellable condition, its really wearing me down energy wise already.

Tan - I dunno if its been just since the kids, I know that I've always had issues, but maybe it was just that I was young enough to brush them off as someone else's problem - and not mine. Now that I'm getting old (and *cough cough* more mature) I see the mistakes I've made, I accept responsibility for them, and still wonder why I rely on other people's acceptance of me to make me happy. Oh and I hear you about the legs, omg, the other day I had to have an internal to make sure bubs was ok and since its been winter I hadn't shaved in like, months, and I was there cringing and apologising to the poor doctor and telling him that he should have taken his weed wacker to work that night - the poor man.... :shakehead:

Fleur - I know I could definitely NOT do the mirror stuff. I don't look at myself ever. I'm ashamed to see what I have become and I have no-one but myself to blame for that. But I definitely think that if we move to Queensland that we have to catch up, even if I have to come to you and get you out of your closet or something :)

Sterla - thank you, your post made me cry. You are totally right, it is all about my dad, and not to do with me. And thanks wifey - i love ya too ;) (oh and definitely more singstar nights - even though you just want me there cos you kick my butt cos I suck.. LOL) And maybe I will blog, even if nobody else reads it but me!

Serenity - I'm sorry you feel like that too :hug:

Natty - yup I did the whole "sleeping with lots of men" thing as well. Didn't do a thing to make me feel better thats for sure. I think its hard when you are a parent to understand why yours would reject you - and figure that there must be something wrong with you, cos surely you would never do that to your own children.

Lilias - I'm glad you get where I'm coming from, although it makes me sad that you feel the same way cos its no way to feel. And yes, I think we would get along tremendously and your gorgeous boy and DD1 would end up getting married and having gorgeous babies ;)

Thanks to everyone who read my thoughts and it wasn't meant as a "woe is me" thread, more getting out stuff that was in my head so much last night I couldn't sleep. And for someone who rarely gets 4 hours sleep a night as it is - I needed to get it out before I had another night like it.

Just wanted to give you a big hug. A lot of what you've written is me down to a tee. Recently I've come to realise that no one is going to make me feel good about myself but me. I really don't know how to do this, but I am moving forward. I hope you find a way too

See, I think you're awesome & brave 'cause you put yourself out there and say so much on here, most of it very helpful & supportive and you moved to Tassie and got out there and made friends - I only leave the house to take the lad to childcare and see my family, I have to push myself to go to ABA meetings & I sit there while everyone else chats, but I don't want to butt in with my boringness.

As for the past rejections, they're losers who can't see a good thing when they've got it & going from the posts here we can see a good thing and you my love are it!

ahhh.... now I see what I missed this morning.
:hug: Mel... before I start I'm going to tell you a little story. This morning I was in the kitchen at work with two colleagues who are both incredibly smart and good looking and I'm sure earn a great deal more than me. And one of them (the bloke LOL) said "In my twenties I just attached myself to one disastrous man after another, and then tried to cover it up with alcohol and drugs"... and the other woman and I looked at each other and said at the same time "so did I!". You know what - that one little exchange made me feel a whole lot better about myself! Anyway, my point is that we're all pretty much as f*cked up and insecure as each other.
Mel, I know that it may not seem like much, but you have so many friends here, and we all love you because you're clever, funny and fiercely loyal. You are doing an awesome job looking after three kids while pregnant with a 4th :o and you WILL have 2VBA2CS or whatever the hell the acronym is for that. I seem to recall your old boss in Queensland was just about ready to walk over broken glass if you would stay and work for him so you must have been pretty good at your job too.
I am sorry if people have let you down because you really do deserve better than that.
Everyone else has given you good advice but all I can say is that you Rock! and don't you forget it.
Otherwise..... I might have to come down there and give you a Pixie-bashing
(*please note that Pixie-bashing will be administered with soft fluffy objects and no Arimehs will be harmed)

Mel - you listed several reasons why you couldn't do anything for yourself, I get the business, I get the lack of sleep, and the million things you have on your plate right now.

But those are actually reasons why you MUST do something for yourself. Simply to recharge. Even if it's painting your toenails or -gawd, I dunno- as long as it's something purely for you. So even if you don't feel worthy, treat yourself as if you ARE.....or I'll enlist all your friends to harrass you.

I don't have any advice; just wanted to say that you're not alone. I don't think I'm very likeable either. For some reason I just expect that people I meet aren't going to like me.

I really struggled with the lack of feedback about my progress/acheivements when I stopped work to have DD1. This probably says way too much about me BUT I had to work hard to get to a place where I felt there were positive acheivements in my day. There were a few parts to this - to stop beating myself up about the things that went less to plan and really making an effort to celebrate the successes we had. I tried to challenge the negative thoughts I had and replace them with good ones too. Corny maybe but it really rewired my thinking after a period of time I forgot to get to the less happy ideas.
I also had to start to carve out some time/space for me (sounds impossible with any small children, lol). So finding something I had let go and taking it back for myself, reading and walking regularly were what I scrounged back. Like Lulu said I also made some things not negotiable that I had previously dismissed as not important - making an effort to get out of my trackies and in nicer clothes and getting my hair cut more regularly - before I went back to work I did the cheapo haircut joint and a supermarket hairdye - and I felt much better. Sounds quite shallow perhaps but I began to value myself more - I was putting in the hard yards with everyone else yet not bothering with myself.
As for tricky family stuff - well I have tried to invest more in the family support I do have and the lovely friends who are there for me no matter what. It has helped me make peace with the angst and see it as their loss rather than mine.
xxxxxx