How do I cut this friendship?

I have a friend. We've known each other nearly 10 years - met on Phillip Island and made some mutual friends at the same time, and any friendship was pretty much based on shared enjoyment of certain beverages. We lived in different states, so didn't really see a lot of each other unless one or the other were travelling, when we'd catch up and party on together.

It stayed that way for a few years, until she moved away from her home state. She had a bit of a hard time with it, and since I had moved interstate also (although to somewhere different) I offered her some support through that, mostly by chatting on the phone. We continued our pattern of catching up if we were in the same city. It got a bit much when once, I went to visit my parents for the first time in 6 months, and she rocked up to stay for the weekend. She assumed we could offer her a bed, even though DH (who at the time was a DP that family were just getting to know) and I were already staying. She arrived at 10pm, and expected dinner. Gluten free dinner. While staying, she broke a curtain and didn't tell anyone, as well as cooking herself breakfast and eating it in front of the rest of the family, without offering to cook them any, or cleaning up at all. Petty little things? Maybe. But it paints the picture of the self-centred person we're dealing with. The annoying thing was that she impinged on my catch-up time with my family, when she has other friends in the same city she could have stayed with.

So I had to stop telling her when I was visiting my family. Fine. She was dating a guy who lived in Tassie. She was just out of Canberra, so they would met halfway in... Melbourne. Where I lived. Convenient, she could stay with me. They both did. I gave them my bed and slept on the couch. It happened a LOT. They were both earning good full time wages, while the DP and I were povo-stricken students. Again, she expected to be fed. Gluten free food. She never ever ever brought anything with her, nor tried to find out where she could get some locally. She rolled her eyes once at me when all I had to offer was bread. Bread that I could just barely afford to buy myself, let alone fork out $8 for a piddly amount of GF muesli. And every time, she expected to be picked up from the airport and dropped off again.

There's no real friendship upon which any of this is based. For my "real" friends, I would have no problem with doing any of this. But with this one, all we ever talk about is the weather and her most recent failed attempt to lose weight. (Apparently weighing yourself and counting calories don't work so she has never tried, but I've got a 22kg loss and 5 dress sizes smaller than her that say they do. We used to be the same size.) There is nothing to our friendship.

For the last two years, I have lived in the same city as her parents. She stays with us because we're closer to the city, and she invites her mum to have coffee at our place. (and expects me to provide GF afternoon tea) Great! So I spend a Saturday arvo chatting about the weather with two people I have no real connection with.

When we had our m/c, she came to stay a week later. Didn't even cross her mind that maybe I might need a little bit of space. She was in town for a conference. On the bus on the way there, she fed me one of those hideous cliches about "it wasn't meant to be..." Really hurtful, and really the biggest sign I have ever had that she is not actually a friend.

Recently, she was at another conference on the Gold Coast. Wanted company. I was on mat leave, so of course there's nothing else I want to do, and I went down. Thought it might be nice to have a little break, head down to the beach. I was about 30 weeks preg, just starting to get a bit uncomfortable. She very graciously get a foldaway bed from reception, and let me sleep on it, while she slept in the double bed. While we were there, we'd walk around, and she repeatedly walked into my belly. Really REALLY annoying, but she just didn't seem to be paying attention to where she was going or what was in her space.

When she calls my mobile, I don't answer any more. She leaves messages, and I don't respond. Annoyingly, I dumbly gave her my home phone number, and so she rings that. Especially if she needs something. Usually because her DF is working and she's bored. We talk about the weather, her vegie garden, and her most recent failed attempt to lose weight. Or, occasionally, to ask for travel advice. She rings, without fail, when dinner is on the stove, although I've learned from this, and actually fake dinner being on the stove when it's not, so I can get off the phone and escape the boredom. The hint has never got through. DH knows when it's her on the phone, because he asks who it is and I roll my eyes.

She asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding :o in Tasmania :o In January. And, oh, she wasn't sure if kids would be invited or not :o I will have a 6 week old!! And it's two states away!! Apart from that, we're not even close friends! DH and I had decided that week that we wouldn't even go to the wedding. (I didn't tell her that, I said I thought we would just "wait and see")

I have tried being as assertive as I can - when she tells me her mum is coming over, I suggest a cafe and get "Oh, cafes never have anything gluten free, I don't mind just staying here." as an example. I say "Oh, we've got a lot of things on that weekend" and I get "That's OK, I can tag along."

Next weekend, the ILs are in town to meet their new grandchild (assuming the kid ever comes out) She will also be in town to pick up her wedding dress. So she says "Well, we'll see you then!" I say "My ILs are here that weekend, I think we'll be pretty busy with them (and a new baby)" she says "Oh, that's OK, Mum and I will just pop in!" Their pop in is a 2 hour marathon chat about the weather, her vegie garden and her most recent failed attempt at losing weight. They know where I live, so it's not like I can hide!

How do I tell her? I can't continue the friendship if I internally groan every time I have contact with her - clearly it's a waste of my energy. But she won't take any hint, and I'm not sure how much less subtle I can be. I need help with this one. Please?

She sounds so self absorbed that subtle hints just will not work and will only drag this out longer. I'd pen her an email, and be very blunt.

gee if all else fails you'd almost need to change your phone numbers with this type of person. run audax, run!!

Honestly, I would just tell her straight that you don't have the time and energy for a friendship with her. Tell her that you feel underappreciated and used and that the whole thing is a bit futile. Write her a letter if you need to. Do you still share mutual friends? If you don't it should be a little bit easier.

I don't think you should intentionally hurt her feelings, but I don't think you are going to avoid it either. If this is really what you want, decide what you want to say to her, say it and don't enter into any further conversation with her. Remove her from FB and cut all other contact. I think that is the least painful. She probably does deserve something of an explanation and it would be better if you could tell her in person or on the phone because things in writing can come back and bite you but if you don't think you can say it or you need to be heard all the way through - write it down. Be very careful to use 'I' messages rather than accusing 'you' messages so instead of saying 'You have no respect for me' say 'I feel very used and underappreciated when you expect me to provide accomodation and feed you everytime you visit. I need my space and privacy and it isn't working for me anymore.' That kind of thing ...

It's not an easy thing to do but it does sound like you need her out of your life. At least if you don't share mutual friends it should make things a bit easier because there is no-one else to get involved and stuck in the middle. You can walk away, no strings attached.

Be blunt no she can't come over next week, il's and a baby mean no room, same with the wedding you don't want to be a bridesmaid as you can't spend the day running after her when you have a new born you need to be with. By the sounds of her it should annoy her and she will want to cut ties with you.

I bet you can recruit your MIL to chase her away if you let her know the story.

Have you considered the fact she stays with you rather than her other friends because they don't let her get away with her ridiculous demands? I bet she has been told to pull her head in before...it's time to do it again.

And hide behind MIL if you need to...

What Just Me said

Unfortunately, you've trained her to treat you like this by allowing her to do it for so long. Often when people are fed up with being passive, they switch to aggresive and tell someone to Get lost. You could do this, but I don't think you'd like that you did.

I'd write a script, then call her and say."X, I've been thinking about this for a long time. I don't feel comfortable with our friendship. I don't feel valued by you and I never have. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I'd rather you not contact me again. Thanks." If she then loses if either through anger and tears, say "I really am sorry. I don't have anything else to say, so I'm going to hang up now."

If you'd prefer to do the passive thing, continue to not answer calls. Change you home phone number. When she rocks up, either you or your DH tell her it's not a good time and don't let her in the door. She can only take up 2 hours of your time if you let her.

GL and I hope baby comes soon.

Be blunt babe, you have a baby on the way!! Tell her NO! You can do it xxxxx

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Honestly, I would just tell her straight that you don't have the time and energy for a friendship with her. Tell her that you feel underappreciated and used and that the whole thing is a bit futile. Write her a letter if you need to.

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:yeahthat:

That's exactly what I was thinking - you have to focus your energies on something far more important than a selfish, self absorbed person.

I think you just need to say no. I'm not a fan of confrontation, so I don't even know if I could do this, but shen she says:

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"Oh, that's OK, Mum and I will just pop in!"

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I think you'll just need to say 'No, sorry. I'll have a house full of people, a newborn, and I'll be exhausted.'

Stay strong hun xo

I agree with the other posts, unfortunately you're going to have to be blunt but I doubt her feelings will be spared. But I guess you have to ask yourself if its worth it - your own sanity vs her feelings. Although I do like Lulu's suggestion..!!

Yeh I agree - it sounds like dropping hints is not going to work with this girl.. you might need to spell it out and tell her the reasons why you are not getting anything from the friendship and that you would rather leave it..
or just straight out tell her that you feel youve grown apart and you'd rather not catch up anymore.
I agree with Just Me about using the I messages... that way you get your point across about what you need rather than her feeling so much like she's being attacked. also what tashybabe said is a good way of going about it, but she will probably want some answers, so you might want to put them in an email or letter rather than getting into a discussion over the phone - she sounds like the manipulative type that could turn it all back on you.
Good luck!!

I agree with everyone else here, she needs to be told in no uncertain terms that she is NOT to come over at that time (or call during dinner, or stay at inconvenient times etc) or she's just not going to get it. I do wonder though, how many other friends does she have? Just from what you've written (and I may have the wrong end of the stick here) you may be the best thing she's got? I'm just wondering why she spends so much time with just you when she's visiting your city, why the only other people mentioned are her mum and DF, and why she'd ask you to be a bridesmaid if you're not that close? Seems to me that maybe you're the only bridesmaid type person she has.

Not that that excuses any of her behaviour, she's being incredibly selfish and needs to be pulled up on it, I'm just wondering if there might be something else there?

Start with saying a big fat ''NO!'' to dropping round while you have IL's. See what she says. If she brings up the wedding thing, ask her how your needs will be met - will you and bubs be comfortable, will she be ok with it if you leave early, facilities for BF etc....if she can't meet those needs then it's just not possible for you to be there.

You know exactly what you would say to someone else in this situation, so put your game face on hun and go get the friendship power back!

If the friendship is over, then it's over and no amount of pretending will bring it back. GL! xo

I have been the RSPCA for people myself in the past. Please please please stand up to her and say no. This will actually clarify all your doubts about the friendship - what she does when you stand up to her.....
I had a similiar friend who in the end turned so self absorbed she decided she wanted my job and sent anoymous emails to my manager telling her really nasty stuff. I know I should have ended the friendship years before it got to that stage and I didn't. I think you might be at the same stage.

Goodluck, its not easy but definitely worthwhile for your own peace of mind.

OMG that was annoying me just reading it!! I agree with everyone. If you want to end the friendship then you have to tell her. Or you can just place limits on it. Just start saying no. When you talk to her next tell her she can't come over when the baby is born, if she has an excuse just say 'No, sorry, you can't'. If she turns up when you don't want her just say 'sorry, not a good time, next time call ahead so you don't have to come all the way here and turn around again, talk to you later, BYE!'

I'm with the others, but I wouldn't be offering excuses (the house is full, whatever). Keep it simple, her expectations don't suit you. The friendship has run it's course, you are not in a position to meet her needs any more. If she pushes for more you have plenty of reasons, but try not to buy into her drama.
Don't be her bridesmaid, you'll hate every moment.
Life is too short.

I have been in that situation before. In the end the only thing I could do was be completely honest and tell the person that I just didn't want to be their friend anymore, because x, y and z. You know what? The lead up to it was wrose then the actual 'disscussion'. Once I had told her that, I felt liberated and she took it quite well, I think because I had been honest, rather then just becoming resentful and nasty and petty.

I would suggest ringing her up to talk to her. If you need you could write up a script or list of the issues you have so that you don't get flustered (and she won't know you have a list if you are on the phone). Be prepared that she may try and talk her way out of it and minimise things. I always fell back on "You are probably right (about whatever), but I cann't help my feelings whether they are rational or not, and I would just like to end this friendship now while I still have good memories and haven't become too bitter and negative."

The last line is excellent Misty.

Phew, i held my breath when i opened this one!

She's really not getting the hint is she? Can you recruit a mutual friend to tell her to back off. Pick someone with a bit of tact though! I also wouldn't do the big ending right now as she might just put it down to emotional overdue pregnant woman.

Ah

You need to learn how to say NO! To this one and anyone else who takes advantage of your kindness. Even if you get rid of this parasite, another will come along to suck you dry.

She's like a vampire. String up the garlic and don't let her into your house.

Start by saying "no" to her and her mum visiting, and "no" to her wedding. Just plain old no, no excuses, because some people don't hear excuses... They only hear you continuing the conversation and keeping communication on the subject open (this is what good sales people do). You have to say a clear, perfect "no".

Then if you can do that I would expect the friendship to die from natural causes, because parasites can't live without a host to feed off.


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Jude 07/10/2008 | Lilac 16/06/2011

This one's old but I did always wonder what happened. How did you go?

Also a bit sad seeing another one of Lulu's old posts.

Interested to know too...

I felt the same seeing Lulu in there Tash.

I like that Lu's advice is still solid. It makes me feel good to have known her.

Did it work out, Audax?

Geesh, trust me to dig up an ancient thread in my sleep deprived haze at 3am. But it would be interesting to know what happened.

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Jude 07/10/2008 | Lilac 16/06/2011