Would you stay in a relationship for the kids?

[BellyBelly]

If I felt I had put absolutely everything into it, and there was nothing more I could do, then no I wouldnt do it for the kids. I would choose to leave because I would want my children to see a happy, functioning relationship as how it should be - I believe your relationship really sets a mould/lead for your children. To see my own children react to me like I would in my relationship made me sad. And I decided I wanted them to see and experience a great relationship for when they were older. Of course the issues were long and ongoing but when it started affecting them, it really hit home.

They have done research and its not the act of divorce which damages children the most, it's what happens before and after the divorce which makes much sense.

Anthony Robbins has a brilliant relationship DVD program. It talks about the 6 human needs and how he's never seen anyone leave a relationship where their needs are being met. So your husband may not be meeting yours, but you will likely not be meeting his too. When one partner shifts, the other usually follows/reacts in a way that breaks the pattern.

[Nai]

One of my strongest childhood memories is walking into the bedroom and seeing my mum lying on the bed crying - she had been trying to hide from me and I found her. I was 2. I think what Kelly says is true that it isn't the divorce that affects the children most, it's what happens before, during and after that process.

Personally I would try to salvage the relationship through counseling and any other means I could, then if it really was unable to be saved I would make sure that there was a plan in place to protect the children and make the transition as smooth as possible for them. Ultimately though if you are completely miserable in the situation then the children will definitely pick this up and it will affect them.

[Livinthedream]

I dont know hon, maybe.
But I certainly would not be having anymore kids with someone if I was not sure I wanted to be with them for the rest of my life.
Sorry if that sounds rude, but I couldnt read your sig and not say anything.

[Sopdet]

If you'd tried everything to sort out the issues in the relationship, ie counselling for you both individually and also as a couple, and there was nothing to do to help the relationship, then it is better for all involved to part.

I've seen the damage a bad relationship has done to children, they don't need to see that as a "normal functioning" relationship, both parents need to be happy.

As a friend once said to me, there are 3 people in a relationship, you, me and us. All 3 need to be happy, healthy and functioning for everything to work.

I've been in an non-functioning, abusive relationship (luckily no children) and the best thing was when that relationship ceased to be, I am a lot happier in myself, as a person now than I was during that time. Also the lessons I learnt from that relationship have helped me the relationships I had after that, I knew and had the strength to get out of relationships when they ceased to work (yes one of those relationships there were children and they didn't need to see the issues, they'd had enough when their parents broke up, that had emotionally/psychologically/physically damaged them enough).

Good luck with it all and I hope you make the right decision for everybody involved.

[briggsy's girl]

Really depends on the "why" - as has been said, if it was simply (HA, as if anything is simple!) because of a loss of attraction or the gloss had gone, i would put my all into trying to save it - both myself, and through counselling etc. But ultimately, happiness has to win out - kids know a lot more than we give them credit for

if it was an unhealthy relationship (abusive - physically or emotionally), i'd be gone. i grew up as a child in that sort of situation - mum was always scared and crying, we were petrified to speak half the time, i used to BEG my mum to leave so that we could all be happy. I'd not put a child through that

as to the attachment thing - if there is a situation where you can't live together, but your children are very attached to the other parent, why can't you arrange a generous shared care arrangement. your children will ultimately adapt and be happier if their parents are happier...

[Fleur]

Not quite in answer to the OP but still related - I have an Aunt & uncle who separated / divorced when their kids were still young (school age) and it was almost a year before any of their teachers knew what had happened.
The reason being, they had handled it so well, there was zero drama, no stress, no fuss. The kids stayed with whoever they felt like staying with that night, and each parent accomodated what the kids wanted & needed.
I don't know all the ins & outs of how it went (I was quite young) but I still remember it as a brilliant example of how it can be ok - unfortunately as adults we often get so caught up in our own emotional drama it's rarely just about what the kids need (and I am guilty of that myself).
But to me, it illustrates what Kelly said - it's usually what goes on around the separation or divorce that causes problems.

[LoveKnowsNoBounds]

Sometimes people stay with a partner they don't want to be with and they get sick. So it may come out in other ways. I believe this happened to my SIL as she is married to a piece of work. Now she is so ill she can't look after her own children and may not be in this world for very long. I think you have to be true to yourself, know that you deserve better and the kids will adjust in time. As long as they have a healthy parent, they will be OK.

[Amity]

I left when my kids were 3 and 1. I was (and am) their primary attachment, though. We did a form of shared care for nearly 2 years and IT DOESN'T WORK when children are under 5. Can you imagine sleeping in a different bed every night? You'd be rattled. Now try it for a one-year-old...

Things eventually blew up and they are now 7 and 5 and in my full-time care, XH has alternate weekends.

The children were actually the main reason I left. I didn't want my children to grow up thinking that the way Daddy treated Mummy was normal, or right. I couldn't have them treating their partners in that way. It's just wrong.

My $0.02.

[danniellabella]

I did stay in a relationship because we had a child together. It was really tough going for about a year after DD (age 3) was born, but has been so fantastic in the past couple of years, we've been closer than ever in our 6 year marriage. It can work, but only if you & your DP want it to.

[toomanyshoes]

Well I'm currently in a relationship I know I wouldn't still be in if there wasn't 2 kids and 11 years between us.

If I had felt we had both done everything possible to get things on track and keep them on track and it still wasn't working then maybe it would be over but as of the moment I don't think we've both really given it all we've got.

We have had to face some HUGE hurdles over the years, this has been extremely straining on both of us. I'm willing to give it more time because it is important to me.

[Miss.September]

I don't think I would.

My parents split up when I was ten. There was no anger about it, they had to move on from each other. They respect each other now, they get along at family events, and I had both mum and dad walk me down the aisle. I remember being upset at the time that dad wouldn't be coming home each night, but got over it. Both are remarried and both are really happy. I'm totally fine with their decisions and can't imagine them together.

My best friend at high school, her parents stayed together. They rarely spoke to each other, they didn't do anything as a family, and my friend often wished that they would split up, the whole family was living in limbo, in this silent vortex where nothing was discussed. If one parent was home on the weekend, the other went out. As soon as my friend finished school, her parents split up and they don't have anything much to do with each other.

[~Jayne~]

Hi There,

This is a really, really difficult decision. Just a brief background, but 2010 was a very bad year for my marriage. I found out my DH did a little more than 'work' while he was away & obviously it cause some massive cracks in our marriage. I decided to move overseas with him to try to repair the damage caused. I have to openly admit, the children were a BIG reason for why I decided to do this. I wanted to be able to say to them if it didn't work out that Mummy tried her absolute best. I'm glad I did, because it has worked out.

I think that the children are a very big contributing factor, but also not the ONLY factor? Good luck in your decision, it's only one that you can make.

xx

[*Twinkle*]

I would choose to leave because I would want my children to see a happy, functioning relationship as how it should be - I believe your relationship really sets a mould/lead for your children.

Ditto to what Kelly has said. I don't think it would be healthy to stay just because of the kids.