Lonely

Being alone, looking after my beautiful daughters every need, day in, day out....it's so lonely :( I've been doing this all by myself for a little over two weeks now. I don't really feel up to talking about how things are going with DH, some days are better than others, but everything is still very confusing and painful and sad.

What has affected me the most though is just how lonely I am. I've managed to block out and squash down the terrible pain in my heart, for DD's sake, but I still haven't gotten the hang of the suffocating loneliness. Eating alone, commenting on a tv show and realising nobody is there to reply to you, all those stupid little things that I now realise were the bread and butter of my life. Ofcorse DD is now the light of my life, even at my lowest points I know I am doing it all for her...it's still so hard though. I miss the weight of a second person on the mattress, I miss two sets of dishes in the sink. I don't know who I am by myself anymore. And I don't want to have to know, to be honest. I grieve the life I thought we had so, so fiercely that sometimes I can hardly breathe.

Sometimes I have thoughts of just leaving DD with DH or mum for a night and just going out and dancing. And drinking. Lots. Not because I'm young, that's all BS, but because I. Just. Want. To. Forget. About. Everything. Yes, I know that is a totally awful way to think, and I'm not going to act on it because I'm aware I have a small and precious child who needs me. But I can't stop feeling that way...I want to look and feel pretty, screw it, look SEXY and have other people think I am too. Maybe I'd dance with some cute guys. **** it, I just don't know.

There's no point to this post. I'm tired, so tired of everything. If I didn't have DD to wake up for every morning. I dunno.

*massive hugs beautiful*

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I just wanted to send you some massive hugs. Having a new bub is hard, but you are obviously going through something that is making it even harder.
You probably do need to take some time out for you alone though, can you leave your previous DD with your mum and pamper yourself for an hour or two. A new hair do, can make you feel fabulous!

Hugs to you and your DD.

i hear you, it IS lonely, it IS hard. Totally understandable that you have daydreams of escaping reality. You actually are very young, so will still be young and sexy and beautiful, once your DDs are older.

Moving house and resettling anywhere takes time. Whole new dimension when you add all the breakup, renegotiating a new r'ship with your x, as ongoing co-parents, - plus caring for your newborn.

Are you enjoying the L n E meals? i hope you're eating, to take care of yourself, even if your mood has affected your appetite. So hard to eat when you're stressed/feeling down (entirely understandable).

big hugs to you.

Oh hunny i just burst into tears reading this. I can just feel the heartache and lonelyness (sp?) that you are feeling.

While i didn't have any children. I know what you mean about wanting to go out and feel sexy. Back in 2008 me and DP went through a really rough patch, he was trying to be controlling we fought constantly, he started ignoring me so to make myself feel better me and a friend went out every thursday, friday and saturday night. I got absolutely smashed to the point where id have to be carried out of clubs, i danced and flirted with other boys while i didnt do anything it was nice to get that attention. Looking back i was so incredibly lonely, it was an awful feeling... i am so sorry you are feeling like this :hug: :hug:

:hug: I think being with being SAHM, for me the hardest bit was the loneliness. I didn't expect it to happen and when it did, it was horrible. DH worked long hours (leaving 6 in the morning, often returning at 10 or 11 at night), mum was overseas for six months and my friends...well I'm still wondering where they went. It was the sameness of every day. I started to go for a walk. Get some air, smile at people. Talked to my dogs a lot.

My circumstances are different to yours. Sometimes that loneliness still sets in, even now. I regret not joining a mother's group. Just to have someone to talk to. I found on the days where I did see someone made for easier nights. Been thinking of you lots hun :hug:

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Sent from my iPad

Oh hunni, just sending you some massive hugs and I wish I could make this all go away and make your life happy again. Thinking of you and your beautiful princess :hug::hug::hug:

Hugs hun, could you get your mum to come and stay for a bit or a friend?

Who says you can't feel sexy or go out just because you're a mum? Did I miss that memo? I must have. And I must be a god awful mother for going out a few months after DD was born to let my hair down, when she was in the safe care of her father. Horrid. What next's next... neglect? Abuse? Quick call DoCS.

It is NORMAL to feel like this. And there is nothing wrong with wanting a night out. So start planning one. I'm not telling you to go out and get wasted... you probably wouldn't even need a drop of alcohol to have a good time... I daresay the high of being your own person for an evening would be enough (even if it takes you half the night to get over the fact you feel like someone chopped your arm off because she's not with you). And I'll tell you now... what you are going through IS normal. And don't say pfft to age. Age does play a part of it IMO. Not because you're an immature git, who wants to go out to party. But because you're used to having your freedom. I was the same. And it's HARD when you know pretty much no one your age going through what you're going through. Priorities change, instead of dramas about what you're going to wear, becomes OMG can I find something without spew or poo on it?! It ALL changes. And yes sometimes you look back and think, gawd I took my life for granted. And other times you'll sit there and you'll smell that little head, and you'll kiss it and you'll think... what the hell did I do with my life before this!?! AND... (thank goodness I'm typing and don't need to take a breath!) you have just seperated from the love of your life, and you are struggling with the emotions of that. And y'know what this isn't what you had planned damnit. You weren't supposed to be doing this on your own. You had written the story... and this wasn't the freakin' ending dammit. YOU and HIM were going to do this together. And you look around and see he's missing and go WTF?! SO YES it's ok to be lonely.

YOU will get through this. Your loneliness will fade, and you will find a new normal that is with or without DH. But in the meantime mum does NOT = NO FUN. If you want to let your hair down that does not mean you are careless, neglectful or not as much a mother as the next person. I do not buy into that I will sacrifice myself in order to prove how much I love my children crap. How does that work for you when your kids are 18 and you have no idea who the hell you are. Then you become one of those MIL's that people ***** about on forums who are interfering because they have no life besides their children. Or worse you have a midlife crisis at 30 and go nuts partying every night. I know what I'd rather. The occasional (non wild) night off, whether it's at home, or out... I let my hair down. And I enjoy it. I surround myself with my friends, I talk about other things besides birth, babies, school, children etc etc. And I don't lose touch with who I am. What my needs are...

Do not fall into the mummy has no life trap. And pick up that thing called a phone and reach out to those who want to be there for you, and they don't have to have babies to keep you company. And if they bring up the separation and you don't want to talk about it be straight... get the elephant out of the room and then enjoy some awesome company.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... the first few months of being a mummy can be lonely... and on it's own so can separation... and you've done both in the space of a month... So be kind to yourself. And be selfish. It will keep you sane. xxx

Oh I forgot some of these :hug: xx

It is very, very lonely. Especially at first and especially with DD so young. She will grow though and start babbling, even now she listens to you very intently. It was so hard at first, the thing I missed most was not having that person to share things about DD with; when she first smiled or rolled over or someone to just discuss parenting junk with, ideas and such. It got better as she grew older and became more a "person", I know babies are people but you know, I dunno, just as her interactions grew I guess.

It is also very exhausting being a single parent, doing everything alone and there is nothing wrong with needing/wanting a break! That's normal, very normal; for all parents actually. Even now there are plenty of times I just feel like a moment to forget my Mummy pants and breathe.

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Massive hugs babe. Lots of love xxxx

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Sending so much love :hug:

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I couldn't read and not respond pz.

I don't have any wise words really, other than to say that I bet isla is replying to your comments you've been making at the tv - she's just doing it in other ways ;).

Big hugs!

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Hug PZ..... You sound so sad. :hug:

Listen to rouge..... She's so right x


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - I wonder what the kids are up to....Better go!

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im so so sorry. send love hugs and strength.

Oh man, exactly what Rouge said! Of you can work out the logistics of leaving DD with your mum then go out! I think alcomahol prob isn't your friend in circumstances like this (depending on what type of drinker you are...you'd hate to get p!ssy and emotional and spend the night in the toilet crying...not that i've ever done that :hide: )

But I really think tht even just the process of getting ready with a friend, having a giggle and doing your hair, would be great. Go out, have a boogie, make eye contact with a ridiculously gorgeous (probably gay :rolleyes: man) and just let it all go for a night.

I understand the lonliness, it's horrible. It's really horrible but all you can do is take it one day at a time. And like a PP said DON'T BE A MARTYR. It's your life goddammit, if you want to go out and let your hair down, or even stay in and have a girly night, then do it...I just wish I was closer xxx

:hug: You and everyone else here already know that Rouge is a wise woman... listen and start planning and although it is corny as, time really does heal and make things easier. You will never forget but it does get easier to breathe. xoxoxo

I'm another one who agrees with Rouge (strange that heh lol) It is so hard being a single mum (I did it with a newborn, then I did it with 3). If you have friends close by then get them to come over for a coffee or organise to have dinner (either out or at your place) so that you have some adult conversation. Even after 6 kids I miss the adult conversation. I walked up the shops the other day and spent 15 minutes talking to a guy who runs the real estate lol. Made me feel better :)

:hug: hun we are here for you xxx

:hug: Leave your gorgeous baby to have some quality time with her Gran or Dad and go out and have some fun.
That's an order!!

PZ, Just wanted to say I think you're an amazing woman! You're so darn strong, you might not feel it right now but you are!!!! Look what you've been through in the past 2 years and you've managed to come out the other side with a beautiful baby girl. Go out, have some fun, find out who you are on your own. Being a mum doesn't mean you shouldn't have fun and have your own time. Go and have a few drinks or get pampered, treat yourself to a night out!!! You deserve it. Keep being strong, it will get easier. My thoughts and prayers are with you that in the near future life will be exactly how you dreamed it would be. Hang in there. Big hugs.

i think, an equally valid option is not to go out, without your nb, just yet.

it's individual for each person, but the first time, you leave your baby with someone else, it's a big deal for many mums.

If you are lucky enough to have a Gran, who knows your baby well, and abides by your style of parenting AND you feel ok about leaving your bub with that person - all power to that.

But after reading all those posts, about "leave the bub and go out", i just want to add, that is not the ONLY option.

You really have to do something YOU feel ok about.

Going out somewhere, with support e.g your mum coming too. E.g in the day time, so no cold night air for your newbie.

Going out somewhere you and your DD

Going out somewhere, by yourself, leaving nb with trusted person, maybe building yourself and your baby up to it. E.g one hour the first time, two hours the second time, three hours the third time, or for the length of time she goes between feeds, whatever suits your DD.
It
Tailor this to YOU and YOUR BUB. not what has worked for other people, but what suits your new family.

If you are ready to have time away from your bub, that is fine.
If you are not ready to have time away from your bub, that is fine.

There are things you can do, being with other adults, that involve babies too.
Sometimes when i felt very shy and overwhelmed (when bilby was tiny), having bilby with me, was a conversation starter, it was actually a help to have her with me, because then it took the pressure off me, to have to talk about me. So much easier to talk about your child (well that's how it felt for me anyhoo).

- playgroups (as long as they're not huge)
- aba groups
- community centre classes for new mums
( i found a craft class - for mum - at one near me, when the babies are tiny, you bring your child into the class. Once they are ok to be in a creche, you leave your child in a creche that is 20m away, they come and get you if your child is unhappy) and it's a free creche. I never thought i would find anything like that, but i did. We all cluck over the nbs. Their mums don't get much craft done, but they sit and feed and chat, watch the others doing craft. Then they craft when baby is asleep, and if that doesn't happen, they have still gotten OUT, and chatted with adults. And get to go to the loo by themselves, drink a HOT coffee, as there are many willing people around to cuddle the bub.

i think it is harder once your bub is toddling, strangely enough, when baby is younger, because they are, wherever you put them, so many things are easier (shopping too).

hope i managed to make some sense in amongst all this, thinking of you PZ.

Gigi has a point - if you don't feel comfortable leaving Isla while you go have fun/socialisation somewhere, go somewhere with her and have fun :) If you want, I'm probably going to an ABA meeting tomorrow, and you know you're very welcome to tag along :)


Sent from my iPhone so forgive the speelung misstacks ;)

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i think, an equally valid option is not to go out, without your nb, just yet.

it's individual for each person, but the first time, you leave your baby with someone else, it's a big deal for many mums.

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Have to share the love, but great post by Gigi. I could not leave my newborn for a long time, but found going places with her, where we were both accepted and comfortable, great for my mental health. ABA meeting, coffee with friends, local library, invite a friend to your place, invite a friend to wander through the market or local park...

Thankyou all so much :grouphug: God I was in a dark place last night. I can't help wondering whether things are a little worse than me just feeling blue, whether it might be PND :( I have my app at the GP tomorrow for my 6 week check up, so I might ask then.

My post didn't make the most sense last night...I don't have an issue with going out, new mummy or not, but I think, to have the mentality that I have atm, to want to go out and get ****faced and engage in risky behaviour, (I come from a family of addictive personalities abs know why my own triggers are), THAT is what I could not do with a NB.

Rouge, love you.

I am off to have a nice dinner with my mum. Not dancing, but it'll do nicely :) I even put on a new pair of skinny black jeans I've had tucked away, a nice pair of shoes and washed my hair. I feel nice, for now.

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I am off to have a nice dinner with my mum. Not dancing, but it'll do nicely :) I even put on a new pair of skinny black jeans I've had tucked away, a nice pair of shoes and washed my hair. I feel nice, for now.

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That's the way babe :hug: it's amazing what a spesh set of clothes and a dinner out can do for morale xx

I'm glad you're looking after yourself hun. And if you ever want to just go out, I can be your behaviour bouncer. I'm good at that ;) And believe it or not I DO know how to have fun WITHOUT vodka :p

Love you too xxx :hug:

Hugs hun... your first post made sense. I get it xoxox Hope you have an awesome dinner xo

There is a difference between THINKING about doing risky behaviour, and actually DOING risky behaviour. Many people, when in very stressful situations, think, what the hell, doesn't matter - and then do some pretty self destructive stuff. Maybe, without Isla, in this situation (r'ship breakup), you might go do some stuff, but this time you didn't - maybe the difference is Isla.

Babies arrive and we assume, they need US, they need to learn so much.
But sometimes, we need THEM, and we can learn from what we go thru, being a mum.
(this is what i have learnt, from having a bub).

my DD didn't talk until three, i thought it would never happen!
i needed to learn patience, and boy, did i learn patience from that.
but in the meantime, from when she was a newbie, i was amazed how much we communicated just with eyes, looks, facial expressions. Watching them everyday, you notice all the differences, and the first time they communicate to you, that they understand humour, and are trying on purpose to make YOU laugh - it's priceless.

i hope you have a great time tonight, you are amazing to be in skinny jeans already!

I hope you have a fabulous time tonight, PZ.

And if you ever want to catch up for a coffee in town, let us know: there's a few of us working in there, and coffee solves all.

:hug:

hope you had a nice change of scenary tonight. :D As always Rouge said everything else perfectly.

I know this sounds corny, but I love you guys :)

Gigi...you are such an amazing support to me through all of this, your advice and wisdom is amazing.

Rouge, I'll take you up on that...maybe just one, teeny tiny vodka ;) You'll make a great behaviour bouncer :p

I had a lovely dinner with mum. Went to a nice pub on chapel st, DD was so happy and content. I felt (and still feel) pretty :) Had a good convo with DH too earlier this evening, I feel a little better about life today.