Do you use the word 'naughty'??

I think I must have read an artice or something a long time ago about using the word 'naughty' with kids. Saying something about how you shouldn't say 'naughty girl' etc because then the child forms the opinion that they are naughty rather than what they did was naughty itms. Anyway, so DH and I decided we wouldn't use the word 'naughty' with DD. I never have called her naughty.

Just wondering if other people do the same? And what do you say instead? Sometimes I have trouble thinking of what to say but usually just explain 'we can't do that because...'

And what do you do about other people? Like when grandparents are around? My grandmother often uses it. She will say 'don't do that, that's naughty' a lot but I don't see her much coz she lives far away so I have let it slide for now. But I think I will have to say something next time because DD is getting older. Don't want to offend her though.

Do you use the word 'naughty'?

DP feels really strongly about not labelling children as naughty because of his own experiences. So I tell DD sometimes that what she did was naughty, but never that she was naughty herself. We try to focus on the behaviour. TBH I've rarely used the word itself, because it's often easier/better to specify what was wrong with the behaviour (ie that was disrespectful, that was dangerous, wasn't very nice, etc).

thinking about it, i don't think i do. and it hasn't really been a conscious thing on my part but i'm also pretty sure my mum never used it for the reason you mentioned, so maybe that's had a sub-conscious effect on me?

I have said to Moo a few times that he's being very naughty, but I don't feel good about it. So I've been saying that what he's doing is not making Mummy very happy. Then I follow it up with what I would like to see ITMS. So if he's throwing his blocks around I'll say "Moo it makes Mummy sad when you throw your toys, I'm worried you're going to hit the cats. How about you help Mummy pack them up so we can do a puzzle instead?" He's only just turned 2 so this works at the moment.

I haven't had to deal with anyone else calling him something I'm not comfortable with and probably won't as we're not near any family. But if it did happen I would deal with him as I normally would, then explain to the person that that's what Moo responds to.

No. I agree with the labelling thing. I don't label my children as naughty or bad. They are not naughty or bad, it's the behaviour which is undesirable so I name the behaviour. Though I do tell them that they hurt someone (if that's what they've done) Eg, 'Hitting L hurts. Hitting is not nice. You hurt L when you hit him.'
Being a childcare worker, I have been taught to not use labelling words like that though. Although I have found being a full time SAHM for so long (coming up to 2yrs now!!) I am losing my diplomacy!

I do call my Ds naughty, never really thought much about it. I can understand where your coming from but in saying that I call a shovel a shovel and if his behaviour is innapropriate or naughty I will tell him I think so. Usually when I say stop that its naughty or stop being naughty he knows he better stop otherwise theere will be consiquences. Dont remember if I was called naughty as a child but I was definatly smacked and prefer to use naughty rather than that. Guess were all different and use whatever works.
Interested in hearing more about it tho, if it is damaging to the child i had seriously never thought about it.

you know, I didn't want to... but I have ended up using naughty and bad. Not him, but what he's done. It's probably a fine distinction, though. I struggle to find adequate language to explain why handing me a piece of paper with poo on it (for example) is not a good thing to do....

I only use it very rarely to label behaviour because I think that usually a more specific label is more appropriate. If they are shouting in a restaurant that is inconsiderate or if one of them snatches from the other that is rude and so on. Handing over poo paper is unsanitary ;)
IMO naughty is too vague and too subjective and it doesn't adequately explain what is wrong with the behaviour.

:

---

I struggle to find adequate language to explain why handing me a piece of paper with poo on it (for example) is not a good thing to do....

---

:ROFL:

I tell DD that her actions are naughty.

I once told her that she was naughty, and it left a foul feeling in my heart as I said it in anger and even knew at the time that it was cruel of me to say it.

And TBH i do think that they can get the distinction. i see it that we are showing them to our best ability some socially acceptable behaviours. So, when DD1 draws all over the couch with pens i will tell her that it was really naughty to draw on the couch because she knows that she is only allowed to draw on paper.

(and then i run from the room hyperventilating because it is my *BRAND* new king furniture couch :rofl:)

Heaven your timing is impeccable. This is something that I am really starting to struggle with...I have used the word naughty and I don't like it, so I have been thinking about stopping. I don't want her calling herself a naughty girl and as she repeats everything I say, if I continue its bound to happen.

Onyx, I like your thinking - describe the behaviour adequately. What about physical agression - DD is getting really physical with DS, she'll grab his collar and pull or give him a shove or something... what would I call that, more specific than naughty??

you know what we use a lot? unhelpful. helpful is good, and gets a good response. unhelpful is not. it kind of works. except when DS doesn't want to be helpful.

Just remembered my DS when I say dont do that thats naughty he says i'm not naughty mum, im Lucas so he may not quite uderstand it yet lol rofl

I think that as much as it is a fine distinction between calling a behaviour naughty and calling a child naughty, it's an extremely important one as most of us seem to agree - naming the behaviour and explaining WHY it is naughty or bad is really important as it helps them understand boundaries. But I don't think I've ever called DD a naughty girl or bad child etc.

I used to get called a bad seed, or a lazy brat or any number of things as a kid, and I remember thinking well why do I bother? If nothing I do is good enough and I'm so naughty I may as well do whatever I please...not really a good attitude.

Growing up with a father who among other more serious things would see a test score or assignment from school with a 95% grade and would respond with "good mark, but room for improvement" or something of the sort, it took me a long time to rewrite those internal messages that my best wasn't good enough, therefore I wasn't good enough. I don't want that for my kids.

:

---

Onyx, I like your thinking - describe the behaviour adequately. What about physical agression - DD is getting really physical with DS, she'll grab his collar and pull or give him a shove or something... what would I call that, more specific than naughty??

---

LOL, not nice.
Tell her it's too rough. Being rough can hurt. Being rough is not appropriate. Try to find out why she's rough and give her words to say instead of being rough. Sometimes kids are rough like that because they don't have words to describe their feelings or what they want. Show her gentle. Show her loving. She her appropriate behaviour.

This is something I have just started thinking about recently. It's only been recently that DS has started doing things that could be considered 'naughty', and only recently I've discovered how much I dislike the word. I don't use the word, and after talking to DH about how I feel about it, he doesn't either. I have heard my mum say it once or twice to DS, so I need to have a chat with her too.

I think it's my sociology study kicking in - labeling theory. If you tell a kid they're 'naughty' often enough they'll believe that's just the way they are - that they're bad/no good. My younger brother is an example of this - grew up being told by (mainly teachers and other kids) that he was naughty/bad. He's not - he has a good heart, but even now in his early twenties he continues to make not great decisions and has a low opinion of himself.

I think talking about the action is important, but the word naughty/bad doesn't need to be used.

I wish I could explain myself better, but my brain is pretty foggy today.

No I don't use the word naughty to describe my children. I tend to talk to my children in a positive way, even if they have been misbehaving.
If they have been naughty, I will talk to them and ask them why they are acting in such a way, and talk to them why we don't do certain things, how certain things make people feel, I'll ask them how they would feel if someone did the same things go them (if situation is appropriate, such as hitting, biting, name calling etc). I find they can take something positive from me while I am still guiding and disciplining them.

:

---

LOL, not nice.
Tell her it's too rough. Being rough can hurt. Being rough is not appropriate. Try to find out why she's rough and give her words to say instead of being rough. Sometimes kids are rough like that because they don't have words to describe their feelings or what they want. Show her gentle. Show her loving. She her appropriate behaviour.

---

That's great, thank you. Do you think at 2.5 she can understand "why"? If I ask her why she's doing that? I do say gentle, a lot. I show her gentle cuddles and then she just keeps going and squishes him. :rolleyes:

I think you explained it perfectly Sterla, exactly how I feel! It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I also remember my mum saying to me a few times when I was a kid 'you're a naughty girl' and how it made me feel :( I don't want that for my babies.

OP- I don't know if they really understand 'why' yet, sometimes DD does and sometimes I just get crazy answers, lol. But I still ask because one day soon she might get it.

:

---

That's great, thank you. Do you think at 2.5 she can understand "why"? If I ask her why she's doing that? I do say gentle, a lot. I show her gentle cuddles and then she just keeps going and squishes him. :rolleyes:

---

No probably not. Ask her why first, then if she can't answer, say was it because...whatever. Eg, "Jane, no hitting! Hitting hurts, and isn't gentle. Be gentle with your friends, like this (hug Fred gently or something similar). Why did you hit Fred?....(time to answer) Was it because he knocked your building down? You go and tell him 'Be careful Fred!'".
Usually the trigger of the behaviour is because of some fairly obvious reason. If it's not obvious, then just expain why the behaviour is inappropriate and show her the appropriate behaviors/actions. Try to make it all age appropriate and put it into simple easy to understand language.

I use naughty, but not in that "you're a naughty girl" but "What you're doing is naughty" and then go on to explain or show her why. The key for us is not to let it go on, we deal with it and then move on quickly to something positive. But I don't agree with labeling a child "naughty".

:

---

IMO naughty is too vague and too subjective and it doesn't adequately explain what is wrong with the behaviour.

---

This ^^^

:

---

Onyx, I like your thinking - describe the behaviour adequately. What about physical agression - DD is getting really physical with DS, she'll grab his collar and pull or give him a shove or something... what would I call that, more specific than naughty??

---

When my boys fight I usually point out that they have hurt/scared their brother. Or if it is very aggressive I ask them to stop being violent/too rough.
If they hurt someone they have to apologise.

I try and use positive language and postive actions with my family but it takes a LOT more energy and patience! I'm very concious of how i don't want to replicate some of my parents techniques so i'm trying to re-write the rules for my young family.

It can be exhausting as it's so repetitive (like so many things with little ones) but i figure, if they're hearing the postive reasons (for not doing something) many times over, it'll sink it and give them better self esteem, increase understanding of their actions and increase their language rather than the (IMO) lazy response - naughty. It certainly doesn't distract from the disciplinary actions that may take place if they've behaved inappropriately.

:

---

I also remember my mum saying to me a few times when I was a kid 'you're a naughty girl' and how it made me feel :( I don't want that for my babies..

---

Oh yeah I had this alot as a kid - I was a bad and naughty child and it felt sooooo wonderful to be called those things *sarcasm*. I have said "that was naughty" but prefer to use "Please don't do that, its not very nice" especially when DD is pulling the fur out of our poor cat.

I think there are nicer words to use with kids rather than bad, naughty, mean etc but thats just my opinion ;)

Nae x x

No, I don't (with other peoples kids) and won't (with my own) for all the reasons mentioned.

BUT... what do you do when it comes up in a classic children's book or rhyme? Like in Peter Rabbit, or "you naughty kittens, you've lost your mittens"? I've always sort of wondered that. Should I substitute? Because if not, you're modelling the language you work so hard to avoid. Just a musing.

Yeah, I've wondered the same? Is it ok to say it about other things, like the dog? Lol. Because I have, and I have heard DD say 'naughty puppy' now too!

:

---

No, I don't (with other peoples kids) and won't (with my own) for all the reasons mentioned.

BUT... what do you do when it comes up in a classic children's book or rhyme? Like in Peter Rabbit, or "you naughty kittens, you've lost your mittens"? I've always sort of wondered that. Should I substitute? Because if not, you're modelling the language you work so hard to avoid. Just a musing.

---

I change the words. 'You naughty kittens' becomes, 'You mischevious kittens, you lost your mittens'; or something along those lines, I do it with alot of words and phrases I don't like to use. Same with songs that use lines I don't like. I can't think of any now, but there are some out there, lol!

I don't have the energy to sanitise literature. I assume that my children will be intelligent enough to figure out that crazy stuff happens in books that doesn't happen in real life.
The boys know that they are not allowed to call other people stupid but we all agree that the dog is pretty stupid because she has more fur than brains so it follows that kittens might be mischevious even if little boys aren't.

I do have the energy, and the nimbleness of mind to change books and songs. I'm anal retentive and that's how I roll :lol: But others around me don't, so I figure the message is going to make its way through eventually anyway.

We love "naughty" here. One of DS's favourites.

Green Goblin is being naughty! He is being naughty to Spiderman and he shouldn't do that, should he? Green Goblin is a naughty man!

However, he knows he's a great, fantastic, brilliant, smart good boy who sometimes does naughty things. If he does that he apologises. Green Goblin doesn't apologise (and Norman Osborne is proud of that fact), so that's a big distinction. Well, it is for DS anyway.

Same as a lot of others, I use it to describe the actions - never her. It might be a small distinction but to me it's important, and I remember being labelled as a kid, I hated it.

I will not say to her 'YOU are naughty' but I might say 'don't scribble on the table, that is naughty'. If I thought about it I would prefer to use more specific words, but sometimes words fail me.

I don't use it much, but like many other have said when it is used, it is applied to the action not the child.

Interestingly I was talking to one of DDs little friends recently and she said 'X (another friend of hers) was naughty', I kind of tried to explain it in a different way, but when her mum explained what X did (came into her home, took over the toys, screamed if the girl came anywhere near her own toys and eventually bit her really intentionally and really hard) I was happy to say that 'X was being naughty that day'. So I guess another similar twist on the use - for a specific incident and a for specified time.....X was being naughty that day but he is feeling better and is back to being nice today etc.

:

---

I don't use it much, but like many other have said when it is used, it is applied to the action not the child.

Interestingly I was talking to one of DDs little friends recently and she said 'X (another friend of hers) was naughty', I kind of tried to explain it in a different way, but when her mum explained what X did (came into her home, took over the toys, screamed if the girl came anywhere near her own toys and eventually bit her really intentionally and really hard) I was happy to say that 'X was being naughty that day'. So I guess another similar twist on the use - for a specific incident and a for specified time.....X was being naughty that day but he is feeling better and is back to being nice today etc.

---

That's interesting Sagres... I think it is being used more as a verb than a label - it is an action or a behaviour that can be started & stopped, rather than a flat label. ITMS.

I don't use it, I don't even like saying that the action is naughty, but rather explain that it hurts, scares, not the place for... and I am onto DH about saying about the action too. I know DS is only coming 15months, and for the most part more than likely doesn't understand, but I would rather him learn the result (for lack of a better word) of his actions rather than just being told it is 'naughty'.

In regards to changing words in literature etc, I don't agree, because children learn to read by our modelling and it could become very confusing for them

Sorry if that doesn't make sense

:

---

That's interesting Sagres... I think it is being used more as a verb than a label - it is an action or a behaviour that can be started & stopped, rather than a flat label. ITMS.

---

Yeah I think that is why I felt more comfortable with it, because it was something could be started and stopped and it also gave my friend and I an opportunity to talk about how X was the one who determined if he was in that state or not, in kid friendly terms of course!