My husband & I are fighting because my hospital refused me, & i don't know what to do

im not sure where to put this, and im typing through tears
as some may have read my thread on thursday that my bmi was 1 point over the hospitals limit and after having 5 babies there, they have refused to let me labour there.

So now my husband and i are fighting, origanally, i was going to send off a letter hoping to get my case reviewed, since then i have decided not too, and to just let it be, and go to another hospital, which my husband is against, he is yelling at me, saying i should put my letter in, telling me its all about me, i dontthink of anyone else.

You see i dont drive, my husband drives, so he is going on about driving to another hospital when we have one 5 min down the road, he is going on about having to pay for parking, telling me its my fault im over the bmi, he even told me to drop dead, and why did we have this baby!

yes it is about me, i have to give birth, i need to feel comfortable, there are 2 other hospitals i can go to, 1 i have been told by everyone not to, and thats the one he wants me to go to, cause its better for traffic!

i dont want to go to either, i want to stay where i was comfy, i feel like crap cause i am overweight, i feel like crap cause i cant birth where i want and i feel like crap cause my husband isnt being supportive!

He says he is supportive but he cant be over this, he wants me to fight the decision, i need to move forward, what if i fight it and they say no, then i have wasted time, time moving on, time getting used to the idea im birthing somewhere else.

im angry with him, but then thats me making it all about myself!

My husband really is a great man, he does so much for this family, he is the sole driver, the sole wage earner, and i do understand his frustration, and i know he doesnt mean to take it out on me, i think deap down inside he is just as hurt and as confussed as i am, but his choice of words, his yelling at me, it isnt helping.

i would even consider a home birth, but i cant afford a midwife, and my house isnt always tody, and if the hospital see me as being "high risk" then how am i supposed to bith at home?

i just dont know what to do, im very hurt and confused by all of this right now.

Sorry love I dont have any advice just big hugs :hug:

Awww hun :hug: maybe just give it a little time to settle down and let him have a little think about whats been said
you have to do what makes you comfortable
:comfort:

Go to bed and sleep. Thats the best advice I can give right now Anila. In the end, as long as bubba comes healthy, then its 'all good', so to speak. Rest, and we'll talk tomorrow :)

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i dont want to go to either, i want to stay where i was comfy, i feel like crap cause i am overweight, i feel like crap cause i cant birth where i want and i feel like crap cause my husband isnt being supportive!

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So fight it.
Problem solved.
Lose some weight, which you can do safely while pregnant, and get that 1 BMI point back if you have too.
But fight it. And remove the problem. AND you will birth where you want to.

(Sorry can't be more tactful, on my phone lol :hug:)

Agreed!! The best 2 (but so not the easiest) options here are fight the hospital or lose just that little bit of weight.
If you don't want to go to the other hospitals you shouldn't have to! We can be here to help support you to! You can do it and you can hve your baby in the hospital that you are comfortable in!!!

And your dh May just be scared and as frustrated as you are but it definitely doesn't help does it! :hug:

And massive :hug: to your dh saying hurtful things, I just re read you post... I don't think he meant what he said!!!!! I hope not! Xx
Let us know what happens!

Did they do the bmi on your Pre pg weight or your current weight? If it was your current weight well that's wrong! I was concerned about that with my hossy cause I'd put on weight early on and they said no it's the Pre pg weight they use.

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My husband really is a great man

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Well after what he said to you, it is not his finest hour! He is just being mean, he needs to calm down and think about it. Chosing a hospital purely on because it is better traffic wise is an insult. You deserve to be able to pick where you want to birth, yes it is about YOU. Big squeezy hugs to you hun, I hope your DH has calmed himself this morning and realised what a tool he has made of himself.

Well you can still birth at home. Independent midwives usually don't care what your BMI is - mine has never asked how much I weigh, and nor would she.

As for payment, well some come with payment plans so you could probably pay with the baby bonus after the birth if you asked them?

I'd go with the home birth option, then fighting the hospital where you feel most at peace in. After all, it is your body that has to go through it, so you are the one that has to be comfortable. And if that means you have to lose a little bit of weight, then maybe its worth doing?

:hug: that sux hun. Do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable. And wherever that takes you, go. And :crossfingers:

Consumer Complaints

It's not a helpful link but it says to find the complaints person, ask the hospital switchboard. On another page it says to put the complaint in writing and to do so quickly so they can take action!

Redland Hospital
PO Box 585
Cleveland Q 4163
Fax 3488 3436

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Well you can still birth at home. Independent midwives usually don't care what your BMI is - mine has never asked how much I weigh, and nor would she.

As for payment, well some come with payment plans so you could probably pay with the baby bonus after the birth if you asked them?

I'd go with the home birth option, then fighting the hospital where you feel most at peace in. After all, it is your body that has to go through it, so you are the one that has to be comfortable. And if that means you have to lose a little bit of weight, then maybe its worth doing?

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agree 100%!

seriously, find the cash, do what you gotta do. for us, going for a HB solved all the problems and is, in all honesty, the most respectful way for everyone to bring a baby into the world.

Your BMI with an IM is of no concern because they are there totally for you. they are able to be there at a moments notice and they check you so thoroughly at every appt. this is just something that a hossy cannot do due to numbers and time restraints at appts. oh, and HB makes all those appts awesome as you dont need to drag kids around everywhere....they can play at home while you get seen by the IM :)

Maybe write the letter, complain and if you wanted, lose a bit of weight (that sounded horrible, but it wasn't meant to! Honest! :))... That way, you've put up a fight, of sorts, and if it's still rejected, least you've made an effort.

itms. Best of luck xx

Just offering some hugs hun...

The support of my DH is more important to me than anything, I'm impressed that he is also taking a 'driving role' in the birth of your bubba as so many guys tend to fall into the background with the 'yes dear, no dear' approach. But at the same point, you don't need anymore stress. Rock and a hard place eh?

Would it make a difference if you tried to lose a few kg's? Or now they've made up their mind that is it, is it? If you've still got a shot try to sneak in a daily walk or something else you like to do activity wise perhaps...big hugs hun!

xoxox

Big hugs sweetie, what a stressful time for you ATM! I hope you got some good rest hun. I think you should write this letter, because by the sounds of it both you and your hubby want to go to the hossy you've already given birth to all your babies. And it's nice and close too. One point over is so silly, they should allow you to birth there IMO. What do the hossy want you to do? You are pg for goodness sake, so your weight will be going up, what weight do they want you to be?????? Seriously, appeal the hossy's decision and fight it. I would, and then at least you're doing something about it and hopefully your hubby will see that you're fighting it and you're not taking it laying down. I think deep down he is feeling angry at how you are being treated & is taking it out on you!

Let us know how you go hun and please try not to stress too much.

B xoxoxoxo

:hug: I have been in your position not so long ago.
I made sure my weight stayed within the allowed BMI's, as I would be sent to hospy 2hrs away.

I would lose some weight or fight hospy, but also I would consider Home Birth. I looked into that also when I was in the same position.

:hug: Take care hun xo

It does sound like he needs a it of a cool down preiod to let him digest whats going on. That doesn't change the fact that he was really quite hurtful with some of the things he said you sweet :hug:.

Yes I still think as the others have said you still have 2 options: try & work on your BMI between now & then; & write your letter of complaint about how they treated you.

But he is the father of your child....so what's wrong with him helping you to stand up for yourself & bub with the hospital???? Why does it have to be solely your responsibility? He could've written the letter complaining about how his wife was treated.

:hug:

Give your DH a big kick up the bum for me. Tell him to write the letter and start the complaint process if he is soo determined you should. I understand that when you are that far along it can all get to be a bit too much, and takes so much time and energy fighting something - even if you do feel that some part of you does want to fight it. As for his complaint about being the driver - boohoo - tell him to try being the passenger when you are in labour: it is no walk in the park.

:hug:

I hope you get a resolution to all of this soon.

ill make this quick as im on hubbys comp and his key board doesnt work properly, ill follow up on my comp later
the hospital already told ,me even if i loose weight they wont take me
hubby said sorry, said he is stressed which i knew and said he didnt say very nice things
but still says this is all 1 sided and i only think bout myself
and i cant afford the homebirth as the bbay bonus is being used to buy a second car :(

i dont feel like myself anymore, i have lost the happy person i once was, i just want me back
hubby says he doesnt like this fighting all becasue of the hospital

will be back with more later

Well what sort of an apology is that!? Just forget about what he is up to. As for buying a second car on the Baby bonus, why does he need two, you can only drive one at a time, and the $5000 is paid fortnightly.

I would say why not just investigate Home birth as an option as they others have suggested, and I would just ignore your hubby and keep putting yourself first, after all you have another little person on board there at the moment.

Just take one step at a time, call the complaints person at Redlands, or write. Explain more about your personal situation as well, and say you really need their help. They should then get on board with assisting you. I know at the RBWH they said to call them for ANYTHING, including seeing a social worker about my relationship and that they would organise one to mediate between my partner and I, as he has OCD issues.

If you're going to complain then start off by knowing the facts. Get a copy of the policy. It seems wrong to me that they are saying that EVEN IF you lose weight, they will not take you. Getting a copy of the policy should help with knowing whether they can actually do this or not.

Don't write a complaint before getting hold of the policy.

I think do nothing for a few days and see how you feel then.

I do think it's completely do-able to lose weight if you make some dietary changes. I was not able to exercise through my pregnancy at all because I couldn't walk due to SPD and had to use a wheelchair for anything more than 50 metres. I also had gestational diabetes but only put on 3kg throughout the entire pregnancy so really and truly, it is completely possible.

I am sorry you are going through this.

As for your weight, One BMI point is difficult to "just lose" even for someone who is not pregnant and you need to concentrate on your health and your baby's health. If you concentrate on eating healthy and light exercise (nothing too drastic) and you lose weight thats ok, but concentrating on weight loss while you're growing a baby could be a total head wreck.

See if you can get an assessment at your hospital for the risks for YOU, BMI is a rubbish measure of weight, most personal trainers at the gym are obese due to muscle mass.
The main reason they are starting to institute these policies are due to risks in theatre. Ask if you can have a anaesthetic appointment so they can look at your airway etc. It may be that they don't think its as much of a problem as this flawed number seems to indicate. At the very least you'll get a better explanation of their side of things which might help a little.
If you do go down the "talk to the hospital route, arm yourself with as much information as possible, a copy of the policy is a good idea with a repsonse from you, maybe an IM could help you with this?"
If your DH is anything like mine, if you keep him up to date with how you are and how hard this is for you, he may just need some processing time. BUt I hope he comes through with a real apology and support soon.

Take care and I hope you can find a solution that suits everyone.
x

emc- we need the second car because we only have a 7 seater and this baby will make us a family of 8 :)

fiona- thats what i was trying to do, just leave it a few days not think about it, but he wants me to send of this letter, and its wasnt a complaint letter, i was just asking to have my case be reviwed, but he wants me to complain.

Polly, i worked out that being over the bmi by 1 point, ment it was 5-6 kilos, and they took my bmi at 16 weeks pregnant, so not fair!

i was trying to come to terms with this, just accept the hospitals decision, but it seems to have divided my husband and myself, its shouldnt be like this, we are supposed to be enjoying this baby, not fighting cause the hospital wont let me bith there

OK, why don't you try to buy yourself some time and tell him you want to get a copy of the policy before complaining because you need to know whether you're complaining about their interpretation of the policy or the policy itself.

Messaged you on FB, but wanted to show support here too.

This is about you. Duh! Its Not him going through labour.

ETA: My DH had to drive me an hour down the freeway in labour when there was a hospital 5 minutes up the road because I was categorised as high risk. So yeah, speaking from experience here.

Im sorry but I just dont see how he can blame you for it being one-sided. It wasn't your choice to not birth at this hospital, the hospital has forced you to look at other options. You didn't get pregnant on your own, he made that choice along side you hun. And now when it comes to the crunch, when your already stressed out about it, for him to put that all back on you???? I know he is probably the sweetest guy under other circumstances, but in this circumstance he's behaved a bit selfishly & hasn't offered much support for you when you needed it.
He's stressed? Well thats nice, but you're the one that all of this has been inflicted on to begin with.

What Im trying to say is this is not your fault, you haven't made this one-sided at all. So don't you go feeling guilty about making him stress. He's a big boy he can handle it himself!
You do what you have to do & look after that bubba's mum first!

Oh hon :hug: that totally sucks. Others have suggested it and I agree, if you really want to birth at that hospital maybe you could loose that little bit of weight. Many woman have to watch what they are eating if they had GD and because of that they don't gain weight or loose some so I'm sure you could too. You've got plenty of time to give it a go anyway. If the other hospital really isn't a problem then maybe your husband will just have to get used to it. Is traffic really the problem? It seems a little irrational to me? Unless you pop your babies out in 30 mins than I don't see what the worry is to drive a little further. So sorry you are having the drama xoxo

Sorry hon, just saw your post about the hospital not accepting you even if you do loose the weight. Maybe you can find out if the hospital policy is to not birth woman of a certain weight on the day they labour or if it's a case of a woman being a certain BMI at 17 week etc Surely there is a loop hole?

Like I said Hun they shouldn't have taken your BMI at 16 weeks!! I think you'd be able to fight it on those grounds.

when i rang the hospital to confirm the bmi, the midwife basiclly yelled down the ph at me, said that the bmi is taken at time of book in and thats what they go with.

but in my other thread, i was 15 weeks and bmi of 47 3 yrs ago and birthed there, this time i was 16 weeks bmi of 46, the only thing that changed was the head of o & g, so i think he changed the bmi, cause i was told told 3 yrs ago it was 49, but when i rang to confirm, all they would tell me was that it was 45 and has been for yrs!

but non of that helps the fighting with hubby.
i know he will calm down, i understand this is not what he wanted

Anila, i couldnt read and not post cause this is p***ing me off!!
not you lol or anyone here but that building built called a hospital...

How dare they do this and treat you like this.... who the h*** do these people think they are?
i would take it further stuff them!! You have birthed there previously and now your just another number? so sad...
You mentioned you birthed there and your BMI was 47 and now your 46 and they are refusing?
Do you have that info anymore? cause that would be a great document to throw in their face and also request a copy of your records to show it obviously hasnt been like this for years...

I would say yeah loose weight but its hard and im not one to say do something that i know is hard when your not pregnant so i couldnt imagine while pregnant..
I think your DH is p***ed that everything has become chaotic but still doesnt excuse him for being so disrespectful...anger or no anger that is no way to talk to the mother of your children and ecspecially while carrying one of them too..
Tell him keep his willy in his pants and satisfy himself next time if thats the case.
And this is definently about YOU!!! the whole thing is about you and will be till you birth that baby.. its not an easy job.. and for a hospital that is meant to be supporting their patients they are doing a great job of ruining a persons life and home life..

Babe chin up and smile, no one or anything will ever change whats happening inside of you, and the idiots that are ruining your precious time, well lets say karma is a b****...
xoxox

I just posted this in my other thread, thought id re post it here too.....
and hubby and i are doing better too :)

So just when i had given in and taken a deap breath and accepted the hospital decision, made peace with myself and decided to go to another hospital, i get a call from the social worker at the hospital...

She is going to be my advocate, she said she is behind me 200% and is going to try and help me get my answers and get my case reviwed!! Im excited, i know i cant get my hopes up because they can say no, but to finally have someone on my side, someone to help me actaully speak up, i am just so greatful!!

We are meeting on friday to discuss things, meanwhile she has requested that i see my file, so i have to go to records and request a copy from 3 years ago, she is also meeting with the dietition, and told me not to book into another hospital till we get to the 36 week mark and then put preasure on the drs!!!

So i have to work really hard to try to loose a few kilos, and make sure my mind stays in a positive frame!!

Thanks to everyone on bb, i shall keep u all informed

thats positive to have someone on your side within the hospital. Hape all goes well and you can birth where you want to.

I'm glad you've got someone on your side there.

Hoping that you get what you want xxx

Thats great news! Must take the pressure off. Let us know how you go on Friday.