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Would you stay in a relationship if you weren't happy or sometimes happy because you have children together? What if the kids were really really attached to/dependant on the other parent, how could you take them away? Have you stay in a relationship for the kids? Have you chosen to leave? How did your kids cope, and what age were they?
Thanks for any replies.
umm no
No, I don't think I would, but I wouldn't know for sure until I was in that situation.
I would try to work things out. Talk. Councilling. I would try everything else first.
I know this may sound lame, but I'd also read some Dr Phil books, he's so insightful when in comes to relationships.
But in the end, after all of that. And I was still unhappy. No I wouldn't stay.
it depends what the reasons are that are making you think about leaving, like, can they be resolved, do you want to work on the issues, things like that, but ultamitly, if it were just for the kids, i think they would be better off with 2 parents who were happy even if it ment not being together, rather than being misrable just for there sake kwim?
I think it's important for children to see a happy loving relationship.... if you aren't happy they will know and at the end of the day , just having children isn't enough to Stay in an unhappy relationship, even if you are married...
I guess it's asking yourself deep down whether you can repair the lost love or problems, and accepting the answer :hug:
No I wouldn't. Children are extremely perceptive and pick up on all of that kind of stuff too, even if we believe them not to. If you're not happy, truly happy, your kids usually aren't either. It is a tough position to be in but whatever our decisions in these matters, we need to make sure that our kids are being looked after and we are meeting their needs and best interests. Now, you say, attached to one parent, does that mean that maybe the other parent needs to step away? When my first DH and I separated, I actually left without Joshua at that time (he was 1), he stayed with his dad who could meet his needs better at that point in time. For right then and there, that was in his best interest. I had nowhere to go etc. I left though as I wasn't happy and I couldn't stay but I also couldn't just take him if that makes sense. Not at that time. I was a mess and needed to sort me out before I was any use to any other human. I had him on the weekends once I found somewhere to live and stuff. I have been branded selfish by some (I believe including his dad for some time)... but I know in my heart that at that time I did what was best for him.
I think it depends on what the problem(s) is/are and how miserable you are. As Ozziehoffy said kids are very perceptive and sometimes no matter how hard you try they will still pick up that you're not happy.
My parents stayed together despite a very bad relationship and it really affected us kids. It really kind of skewed our belief of what a normal relationship was, and I think it impacted on our first few relationships. Not to mention that we were miserable. I appreciate that my parents thought they were doing the right thing wfor us but in retrospect I think I would've prefered they had gone their separate ways and I could have seen them both happy and moving on.
While parents have a responsibility to both be there for their children they also have the right to be happy and the responsibility to model "being happy" to their children, and taking action in their lives to achieve that. If they show their children that you don't have to settle for being unhappy the children will learn it. As long as you are constructive in your actions, the child will cope and learn resilience.
As PPs have said, it really depends. If it's abusive, unhealthy, if there's loads of arguing, negativity - then no, because I don't think there's any benefit in that.
But I have been in a position where my relationship had lost it's gloss, and I was questioning whether I wanted to be there or not; actually a few times over; and having children involved has made me more inclined to stay & work it out. At this point we are still together & pretty happy.
I guess any relationship goes through it's ups & downs, you have to work out if it's a normal dip & trough or if it's really over.
Agree with Bug's mum, if it's bad, it will affect the kids & their perception of relationships.
It really would depend on the situation, and whether the issues causing questions in the relationship could be resolved so that everyone is getting their needs met.
My ex and I broke up when DD was not quite 2 years old. We tried to limp along despite chronic issues with the relationship for the sake of our daughter, but ultimately it became unhealthy for the both of us, we were stressed and miserable and this was rubbing off on her. I moved out, leaving DD with her Dad as he could provide for her better and I had her every second weekend. It worked out to be the right decision - we're still good friends and communicate well regarding DD even now that I am married with a second bub on the way.
However, if it is something that can be resolved, if you are prepared to put the time and commitment in and so is your partner it can be a very positive thing. The trick is knowing what can be salvaged, what can't and how to walk away if necessary.
Yes.
Would have to clarify more later. But it's a very complicated situation and it's so complex and a lot of different things come in to play.
Love MN ;-)
I dont think I could, if I were truly unhappy.
If it was more a case of 'friendship' than 'love' Id probably stay, even if I wasnt thrilled, as long as I was 'ok' with the situation IYKWIM
If I felt I had put absolutely everything into it, and there was nothing more I could do, then no I wouldnt do it for the kids. I would choose to leave because I would want my children to see a happy, functioning relationship as how it should be - I believe your relationship really sets a mould/lead for your children. To see my own children react to me like I would in my relationship made me sad. And I decided I wanted them to see and experience a great relationship for when they were older. Of course the issues were long and ongoing but when it started affecting them, it really hit home.
They have done research and its not the act of divorce which damages children the most, it's what happens before and after the divorce which makes much sense.
Anthony Robbins has a brilliant relationship DVD program. It talks about the 6 human needs and how he's never seen anyone leave a relationship where their needs are being met. So your husband may not be meeting yours, but you will likely not be meeting his too. When one partner shifts, the other usually follows/reacts in a way that breaks the pattern.
One of my strongest childhood memories is walking into the bedroom and seeing my mum lying on the bed crying - she had been trying to hide from me and I found her. I was 2. I think what Kelly says is true that it isn't the divorce that affects the children most, it's what happens before, during and after that process.
Personally I would try to salvage the relationship through counseling and any other means I could, then if it really was unable to be saved I would make sure that there was a plan in place to protect the children and make the transition as smooth as possible for them. Ultimately though if you are completely miserable in the situation then the children will definitely pick this up and it will affect them.
I dont know hon, maybe.
But I certainly would not be having anymore kids with someone if I was not sure I wanted to be with them for the rest of my life.
Sorry if that sounds rude, but I couldnt read your sig and not say anything.
If you'd tried everything to sort out the issues in the relationship, ie counselling for you both individually and also as a couple, and there was nothing to do to help the relationship, then it is better for all involved to part.
I've seen the damage a bad relationship has done to children, they don't need to see that as a "normal functioning" relationship, both parents need to be happy.
As a friend once said to me, there are 3 people in a relationship, you, me and us. All 3 need to be happy, healthy and functioning for everything to work.
I've been in an non-functioning, abusive relationship (luckily no children) and the best thing was when that relationship ceased to be, I am a lot happier in myself, as a person now than I was during that time. Also the lessons I learnt from that relationship have helped me the relationships I had after that, I knew and had the strength to get out of relationships when they ceased to work (yes one of those relationships there were children and they didn't need to see the issues, they'd had enough when their parents broke up, that had emotionally/psychologically/physically damaged them enough).
Good luck with it all and I hope you make the right decision for everybody involved.
Really depends on the "why" - as has been said, if it was simply (HA, as if anything is simple!) because of a loss of attraction or the gloss had gone, i would put my all into trying to save it - both myself, and through counselling etc. But ultimately, happiness has to win out - kids know a lot more than we give them credit for
if it was an unhealthy relationship (abusive - physically or emotionally), i'd be gone. i grew up as a child in that sort of situation - mum was always scared and crying, we were petrified to speak half the time, i used to BEG my mum to leave so that we could all be happy. I'd not put a child through that
as to the attachment thing - if there is a situation where you can't live together, but your children are very attached to the other parent, why can't you arrange a generous shared care arrangement. your children will ultimately adapt and be happier if their parents are happier...
Not quite in answer to the OP but still related - I have an Aunt & uncle who separated / divorced when their kids were still young (school age) and it was almost a year before any of their teachers knew what had happened.
The reason being, they had handled it so well, there was zero drama, no stress, no fuss. The kids stayed with whoever they felt like staying with that night, and each parent accomodated what the kids wanted & needed.
I don't know all the ins & outs of how it went (I was quite young) but I still remember it as a brilliant example of how it can be ok - unfortunately as adults we often get so caught up in our own emotional drama it's rarely just about what the kids need (and I am guilty of that myself).
But to me, it illustrates what Kelly said - it's usually what goes on around the separation or divorce that causes problems.
Sometimes people stay with a partner they don't want to be with and they get sick. So it may come out in other ways. I believe this happened to my SIL as she is married to a piece of work. Now she is so ill she can't look after her own children and may not be in this world for very long. I think you have to be true to yourself, know that you deserve better and the kids will adjust in time. As long as they have a healthy parent, they will be OK.
I left when my kids were 3 and 1. I was (and am) their primary attachment, though. We did a form of shared care for nearly 2 years and IT DOESN'T WORK when children are under 5. Can you imagine sleeping in a different bed every night? You'd be rattled. Now try it for a one-year-old...
Things eventually blew up and they are now 7 and 5 and in my full-time care, XH has alternate weekends.
The children were actually the main reason I left. I didn't want my children to grow up thinking that the way Daddy treated Mummy was normal, or right. I couldn't have them treating their partners in that way. It's just wrong.
My $0.02.
So true sweetpea - our bodies give us so many signals that we're out of alignment. I had anxiety and depression issues and was always sick with something. Chest infections, colds, flus, ear infections, glandular fever, super low iron - I was a majorly fatigued wreck and would sometimes lie on the sofa helplessly as the kids would go nuts which didnt help the depression. I was just that physically exhausted and sick at times. If I kept on that path I would hate to think what else could have manifested. You just know when you need to get out for wellbeing and when you've not given it your all.
Check out the sticky post I did recently in Relationships, think its called 'Should I Stay or Should I Go.'
I am looking on this with the perspective of growing up in a house with unhappily married parents.
Around 12 my parents separated due to an indiscretion in the marriage. Within a few months they reconciled, but over the next 13 years things were not good, and there were a couple more small separations. I left home at 18 but my brothers who were 11 and 12 spent their teenage years in a very hositile environment. There was fault on behalf of both of my parents, and they tried counselling several times. Looking at my brothers now I can see the effect my parents marriage has had on them, they are both now very hesitant to enter into marriage.
My parents did eventually separate and then divorce, I was 25, my brothers 18 and 19, they had both finished school, and to be honest I don't think they did the right thing by any of us children by staying together for the sake of us. We don't have many happy memories at all from when they were together, Christmas always ended up tense due to an argument.
My opinion is you don't walk away lightly, and perhaps even give counselling a try, but if at the end of the day the issues cannot be resolved I don't think it is healthy for the children for you to stay in an unhappy marriage.
Megs i'm going to do the same thing...
My parents seperated the moment my brother and i left the family home. They didn't really come out with it truthfully for some time but i figured it out and it was really upsetting. I had lived through a childhood of seeing my parents argue a lot and even hearing the words 'we're only together for the sake of you kids'. So no i don't believe it's worth staying together only for the sake of the kids because sooner or later if things never change you're going to have to leave and no matter what age the children are they will be hurt. In my example i fee like so much of my childhood was a lie, a show and what i tried my best to believe was my happy little world really wasn't.
I think i was about 26 when my parents seperated and my brother must have been about 23.
It's heartbreaking either way but like so many have said the kids know when things are good and not so good and it effects them whether both parents are there or not.
Good luck :hug:
I did stay in a relationship because we had a child together. It was really tough going for about a year after DD (age 3) was born, but has been so fantastic in the past couple of years, we've been closer than ever in our 6 year marriage. It can work, but only if you & your DP want it to.
I thought I would come back an explain my: yes answer.
I can completely understand why someone would stay for the kids. There are situations that are complex and sometimes it is the best situation.
I have/am in a situation where I am staying for the kids, I am trying to work it out for the kids but in all honesty I think I am coming to the realization that it won't be working. And if anyone says why don't you leave, financially I can't afford it - I can't do both looking after children and doing my last year of uni (quietly speaking)
I do agree that staying in a volatile relationship is not good for the kids, I agree that they are smart and can sense things that we dint know, but sometimes in the long run you have to suck up "so to speak" and just deal with things until you get to where you need to go.
Love MN ;-)
I would not stay "for the sake of the children". But I would do everything I possibly could do to salvage the marriage first, before leaving, "for the sake of the children". It is not good enough to leave because you are just 'not be happy'; if you have not taken every possible step you can to try and make yourself happy and put your marriage back together first. If you have tried everything (and I mean with 110% commitment and effort) and things still don't make you happy, THEN you have earned your way out of the marriage.
Ditto to what Kelly has said. I don't think it would be healthy to stay just because of the kids.:
I think there is a difference in staying for the kids and trying to work it out for the kids.
I think when you have children involved you work harder to make it work...but if it really isn't after working even after trying then no I wouldn't and haven't satyed for the kids.
When I separated from my first XDH my eldest DD was 10...she was out with a good friend and her children (and she also had separated) and the girls started talking about it all and my DD said 'I miss my dad but my mum is so much happier now'. It was the feedback I needed to know I had done the right thing.
With my 2nd marriage I knew I had to leave for the kids...when you 3 year old says to you 'daddy bad guy he hurt mummy' or your 14yr old DS says 'if he stays I go' it is really time to get out.
I am now a single SAHM of 7 children...not easy! But I know I did the right thing...both times.
I wouldnt stay for the kids but I would try my hardest and give it everything I had before I left - for the kids sake.
I did leave (well I asked him to) once before when I was giving it my all to try and fix us but he wasnt. Its not a party if only one person turns up!! :shakehead:
The kids coped so much better than I thought they would which is why I waited much longer than I should have to end things.
It was the best thing for us as it was the whole "dont know what you have till its gone" kinda thing but it took alot of crap to get to that stage.
hope your ok :hug:
Yowie empty your inbox Hun.
Love MN ;-)
Well I'm currently in a relationship I know I wouldn't still be in if there wasn't 2 kids and 11 years between us.
If I had felt we had both done everything possible to get things on track and keep them on track and it still wasn't working then maybe it would be over but as of the moment I don't think we've both really given it all we've got.
We have had to face some HUGE hurdles over the years, this has been extremely straining on both of us. I'm willing to give it more time because it is important to me.
I don't think I would.
My parents split up when I was ten. There was no anger about it, they had to move on from each other. They respect each other now, they get along at family events, and I had both mum and dad walk me down the aisle. I remember being upset at the time that dad wouldn't be coming home each night, but got over it. Both are remarried and both are really happy. I'm totally fine with their decisions and can't imagine them together.
My best friend at high school, her parents stayed together. They rarely spoke to each other, they didn't do anything as a family, and my friend often wished that they would split up, the whole family was living in limbo, in this silent vortex where nothing was discussed. If one parent was home on the weekend, the other went out. As soon as my friend finished school, her parents split up and they don't have anything much to do with each other.
I was in this situation myself a few years back - I was so miserable but I kept telling myself that I could put up with it for the sake of my DD (who is well and truly a Daddy's girl).
I tried counselling - alone and with him but in the end my body started putting it's foot down and i started having anxiety attacks whenever I thought about coming home. That's when I knew I'd had enough.
A very good friend said to me that if I loved my daughter with all my heart i would show her that putting myself as a person so that she would learn that she is that important too - I would never EVER want DD in a relationship as an adult because she felt she had to stay.
We split - and apart from the initial pain and backlash from my decision it all did sort itself out in the end. We (my ex and i) are friends - I have a new partner who I am totally in love and happy with - and DD is happy.
I think it's really important that we can treat ourselves like our own best friend - would you tell your best friend they should stay for the kids?
I wouldn't. I would put everything I could into making the marriage work, but if it didn't, then everyone would be so much happier. It is such a toxic and hostile environment and it can be so damaging for kids to see that. People assume that kids are resilient and would handle it, and to an extent they are, but that is only while they are kids - we have no idea of how this will affect them in the long term as adult and affect how they form and nurture their own relationships. One thing that no one else has mentioned yet is the burden on the kids of knowing that their parents are only together because of them - imagine the guilt they would be carrying over that? My parents had the sense to separate when things got rough, and it was hard on us kids for a long time, but we adjusted and got used to the 'new normal' but if I found out that my parents only stayed together because of me and I had to live in a hostile environment, I'd be pretty resentful of that. You might think that things still look 'normal' but kids are intuitive and they would pick up on it in no time at all.
Hi There,
This is a really, really difficult decision. Just a brief background, but 2010 was a very bad year for my marriage. I found out my DH did a little more than 'work' while he was away & obviously it cause some massive cracks in our marriage. I decided to move overseas with him to try to repair the damage caused. I have to openly admit, the children were a BIG reason for why I decided to do this. I wanted to be able to say to them if it didn't work out that Mummy tried her absolute best. I'm glad I did, because it has worked out.
I think that the children are a very big contributing factor, but also not the ONLY factor? Good luck in your decision, it's only one that you can make.
xx
I was talking about this today. And I came to realize that staying for the kids have different meaning to different people and different relationships.
I think there is a time we stay for the kids because we are trying hard to keep their family and stability together, sometimes it's easier, then there comes a time that the relationship you are in has a very adversed effect on the kids and it comes a time when you "leave for the sake of the kids".
I think that every relationship is different and not necessarily staying for the kids is a bad thing. And I would hope that anyone would have a good support network around them to let them know when it might not be working. Sometimes it's easier to see on the outside looking in.
Love MN ;-)
As a kid I begged my Mum to leave my father and she didn't. Worst decision of her (and my sisters' and my) life. But that was because he was abusive, including towards us. So staying with him certainly wasn't for our sakes, but because of her fear and weakness.
DP and I have stuck it out during our 11 year relationship at times because of ties - finances, our child, our businesses. From DP's side for a while definitely because of how attached DD is to me and what he was afraid of missing out on with her. And we were both very unhappy for a time. But we have both worked it out (not necessarily at the same time for ages!). We came out of it. It wasn't all terrible, all of the time, but it honestly took a couple of years.
It was worth it. :) A relationship is there for practical as well as emotional reasons IMO and sometimes it's the practical stuff that keeps you going, including kids.
And FWIW DP's parents divorced when he was 5. Neither of them have very good relationship skills and he's had to learn those with me (as have I). His Mum had a particular knack for being in bad relationships, so just because she left his Dad he wasn't spared that. Sometimes the issue lies within yourself, it certainly did for DP and I. But with my background I do realise that is not always the case (although Mum's choice of an abusive partner is related to her own issues).