The right age to explain?

Hi everyone,
Not sure I am posting this in the right spot, but pretty sure I am.

My DS has just turned 4, and the man that he knows as 'daddy' is really not his biological father.
I met DH when I was 5 months pregnant, so he has been there since day one. So as far as DS knows DH is his daddy.
Ex has nothing to do with DS, never has, and apparently I recall him telling me, if I didn't get rid of the baby he never would :/
But, I am guessing one day down the line, he is eventually going to come back in our lives. Honestly not looking forward to that!

So my question is what is the right age to sit down and try and explain this? A lot of people have told me not to bother, but I am going to tell him, he has a right to know, and I will not lie to my DS.

I have told myself, I will not make Ex out to be a bad person, just in case DS does want to make contact, Because I figure he will eventually make the decision for himself if he is a bad person or not.

DS is very advanced for his age ( I am not gloating, but I am very proud ) lol
I also know that right now, he wouldn't understand, well he would but not to the extent that I need him too.

Please what is a good age to sit him down and explain? I also have a DD to DH, so I am freaking out that DS is going to feel resentment or out of place.

Thank you...

I'd do it now, to be honest. I have no actual experience with this, but I think the sooner you tell him and make him aware of it the more accepting he'll be than say, if you wait til he's 10 or 11...

Ide wait. Just a couple more years until he is able to grasp the situation a little more. 4 is still very young IMO

My best friend told her twins when they were 9 or 10 and it was honestly a very brief conversation. They asked some questions - what did he do, what does he look like, how did they know each other - and that was the end of it. They still consider their 'dad' as their dad because like your situation, he was there from day one. However, unlike your situation, they have separated but they still spend time with him, he is active in their lives. Their 'real' father hasn't met them and I don't think he will unless the kids broach the subject.

I think at this age, maybe reading a book that covers the subject would be a good way to approach it, and you don't have to go into a lot of detail. DH will also play an important part in making DS feel like he is loved and that he doesn't feel any different towards him than he does to DD. In time he may come to ask questions, but like anything, you deal with it as it presents itself. I agree in telling him also, because I have also known a situation where the children weren't told, and when they found out there was a lot of resentment towards the mother for lying.

Often it isn't worth the worry because kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for.

I'm not sure that would have helped, but it was what I have seen and my thoughts.

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the more accepting he'll be than say, if you wait til he's 10 or 11...

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I've sat here thinking about this, rewording my reply over and over. The more I think about it, the more I think I agree with Helle.....

You tell him now, no he will not understand the whole of what youre saying, but over the years he will begin to ask more questions and get a better grasp on the situation.

I've got a friend who is in a similar situation as your son is in. Her "dad" (the man who raised her) is always, and always will be her dad. She doesn't think of him, any differently to that and loves him dearly. From what I understand, she has always known that biologically he isn't her father......

I would wait until he has a little more maturity to grasp the subject fully. I would imagine at this age it would be more upsetting for him to learn such a thing and needs maturity to be able to fully grasp what it is your saying.

this is a tough one, i think you know your child better than anyone else and will know when he is emotionally ready to hear this, i dont think it's a matter of age as all children are different, its more a matter of when you believe he is ready. my step dd at 8 doesn't grasp the full concept of the situation she is in with 2 sets of families, all she understands is that we all love her, the fundamentals of which she's been told but doesnt really understand ie asks if i held her as a baby etc and is shocked when i say no. So as i said i think age is irrelevant, and emotional and mental growth much more relevant.
fwiw i think what you're doing is the right thing, keeping this from him would cause many more problems later.
goodluck

Thank you for all the replies ladies!

I think I may talk it over with DH tonight, and see what he says too. I think mentioning it now could be ok. I just don't want to confuse him at the same time.

If DS by chance says he wants to know Ex, what do I do there? I honestly as bad as it sounds would prefer him not to be in DS life, I know that sounds extremely terrible, but right now, would just blow things up I think.
He may not even ask that, but there is just so much I have to think about, with the well being of DS.

I don't have any experience with this but maybe try and find some advice for adoptive parents ... it is pretty much the same situation where his biological dad has given up parental responsibility and rights and your partner is his dad - exactly like most adoption situations (without the official paperwork). I think there is heaps of info out there on what to do with adoption and how to explain it to kids and that might be your best bet.

Good luck :)

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I don't have any experience with this but maybe try and find some advice for adoptive parents ... it is pretty much the same situation where his biological dad has given up parental responsibility and rights and your partner is his dad - exactly like most adoption situations (without the official paperwork). I think there is heaps of info out there on what to do with adoption and how to explain it to kids and that might be your best bet.

Good luck :)

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Great Idea :)

I'd probably tell him now. He may not grasp all of it, but he'll grow up "knowing". It won't change a thing but he'll know the facts. I wouldn't like it to be a big moment, just something that he learned along the way. Good luck with whatever you decide :hug:

I think the sooner the better.
At his age he'll accept it as his normal and as he gets older he will understand better but IMO the longer you leave the talk the harder it will be to have it.
Also if you expect the sperm donor to drop back in one day it's best to explain on your terms now rather than have your hand forced when he shows up. After all.... it could be next month.....

If he wants to know your ex I think that it's his right to meet him unless you have any reason to believe that he would be in danger from him. That sucks for you but sometimes parenting and doing the right thing does suck.

Here is some info to get you started ... I just found this on google but they do have strategies and some good advice that you might find useful :)

Explaining Adoption to Your Child -

Just Me thank you for the link, I am reading it now. It does have some very useful tips in it :)

Everyone thank you so much, you have all put in different aspects of the situation, and it has helped me. Will still talk with DH tonight, but I think you are mostly right about telling him sooner rather than later.

Onyx no danger (I dont think), although I also remember his mother saying if I was to have this child she would never have anything to do with it, and me being stubborn as I am, kind of want to keep it that way :/ But your right sometimes parenting does suck!!

Thank you ladies big hugs!!!

my sister an i have different dads she is 13 years younger than me. we told her when she was about 4, too young to really understand but just knew the facts, then as she got older we would talk about it from time to time and she would understand more each time.i think this really worked for us as it was never a surprise. it was always just known and wasnt a big deal ever. if you think he could grasp the basics then maybe now could be a good time, maybe you can avoid the whole shock of the facts. at the end of the day, you know your boy and if it feels right then go for it.
i doubt that at 4 your ds would say that wants to see ex, maybe something to deal with down the line...just speculating though.
hugs.

I grew up with a different situation with my family structure and my mother lied about it. It was not till I was 18 and after a very troubling time my SIL told me that my parents we never married. I had grown up believing that my parents divorced when I was 3 and that is what I told everyone.

I was not shocked, nor did I have a problem with that fact they were not married, I was just so hurt and humiliated by the lie. My mother had taken my father's name and even wore a wedding ring, but there were things that never added up. She could never explain the lack of wedding photos and would make excuses about why I could not get my full birth certificate, I could only ever have the extract. I understand why she did it, as it was not the "done thing" back then to live in "sin" and have a child out of marriage, but I still felt that she should have explained it to me and then explained why it was not something to be running around telling the world.

I think certainly say something before he becomes a teen. Best of luck with it all.

I think if he wants to meet his Dad then you just say "sure, when you're old enough to go visit, I'll help you find out where he lives". My younger sister has a different Dad to me and she always knew. She's never asked to meet him though. Sometimes she asked a few more details and I'd tell her whatever I knew of him and her other 1/2 siblings but that's as far as it's gone. My dad has told her he thinks of her as another daughter and I think she's happy with that- she sees him as her father figure.

I was told that my father was not really my father when I was in year 4 soooo when I was 9. I was only told because mother had split up with him and my other 3 siblings (his biological kids) went with him on weekends. It was an awful situation and my mother never had conversations with me about it but I'm sure you will handle it a whole lot better than my family who have always had communication issues.

I would have liked to be told earlier esp because the split was not very pleasant and my sisters were absolutely horrible to me when they came back after visiting their father (you're not our real sister blah blah blah).

Anyways I say communicating in a language suitable for your son now and then keep communication open for when he wants to ask questions. I've had the most wonderful step father for the last 25 years so it all worked out for me. The only time mother has mentioned my biological father was in a letter when he died and I only found out his name last year.

My father & stepmother were in a very similar situation and it was always an open topic, never hidden or anything that had to be 'sat down' & explained. I can't remember exactly how they dealt with it, I was too young but I know it was something my sister knew from very early on.

My DH came along when my DD was 11 months old. We explained it to her as early as she was able to understand and it's never been an issue.

I think when they start asking questions about where babies come from is a great opportunity to explain (after whatever other explanation you choose to give ;)) that there's more than one definition of a father or mother.

For example, what we told DD was that some daddies are daddies because they help to make the babies, others are daddies who live with you and love you.

i have an age appropriate idea.

google "todd parr" (he's an author) and his book about "families".

it's a brightly coloured, naive art style story book, which is all about how families come in different shapes, sizes, colours etc.

it's a great way to INTRODUCE concepts, that you can flesh out later on.

i think it would be a great INTRODUCTION. SOmething to build on, for when you do tell him more.

Maybe see a counsellor that deals with families, children, to get some advice on how and when to tell your DS. Someone that sees young children in this situation on a regular basis.

in my city, there is a program called iKids, that is where i would ask for this kind of help. (they help young children dealing with separation issues).

Hi ladies,
Just checking in. My DH and my self have decided that we will tell him. We just haven't yet as he has been unwell. So in the next couple of days we are going to let him know, leave it open for discussion, but not push it either :)
Thanks to everyone who helped me in this situation xx

good luck with it all Missy, hope it goes well.

As a mother of an adopted child my advice would be to tell him now, its never too early to start talking about it.

Hello Missy

I was in a similar situation to you.

When I was pg, my then partner decided that he "wasn't ready to be a father". To cut a very long story short: he made the decision to leave our lives when I was 4 months pg. When DS1 was born, I called to advise him. He still wasn't interested. I told him that was fine but that I wanted a promise from him that if DS1 ever wanted to know who he was he wouldn't deny him. I held him to that promise when DS1 turned 5 and finally met him. It was priceless! My little man was trying so hard to connect but it was like he realised that they had nothing in common and he was the one trying to let his father down gently. They haven't had any contact since and neither party is disappointed with the outcome.

I never actually told DS1 about his father until he asked me (he was around 4 at the time). He knew that he didn't have a "father" and he knew that other children had them he just accepted our life the way it was. I told him the facts without emotion on my behalf. I didn't want him to pick up on any anger/hurt that I might inadvertently pass onto him and colour his judgement. I didn't feel the need to shower him with extra "your so special's" - he already knew that he was special and that he was the centre of my life. He was loved by all his family and that was all that mattered.

I realise that your situation is quite different but don't underestimate him.

You could try to initiate conversation with him by showing him pictures of you before you met DH and then maybe point to your tummy and say that he was there already???? Um, maybe then you could say how happy DH was to find out that he not only met you but that he also got DS. He might go away and think about it before barraging you with questions.

Good luck!!!

You are absolutely right when you say that he has a right to know. I think the younger he is the easier it will be for him - kids are amazing.