I'm writing an article for grandparents and am after your stories and experiences of what your parents did for you to help you when you had your newborn baby? Is there anything you would have liked them to do?
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I'm writing an article for grandparents and am after your stories and experiences of what your parents did for you to help you when you had your newborn baby? Is there anything you would have liked them to do?
After DS was born, my mum came round several times a week just to watch him while I got a little bit of sleep. She even managed to get some dinner cooked, laundry done and the floor swept! A whole lot more than I was capable of in my stressed-out, sleep-deprived state!
Sometimes just stopping by on the way somewhere (my parents live an hour away) helps give me a break as she'll happily chat to DS while holding her newest grandchild.
My Mum cooked us meals and would sometimes take dd for a couple of hours so we could sleep. The meals were the big thing though since we were so tired if it had been up to us we would have lived on Maccas for 6 weeks!
Food :D bringing meals with them was a huge help. Especially if for example, they brought pasta to go with the homemade sauce.
Told me I was doing a good job :) didn't smother me, let DH and I have space to figure things out. Only gave advice when asked! Plus, helped with meals and housework etc. They helped more when my DH went back to work.
Gave us space!
They made sure we knew they were there if we needed them - no matter what time of day, no matter how silly the question was - but they made sure we knew it was on our terms not theres!
My parents did nothing :( My mum lived 4 hours away and my dad had no idea really. I would have loved it if they'd even thought to help me.
My parents are usually pretty thoughtful. One thing that seemed to help me so much in the hospital was that mum brought me a fruit basket. It might sound like a small thing but it was so nice having fresh fruit - a sign of life in an environment that was so clinical and bare. The fibre probably helped too ;)
With DD1 she came down and looked after her so I could shower and nap, she cleaned and cooked too. With DD2 she came and looked after DD1 when I was in hospital. Once again she cleaned and cooked - however she did overstay her welcome when I got home from hospital and I did have to ask her to leave so that DP, DD1, DD2 and I could spend some time together.
After DD was born they gave us space for a few weeks and then visited for 2weeks (we lived in QLD at the time and they lived in NSW) dad didnt really do much but i appreciated his company and mum was a great help and with DS they looked after DD for us as they were visiting for the long weekend which we both really appreciated. I would have liked to spend more time with them being that we live in different states still
When DS1 was born, for the first few weeks mum came down to our house for the day a few times, then when DH went back to work she would come and stay overnight once a week (she lives about 45km away).
Mum helped with everything - she helped me with DS1 (as until then the most I'd had to do with babies was hold them and that was only brief) - giving me guidance and watching him while I rested. She also did pretty much all my housework - from washing up, putting dishes away, doing my washing, hanging it out, sorting it, helped me make dinner, bought us dinner (take out), ironing, vacuuming, dusting...everything! She would also race into DS1 when he would wake on the morning she'd stay so I could have that little more sleep - DS1 would be all changed and just be ready for a feed when she would come wake me for his feed. Alot were done together with me, but when she'd tell me to go rest she would just do stuff. I'd come out to find the washing in and sorted and ironed, or the dishes we'd eaten lunch with all away - and I'd keep telling her thankyou, but she doesn't need to do all that, but it was all greatly appreciated.
When DS2 arrived, she would take DS1 up to there house to stay 1 or 2 nights, and also continue to visit weekly (with occassional overnight stays, though not like DS1 - as we no longer have a spare bed and this time I was obviously more confident with what I was doing).
Even now she continues to help out - comes down to our house once a week to look after both my boys while I go to work and then on the other 2 days I work she takes DS2 back to stay at their house (DS1 is in child care - we are still waiting for a position for DS2 and I've been back at work over just over 4 months now).
I know I have been very blessed with such a wonderful and caring mum.
I would have loved a few meals cooked & the floors swept every now & again. A couple of loads of washing done. Really basic, practical stuff.
Me either and my mum lives 20 min away. Mil was a surprise arrival day I got home from hospital and just annoyed crap out of me:
Brought me lunch -really healthy lunch- while I was pinned to the couch. Ditto for cups of tea. Vacuumed, did loads of washing. Encouraged me to have sleeps, and praised me for doing so. Did an emergency chemist run for dummies. Went out to the shops and came back with mountains of fresh beautiful food. She was staying with us, and for at least a few hours a day she kept to herself so DD and DH and I could have our own time to get to know each other.
i would have loved to have parents around. It felt really sad to have no grandparents to show bilby to, to delight in her, to be glad she was earthside.
my parents were lovely but i really, really wished they'd brought us some more meals! i think we were given 2 meals - one from my parents & one from DP's mum. not that i expected heaps but i didn't realise what a struggle dinnertime would be & that it was when a NB was often the most...vocal :lol: alot of it's my fault though - i am useless at asking for help & if people said anything, i just said we were fine. my mum has bad arthritis so as much as housework-type of help would have been great, she's not able to (but she is a great cook!)
ETA - what i loved about DP's mum was that she would come & offer to help by hanging out washing, doing dishes etc but would also offer to hold DS - because sometimes i just really wanted the opportunity to do a mundane task like the dishes instead of being stuck on the couch!!
No help from my parents either :( I just wished they did for me what they did for my siblings and SIL. Meals, shopping & house cleaning :dunno:
I only just recently confronted them about this and their answer was "we thought you were ok" :wall: Yeh right! DS born 15 weeks early, trips to the hospital up to 4 times/day, expressing every 3 hours meanwhile trying to be a mum to 2 other children, a wife and keeping a small business afloat. 106 days of riding the NICU/SCN rollercoaster and not one inch of help from parents that lived 20 mins away.....Sorry for the vent!
Note to Grandparents:- Please don't assume everything is ok. Even the strongest person at sometime in their life may need a little help and sometimes a little help goes a long way.
yes this.:
Even a text message to see how we were doing would have been nice.
My mil was and still is a god sent! It did however take me almost a year to accept her help was genuine and not a plot to steal my children from me!! :) my mum on the other hand did zero. I remember my dad asking her to hang out the washing for me one day during a visit and she gave him the look of death! My inlaws still bring around meals help out with washing pick up our dog poop! They take excess rubbish home and the list goes on! And just to talk them up a little more my mil is 74 this year!
I think the best thing any parent can do is be EXTREMELY positive. Say nothing but lovely things - you're doing a great job, you are a great mum, your baby is lucky to have such great parents, you have chosen such a lovely pram, etc etc. Be supportive, bite your tongue if you don't approve, etc.
My mum was amazing too, coming by to watch DD while I slept and she would do all the housework. She made up about 2 weeks of meals and for about a month after birth, she dropped in every arvo for me to have a shower - love that woman!! She is still so great and has DD twice a week while I work. I often still come home to tea made or washing folded or something. Sometimes she grabs a hamper full of clothes and wages them at home before bringing them back. I think the biggest thing is the help has been ongoing and didn't end after a week or two.
My mil wasn't worth a pinch of **** lol
^^^^^ yes rory, spot on! Encouragement and SUPPORT
not living near them, they came a few days after bubs was born. they DIDN't stay with us, nor ask to... which was very appreciated.
they just mucked in and helped. cooked, cleaned, walked the dog, took the bins out. They just treated my home like theirs, not like they were on holiday to 'care for the baby'. They really looked after DH and I and let us find our feet with a new baby. and they also gave us space :)
It was so lovley not having to ask and just having support without opinions or advice... unless we asked. they really stood back and let us muddle thorugh, like we needed to.
dad also coped well with the whole boobs hanging out thing lol i was pumping and having trouble feeding and basically said to him "if you are uncomfy you have to leave as i'm not hiding away in my bedroom all day". after that he was fine even cracking his dad's jokes about me being a "daisy" ie very efficient milker lol.
this time round, mum is coming to care for DS and spoil him and make sure he doesn't feel forgotten when the new bub arrives :)
hth
My mum was awesome, she brought food over and cleaned my floors and did the ironing. She was so encouraging and happy to help in any way she could. Even just being on the other end of the phone while I cried was a great help.
Parents live 5 hours away, so plenty of space given... but it would have been awesome if my mum had accepted that things have changed since I came into the world and I don't have to parent the way she did.
My mum isn't really the cleaning type... She did spend nearly two weeks coming around every day watching bubs when I slept or showered, made sure I ate lunch and generally just hung around & was company for me - that was enough. My DH is very hands on & did alot with our DD (& still does). He took nearly 3 weeks off when she was born, then I had mum for a couple of weeks then my in laws after that.
Ignored my "No, it's fine and all under control" reply and got up and did the dishes anyway! (But I'm terrible at accepting/asking for help, and MIL knew it.)
Kell I need multiple choice for the poll lol.
When it was happening, I thought my mum and dad were doing nothing, but now years down the track, my mum finally tells me that she thought I was awesome at it and so prepared, and that she wanted to give me space to find my feet. When I was sleep deprived they would make my bed up at home in my old room all clean and fresh (in a huge house where I couldn't be disturbed) and look after DD while I slept.
Much later she found out how bad my PND was and how ill I really was. After the birth of DS and I was ill (again) and we were grateful DS was alive, Mum and Dad took DD home with them for a week to let us get to know our newest little guy. At first I was horrified, as she'd never been away from me and it was 600km away, but it was the best gift anyone could have given me.
The ILs however knew we weren't real keen on a baby pass the parcel, and knew DH wanted them to help out and so they stayed away both times.
Mine didn't ask to stay just expected to :( 4 days later she went home:
Apart from being my midwife for all three pregnancies and delivering the last two (first ended in emergency c-section), my mother has done everything! When my first son was born at aged 19, my boyfriend (now husband 10 years on) still lived with my parents. She moved into my sisters room up stairs and got up with me at every night feed for the first week to help me with breastfeeding, and even took my ds1 after the feed sometimes, so I could go back to sleep. With my second son, she moved in with us for a week, cooked dinners, took the baby into the lounge room at 1am so DH and I could sleep, did washing, babysat ds1 (aged 7 by this time) and again, got up with mist feeds during the night for the first week to help with breastfeeding - ds2 had lots of trouble attaching, but after 7 weeks, we got there! Then with DD (born 12 weeks ago) she cooked a weeks worth of meals, came over and made lunches, and was just there everyday for support and a cup of tea! She couldn't have done more! She is a beautiful mother, friend and amazing midwife, so I had the best of everything!
My mum and dad have always been there since having dd. They worked with her feeds to get dh and I a few hours alone which was a godsend. They offer advice, but never push it onto us like the mil did. They would never give Harlee back just because she was upset or needed a nappy change, they would actually help out. Even 11 months on they are still here and as supportive as they were at the start, it wasn't just the honeymoon period. Love my parents to bits :)
My mum was so much help to me for the first few months after DS arrived. She would quite often spend anywhere from 3 to 6 hours a day with me (except the weekends when DF was home), and helped with things like cleaning, washing, cooking, looking after DS when I went for an hour or so to nap (my parents only live 5 minutes away). I was a real zombie for the first 6 weeks or so, she was just a godsend. My dad on the other hand took a long time to bond with DS (Cam is their first earthside grandchild) but one day he just started picking him up and spending heaps more time with him and then every time DS saw his grandad he only wanted to be help by him! You can only imagine how my poor mum felt ;) Suddenly, grandad was his fave! And he didn't even know how to change DS's nappy or feed him! Now my brother has a little one and we hardly see my parents unless we pop in once or twice a week to see them or they pop in on the odd occasion. I know that my brother and his wife are getting lots of help from my parents which is great (brother and SIL live with my parents).
So thanks mum and dad!!
When DD1 was born my folks were living 2 hours away, but Mum still drove up at least once per week to visit us but never stayed overnight. I would never let anyone clean my house, do my washing etc, but Mum was great in settling DD1, changing nappies, making lunch etc.
With DD2, born 12 months after DD1, my Mum literally saved my life. They moved house so they were closer to us. DD2 was pretty sick for months after birth and spent most of her little life screaming. Again, Mum did the nappy changes, lunch, coffees etc as well as endlessly walking the floors trying to settle DD2 - all while entertaining DD1. She also realised I was suffering from very severe PND and simply stepped in. She came to me three days per week and I went to her one day per week. While Mum didn't wash, cook, clean etc simply having her there supporting me was priceless.
My ILs on the other hand couldn't have been more useless . . .
My Mum stayed in our spare room the first 2 weeks, she got up when I did for 3am feeds and helped me with breastfeeding, especially attachment, calmed me down when I was getting frustrated, helped settle bubs. Biggest help was her encouraging me to continue breastfeeding and to not be afraid to take bubs off if he was not attached properly and to try again. I don't think I would of continued breastfeeding without her support!
She also cooked, cleaned, washed and did the groceries!
Oh it makes me sad for those of you who wanted parents to care and they didn't.
My Mum was great - reassuring, gave advice when asked, but generally told me I was doing a great job and gave us space when needed, and helped with things like shopping etc. Came and finished all my cooking (I went into labour mid 'cook up' to fill my freezer with meals for after babies arrival). I think the best thing grandparents can do is offer lots of reassurance and hold their tongue if they dont agree with something. And pratical help for the sleep deprived parents is so appreciated - meals cooked, washing folded, bathroom cleaned etc.
MIL - useless - basically had to be waited on hand and foot so SHE could have cuddles, had to be told to stop dropping in unannounced at innappropriate times and said things like "You'll spoil him" when I picked up a crying 2 week old, and told me that I could breastfeed in their bedroom for privacy when we did the right thing and visited, er ok? Needless to say she has limited influence over DS now
My parents were fantastic. Mum would come around with home cooked meals, allowed me to have a sleep for a few hours between feeds tucked up in their bed whilst looking after my daughter, took bubs for a walk while i have a 20 minute massage to get all the muscles relaxed and a bit of me time and gave me lots of cuddles when i looked like i needed one.Mum was never in the way just fluttered in and out to give us time to settle in just the 2 of us. Now that i am back at work FT, my parents look after her everyday.
My Dad has filled in as the predominent male in my daughters life and always has spent time telling Ruby stories and now she is older teaching her the timestables at 2yrs old.
I am blessed to have such wonderful supportive parents.
My Mum was a bit shell shocked and scared about stepping on our toes when we had our first baby so only came over if we invited her, though she did cook and freeze a few meals for us. She wanted to be there but I think she was worried ... she came whenever I rang and asked for help.
For my last baby, there was a possibility I would need a c/section but I had three toddlers and DH could only get 2 weeks off work. My mum organised 10 weeks of service leave starting the week before my c/section. She came over the night before I had to go in and cooked dinner and looked after our kids while we went out to dinner. She then moved pretty much moved in on the morning of my c/section and was here until I came home from hospital so she could care for our kids and DH didn't have to worry.
Mum pretty much left us alone then for a couple of weeks except for dropping a couple of meals around for us. Then when DH went back to work, Mum came here every morning, cooked, cleaned, did washing and looked after my three eldest kids all day while I just took care of our baby. She drove me whereever I needed to go including playgroup and mothers' group and she looked after my older kids while I spent time with friends. I still find it amazing that my mum did that for us. I was missing my independence by the six week mark, but I love what my mum did. It also took a lot of pressure off DH and he felt okay going to work because he didn't have to worry about me and the kids.
Other things my mum has done for us:
- She set up her house with everything that we need so we don't have to take anything when we visit her.
- She always changes the kids' nappies whenever she is around. It is so lovely because I am so over dirty nappies and it really doesn't seem to bother her. I really appreciate that she gives me a break from this job whenever she is there.
I'm sure I've got a few more things that I could list here but those are just a few to start with ...
My mum lives in UK, so wasn't around when DS was first born. My dad I guess didn't know or think that I might need help, and I guess I was too embarrassed to ask for it. My MIL was in hospital fighting a Leukaemia relapse, and my FIL had enough on his plate to deal with, with that. DH was also visiting his mum heaps (of course), but it made me feel like I couldn't lean on him emotionally. So we were pretty much left to our own devices. It was a very tough time, I do wonder if things were different maybe I would have coped better with a baby in general.
So very jealous of those who have had such great support, but I'm certainly sure I'm going to do everything I can if my sis or kids ever have a baby.