Printable View
That's IT!
I'm going to NEVER talk of DD's sleep to ANYONE ever again - well, except for you guys :)
Today at my MG (who might I add are all allegedly gentle parents) I was telling them of the difficulties i am having with DD's sleep just now.
All bar one told me to try the tough love approach. Aka Crying it out. :o :wall:
I'm over it. I'm sick of this being the perceived ONLY option. It's BS. And this from fellow attachment parents. :wall:
Sorry, just had to get that out.
Hugs hun. You have more love & imagination than they do. I say cherish this time, embrace the difficulties cause you are creating a lifelong bond with a special little girl & you KNOW her needs better than anyone. Share & vent away (from someone who is surrounded by Tizzy Hall followers who think I'm mad for doing it this way) :hug: xx
I did CIO with my first child. Never again I swore. But then DD1 was having a HORRIBLE time when she was around 15 months, she just wouldn't go to sleep - no matter what we tried, we tried EVERYTHING. I posted numerous threads asking for help, and the only thing that DID work - was letting her cry for 2 minutes, going in, settling her down, staying in there stroking her hair, and then leaving when she was calm. It took a few months before this worked fully and she would go to sleep on her own, but I tell you what, having to stay in there with her for up to 2 hours trying to get her to go to sleep instead of playing around - was so very hard when you had two other kids!!
We haven't had to do it with DD2 - and I'm hoping we don't. But at the moment, DH sits in with DD2 trying to get her to sleep, and I sit in with DS and DD1 until they go to sleep, and sometimes it still takes an hour. Its hard. Its draining - and I hope you never have to experience it cos the tough love approach really does suck balls.
if you're happy to keep going the way you are, then there is no reason to change. and you are allowed to be frustrated & vent in the meantime. friends are there to listen & absorb your frustration. it's nice that they want to offer different suggestions but shouldn't suggest that it's the only way to do things.
:hug:
Trust yourself - you have to be happy with the choices you make. My DD1s 'sleep allergy' has pushed DH & I too our limits. We tried all sorts & nothing worked but I am convinced the CIO attempts made things worse. I felt a failure but have eventually found ways to maximise our sleep and she has just started sleeping thru sometimes at 4.5! I am convinced some kids are just like this. X
i will say i did it with Jamie he was just a pain and it was getting OTT but i will say that it doesnt work for everyone but i guess u technically could call it whinging it out coz he didnt really cry he was really just being a pain
YOU do what YOU think is right dont listen to them
I have also stopped talking about sleep to anyone and if they talk about it with me or ask about DD sleep , always ''hhmmmmm'' I just don't want to hear it any more, i do not want to let my baby cry that it up to me , why do they need to try and push it at me that their way is right
Ypu do what works for you guys hun, thats all you can do, try and just block all the other talk out i know its hard xx
I guess when people ask, I just tell them. I need to stop being so forward with information when I know that I'm not going to like what I hear when people comment.
It's like, when they offer their "solution" then I can't complain about it if I'm not willing to do something about it. You know what I mean?
I think I just need to stay away from people at the moment. LOL
Hey Sweets, my advice is that whichever method works best for getting YOUR baby to sleep is the best approach for YOU & YOUR baby. If your baby prefers to be held, rocked, bounced, pushed in the pram, fed, whatever - so long as you can get that baby to sleep - then that's the most successful way to get them to sleep.
Every baby is different & just like us we all have different likes & dislikes. What works for one baby doesn't always work for the next.
You do what works best with you. Remember that the more stressed you get, the more stressed bub will get, so if letting you Bub stresses you out, then it's stressing Bubs out as well & therefore that's not the best avenue to take.
Sending you much love & hugs - this is such a difficult 'topic' amongst parents!!!
Love Jayne xx
I love the gentle parenting people who do the CIO method :rolleyes:
Gotta learn to not talk about some things with certain people UNLESS you want to hear all about the right way to do things with a baby :rofl: coz of course your way is the wrong way and you're making a rod for your back.
At least you have us to chat too. I cannot let DD CIO for any longer than 2 mins even when I am furious with her antics at 3am.
:hug:
Look slightly horrified when they suggest doing that and say "Oh no, we could never do that with our baby!" And leave it at that. Politely thank them and change the conversation. You've got every right to talk about what you're going through, but I guess there are always people who you wouldn't share some things with and you can only learn that after you try! :hug:
FWIW, you only need to know that you and DH believe in what you're doing. This is a very short period of her life, it will pass soon. You're doing a fabulous job being tuned in to her needs and not ignoring them.
That's exactly how I feel! But 'their' solution is always one size fits all - you put the baby in another room, in a cot and you do controlled crying. When they are a toddler you force them to stay in their own room, and if they keep getting up you start using threats or you shut them in the room. I know that this approach is too harsh for my DS, I've told everyone that it's not something I'm prepared to do, yet people still recommend it. I guess they've found it works for them. Unfortunately sometimes I feel like a rubbish mother because I'm still struggling with sleep issues, when other people I know who do 'tough love' seem to have it under control.:
It's like, when they offer their "solution" then I can't complain about it if I'm not willing to do something about it. You know what I mean?
My suggestion would be to stick with BB for sleep advice, and just ignore what everyone else says - you're perfectly entitled to do it your way with your baby!
I hear ya! Most of the time i can just nod and smile or brush it off. When i'm going through a rough bit, and trying to work out what i can try next, it gets a bit harder. It's those times that i wish someone would say 'you are doing a great job'. it's the naysayers (usually people who do lots of things i wouldn't do and whose opinions i don't really care for) that seem to want to speak up then.
This is how I'm feeling just now. :(:
My MG are lovely, I'm not dissing them at all but they have started a one night a month thing where we all meet up without the babies. I've been unable to go and remain unable to go because of DDs sleep. So I'm to try the tough love so that I can get a night out? I don't think so.
Oh hun, I hear ya. Apparently we're not allowed to be frustrated or upset or have a vent unless we're willing to accept all pieces of advice on how to fix it - even if we weren't looking for a solution, just venting. One of my MG heard me complain about DS's constant night-feeding and offered me a sachet of formula :doh: Why can't I just whinge for a minute without getting thrown stupid advice and "solutions"?
Also...my rule of thumb is that any advice that begins with "He HAS to LEARN..." is crap advice and should be disregarded as soon as possible.
You ARE doing a great job. :hug: keep reminding yourself of that and go gently - with yourself as well as with your DD :D
I was thinking about this last night as I've been experiencing something similar and Honeybee's words really resonate. Tough love is working for my friends in establishing routines, and a good quality of life for them as a couple and individually. I've even found myself questioning my parenting when face with their evidence but I always come back to I prefer to respond to my child's needs and with my child when she cries there is always a reason and I just need to work our what it is. The last couple of nights she has been waking every couple of hours doing my head in but she was really thirsty in the heat and once fed went back off to sleep happy and satisfied. Why would I have ignored her cries. I would be so unhappy too if I couldn't get out of bed for a drink and DH ignored my pleas for some water.
So thank you MummaSue for posting this and helping me understand why I am parenting the way I am when surrounded by differing advice. And like you I'm also going to skip on the social occasions if my child needs me (hopefully I will get to some but if not that's life). As Jennifer says this is such a short time (and it too shall pass) and I want to know I parented the way I wanted that met the needs of my child. I had 40 years of self indulgence and having things my way and in the last 6 years all I wanted was to have a child and meet their needs. So for me it really isn't a sacrifice as I'm doing what I was meant to do (if that makes sense?).
that's exactly how i feel as well. but then in the last month, DS has slept through the night twice & i feel vindicated. it's only twice but i feel so good that we've had that while still sticking with what we think is the best way to parent our DS. he's been fed to sleep 80% of the time, we co-sleep, he's on a matress on the floor & has spent maybe only 20 nights in his cot....and we've still seen improvement. and yes, i've yelled, i've screamed, i've cried but we've still stuck with it!:
I'm glad I posted this. Thank you everyone.... whilst it can be draining and sometimes frustrating parenting this way, it is the best way for our babies. I just need to look at DD and see how awesome she is and what she's doing.
Another annoying thing happened earlier when I was at my ABA meeting. Lots of the mums from my MG go there too and one of them had a "bad" night last night where her DS was awake every 2 hours. She said "now we know how Sue feels" and they all laughed. Glad to know that I'm keeping everyone amused. FFS.
I'm taking a week out from human contact I think. Just need to spend some time with DD and DH to gather myself.
Oh Sue - that is awful and you know what she probably thinks that is helpful...... You are doing an amazing job! I found all that comparison stuff awful and really challenged who I thought I was. When you are that sleep deprived I found it is also really hard to keep an even keel with everyone/anyone who offered 'help'..... grrrhh.
Take care - and try and nap when she does or at least rest. xxxx
Aww Sue :hug: i'm so sorry that your feeling this way, i know it's easier said then done but please dont let these mummies and their unwanted advice/comments get to you.
You are an awesome mum to your beautiful little Evie Jean, so please please please dont ever think or say you are or feel like you are a rubbish mum because that is so untrue...you are awesome and so is Evie, you just continue to do things in the way you wish to do them and forget about what anyone else has to say.Like it has been said they are only babies for such a short time and all of this will pass soon.
We must meet up again one day when school goes back, until then take care - i am thinking of you :hug:
Surely you are not the only Mum not going to these outings. I would only be there if they were baby friendly events cos bub would be there with me .:
:hug: mate, you are not the only one. i am awake and changing sides with bub every couple hours so she can fill up for another hour or two of sleep.:
What? That is so not funny. I'd be tempted to take a week off from them as well. It's so hard, because it's great to have the contact with other mums and share the things that we do have in common, but it can also make me feel like a bit of an oddball, because I do things a bit differently.:
Another annoying thing happened earlier when I was at my ABA meeting. Lots of the mums from my MG go there too and one of them had a "bad" night last night where her DS was awake every 2 hours. She said "now we know how Sue feels" and they all laughed.
Actually, what I have started trying to do is be a bit more confident about my style of parenting. I think I may have spoken about it in a kind of apologetic way before, and I try to be more matter-of-fact about it now. Still doesn't stop the controlled crying type of advice if I ever have a whinge though. I think I have trouble feeling confident about the way I choose to parent, and I wonder sometimes if that's why I'm offered advice - I talk like I'm a bit lost, so people try to help the only way they know how.
Also - I think that the benefits of the 'tough love' parenting are more readily apparent - parents get evenings together, they can go out easily, babysitting is easy etc. The benefits of the more gentle style are harder to notice to the outside observer - more securely attached little people who will hopefully have a really strong foundation to build on for the rest of their lives. When I lose confidence in what I'm doing (which I have been recently), I try to remind myself that this will pay off in the end - for DS and for our relationship with him as he grows up. Thanks for this thread hun - it's reminded me again to try to stay on track.
You are doing a fabulous job with your DD, and she is lucky to have you as her mummy :hug:
I felt much better after reading 'the Science of Parenting' by Margot Sunderland - kind of reminded me why I had chosen the approach I had (in the end, when I hadn't been talked out of it by others...). FWIW Miss 2 and a bit coslept, until she insisted on a bed of her own, was fed to sleep (and sometimes hourly over night) and is now the most confident, stubborn and fiercely independent little girl. Partly personality I know but also I am convinced cos she felt so secure etc.
ETA Actually she is almost a bully.....hmm......lol!!!
Thank you again everyone.
It's good to know I'm not alone. I read somewhere that the controlled crying approach is "short term gain for a long term loss".
A couple of weeks ago I was directed to a thread on another forum which turned into a MASSIVE argument about controlled crying. There was a woman who posted there saying that she was convinced that her teenage son's mental health difficulties are down to the fact that she did controlled crying with him. Made me feel really sad for her. I've worked with teens with mental health difficulties for a long time and when we would take their history, many of them had been subject to controlled crying. Always used to freak me out when I chatted to the parents.
I have varying degrees of confidence. It's just been thrown this week a bit because DD is struggling too. When she is sad I wonder if I'm doing something wrong - but of course I'm not because she has teeth on the way! Wee sausage!
Anyway, that was a bit of a digression.
Thank you again all!
S X
ETA - the Science of Parenting is a permanent fixture on my bedside table! Love that book!
I think sometimes we need to get a leeetle bit of perspective. It's hard when you're sleep deprived I know, but the point of becoming parents isn't to get our children to settle without us so we can return to life as normal. I mean, sure, it's nice to get some sleep, but it isn't really much of a long-term goal.:
*I'm tired. I hit the wrong button and almost deleted most of your post Sue, rather than replying with quote. oops.
very good thread! I feel for you mummasue! I too had just decided to take a break from people in general for much the same reason. My gentle parenting crew are also 'letting the side down' and i am just tired of feeling like a lone ship on the parenting scene! I have just deleted a whole lot of people off facebook and vowed never to discuss any aspect of parenting again! I am keeping it all private now. :( Just so tired of it all.
:hug: MummaSue!
I'm sorry you're not getting the support and advice you need IRL from other mums. I had a few comments here and there, but I was lucky enough to find a few mums within my MG who (for the most part) shared my views on controlled crying. I would share articles with them and we'd talk about how - yes it is hard when you're sleep deprived, but CC just wasn't for us.
DS was a pretty shocking sleeper for quite a long time, but we never let him CIO or did CC. I would never have been able to bring myself to leave him anyway. It feels like it's never going to end - but you know what, DS just slept through one night (about 3 months ago) and has slept though ever since. We never pushed anything, he was ready. He's now able to fall asleep all by himself too, and again, we didn't push it, he did it on his own :).
As DS gets older I'm starting to see the benefits of our gentle parenting approach - he is such a happy, content and affectionate little boy. Some of it is personality of course, but I also think part of it is because he feels so safe and secure and loved - we have never given him a reason to not feel that way.
We're all here to support you :hug:.
problem is most parents think they know much more then you do...it happens @ my playgroup and you just nod and agree and do it you';re way...you know ur child better then anyone else does...trial and error
I actually feel proud for (this time around) being informed enough & strong enough to make my OWN choices as to how I parent.:
I think everyone has a point at which, that's enough. There are mothers who have had to resort to CIO options for their own sanity, that doesn't make them bad mothers. But we are fine doing what we are doing here, and that's ok too, that doesn't make me a crap mother either.
I think it's really poor of them to make fun of it though. If the shoe was on the other foot I wonder how they would feel. Actually they sound like a pack of rude *****es.
Butterfly Warrior posted a beautiful story the other day, a gentle parenting WIN!! If I can find it I will link it.
ETA - here
Just wanted to say that I don't think anyone who has posted in this thread is a rubbish mother. I don't know you all very well but it seems you are doing what you think is best for your child. And that's enough. :hug:
I think sometimes, parents take a line, be it 'gentle' or 'tough love' (hadn't heard CIO or CC referred to that way before!) or something else and talk it up and then they have backed themselves into a corner if it doesn't work, or stops working or only works some of the time. So I think sometimes they rave about their method cause they're known for using it and it becomes too hard to admit it doesn't always work. Sure there are probably lots of CC/CIO experiences that have worked but I would bet you anything you want that at least some of those parents are now lying. Being competitive about parenting is so common, and so boring IMO.
I think its a real shame that your group can't support you and respect your choices more MummaSue. And it's a bigger shame that some of them are also present in another forum (ABA) where you could be accessing support. Why don't you lend them your Science of Parenting book? Or at least rave on about it and tell them to get it out from the library. Don't make reference to CC etc just rave about this great book you've found based on science. It's also ok to inform the advice givers that you just want to vent and aren't really looking for advice but thanks anyway. If you do it nicely it shouldn't burn any bridges and will probably stop future advice too.
I always try to remember that every parent is struggling with something at every developmental stage of their child's life. Maybe not struggling all the time but facing challenges YKWIM? If they're not being challenged by sleep right now then something else is a little difficult, whether they're being honest about it or not. It might be something in themselves or in their child but there is always a challenge. Right now sleep is a challenge for you (and me and others in this thread!) but down the track you will breeze through something else as a parent/child team while they struggle with it. I think it all evens out in the end.
Enjoy your break from the group. xx