Is time out considered a gentle parenting method?

I know some people don't like the idea of time out. Even though its punishment I have always thought of it as a gentle form of punishment. I was spiraling out of control with frustration and anger at my two little girls, I was yelling too much and not being very tolerant at all. I even found myself smacking occasionally :redface: I was threatening to take things away all the time, and felt things were just too negative. I got hold if the book 123 magic and it has really changed things at our house. The girls respond so well, ok miss almost 2 needs a bit more time to fully understand but I give her allowances! It involves giving 3 warnings and then time out. One of the keys is not lecturing your kids and nagging them about poor behavior. I still explain what they've done wrong but i don't lecture itms They learn to take responsibility for their actions and realise the consequences of bad behavior. I find our house is now calmer and happier all around. No yelling, (well only occasionally! ) certainly no smacking and we're all much happier.

So am I still following desire to be a gentle parent or am I using a tool that may not be so good for my kids?! Tell me what you think of time out.

All opinions and advice welcome.

If it's making your household much more harmonious and peaceful, I would call that solution gentle JM :). I don't think there is anything wrong with setting boundaries, especially if done so in a way you have described. Good job :D

Jm we 3 warnings then time out too, however, one of my friends mentioned to me she has a chill out area with things to do with their hands (ie drawing, books etc) and that works for her better, so im going to give that a go!

I don't know whether it's gentle parenting or not but it has been talked about on here quite a bit. Maybe a search on the topic would give you the answer? (if the threads are still there that is)

I did a 123 magic course and it changed my life! It certainly made my house a lot calmer and my kids more responsive. I still use the techniques on my teenagers...I love it!

I will have a look Tinks. I'm on my phone and being lazy I guess!

Belle- we do time out in their rooms, they can play with their toys, read a book or just hang out, I don't make them sit in a confined space. I find that just removing them from the situation is enough. They don't need to be restricted further iykwim. Your friends idea is a good one. I like the idea of a chill out place.

Thanks Trish. :)

After thinking about it, I'd say 123 is gentle parenting. It's all about teaching kids the consequences of their actions. 1 - means stop, 2 - you're going too far and 3 - remove yourself from the situation (Ican't remember the correct terms). It eliminates all the yelling and arguments, and smacking while teaching them boundaries. So, I'd say yes, it's gentle parenting.

That's kind of what I think Tinks, but it's those other threads you're talking about that make me question my way of thinking. I know others don't like time out, I guess i just wondered if I was missing something.

And my reason for wondering is not bc I'd stop using it I don't think, but more I'd stop recommending it on a gentle parenting site.

I am not a fan of the 'normal' time out (of being yelled at and being made to stand in a corner) however I think it is about how it is approached and as you have described to me does seem like gentle parenting, you are teaching them without demeaning them and are not punishing them by standing in a corner for half an hour 'to think about what they have done', I like the thought of a chill out space that has quiet play activities :D

Junglemum, I've just borrowed 1-2-3 Magic from the library and have started doing it with DS. So far it's working well. I found myself yelling too much, getting very short tempered and grumpy too often so had to do something. We send DS to his room for time out as well. Most of the time he just sits on his bed and flick through his books. It's enough to calm him down and refocus (and me too!). I don't know if it is officially gentle parenting but I consider it to be as it works well without anyone getting angry, or resorting to smacking.

Yeah D. I think you're right. It's more about your attitude and actions. Time out could be a nasty punishment if implemented in a harsh way.

Laranna- I was the same. The book really helped us regain calm in our house.

So I havnt heard from anyone who disagrees with time out. Looking for all opinions here....

We do time out in this house - in the corner - and it does work, but we rarely HAVE to do it. Usually the threat of being taken out of the situation is enough for them to stop what they are doing - ITMS? They don't like standing in the corner, so we hardly have to impliment it - so is that considered gentle parenting still when just the threat is enough to stop the bad behaviour? :dunno:

DS will scream and cry if sent to his room, so thats a last resort punishment kind of thing, because I feel that that is more harmful than standing in the corner. DD1 on the other hand will play with toys if sent to her room and is quite happy, but cries and tanties in the corner - so maybe its not the form of punishment that makes it gentle parenting or not, but the way your child responds to it? :dunno:

Yeah that's a good point Arimeh. The Childs perception of the punishment changes it's effect and impact on both them and the undesired behavior. Dd1 is a bit of a drama queen (must get that from her father;) ) and protests loudly to any form of boundry. She responds really well to the time out, and although doesn't like going to her room, she doesn't get super upset about it iykwim.

Dd2 just thinks it's hilarious and role plays time out with herself in her room?! She kind if likes the whole thing, that's why I think she's a but little. She's really just at the pushing boundaries stage and likes watching the consequences of her actions, ie pinching her sister and seeing what happens. Distraction works best with her most of the time too.

Time out, in the basic sense, is about withdrawing love from a child who is often seeking attention and love. So it isn't all that great.

However, lots of positive praise, reassurance that you love the child not the action and warnings make time out a great tool to have in your toolbox. I use time outs and time ins with Liebling, but never let him get hysterical. He can have a time out on my lap with a cuddle, he knows it is about not being allowed to ruin things rather than me not loving him.

FWIW, I loved being sent to my room. Ultimate pleasure! Even better when my mother forgot I was in the house and I wasn't made to come out and see the rest of them all day!

LZ- Your comments about your childhood are sad. Sounds pretty tough.

Again what you say is similar to others, it's all about how the timeout is implemented and the associated emotions and actions from both the parent and the child.

I don't feel like i'm with drawing love, and DD1 doesn't get hysterical so i'm pretty sure she doesn't feel that way either.But i can see how if used in a a certain manner it could be like that. Sometimes it's tough to set boundaries, and as a child i remember feeling that is was unfair or that my parents didn't love me, (emotional over reaction of a teenager. :p) when in fact they were setting boundaries because they loved me. So i guess plenty of love and reassurance helps to ensure that children understand boundries aren't about withdrawing love.

I did the 123 thing with DS1 - he's 16 now and appears to be well grounded with no lasting ill-effects from my parenting!! I would generally only have to get to "2" - I think it was the quiet tone that got his attention.

Also, someone mentioned about giving "tasks" for little hands. Nic's principal from kinder (all those years ago) used to give the little ones things to do rather than a punishment if they were misbehaving or consistently disrupting the class. She would ask them to help her by stacking some books, sorting out pencils, tidying up something..... little tasks designed to distract and refocus and to also teach them about consequences for their actions. Can I just add too that Nic used to come home and tell me that he helped Sr Edith today, because he wanted to - I used to have to hide my grin because I knew he'd been a little bit naughty!!

I know this thread is a little old now but thought I'd offer another option which I've found really useful. It's called "Time In". If you look for the Circle of Security website and under resources you can download some fantastic stuff, including a 'Time In' guide. Basically it involves being with your child during the time in and helping them identify and talk through feelings; take responsibility; and discuss ways of responding to the situation in the future. Obviously it depends on the age of the child as to how you implement this.

BTW - I don't think time out is inherently 'bad' and it definitely has a place when we (the parent) are too frustrated to deal with the situation effectively anyway. It's all in how we implement these strategies and how our children (and we) feel when it's happening that counts.

Just want to jump in on the conversation too :) DS1's school adopts the 123 magic program. Basically the teachers don't have time to deal with 1 or 2 kids that refuse to co-operate or otherwise the time is being taken away from the children that are behaving and wanting to learn (embarrassingly enough my DS1 fell into the naughty child corner) anyway the Deputy Principal one of only two Males teachers at the school decided to adopt this across the whole school, this meant training the teachers as to what the policy was going to be for dealing with all children when there behaviour isn't to an acceptable level. It has been really positive across the whole school because doesn't matter when the kids go up a grade they are still being treated in the same way they were the year before and i must admit a vast improvement with DS1 as well, the phone calls from the school almost stopped. The kids don't automatically get sent out of the room on the 3rd count they go to the back of the class to get them away from the situation for 5 minutes then they come back and then if it happens again they work through the 123 then it's the office, where they deal with normally the Deputy or one of the other teachers that is in the office at the time. They get counselled about what has happened and get to talk about ther bad decisions which kids like to do but the thing the really work on is if a child had a bad day the day before it is never brought back into the classroom the next day, it's always a clean slate for them.

Personally, no, I don't see time out as gentle parenting. I don't see any reward/punishment system as respectful behaviour guidance so it wouldn't fit under my understanding of gentle parenting.

What meow said. Check out Alfie Kohn's books/work on this stuff - reward & punishment.

You know i really think it depends on the child if time out is going to work. For instance DS1 gets highly frustrated and wants to voice his opinion and then it tends to boil over especially when at school, he gets removed from the situation which helps him calm down, regroup his thoughts in a logical way then comes back into the group setting more relaxed and calm. If they do get to go to the office at school the teachers or deputy listen to there points of view each and everyone of them so the kids feel like they have got there thoughts and opinions out there, instead of making enemys with the other child in question they normally go back best of mates because the way it is handled.

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Personally, no, I don't see time out as gentle parenting. I don't see any reward/punishment system as respectful behaviour guidance so it wouldn't fit under my understanding of gentle parenting.

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I thought there was some kind of theory about why it wasn't great. Can you explain further Meow? How do you manage to parent without reward or consequences?

Consequences yes, rewards and punishments no (essentially the same thing in reverse). It's about helping kids learn to do things for their own sake - because it's the right thing to do - not in order to get a reward or avoid punishment.

The PET literature explains this quite well, but I'll admit I"m a bit stumped as to how to apply this with a 3 year old sometimes. It's hard to talk it all out and come to mutually satisfactory solutions when your child is flipping out at you. There have been a number of times I've threatened to send him straight to bed if he doesn't cooperate and have put him in his room a few times.
I hope we're on the right track though. sometimes I see signs of hope. Like this morning. DS wanted porridge. I said, no, we'll have toast because we have no milk. He flipped out. I said again, sorry, we have no milk. Then he suggested we go to the shop to get some milk. I said ok, but we all have to go and you'll have to go to the potty first. He said sure. We went.

PET is great. Active listening really works. But I still can not manage all my 3 year olds behavior with those techniques alone. Sometimes she just loses it. Like her little brain is in overload.... I dunno, sometimes I just feel like it's a losing battle. Cool down time really helps her reset. If i try active listening and talking her through the situation, sometimes it works but other times it doesn't stand a chance. I need a new tool for when things aren't working. Right now time out helps her calm down and think rationally again. We don't need it that often, but i do use it , If there are better tools out there to add to my tool box I'm all for hearing them!

123 magic talks a lot about not lecturing kids, not talking 'at' them, but letting them understand the consequences of their actions themselves. Which my daughter seems to respond well to.Man I wish there was a golden rule book sometimes!!!

yeah, that would be nice!

I think when they lose it sometimes the best thing is 'time in'

You might find Louise Porter's book "Children are people too" really helpful. Yes, trying to talk about the issue when a child is in a hightened wont work. Louise says "You can't reason with the unreasonable". But putting a child in that state on their own to calm down by themselves doesn't help teach self regulation.

If you think of considerate behaviour as a learnt skill, such as walking, it is easy to see why meltdowns are opportunities for learning rather than punishment. If your child trips over when learning to walk do you give them 3 tries to not fall down or else then put them in the corner? Then why so with inconsiderate behaviour? Why do we expect these little people to be born with considerate behaviour skills? Even as adults we learn new social skills when we enter new cultures- it is a learnt skill.

If your child is in meltdown mode then I agree that time in is great. By helping your child calm down you teach them that they are supported in this, that they can turn to you for help with this, and as they grow older and mentally seperate themselves from you they will have the knowledge that they can calm and support themselves.

If you are feeling out of control yourself or you don't think your child is up for some time in, then time away is helpful too. Teaching your child or yourself to take some time away is a really valuable skill. We do it heaps as adults. I model it now by saying "I feel really frustrated at the moment and I'm going to my room", or I might take my son to his room and place him in a soft place and say "I think you need to have some time to yourself". I never shut the door and as soon as I am a bit calmer I go to him and keep working on some time in to help calm him down.

Prior to hitting meltdown mode I generally try and modify what it happening to avoid reaching a meltdown. Where you might start at a 1 in 123magic I would start by reminding him how to behave and looking at my expectations. Is this situation to stimulating? Is the task within his means? Can I expect him to behave the way I would like or do I need to modify my expectations and change the situation? Those sorts of thoughts.

I hope that helps.

ETA: With regards to consequences, I would like my children to learn "real" consequences, eg.
"When I hit my brother it hurts him and makes him upset"

rather than punitive consequences, eg.
"When I hit my brother and my mum sees me do it, I get sent to time out"

i have almost finished reading 'children are people too' and i love it. it explains things really well. hopefully i can make it work as my munchkin gets older.