I've wanted to ask for a while now...

Hopefully this doesn't upset anyone but I really want to ask.

I know quite a few women in BB have lost angels but don't have it in their ticker. I always feel a bit weird seeing it in my own ticker and want to delete it. I just don't want it to define me (not really sure how to word this). It's important, it happened, it hurt, but I just don't want it to become me.

I really don't mean that people who do have angels in their ticker are responding incorrectly to loss, this is just how I am feeling about my own loss. I guess we all respond differently but I never want to offend those who manage differently. Maybe I am still in denial because I never wanted to be TTCAML and still don't.

Please please please I hope this isn't offensive, I just want to know how this has worked out for others.

Thanks all.

xoxo
M

Um, I can't see where the question is? I'll answer what I think it is anyway :) I have mine in my sig because they now have names, I didn't have them there before. For me, that's because the pic is of an angel and I don't believe mine are, so it didn't quite fit for me. I've mentioend it in the text sometimes, but it just depends on how I'm feeling.

I understand what you're saying about it defining you though, and I don't think there's anything wrong either way - do what makes YOU happy :)

I have mine in my sig (was a ticker) because being a Mummy is really important to me. Not saying it's not to anyone else but When my babies died I lost my Mummy status in the general population and here is a safe place to display it and say "Look, I AM a Mummy' That being said, I had a m/c at 19 and thats not in my sig.. I just don't feel the need to have it there.. I guess it's like people having anything in their sig, like parenting choices (cloth bummed etc).. It's what they want people to know at the time in a short 5 line space..

I also understand what you mean by defining you though, and for me, I don't think my grief 'defines' me anymore (It did at 1st) but I still want it known that I am a Mummy.. Also I have their website and montage links because I guess, not only am I proud to show off my bubs, but I want to get awareness out there. I know how much it helped me to know I wasn't alone.. If someone new joins BB, maybe they know someone or will know someone in the future that will lose a baby (or they might) and they can look at me and draw things from my experience..I hope I make sense..

I don't think anyone is right or wrong for what they have in their sig..

Funny you type this as I often think...'I wonder if that makes me different because I don't want them there'.
I have lost more babies than I have carried, and while they are a part of me and a part of my TTC, I dunno, I just don't need them in my ticker. That sounds so heartless when I type but it isn't.
Sometimes I feel like I need to justify my response in the M&L threads because many people here don't know my history and it isn't advertised, but hey, that's my silly hangup lol.

I know what you mean about the TTCAMAL too.

I had one loss at 10 weeks and had a little angel in my signature for a while but removed it. I'm not sure why.

Keike, I just wanted to say that I love the names you have chosen for your bubs.

Thank you Tinsel :)

I had one loss before DD. I have never put an angel in my ticker. It doesn't make it any less there in my heart, it doesn't make me forget, I just don't feel it needs to be there, for me. I totally understand those who have them, and I support them totally, but if you don't want the angel there, it doesn't take the memory away, it doesn't mean you don't feel anything, it just means that you don't have an angel in your ticker. :hug:

I don't have any children in my sig (or angels). I like people to get to know me by talking to me, not just by reading my signature. :) I'm a bit like that though. But I totally understand why people have theirs in their sigs.

I don't have an angel ticker but I do have them in my signature.

I have them there because they are a part of my life and the sole reason I came to BB in the first place. BB is the only place I can "acknowledge" ALL of my lost babies and not just my first born daughter.

Here in BB noone ever says to me "it was just a clump of cells that stopped forming" but they do IRL, the people here support the loss as a loss regardless of if was 4 weeks or 24 weeks ........ no where else does that happen in my life.

My losses do not define me, Nikita's does a little but the others don't, however they have helped shape the type of mother I am and will continue to be again BB is the only place I have where there are others "like me".

HTH somewhat

I don't have my loss in my signature either. If I'm honest the only reason I remember the month it happened is because my 12 week ultrasound was scheduled for my sister's EDD. It's not that I didn't mourn, I did. In fact it was one of the hardest things I have ever been through and I mourned for a long time, but I have a permanent reminder in the form of a tattoo and it has honestly never occurred to me to put my loss in my sig.

i have my DD in my sig, i have all my kids in there... I dont know if it is jsut something that i am going through right now but being a mummy defines me and to a certain extent my grief for my DD defines the mummy that i am ...
And all that aside she is my DD i birthed her, i held her and i kissed her goodbye so if the other kids belong there i feel that she does too!

But if you feel that you dont want to put your LO in your sig that is cool too... we all handle things differently and i am sure there is no one on here that would think you took it out because you didnt care or you didnt want to remember!

i guess that was a really long way to say.. Do what makes you happy lol

I have mine in my sig. I guess it never occured to me to not do it - but I feel like I need it there. I recently wrote a thread about how I'm still grieving, how this loss is affecting everything I do lately. So I guess it is defining me at the moment. I might take it off later but I need it there right now.

I guess another part of it is that pretty soon most people IRL are going to forget this happened, forget I had another baby on the way. So maybe I also have it there so it's not forgotten. Don't know but you have certainly made me think :D

:hug: you do what you feel is right & you won't be wrong.

I have my angels in my sig because they were and still are a part of me. My whole family is listed and they are part of my family.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13

I have never considered putting my early loss in my ticker, and it's actually something I was worrying about and discussed with my psych. I have considered the loss, I have rationalised it in my mind, and that I am aware of it happening yet don't grieve is just part of me.

FWIW, I've also held off on early testing as I didn't want to know of any chemical pregnancies.

I have always kept mine in my sig as some of the others have said - I don't want it forgotten as nobody acknowledges that baby IRL.

Just wanted to add - I really miss my baby and I only knew about it for a few weeks..

i have my angel in my sig, but to be honest i have it there because i feel like i have to....

id rather not have the constant reminder of trauma of that week leading up to DS's arrival but it doesnt seem right to delete it even though id rather not see it everytime i post...

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i have my angel in my sig, but to be honest i have it there because i feel like i have to....

id rather not have the constant reminder of trauma of that week leading up to DS's arrival but it doesnt seem right to delete it even though id rather not see it everytime i post...

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It's such a personal thing, I think what this thread shows is that there is no right or wrong way to remember a loss. If it hurts you to see yours remembered in your signature it's ok to remove it.

I have always put mine in my sig because they are a part of what makes me who I am today, I wouldn't be the person I am without them and that is a big thing for me.
I also spent years holding it all inside with no one to talk to about them, and no one in my family ever acknowledges them either, like it's a taboo subject (they do the same to my aunt and uncle who lost their little girl at almost 19wks in 2004), and I still don't have many people in RL who aren't on the forum who will listen when I feel the need to talk... I guess I am still greiving - I know I am still greiving a lot for my first angel anyway, somehow he is much more important to me than any of the others are/were - and it stops me from forgetting all the ones that I don't think of very often.

Everyone feels things differently, and deals with things in different ways - it was one of my ways of dealing.

because monkey is my son,just the same as moo and squid are my daughters. i would feel like i was trying to forget him if i didnt have him in my signature

Im with CheezleMonster on this one at the moment. My losses are there because they define who I am at the moment, on the inside anyway. I feel like here is the only place where I can openly acknowledge that they existed and are still important to me. I may remove them from my sig one day, but now is not that time for me.

I've never questioned this. I used to have more information alongside the angel in my sig, but now just have the month and year. It was part of my journey as a mother and it feels right for me to acknowledge my first pregnancy in that way. It has shaped the person/mother I am today, but I don't feel it defines me.

Same as Tuesday's Child. My angels are part of my journey and I used to have more info beside them, now just the month and year. A couple of times I've thought about removing them, but it didn't feel right. However, I totally understand those that don't have their kids and/or their angels in their sig.

I have mine in my sig because of the connection between DD2 (they were twins) and it reminds my how strong she was because she held on for dear life every day and it is still quite fresh........ I'm not ready to forget and I probably won't ever....

Crumpet I find by not having the little :angel: makes it a little more subtle, it is completely up to you hun xxoo

Very interesting thread, it's something I've often thought about myself. I've had two early losses and choose not to make a note of them in my sig as, tbh (and I know this might sound quite cold), I just don't grieve over them the way most mums do. I actually have cried many more tears over the losses of friends and acquaintances than I ever have over my own m/c's :/

My losses were very early, and were unplanned pg's so I just wasn't heartbroken when they ended... I cried a bit, decided it probably happened for a good reason, and chose to continue to define myself by the mother I am to the living babies I have - one of which would certainly not have been here had my second pregnancy resulted in a baby. That's just me - I feel very deeply for my friends and others who lose little ones, whether it be at 5 weeks, 20 weeks or 40 weeks, but for my own reasons, I try not to spend too much time and energy on 'what ifs' for myself.
I feel like 'advertising' my m/c's in my sig is somehow taking away from the very real and valid grief that other mums feel over their losses, so I choose not to note them. Obviously I would probably feel much differently about things if the losses were later in the pregnancy, or if more people had been aware of them... but for me, at those early stages, it was just a little hiccup and we moved forward and tried to be grateful for the good instead of getting hung up on the bad. (Not at all saying that I think anybody else should apply my feelings to their situations - this is just ME that I'm talking about, and as I've said, I've shed many tears over the losses of friends but barely thought about my own after it's happened.)

If people talk to me about m/c, I am more than happy to share my stories and talk about my feelings, but only a very few IRL friends know and I've never told my parents - more to save them the trouble of feeling sad about something they can't fix. I don't recall dates and never worked out EDDs etc so luckily I never go through the trauma of anticipating a sad anniversary, I prefer to forget about them and just focus on the blessings that I have, the happiness that my kids bring me.
Just my personal take on my own situation, obviously - I have the utmost respect for those who grieve for their lost little ones and for those who choose to honour their memories by sharing just a little piece of their story in their sigs.
*hugs*

I don't have my m/c in my sig. I had a blighted ovum in late Dec 2009 - I felt awful at the time but never really considered I had lost a "baby" IYKWIM? Maybe I am in denial? Anyways, within a fortnight of the d&c I conceived Rose. So something beautiful came from my misfortune.

I know to some an early m/c is a baby. I am sure that if my first pg ended in a blighted ovum it would have felt like a baby, even at 3 or 4 weeks. I thought of both my first two in that way, before the blighted ovum changed me. But to me, having already had two children, the m/c I experienced felt like I had been cheated out of having a baby when I wanted one, rather than actually a baby itself.

So I guess I am saying I don't it in my sig because it would be somehow disrespectful to those who have lost "babies", whatever the age, 3 weeks or 3 months or 3 trimesters. Plus I know people who have had babies who are born sleeping - I just don't class my loss as anywhere near the same ballpark of grief.

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Plus I know people who have had babies who are born sleeping - I just don't class my loss as anywhere near the same ballpark of grief.

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Thanks, I guess I feel a bit of this too.

Thanks everyone for sharing, there really is no right or wrong and I'm not going to question anyone's sig...I guess moreso wanted to work through why I didn't really want an angel in mine.

For me personally they come and go. I mostly have them there so someone who may be new the the forum and looking for a kindred ear to talk to about miscarriage, or even recurrent miscarriage, can find me without having to make a 'Help me anyone?' post about it which might be confronting for them. They can just pm me and go from there.

Because I pushed him out, I've seen his little face and he's mine. The same as Jack.
I don't really have Jayvan there for anyone else, just because he's mine.

There was a question my SIL and I were pondering only a couple of weeks ago. Well mostly me, I won't dob her in XD We both lost babies at the same gestation, and we're sort of stuck in a middle category... We aren't "miscarriages" and we aren't "stillbirths" i find it frustrating :redface: because IRL I feel like I can't speak from the point of view of having been thru two labours because on some weird plane I feel like jayvan doesn't count to others as an experience of birth and motherhood...
I can't really explain what I mean... But it is annoying a petty as it seems.

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I don't have an angel ticker but I do have them in my signature.

I have them there because they are a part of my life and the sole reason I came to BB in the first place. BB is the only place I can "acknowledge" ALL of my lost babies and not just my first born daughter.

Here in BB noone ever says to me "it was just a clump of cells that stopped forming" but they do IRL, the people here support the loss as a loss regardless of if was 4 weeks or 24 weeks ........ no where else does that happen in my life.

My losses do not define me, Nikita's does a little but the others don't, however they have helped shape the type of mother I am and will continue to be again BB is the only place I have where there are others "like me".

HTH somewhat

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I have mine in both my signature & my Avatar. At this stage I feel the need to have it there, I think partly because no where else in my life does it feel like my loss truly recognised or respected except here on BB.

But like everyone else had said it's entirely your choice & I can completely understand not having it there dahl.

I too have lost more babies then I have carried, at times they have been in my ticker, other times, like now, not. My girls also both have special needs sometimes I may write this in my ticker, sometimes it is nice to keep this to myself. I think it really depends on where I am in life as to what I feel the need to share.

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So I guess I am saying I don't it in my sig because it would be somehow disrespectful to those who have lost "babies", whatever the age, 3 weeks or 3 months or 3 trimesters. Plus I know people who have had babies who are born sleeping - I just don't class my loss as anywhere near the same ballpark of grief.

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I am appreciate this comment but I wanted to say one very important thing about it. *My Own Thoughts/Feelings* I have had 3 MC and lost 1 Baby (as in fully formed kicking breathing crying baby) Whilest losing her was THE most painful thing I have done and my 3 little unknowns cannot compare, it DOESN'T mean that someone elses pain of an early loss is any less important just because it was not fully formed or carried as long.

Maybe I am too soft, but as I have said elsewhere, a Loss of any kind is devastating its still a piece of you, a small part of your heart, hopes and dreams for the future that has been taken away and cannot be replaced. Whether that be 4 weeks or 24 weeks or full term.

I honestly can see how people feel the way I do and I too do feel MY mc were less significant to the loss of MY daughter BUT who am I to compare that to someone elses? Who am I to say someone else who grieves, as I have done for Nikita, over a 6 week developing baby doesn't have the right because it was so early?

If you feel this way thats ok, there is no right or wrong, but I would HATE for someone I knew to not feel like their world has been turned upside down over a 6week mc JUST because I lost a baby. I have comforted a friend who in the depths of her despair over losing her looooooooong waited *baby* (blighted ovum) actually say that she felt bad because I had lost a real baby ........ that feels awful, comparing her grief to mine made me feel like crap.

It may be a different kind of grieving and my own personal experience is that it is very different between MY mc and baby loss but nonetheless each was worthy of the feels and worthy of acknowledgement.

These are just my personal thoughts though everyone is different and there absolutely no right or wrong :D

I can honestly say that my heart breaks every time I see another mother posting a loss, regardless of how far the baby delevops because I know how my losses have affected me to my very depths.

Nae x x

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Originally Posted by Roryrory

So I guess I am saying I don't it in my sig because it would be somehow disrespectful to those who have lost "babies", whatever the age, 3 weeks or 3 months or 3 trimesters. Plus I know people who have had babies who are born sleeping - I just don't class my loss as anywhere near the same ballpark of grief.

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I am appreciate this comment but I wanted to say one very important thing about it. *My Own Thoughts/Feelings* I have had 3 MC and lost 1 Baby (as in fully formed kicking breathing crying baby) Whilest losing her was THE most painful thing I have done and my 3 little unknowns cannot compare, it DOESN'T mean that someone elses pain of an early loss is any less important just because it was not fully formed or carried as long.

Maybe I am too soft, but as I have said elsewhere, a Loss of any kind is devastating its still a piece of you, a small part of your heart, hopes and dreams for the future that has been taken away and cannot be replaced. Whether that be 4 weeks or 24 weeks or full term.

I honestly can see how people feel the way I do and I too do feel MY mc were less significant to the loss of MY daughter BUT who am I to compare that to someone elses? Who am I to say someone else who grieves, as I have done for Nikita, over a 6 week developing baby doesn't have the right because it was so early?

If you feel this way thats ok, there is no right or wrong, but I would HATE for someone I knew to not feel like their world has been turned upside down over a 6week mc JUST because I lost a baby. I have comforted a friend who in the depths of her despair over losing her looooooooong waited *baby* (blighted ovum) actually say that she felt bad because I had lost a real baby ........ that feels awful, comparing her grief to mine made me feel like crap.

It may be a different kind of grieving and my own personal experience is that it is very different between MY mc and baby loss but nonetheless each was worthy of the feels and worthy of acknowledgement.

These are just my personal thoughts though everyone is different and there absolutely no right or wrong

I can honestly say that my heart breaks every time I see another mother posting a loss, regardless of how far the baby delevops because I know how my losses have affected me to my very depths.

Nae x x

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I sooooo could have written that post! I agree, it's all relative to your experiences and what you have been through.. Looking back after losing the twins my M/C was nothing in comparison, but at the time, I was devastated. And if I had a M/C now, I think it would be magnified by the fact I have had a M/C, lost the twins then took so long to fall pg again.. Everyone has the right to grieve over the loss of a baby at any gestation.. From the moment a lot of us find out we are pregnant, we start making plans, and with each loss, we lose a bit of what our future was going to be like and that is hard...

NaeNae and Blessed, both of your posts are exactly what I was getting at earlier, in a way - m/c and reactions to it are so intensely personal. My reaction to mine would have been so different had it been my first child, of that I am certain. And it is amazing how a m/c can affect future pregnancies - I didn't "allow" myself to love Rose in utero until 21 weeks, yet with both my boths I spoke of them as my babies (and wrote to them both in diaries) from the moment of conception.

Interesting thread.

I've lost 3 angels now. 1 at 17. 1 at 19. My 3rd just last year.

I've never really acknowledged the first 2 losses as my pregnancies were frowned upon by my family and I never felt emotionally supported therefore I didnt have the confidence nor maturity i guess to mourn my babies loss.

As for acknowledging them in my signature.... For me, I think there came a time where I had done the majority of my grieving and was ready to move forward. I feel that there is no need to "broadcast" the fact that I have lost 3 babies and would rather keep them in a special place in my heart where I can always remember them and cherish the small time we had to together.

Just because they arent there (in my signature) doesnt mean that I have forgotten them or left them behind....They are apart of me...body and soul...They will live on in me forever.

So I guess its really a personal decision....

The reason I have my angels in my ticker is because I felt they mattered and I don't want them forgotten.. for me in every day life I am fine and I was even at the time except for the initial finding out.. but I look on the positive side of things and if I hadn't lost those babies DS2 and 3 wouldn't be here. kwim??

but I also feel guilty if I don't think of them or if I forget dates which is silly in a way so in my own way putting them in my ticker makes me feel as though I have acknowledged them

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The reason I have my angels in my ticker is because I felt they mattered and I don't want them forgotten.. for me in every day life I am fine and I was even at the time except for the initial finding out.. but I look on the positive side of things and if I hadn't lost those babies DS2 and 3 wouldn't be here. kwim??

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This is how I feel. Although it took me a long time to be fine, I feel my angel mattered. I struggled for a long time denying my grief because my head kept telling me it was ridiculous to feel so devastated over something so small. But a loss is a loss is a loss. Acknowledging my angel played a huge part for me in coming to terms with it. BB is the only place where I acknowledge it somewhat publicly on a daily basis.

My m/c also provided me with a huge opportunity for growth and learning. I have learnt to trust my instincts and to be kind to myself (although I do forget sometimes). Acknowledging the loss also acknowledges the lessons learned.

I have the twins in mine because when I mentioned them in some posts etc, people would question what I was talking about. It just means I don't have to preface any post I make in the MAL forums with "I once was pregnant with twins but lost them etc etc".

They don't define me, they do effect me sometimes and that loss has shaped how I view pregnancy, miscarriage, loss and my daughters now, but how they have done that is not something I can, nor will, explain to anyone really, that is mine alone.

I only recently put my ticker as Katy's birthday because I felt the older we got and more kids we had she was being forgotten by the rest of the world if taht makes sense and I want her to remembered

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I only recently put my ticker as Katy's birthday because I felt the older we got and more kids we had she was being forgotten by the rest of the world if taht makes sense and I want her to remembered

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Makes perfect sense Rach :hug:.

Comes and goes. Sometimes I don't want to see that reminder, and other times the connection is so intense that I feel like I need it to be there.

I have to confess to feeling comfort when I see others' sigs with angels, a sense of "they get me"

As for grieving, I think there's far more to it than how far along you are when it happens. A loss at 4w2d when you've been trying for two years, well, I imagine that to be really hard. Whereas an unplanned pregnancy lost at 9 weeks might not be so difficult. (I say that because it happened to a friend and she barely batted an eyelid) But I honestly couldn't say.

A counsellor said something to me once - "you POAS in the morning, you get two lines, and by the afternoon you've worked out what school they're going to. A m/c changes that; it alters the course of the next 20 years the way you'd planned it. So you have to grieve accordingly." And when I think of that, then my sadness feels validated.