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So the funeral is on Saturday. Dp has been totally great with me but I really don't know how I'm going to cope.
We web to the funeral place today to organize stuff and when she asked what coffin we would like I broke down. If I break down over that how am I going to go on Saturday?
:crying:
Oh hun... You are allowed to break down. You are allowed to cry... do not feel bad for showing the emotions you are feeling.
I am so sorry you have to go through this :( :hug: I wish I was there to stand with you and hold you while you cried... :hug:
I know you will manage. I don't know how, but I know you will. I attended a funeral for my brother's best mate's twins who passed at 10mins and 18 mins. You don't need to say anything. You don't need to do anything. You just need to be there.
You have been through so much pain and suffering over the last nine days. I'm truly sorry.
I hope and pray that Hayley's funeral will be the beginning of a new journey for you. A journey that will never be the same as before - but perhaps, just perhaps, your heart will rest a little better for having said a formal goodbye.
If you need me to be there, please please let me know. I'm more than happy to come.
Gentle love and hugs.
Just take it one step at a time. Don't try and worry about how you will cope with Saturday today, deal with your feeling on saturday when saturday comes.
Will be thinking of you & your DH Saturday. I love the photo you have of Hayley
There is no right or wrong way to cope... Let yourself be what you need to be. Be kind to yourself and make no excuses...
Big hugs honey child...
I can't answer, because I don't know. You might break down, you might hold it all in til afterwards.
When MIL put her 2 babies to rest, she was a mess. She doesn't remember alot of the funerals (2 babies, 3 years apart), except when they were lowering one into the ground & she howled. She couldn't hold it in any longer. It may even have been DH who told me that, not her...
It'll break your heart all over again & you will do what ever is right for you at the time.
:hug:
you know what? you dont need to hold it together babe. you are saying goodbye and gosh darn it, if you can't hold it together and need to go with that emotion, then just let it darling, let it happen.
One thing that i know helped (helped in the sense of finding some strength to get through) was to see my Oma (the one we were organising the funeral for) as often as possible in the lead up. I would call the funeral home that morning and go over and just sit there and hold her hand. i did ALOT of big phat cries in those moments, i got to stroke her hair, kiss her, arrange her clothes/rosary, put in the photos, letters etc etc over the course of that week.
do what you need to do babe.
(and it is more than ok to cry and break down when they ask you what coffin you would "like" for your precious baby...there is no answer to that question and therefore by its very nature is hard and confronting).
i am thinking of you and DH and your baby girl daily, and I will be thinking of you all on Saturday. I hope that the service is gentle and loving and can be, at the very least, a true reminder for all that attend what a loved and truly beautiful, precious baby the two of you made :hug:
i broke down many, many times during Anthonys service but its normal hun, you are grieving, you are allowed to break down, scream, cry whatever it is that takes a tiny tiny bit of the pain away.
You will cope because its what we are "programmed" to do, theres no doubt it will be hard, I remember how hard it was like it was yesterday for me but you do get through the day, I was kind of on auto pilot, i got through it not sure how i was numb, not really functioning properly.
I will be lighting a candle on saturday and have been thinking of you lots xx
Hugs hun you are allowed to break down and cry you are saying goodbye to your baby girl, no one expects you to cope in any specific way, everyone copes differently.
If you want me too come I can, just let me know hun xoxo
You've been given some great advice from everyone already, just want to say that I'll be thinking of you on Saturday hun :hug:
As everyone has said there is no right or wrong, if you break down thats fine, if you don't thats fine, if you cry thats fine, if you scream thats fine, if you sit there and say nothing thats fine.
You will get through this :hug:
sending hugs and a cyber hand to hold!!
Oh gorgeous woman, whatever way you get through is ok. It doesn't matter how you are, you are grieving and there is no normal way to do that.
Everyone else has said it all already... I'm not sure I have anything more to add except that I'm constantly thinking of you and dp and that I'm here for you, we all are. If you ever want company, or a shoulder to cry on, I'm close by.
Love and strength to you. Xx
:hug: sweetie, I don't think anyone expects you to "cope" or behave in any specific manner. You're grieving the loss of your precious little girl. I'm so very sorry that you have to do this and I will be thinking of you and your DH on Saturday.
I wish I knew the answer to this question A, but I think the actual answer is that there is no answer. You will get through this, maybe you won't meet your definition of coping, but you will get through this with the help of your DH and family. You may cry, scream, break down or you might not. I wish there was a way that you could predetermine how you would feel and work out a way to deal with it but I just don't think it's possible. Please know that we are all here thinking of you and supporting you and I will be sending you strength on Saturday and say a little prayer for you guys. Xx
like a pp, you have recieved so much advice already...
just a huge teddy bear hug from me and ill also be thinking of you in this tough time..
:comfort: as the girls have said, no one expects you to hold it together. Cry, lean on your family and friends for support. I am so very sorry :hug: I wish I could be there for you on Sat. Know that I am here anytime.
Sweetheart no real words just:hug:
I have no answers no one does, you will be how ever you will be on Saturday, and there is no wrong way to be... You do what ever you feel you have too, I wish there was some easy answer....
Sorry I am not good with words... Unlike so many other who can write excally what I want to say...
I am like so many of us here for you if you need us too be... just ask k...
Oh sweetie, no adivce just huge enormous massive hugs darling :hug::hug::hug::hug:
When we lost Josh at only 21 weeks, I was so in shock that I couldn't cope with a funeral for him. Instead, all I could manage was a very intimate service (more like a blessing) with just DF and a priest. In a way, I now wish I had a proper send off for him with just our families and a handful of friends. I admire your strength. I wish I had it back then. God bless darling and you will be in my thoughts and prayers on Saturday. I love Hayley's photo, she is so beautiful and precious.
Big hugs
B xoxo
Just as everyone else has said 'let your emotions go' hun.
Not the same deal, but I cried like a baby at my mothers funeral, and I didn't give a stuff either.
Sending you strength through this terrible time hun.
xoxox
cant give you any advice or anything that will help, just wanted to let you know ill be thinking of you and wanting to send you hugs.:hug:
Ahurani, i don't know even know what words i can say to help you feel better, there probably are none at all.....i just remember being exactly where you were only a few weeks ago, and far out.....it's friggin hard!! i would like to think though that you will find strength you didn't even know you had. i know i did. i couldn't even make a speech at our wedding cause i was so shy, but somehow i wrote a speech for Josiah and found the courage to get up at his funeral and manage to get through it.....one of the things i said was if someone had told me 6 months ago that this was going to happen to me, i said there would have been no way i could have survived.....but somehow i have. i don't know how, but i have....and i just really feel for you honey, i wish i could say something meaningful other than im thinking of you, i really am, and my heart is breaking for you, cause i know a lot of the pain you are feeling......massive massive :hug: :hug:
Oh A, I have no answers like many others but you dont need to hold it together, no one expects that of you :comfort: I cant take any of the pain away but know that we are all here to listen :hug: Thinking of you and your precious girl on Saturday xx
Oh Babe, my heart is breaking for you.. The funeral is a really hard day (every day is a hard day), and as everyone else has said there is no right or wrong way to cope.. I made it a rule NO KIDS.. I knew I couldn't cope with that.. Just do your best babe. I'm so so sorry you have to go through this :hug:
I totally agree with everyone else. Don't "try" to hold yourself together... you just be you, a parent who is saying goodbye to her much loved daughter.... if you want to cry then cry, if you want to scream then scream, whatever you feel like doing in the moment, do it! You have the right to grieve your little girl however you feel.
I'll be thinking of you, your DH & Hayley on Saturday :hug: xxx
I know i cant be there on saturday, but just know that i will still be holding your hand.
You dont have to be strong all the time hunni, Hayley knows you love her more than anything, if you break down, then you do, theres no right or wrong here.
:hug:
What she said xxx:
oh sweets, i know its hard.
my advice would be to go and see her coffin in a sort of viewing situation before the funeral, it honestly does make it less confrontingi on the day. i still lost it compltely, but not as bad as i think i would if i hadnt of seen his little coffin the day before. i just sat with him for a while, talked to him, sung to him and kissed his name plaque.
On the day, u will get through, just like u've gotten through the past 2ish weeks, u will because u have to, u dont have a choice.
After Jack's funeral all ym family and friends went out and had a nice lunch then a few drinks at mums house to celebrate Jacks life in my belly.
we also requested no children
HTH in some way, but again everyones journey is different. much love xxx
Huge :hug:
As everyone else said, do whatever you have to to get through. Don't have any expectations of yourself, just go with it.
The only thing I would add to that - when my best friend lost her twins, she kept the service very small so she could grieve how she needed to without any people who just turned out to spectate. She also didn't have the coffin at the funeral service ... she couldn't bear sitting there staring at the coffin. She had a private farewell with her and her DH beforehand and just had two teddy bears at the front of the church for the service. It was beautiful. It was so very very sad, but it was beautiful and she was able to react how she needed to and everyone there was able to support her through it as best we could.
Everyone is completly different in what they want and need from their farewell service and nothing is going to make it better but I guess my point is that there is no right or wrong way to have the service either. If you need or don't need certain people there - this is about you, your DP and Hayley - do what you need to do to get through.
Sending you much love. I am thinking of you and praying for so much strength for you at the moment :hug:
Huge hugs :hug:
As the others have said - you don't need to be anything except for yourself. If you need to break down or be strong or grieve openly or privately then do what you need to do. Everybody is there (and here) to support you and your DP. They will all be grieving in their own way and supporting you in yours.
Everyone is different and you just do what feels right for you.
My stepbrother and his gf had a small funeral for their son born 30-something weeks. It was just family. It was heartbreaking for me to see the coffin, I cannot imagine what it was like for them (or anyone else for that matter). I had only met the gf a few times, and I cried. The gf had written a poem to read, read a few lines and just broke down, said "I can't" and apologized. Stepbrother took over... But there was no need to apologize. No one judged her coz inwardly or outwardly they felt similarly for their loss.
They had a balloon release after the service to celebrate his life.
Saturday is for the life you and your partner created, and no one else. Go with how your feeling and forget how you may think other people will react to your grief.
All the best, I'll be thinking of you all. xx
HUn, i spent Zahra's entire service curled up on DH's lap sobbing. We had the person from the funeral home read a few things and we played some music and i just cried. DH made Zahra's coffin, so it wasnt a shock for us to see it, we laid some gifts in there for her, photos, toys, teddy's. DH just held me till it was over, and i didnt wantto leave the room coz i knew once i did that it was over :(
We then went to pub and i got quite drunk.. not saying thats the best thing to do by any means, but it sure helped me that day. Jack Daniels was my friend.
Saturday will be hard no matter what you do or how you do it... just remember there are no rules, you can cry as much or as little as you need to, and anyone who is there, is there for you , your DP and your beautiful Hayley.. :hug: And no one will judge how you react. xxoo
:hug: Koby.
Do what you want, if you want to cry, scream or punch everyone in the face, do it.
There are no rules, you can do whatever you wish.
My sister at her son Benjamins funeral was a mess and no one expected her to be anything else.
Dont put any pressure on yourself Koby as no ones expects you to hold it together.
Remember we are all there with you in spirit :hug:
I can't imagine what to say to you right now, because if this were me i'd probably throw myself onto the little coffin and sob loudly the whole way through her service. My only words of advice would be to just do whatever feels 'right' for you and DP. Clutch his hand tight. Perhaps taking a photo of Hayley to hold and then when it gets too much look at her. I'll be thinking of you on Saturday, as I do everyday.
xx
Thinking of you, sweetie. This is a horrific time for you and I wish I could do more than just send virtual hugs and you and your DH.
I'm thinking of you so much.
You don't have to be strong. You are a mother who has lost her child. You can cry and scream and do whatever you want. Don't feel embarressed by what other people may think if you lose it a bit at ther ceremony.
Lean on your DH. Let him lean on you. You guys need each other. Let it all out, otherwise its going to build up and it'll all become very nasty.
You need to grieve for your little girl.
Keep hanging in there. Thinking of you so so much.
It's OK to break down. You will be breaking down every day for a while now. It's so so hard planning your baby's funeral - it feels unreal that you have to do this thing. At the same time, you want it to be perfect. Go slow, make lists, delegate to family where you feel you can (I put mum in charge of flowers and catering). Take time out when you need to.
Neither Dh nor I spoke at our son's funeral. Our lovely celebrant did a wonderful job with our help. We included poems and notes from mummy and daddy. There were notes from grandparents read out. Dad read his own. We had soft baby music. DH carried our baby's little blue coffin out at the end to the hearse. I was crying but OK up til then. That's when I lost it -saying goodbye at the end.
I don't know if you have a chance to see Hayley in her coffin before the funeral. We saw Leo the night before, just the 2 of us. It was important for me to say goodbye and see he looked so beautiful and peaceful. We even took pictures, which we weren't sure we'd do. We put things in his coffin to take with him. We set up the room with pictures of our son and toys and a quilt mum made for him.
For me, it was important that everyone saw he was real and he was perfect, so we had a photo album and other pictures in frames.
Just hang on to your husband. We only wanted each other - I didnt want anyone else touching me. There will be others there to support you and grieve with you, but this is all about you as a family of 3. For you and your DH to honour your baby girl.
I will be thinking of you Saturday.
Do what you need to do. Noone expects anything of you on this day. This day is for you and your DH.
Big :hug:. Will be thinking of you on Saturday and will light a candle for beautiful little Hayley
I second what Tinks said :hug: