Siblings..... the best experience you can give your child/ren?

A friend of mine tells me that she thinks the best thing you can do for your kids is give them a sibling. This was during a huge argument about the benefits of breast feeding for as long as possible. We no longer speak - but I can't get her words out of my head. Which is really annoying..... anyway.

What do you think?

Honestly.

We needed IVF to conceive DD, and when we first started TTC we always said we wanted 3 kids. Now we feel lucky to have one and one is where we might just stay. We're not sure if we'll have another (or if even we have a say in that, IVF may not work again).

So, is giving your kids a sibling the very best thing for them?

No.
I think the whole "You need to have another to give your child a sibling" argument is rather silly. Siblings are great and all, but kids can get along without them.

I don't think people should have another child JUST to give their first child a sibling and NO i don't think it's the greatest gift you could give them.. your LOVE, TIME and AFFECTION is the greatest gift for a child followed by SUPPORT & UNDERSTANDING.

Personally i love that my girls are close, they seem to share a bond that no-one else could share with them but in saying that in 20yrs time they could hate each other.

Please don't let your friends words annoy you, do what is right for YOUR family and what your heart tells you to do, some people have no idea what affect their words have on others... either way i'm sure your an amazing mum who has her DD's best interests at heart.

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea if it is the best experience or not. Judging by the way my kids fight at times, it probably isn't the best experience :lol: but it's something that we can't possibly know until they are adults I think and they can tell us themselves. And that's not forgetting the fact that if you only have 1 child or 6 children, that they aren't going to know any different, so it's probably going to be a big non-issue for them anyway.

no.
i think id be alot more saner if we only had ds1! i was a only child untill i was 11, and didnt bother me one bit. the greatest gift you can give your child is LOVE

Sometimes I think I've done my children a great disservice by giving them siblings so close together - or at all.

Life would be a WHOLE lot easier with just the one!! LOL

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I agree, there are sooooo many other amazing things we can do for them - yeah, loving them is the main one and there are no worries about that for our DD!! :) :) :)

What has stuck in my mind most is - my "friend" is a teacher and she said she can spot an only or middle child after a week of being with them. So she had 4 kids so that none of them had the middle child syndrome :ROFL: How ridiculous. (well, sounds ridiculous to me anyway).

I think that with 4 children you end up with 2 children with middle child syndrome. Is it bad to be a middle child?

Anyways... I think the best experience you can give your children is a childhood in a loving home. And to model not being a judgmental know-it-all who thinks that she can prescribe the perfect family unit :p

No, I don't think it's the "best" experience you can give them, but I grew up an only child and was always jealous of people who had siblings and was adamant if I had kids it would be at least two.

But having said that, I also know only child's who love that it was only them. Everyone and every family unit is different, just have to work out whats right for you and yours.

I think sadly this is a case of generalisations. Ask my DS which he prefered, the one on one mummy time or the 3 demanding sisters which touch his stuff. At this age they could stay at nanas for good and he wouldn't mind. Not to say he doesn't love them but they fight 90% of the day and he is a very sensitive kid who gets jealous when they touch his mummy.

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What has stuck in my mind most is - my "friend" is a teacher and she said she can spot an only or middle child after a week of being with them. So she had 4 kids so that none of them had the middle child syndrome :ROFL: How ridiculous. (well, sounds ridiculous to me anyway).

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Really? I'm not a teacher yet, but even as a parent volunteer in my kid's classrooms, I can pick the kid who stayed up till 11pm, I can spot the kid that didn't have breakfast and I can spot the kid who seeks attention, but I've never been able to typically 'pick' the only child, or the middle child, or the eldest child. Sounds like she's talking out of her bum a bit LOL. Its not something you can just pick. Traits that you would assume an only child to have such as not being able to share, could also be typical for a child in a big family etc.

No idea.
I think as parents we do the best we can for our kids, regardless of having one child or 3. I'd just hope no parent feels guilty if they can't "produce" a sibling for their child.
I don't mean this to sound blase, but I guess you don't miss what you don't have, kwim?

No, I personally believe that single kids end up better off.

If this pregnancy hadn't got through the pill and the morning after pill, we would have just left it at DD.

No plans for any more than 2...DH getting a vascetomy!

i would have quite happily beenan only child ;)

The best experience you can give your child is growing up in a home free of abuse - OK, in a home where the child is not continually abused at the very least: I believe that no home or relationship can be completely abuse-free as we can all be selfish at times. If you can't do that, you shouldn't have a child. BUT if you are the sort of mother (or father) who abuses her child in whatever fashion, lots of children is the best thing for your children: typically, in abusive households, children with more siblings do better (not going to quote the studies here!).

DS's two best friends are only children too and they LOVE sharing with each other, so I fail to see how only children don't share!

eta- I agree with skybie, I wanted to be an only child when I was growing up too! Now, I'm sorta pleased my sister got all the attention and I got ignored, I can see her giving attention to Liebling and how bad that is for him.

I think different horses for different courses really ... I don't think that having siblings is ever the BEST thing you can give your children. As a PP said, your love, time and affection is the most important thing. I do think that all families work different and for some families, having siblings is good for kids but in other families being a singleton works better. It really depends on the parents, the kid and the circumstances.

I know heaps of families with very very happy and well adjusted singleton kids just like I know lots of families with more than one child. Kids are pretty adaptable to whatever set up works in your family.

People that think they have done things the 'right' way annoy me. Every family is different. I think the idea of having more babies for the sake of current children is a little absurd. I do think sibling relationships and family dynamics are a consideration, but I think the decision has to be made because it is something both parents want, not because they think it is something that their current children need, iykwim.

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I think different horses for different courses really ... I don't think that having siblings is ever the BEST thing you can give your children. As a PP said, your love, time and affection is the most important thing. I do think that all families work different and for some families, having siblings is good for kids but in other families being a singleton works better. It really depends on the parents, the kid and the circumstances.

I know heaps of families with very very happy and well adjusted singleton kids just like I know lots of families with more than one child. Kids are pretty adaptable to whatever set up works in your family.

People that think they have done things the 'right' way annoy me. Every family is different. I think the idea of having more babies for the sake of current children is a little absurd. I do think sibling relationships and family dynamics are a consideration, but I think the decision has to be made because it is something both parents want, not because they think it is something that their current children need, iykwim.

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Absolutely agree.
Having siblings has been great for me growing up, and certainly something i have always wanted for my children. But I know plenty of people who grew up as only children and that worked fabulously for them. My sister only has the one child and that is probably the best thing she could do for him. The are positives and negatives for both - and it really is a trade off.

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What has stuck in my mind most is - my "friend" is a teacher and she said she can spot an only or middle child after a week of being with them. So she had 4 kids so that none of them had the middle child syndrome :ROFL: How ridiculous. (well, sounds ridiculous to me anyway).

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I can generally 'spot' the kids who have siblings or not (and if they are the younger or older child). I don't think this really indicates whether having siblings is a good thing or a bad thing - just different. We are a product of our environment, so there are going to be differences. Differences are good, they make the world what it is.

As for the four kids and middle child syndrome. Pfftt... My parents had six kids. Number 4 definitely suffered middle child syndrome. I think placement can impact on a persons personality, but it tends to be more in line with the natural inclinations of the person in question and the entire family dynamic and relationship which develop between siblings and parent and child. It is not any one factor, but rather a combination of things.

There are certainly differences between my nephew (who is an only child) and my children. He doesn't share as well, he gets stressed out over the noise and fighting and some other things. But you know what, he is also better at alot of things (my sister has more time to spend teaching him individually), he is more mature in many ways then my DD (same age), he is able to have his parents (and everyones) undivided attention - which in itself can be good and bad.

There is no 'right' or 'wrong' when it comes to number of children. just different.

I am an only child and I love it! My mum tells me there were times when I asked for a brother or sister but I can't remember it. I had my mums complete attention all the time and we had a good relationship growing up. I was lucky to have lots of cousins and close friends who lived next door so I always had kids to play with. I now also have 2 SIL that I adore.

We considered ony having 1 but eventually decided to give #2 a go. They do love each other and I watch them and the special relationship they have and often question my DH if it was like that with his 2 sisters and tell him how lucky he was. So yes there are benefits but my son sometimes feel we don't give him enough attention, my daughter feels my son gets more stuff then she does and I feel torn in two 80% of the time constantly trying to 'be present' for both in equal measure with their unique interesdts and takes on life. So it has it's draw backs as well.

The most important thing is
1. as a child growing up I never felt like I was missing out
2. as an adult looking back I certainly don't feel resentful for not having a sibling.

Hope you can find peace with whichever road you take

My DD was an only child for 10 years. She longed for a sibling.. She was so lonely and jealous of other kids who had siblings.
We had DS in 2009 and are now pregnant again as we don't want him to be lonely like DD was (obviously that's not the ONLY reason we're having another!) as there is such a big age gap between #1 and #2. I grew up with 7 sisters and 1 brother and had such a great childhood.. We all had so much fun together!
In our case, having an only child didn't work but I don't think every child needs a sibling to be happy. I know many families whose kids can't stand each other and probably would have loved to be an only child!

Try to ignore your ex friend hun, sounds to me like she was just trying to get under your skin, even if you had had 2 kids she would have just found something else to try and erk you with.

At the end of the day, the best thing for your child, is a happy, healthy family life, been it a family of 3 or 4 or 10. There are more relationships with people your child will have then just siblings, to focus solely on a sibling relationship as being "the best" suggests to me, maybe its your exfriends children missing out. xx

Sue, you know where I am coming from right now. I can give the adult perspective. Amy and I fought like cat and dog for years but of course you grow up. The experiences you have only a sibling can understand, you might fight when you are little but when you look back it's a HUGE source of mirth (so don't worry to much Mel, I promise you your kids will be laughing their asses off about it one day).

So yes I do. But I realise that isn't always possible, but you can also have friends that become sisters and brothers and you if don't have another child, she will find one too.


Love xoxoxo

i think your friend's thinking is very rigid and arrogant. I don't think it's right for her to impose her thoughts on you in such an autocratic way.

It shows incredible lack of empathy for people who don't have a choice too, e.g people with physical issues, people with financial troubles, people with no partner, the list is endless of people who don't have more than one, for various reasons. Plus the obvious, people who CHOSE to have one child.

So she is pretty unaware.

i have guilt that i am not providing my child with a sibling, and i went very "newborn ga ga" for a while there, but now i realise, i actually coudln't COPE with another child, i am finding it challenging enough with one, i think one is my limit. but that is only me. i would not put that on other people.

I do worry i am not sociable enough to provide bilby with all the friends to make up for the lack of siblings. She is nagging me about playdates now, at four. It's hard for me to build up the courage to ask other mums for playdates, and i am very anxious about inviting anyone to ours. (cramped inside and a backyard of dirt, weeds and twigs).

I must admit have said those words. Not in such a horrid way, more in response to people who tell me (in a slightly judgmental way) they need to just love their child and spend time with them before they have another. I think that motherhood has taught me that a human's capacity for love is not finite. Each new person that enters your love world just increases your capacity to love.
I am in awe of the sibling relationship. The way my kids reserve their extra big smiles just for each other, the way my son watches my daughters every move, in awe and wonder, learning. It is more amazing than i could have imagined and I hope it stays that way for a long time.

But if I really thought about, of course it is not the best thing you can do for your children.
Mother Theresa said the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. I think this is true. If children are in loving environment and learn respect for themselves and other, that is the best thing you can do for them.

If I was having a cup of tea with you and you were pondering whether you should have another, and it seemed like a possible thing, something you could do, I would encourage you to. If over a cuppa you said that you really couldn't do it all againi and DD was your only one, I would support that too, you will build your community around you and she will have go to people. You need to do whats right for you ultimately.

as an only child myself, i swore that i would always give my children siblings. even after suffereing a terrible pregnancy with ds, i knew i would do it once more for him.
i grew up in a home with lots of love and laughter, i had everything materially, that i could ever want. but i always wanted a sibling. even now, to not have a brother or sister to turn to, or to share things with, it's upsetting. i had a time after ds was born, that i acutally felt really depressed that he had no biological aunties or uncles on my side (i say biological, my lifelong girlfriends are all called auntie, and they do a better job than df's sisters). it may seem silly to some, but it got me down.

look, at the end of the day, each to their own, but i don't think you can say 'you can't miss what you never had' unless you have been an only child yourself. some kids love being an only child, i didn't. that's a decision you have to make for your family. but i think you also need to think about the child's later life aswell. obviosuly this is only my opinion.

I think your friend's attitude is really arrogant and narrow-minded, as a PP said. Not all family dynamics work the same.
Some only children love it, others long for playmates. Some siblings get along like a house on fire, others are complete strangers who just happen to share similar genetic material.

I have a brother. We're 3 years apart. And sadly, we have sweet stuff-all to do with each other - we're just vastly different people, we never played together as kids, we never enjoyed each others' company or looked to each other for support or anything like that. Now we're adults, we fight a lot less but we still don't really have much to do with each other - we're just two different people living very different lives (and a big part of that is that I don't approve of his lifestyle atm - he needs a good kick in the pants and to GROW UP ALREADY!), and we see each other often because he still lives with my parents and he drops by to visit the girls regularly. We love each other, but that sibling 'bond' doesn't exist.

That's just my perspective. I think the whole siblings deal might work out okay if you have kids that are the same sex, close together - my girls are nearly 2 years apart and are the cutest example of sisterly love you could wish for. They fight, they bash each other, they kiss each other and protect and run to each other for comfort, they share their toys (actually, they're not fantastic with that... hence the fighting lol), they share the same interests, their eyes just light up when they see each other in the morning and while I think having a sibling is great FOR THEM, it's also the best gift I could have given myself as they keep each other entertained and I get a bit more free time to myself!

Don't panic about doing the 'wrong' thing by your child - having a sibling isn't always the beautiful thing it's cracked up to be. It depends so much on your personal family dynamic as well as your LO's attitude to life - is she lonely, does she have a lot of playmates, do YOU have the time to spend with her now (and further, will you have that time if it's split between two kids?), etc etc. Fertility issues are always a big thing, too - what if you spend years on the IVF merry-go-round only to get no baby, and your DD suffers in the meantime because it's a very stressful, arduous and painful process for the whole family? Or would you both be happier if you accepted things as they are and worked towards alternatives to siblings like getting friendly with the neighbours and their little kids, or promised to spend more time with your MG or friends and their children, kwim?

Whatever you decide needs to be the best decision for your family, not some generic idea of what a traditional or 'appropriate' family unit should be. I really hope you don't let your ex-friend's cruel words get you down - she may have meant it from the best place possible but what she said just isn't true in a lot of cases!! Good luck to you, hun. xx

I guess it depends on the family/persom and their situation i suppose

I think DS1 would be very lonely without his brother and they keep each company....but i think the best experience i can give my children is having fun with them so they can remember in their older years what cool times they had.


you're friend sounds a bit silly. not all families feel the need for more then one child. im an only child and personal i hated it

That kind of thinking is a bit old fashioned I think :rolleyes: These days kids have loads of social interaction if you take them to a mothers group, play group, child care, or let them run around in the neighborhood with the other kids kwim And having another child just to give a sibling to your 1st isn't enough. I think you need to be able to look after another baby too. Having said all that we do want a sibling for DS but if we couldn't financially afford another baby or didn't have the time or didn't have the physical health or a whole sag of other reasons then he would be an only child and I don't think he would suffer for it.

Thank you sooooooo much everyone, I've loved reading all of your responses.

At this moment in time, we are at the "no way, no more babies" stage - but DD is still very young. I have gone through stages where I think I could do it again, and others when I feel that we're done. Glamourcide has touched on something that I've been thinking about though - doing IVF again with DD around - I don't want her to suffer if/when we do it. We have no family here who can help out with her should we decide to go down that route and I don't want all of my energy going into an IVF cycle that may or may not work, if that makes sense?

Anyway, that is down the line.

Thank you sooooo much again for your thoughts on this. I feel 100% better about it all. Whatever we do will be the right thing for our wee family.

Being honest, in my head I've only ever seen us with one child. I used to always have this image of DH with a little girl. :o She's here!

Sue, I think keeping an open mind about it is the best way to handle something like this - you know what is ahead of you and that puts you off, but then as you said she is only young and you never know what you'll think about this situation in a few years time kwim? And you're so right - whatever you do WILL be right for your family :hug:

I guess I feel the pressure a lot. People who know we did IVF are constantly asking me if we're going to do it again soon. People who don't know we did it ask me when we're having another. I guess everyone gets that hey?

I need to just chill a bit I think :) I'm loving being a mummy to DD, she's so much fun. She gets loads of time with other babies, I've made sure of that because we're isolated from family etc. She's a happy wee soul but she's a handful too! Don't know if I could cope with another high energy baby!

Sue different people will have different beliefs based on their own experiences and values. I too have been bombarded with unwanted 'advice' on the benefits of sibbling for DD. I now answer them with "we are unable to have anymore children" not completely technically true but it sure shuts them up LOL.

Also after years of TTC its kinda nice just to sit back and enjoy having a little one IMO and not think about TTC and the issues that brings for folk like us. At least until you want to think about it if you ever do.

There is a choosing to have a single child thread around if you want to chat on that.
xx

I must admit Im a bit jaded on the only child front. The only child we see regularly with no siblings is DF's nephew. He yells at my kids for making noise (DS and DDs dont 'talk' and it makes him angry), the sharing ability is nil and ther's a constant competitiveness for attention. If my kids cuddle me, he must too and it must be better :rolleyes: I think atm its got to do with not being in school (he is waiting for the term to start) and spending all day at home playing video games. Admittedly right now my son is watching a dvd (he had a rough night and is feeling fragile this morning so hes watching his favourite movie with his sisters) :redface:

As others have already said, each family and what works for them is different.

But I'd like to offer my perspective. I have one brother who is 3 years younger. We've never been particularly close as we are very different people, but we get along well and keep in touch. Our dad died 14 years ago and our mum died last year. I am so grateful to have one other person in my life who has been/is going through it all with me.

Only you can know what will work for your family. Your DD is young still so you have room to keep an open mind.

i have two siblings i haven't seen for over ten years.
My father died last year and they blocked me from being allowed to attend the "wake".

So having siblings doesn'[t guarantee that your child won't be lonely as they age. I feel like an only child, but i'm one of three in actuality.

I think that some behaviours are more age-related or related to family dynamics in general than to being an only child.

My brother's step kids are 5 & 7 and they don't share very well at all, and are always competing with my kids for attention and are generally very difficult to spend time with. I don't think that kids learn how to be around other people because they have siblings. I think they learn because adults take the time to show them ... and sometimes they are just going through a phase.

I think lots of behaviours get assigned as 'typical' of an only child, eldest child, youngest child, middle child etc but I think a lot of the time it is more to do with how the adults around them operate. I am not a huge fan of the stereotypes and don't like the idea of kids being pigeon holed because of their birth order or only child status. I think there are circumstances that lead to certain behaviours developing, but it doesn't have to be like that and parents can put in a lot of effort to ensure some of those issues aren't issue, iykwim.

All relationships take work - whether you have one kid or have ten kids - it takes a lot of work and effort to make sure that everyone is having their needs met. I think the best that parents can do for their kids isn't to ensure they have a sibling but rather ensure their needs of their all their kids, no matter how few or many they have, are met while also meeting their own needs. Obviously, there are going to be different needs in different families but it depends on the dynamics.

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Sue, I think keeping an open mind about it is the best way to handle something like this - you know what is ahead of you and that puts you off, but then as you said she is only young and you never know what you'll think about this situation in a few years time kwim? And you're so right - whatever you do WILL be right for your family :hug:

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I totally agree with Trillian :). Over the course of DS1's little life I changed my mind all the time about having another. While pg I was so sick I swore I wouldn't do it again. Right after he was born I was ready to try again immediately (LOL). By the time he was 6 months old I was all "I'm NEVER having another baby" and that feeling lasted until he was well past 12 months. By about 18 months I felt that maybe I could think about it one day, and when he turned 2 I was so incredibly clucky (although decided to wait a few more months before TTC)! I am so so pleased we had another baby, my boys are so in love with each other, and seem to have a real bond.

Your approach sounds great, enjoy being a mummy to your gorgeous girl, chill a bit, and just make the most of it. I know it's very hard to get these thoughts out of your head, but you really and truly don't need to make a decision now :).

I think siblings are wonderful things to have, but thts cause i have great relationships with each of my 3 sisters. I know many people who detest their siblings and havent spoken to them for many many years. I think the best thing you can do for your child is to be a happy mum, if that means an only child, then just make the most of it. I treasure my experience of being mum to an only, we have so much fun together and he always gets to invite friends over and have fun.

I am from a family of 4 sisters and there are definately 2 middle children ! So having four doesnt solve any sibling problems.

You just have to go with what you are happy with, kids just enjoy what they have.