I've wanted to ask for a while now...

[skybie]

because monkey is my son,just the same as moo and squid are my daughters. i would feel like i was trying to forget him if i didnt have him in my signature

[Diamond Girl]

Im with CheezleMonster on this one at the moment. My losses are there because they define who I am at the moment, on the inside anyway. I feel like here is the only place where I can openly acknowledge that they existed and are still important to me. I may remove them from my sig one day, but now is not that time for me.

[Tuesday's Child]

I've never questioned this. I used to have more information alongside the angel in my sig, but now just have the month and year. It was part of my journey as a mother and it feels right for me to acknowledge my first pregnancy in that way. It has shaped the person/mother I am today, but I don't feel it defines me.

[*suz1*]

Same as Tuesday's Child. My angels are part of my journey and I used to have more info beside them, now just the month and year. A couple of times I've thought about removing them, but it didn't feel right. However, I totally understand those that don't have their kids and/or their angels in their sig.

[*Beema*]

I have mine in my sig because of the connection between DD2 (they were twins) and it reminds my how strong she was because she held on for dear life every day and it is still quite fresh........ I'm not ready to forget and I probably won't ever....

Crumpet I find by not having the little makes it a little more subtle, it is completely up to you hun xxoo

[Glamourcide]

Very interesting thread, it's something I've often thought about myself. I've had two early losses and choose not to make a note of them in my sig as, tbh (and I know this might sound quite cold), I just don't grieve over them the way most mums do. I actually have cried many more tears over the losses of friends and acquaintances than I ever have over my own m/c's :/

My losses were very early, and were unplanned pg's so I just wasn't heartbroken when they ended... I cried a bit, decided it probably happened for a good reason, and chose to continue to define myself by the mother I am to the living babies I have - one of which would certainly not have been here had my second pregnancy resulted in a baby. That's just me - I feel very deeply for my friends and others who lose little ones, whether it be at 5 weeks, 20 weeks or 40 weeks, but for my own reasons, I try not to spend too much time and energy on 'what ifs' for myself.
I feel like 'advertising' my m/c's in my sig is somehow taking away from the very real and valid grief that other mums feel over their losses, so I choose not to note them. Obviously I would probably feel much differently about things if the losses were later in the pregnancy, or if more people had been aware of them... but for me, at those early stages, it was just a little hiccup and we moved forward and tried to be grateful for the good instead of getting hung up on the bad. (Not at all saying that I think anybody else should apply my feelings to their situations - this is just ME that I'm talking about, and as I've said, I've shed many tears over the losses of friends but barely thought about my own after it's happened.)

If people talk to me about m/c, I am more than happy to share my stories and talk about my feelings, but only a very few IRL friends know and I've never told my parents - more to save them the trouble of feeling sad about something they can't fix. I don't recall dates and never worked out EDDs etc so luckily I never go through the trauma of anticipating a sad anniversary, I prefer to forget about them and just focus on the blessings that I have, the happiness that my kids bring me.
Just my personal take on my own situation, obviously - I have the utmost respect for those who grieve for their lost little ones and for those who choose to honour their memories by sharing just a little piece of their story in their sigs.
*hugs*

[Roryrory]

I don't have my m/c in my sig. I had a blighted ovum in late Dec 2009 - I felt awful at the time but never really considered I had lost a "baby" IYKWIM? Maybe I am in denial? Anyways, within a fortnight of the d&c I conceived Rose. So something beautiful came from my misfortune.

I know to some an early m/c is a baby. I am sure that if my first pg ended in a blighted ovum it would have felt like a baby, even at 3 or 4 weeks. I thought of both my first two in that way, before the blighted ovum changed me. But to me, having already had two children, the m/c I experienced felt like I had been cheated out of having a baby when I wanted one, rather than actually a baby itself.

So I guess I am saying I don't it in my sig because it would be somehow disrespectful to those who have lost "babies", whatever the age, 3 weeks or 3 months or 3 trimesters. Plus I know people who have had babies who are born sleeping - I just don't class my loss as anywhere near the same ballpark of grief.

[Maruschke]

Plus I know people who have had babies who are born sleeping - I just don't class my loss as anywhere near the same ballpark of grief.

Thanks, I guess I feel a bit of this too.

Thanks everyone for sharing, there really is no right or wrong and I'm not going to question anyone's sig...I guess moreso wanted to work through why I didn't really want an angel in mine.

[Freya]

For me personally they come and go. I mostly have them there so someone who may be new the the forum and looking for a kindred ear to talk to about miscarriage, or even recurrent miscarriage, can find me without having to make a 'Help me anyone?' post about it which might be confronting for them. They can just pm me and go from there.

[helle]

Because I pushed him out, I've seen his little face and he's mine. The same as Jack.
I don't really have Jayvan there for anyone else, just because he's mine.

There was a question my SIL and I were pondering only a couple of weeks ago. Well mostly me, I won't dob her in XD We both lost babies at the same gestation, and we're sort of stuck in a middle category... We aren't "miscarriages" and we aren't "stillbirths" i find it frustrating because IRL I feel like I can't speak from the point of view of having been thru two labours because on some weird plane I feel like jayvan doesn't count to others as an experience of birth and motherhood...
I can't really explain what I mean... But it is annoying a petty as it seems.

[lissy]

I don't have an angel ticker but I do have them in my signature.

I have them there because they are a part of my life and the sole reason I came to BB in the first place. BB is the only place I can "acknowledge" ALL of my lost babies and not just my first born daughter.

Here in BB noone ever says to me "it was just a clump of cells that stopped forming" but they do IRL, the people here support the loss as a loss regardless of if was 4 weeks or 24 weeks ........ no where else does that happen in my life.

My losses do not define me, Nikita's does a little but the others don't, however they have helped shape the type of mother I am and will continue to be again BB is the only place I have where there are others "like me".

HTH somewhat

I have mine in both my signature & my Avatar. At this stage I feel the need to have it there, I think partly because no where else in my life does it feel like my loss truly recognised or respected except here on BB.

But like everyone else had said it's entirely your choice & I can completely understand not having it there dahl.

[DaintreeDream]

I too have lost more babies then I have carried, at times they have been in my ticker, other times, like now, not. My girls also both have special needs sometimes I may write this in my ticker, sometimes it is nice to keep this to myself. I think it really depends on where I am in life as to what I feel the need to share.

[NaeNae]

So I guess I am saying I don't it in my sig because it would be somehow disrespectful to those who have lost "babies", whatever the age, 3 weeks or 3 months or 3 trimesters. Plus I know people who have had babies who are born sleeping - I just don't class my loss as anywhere near the same ballpark of grief.

I am appreciate this comment but I wanted to say one very important thing about it. *My Own Thoughts/Feelings* I have had 3 MC and lost 1 Baby (as in fully formed kicking breathing crying baby) Whilest losing her was THE most painful thing I have done and my 3 little unknowns cannot compare, it DOESN'T mean that someone elses pain of an early loss is any less important just because it was not fully formed or carried as long.

Maybe I am too soft, but as I have said elsewhere, a Loss of any kind is devastating its still a piece of you, a small part of your heart, hopes and dreams for the future that has been taken away and cannot be replaced. Whether that be 4 weeks or 24 weeks or full term.

I honestly can see how people feel the way I do and I too do feel MY mc were less significant to the loss of MY daughter BUT who am I to compare that to someone elses? Who am I to say someone else who grieves, as I have done for Nikita, over a 6 week developing baby doesn't have the right because it was so early?

If you feel this way thats ok, there is no right or wrong, but I would HATE for someone I knew to not feel like their world has been turned upside down over a 6week mc JUST because I lost a baby. I have comforted a friend who in the depths of her despair over losing her looooooooong waited *baby* (blighted ovum) actually say that she felt bad because I had lost a real baby ........ that feels awful, comparing her grief to mine made me feel like crap.

It may be a different kind of grieving and my own personal experience is that it is very different between MY mc and baby loss but nonetheless each was worthy of the feels and worthy of acknowledgement.

These are just my personal thoughts though everyone is different and there absolutely no right or wrong

I can honestly say that my heart breaks every time I see another mother posting a loss, regardless of how far the baby delevops because I know how my losses have affected me to my very depths.

Nae x x

[blessedatlast]

Originally Posted by Roryrory

So I guess I am saying I don't it in my sig because it would be somehow disrespectful to those who have lost "babies", whatever the age, 3 weeks or 3 months or 3 trimesters. Plus I know people who have had babies who are born sleeping - I just don't class my loss as anywhere near the same ballpark of grief.

I am appreciate this comment but I wanted to say one very important thing about it. *My Own Thoughts/Feelings* I have had 3 MC and lost 1 Baby (as in fully formed kicking breathing crying baby) Whilest losing her was THE most painful thing I have done and my 3 little unknowns cannot compare, it DOESN'T mean that someone elses pain of an early loss is any less important just because it was not fully formed or carried as long.

Maybe I am too soft, but as I have said elsewhere, a Loss of any kind is devastating its still a piece of you, a small part of your heart, hopes and dreams for the future that has been taken away and cannot be replaced. Whether that be 4 weeks or 24 weeks or full term.

I honestly can see how people feel the way I do and I too do feel MY mc were less significant to the loss of MY daughter BUT who am I to compare that to someone elses? Who am I to say someone else who grieves, as I have done for Nikita, over a 6 week developing baby doesn't have the right because it was so early?

If you feel this way thats ok, there is no right or wrong, but I would HATE for someone I knew to not feel like their world has been turned upside down over a 6week mc JUST because I lost a baby. I have comforted a friend who in the depths of her despair over losing her looooooooong waited *baby* (blighted ovum) actually say that she felt bad because I had lost a real baby ........ that feels awful, comparing her grief to mine made me feel like crap.

It may be a different kind of grieving and my own personal experience is that it is very different between MY mc and baby loss but nonetheless each was worthy of the feels and worthy of acknowledgement.

These are just my personal thoughts though everyone is different and there absolutely no right or wrong

I can honestly say that my heart breaks every time I see another mother posting a loss, regardless of how far the baby delevops because I know how my losses have affected me to my very depths.

Nae x x

I sooooo could have written that post! I agree, it's all relative to your experiences and what you have been through.. Looking back after losing the twins my M/C was nothing in comparison, but at the time, I was devastated. And if I had a M/C now, I think it would be magnified by the fact I have had a M/C, lost the twins then took so long to fall pg again.. Everyone has the right to grieve over the loss of a baby at any gestation.. From the moment a lot of us find out we are pregnant, we start making plans, and with each loss, we lose a bit of what our future was going to be like and that is hard...

[Roryrory]

NaeNae and Blessed, both of your posts are exactly what I was getting at earlier, in a way - m/c and reactions to it are so intensely personal. My reaction to mine would have been so different had it been my first child, of that I am certain. And it is amazing how a m/c can affect future pregnancies - I didn't "allow" myself to love Rose in utero until 21 weeks, yet with both my boths I spoke of them as my babies (and wrote to them both in diaries) from the moment of conception.

[Ilithyia]

Interesting thread.

I've lost 3 angels now. 1 at 17. 1 at 19. My 3rd just last year.

I've never really acknowledged the first 2 losses as my pregnancies were frowned upon by my family and I never felt emotionally supported therefore I didnt have the confidence nor maturity i guess to mourn my babies loss.

As for acknowledging them in my signature.... For me, I think there came a time where I had done the majority of my grieving and was ready to move forward. I feel that there is no need to "broadcast" the fact that I have lost 3 babies and would rather keep them in a special place in my heart where I can always remember them and cherish the small time we had to together.

Just because they arent there (in my signature) doesnt mean that I have forgotten them or left them behind....They are apart of me...body and soul...They will live on in me forever.

So I guess its really a personal decision....

[aussienic]

The reason I have my angels in my ticker is because I felt they mattered and I don't want them forgotten.. for me in every day life I am fine and I was even at the time except for the initial finding out.. but I look on the positive side of things and if I hadn't lost those babies DS2 and 3 wouldn't be here. kwim??

but I also feel guilty if I don't think of them or if I forget dates which is silly in a way so in my own way putting them in my ticker makes me feel as though I have acknowledged them

[Tuesday's Child]

The reason I have my angels in my ticker is because I felt they mattered and I don't want them forgotten.. for me in every day life I am fine and I was even at the time except for the initial finding out.. but I look on the positive side of things and if I hadn't lost those babies DS2 and 3 wouldn't be here. kwim??

This is how I feel. Although it took me a long time to be fine, I feel my angel mattered. I struggled for a long time denying my grief because my head kept telling me it was ridiculous to feel so devastated over something so small. But a loss is a loss is a loss. Acknowledging my angel played a huge part for me in coming to terms with it. BB is the only place where I acknowledge it somewhat publicly on a daily basis.

My m/c also provided me with a huge opportunity for growth and learning. I have learnt to trust my instincts and to be kind to myself (although I do forget sometimes). Acknowledging the loss also acknowledges the lessons learned.