..... feeling lost

it was yet to be confirmed but i was around 7-8 week pregnant when everything went a way i never expected to happen to me. I already am blessed with 1 beautiful child, but its because of this i think that it never occurred to me that i might m/c. naive of me really. I feel shattered at the loss and the way under which the issue is being dealt with medically. i dnt really have anyone to talk to so i thought something like this may be a good way to grieve and come to realise i am not alone at all. your stories are all inspiring, heart wrenching but inspiring.

not knowing fully what i can write without over stepping my boundaries and possibly hurting someone makes this hard. iv never been on a site like this before. my 'story' is something i would like to get out in hopes that someone reading it may figure out they are not alone but should not be treated in the manner under which i have, to not allow it.
its a long one thats for sure.

i believe i 'passed' my baby today, my heart and stomach is telling me im right. i call tell my little angel is gone, is it wrong of me to not want to just throw him/her away?
everything seems to just have stopped for me, i feel vague really. thats the best way to describe it i think.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little bubba ruby-anne :hug: please share as much or as little as you feel able too, this place is (sadly) somewhere too many of us have needed at one time or another. I'm sorry the medical care you have (or haven't) received has made your loss even harder to bear, feel free to "vent" if you need to! More :hug:

Believe me, here there are pretty much no boundaries to overstep!

:hug:


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Vent away... I am so sorry for your loss. You can debrief on this site with no judgement

So sorry for your loss :hug:. Unfortunately there are many of us who understand what you are going through, you are not alone. Please feel free to share your story, we are all here to support you.

Regards,
Dianne

Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry for your loss.
:hug:

:comfort: vent talk away no one will judge ((GBH))

Sorry for your loss

thank you all so much for your reassurance that i am able to speak freely!!! it means a lot. so here goes, its not the worst thing that can happen to anyone the way iv been trereated but it is certainly not right.

my partner and i found out that we were pregnant about 3 wks ago, we booked into the doctor and was told that i would need to take a blood test to confirm HCG levels being present, that i in fact was pregnant even tho about 5 tests told me I was already. All fine. I went down got the bloods done and was told that i would have a result the next day. My partner and I are on rocky road sadly atm so i decided to book us into a phsyc just so that was knew we could do it and that it would be ok, that what we were going through is normal pretty much. the doctor referred us which was great, she sent through a fax saying that it was somewhat urgent we be seen as i think she could tell that my partner was having mixed feelings about the situation. I already have a child from a previous relationship but this would be his first time. Anyway they never got in contact with us to make an appointment as we were advised would happen. I waited a week then rang myself and was told they couldnt find the referral and that they couldnt get us in until late the following week. So i booked. Today ill cancel that appointment. Everything was in the motions to make things ok, i was feeling like i was doing the right things to help my partner out and me. Although i had noticed that my pregnancy symptoms had faded dramatically, no more breast tenderness, heart burn, nausea, i was able to sleep better all of a sudden, my nightmares were gone, no peeing all the time and i wasnt getting hot and cold flushes. I assumed this was all just my body adjusting to its changes.

We decided to go spend some time together on saturday and as we were leaving minigolf i could feel a bleed coming on. i rushed to the toilets (discreetly) and saw a large amount of blood and a clot about the size of my thumb nail. I didnt panic, cleaned myself up and calmly explained i needed to get home as i was having a bleed to my bf and he of course thought i was dying, i told him a bleed can mean nothing at all sometimes. Not wanting to be a pain in the butt to the emergency dep at the hospital i rang health direct and was told to get to the hosp asap after a full assessment, that i shouldnt panic but the fact i had not been booked in for a routine scan was concerning, it meant that there was no proof of knowing that the pregnancy was safe as of yet. So down I went. It turned out i was dehydrated and needed a shot of maxolin??? (not 100% of the name but along those lines) and was put on a drip with fluids, i realise that when someone is miscarrying there isnt a lot that can really be done and at the time i was feeling like the matter was being treated well. They told me there was no way of knowing what was happening, they couldnt do a scan as the sonographer was on vactation. (i live in a small country town so there was no other person to do it) I would have to wait it out. Before i went home they told me to see if i could get an emergency appointment the following day with my local doc to see if there was a way to get me into one of the other doctors in town that may have been able to do a scan for me, if my doc couldnt arrange it or didnt try to to come straight back through emergency to see what could be done.

I got my appointment and immediately after walking into my doc office i get the impression she was ****ed off with me. I had been 5mins late for my app and she was due to go to lunch apparently. She was horrible to me, extremely blunt and harsh, until i nearly burst into tears telling her that i had now been bleeding for three days straight the bleeding had only gotten heavier and my cramping was slowly getting stronger in waves and that i was passing clots some large and some small but all the time. She slightly got less mean. She rather harshly said if i was miscarrying that it was nothing i did blah blah blah she may aswell have been reading from a piece of paper. I was in and out of the appointment within 5-7 mins. and she hadnt bothered to try and book me in with this other docter for a scan. I went home and burst into tears, i could not stop crying I was sure I knew what was happening to me but no1 was trying to help me in finding this out. So I pulled myself together after hours of crying, i just couldnt stop, i felt so stupid. I rang the hospital and was transfered all over the place and was finally handed to a midwife who could tell i was distressed and said to organise having someone watch my daughter and come down to emergency that they'll be expecting me.

I have no family here and my friends, since i had a child and cant party seem to have disappeared. I had to wait for my partner to finish work and then go down after 5. I was told that i had come in too late that xray was closed for the day and was closed anyway for revamp. The nurse asked me what exactly did i think they could do for me. I explained i had been told by the doc and nurse over the wkend that if my doc hadnt gotten me into see the visiting doc that could do the scan to come back and they would do there best to organise something. She told me that it turned out there had been a 'miscommunication' that BOTH sonographers where on holiday and the soonest one would be back on th 17th, from then on scans were booked 2 weeks solid, they wouldnt be able to get me in for 3 weeks basically. I was told by health direct that i had to be seen soon to rule out ectopic pregnancy and possible infection. But yet again i was sent home and told wait it out.

I have decided to travel to perth this wkend and have the matter sorted where i am being booked in for immediate bloods and a scan. Perth is a 7 hour drive from where i live. But i need to know before hand that i am right that i have miscarried my child and that im safe and healthy n will have no further issues in becoming pregnant. And they already seem to be treating the manner seriously. They also seem to think it is disgusting that i havnt been referred to have a scan else where asap.

I know this sounds silly but i also had a dream that i was pregnant with twins, it was so real, and also i had it before i m/c'd so i would like to make sure that there isnt still at least one bambino in there waiting to be found. its just a dream but in times like this, sometimes they are significant. After passing a large clot last night i know in myself that that was my baby, just looking at it i knew it wasnt just a clot, it was different. but that dream gives me a little hope that maybe there may still be a life growing inside me.

In this whole situation i have been given wrong information and nobody has sat down and explained what could be happening to me either way, nor has anyone tried to ensure that everything is ok with my health. The more iv been bleeding the more zoned out i am becoming which im sure is normal but i have a child to care for and i need to know that im not about to drop to the floor with a possible infection, that either way what ever is happening to me that i am ok and everything is going the way it should be. i also keep going into sweats. but they pass rather quickly at times. Iv been bleeding for 5 days now, since passing the larger tissue yesterday with immense crmping my bleeding has lessened tho.

I am very sorry for my massive write up, and i dnt think i have written it well at all. I feel completely violated and mistreated, and throughout it all my relationship is falling to pieces and my parenting is not 110%, i feel like i have no one. All i want is to be told look this is probably what is happening to you and for someone to maybe referr me to a doctor in a nearby town so that i can rule out chances of infection, that if i am m/c'ing that it is progressing naturally and right, and it find out if my dream did mean anything at all. That way i am informed and can begin to move on. Not to mention i am supposed to be flying to melb in a wk and a half so i can be with my mum then attend a wedding late in nov. i dnt kno if im safe to fly? is it ok to fly while still bleeding?

again i am very sorry for my rant but i just need to spill, and to make sure that if anyone ever feels there r just being turned away like i have, to put your foot down, demand something be done, because in the end it could be your health and your childs health on the line!!!

:hug:

I can't even find the words to say firstly, how sorry I am for your loss but also how you have been treated. I don't understand the fobbing off, the run around you've been given etc... It is just terrible that no-one has shown you any compassion. I have felt a little how you have, the second last m/c I had the Dr dismissed it as me having an upset tummy & said to take buscopan or the likes - I walked out of that hospital....It is disgusting that this seems to be more or a norm than a once or twice off. I think travelling to Perth is the best option for you in the circumstances and I hope when you do get there you are treated with dignity & like a human being.

:hug: I am so very sorry for your loss and the appalling treatment and lack of compassion shown to you. I hope they look after you when you go down to Perth.

I couldn't read and not post - I am so very sorry for what you are going through and the treatment you have received. I hope you get the support you need :hug:

I honestly didnt think that this could happen, firstly the m/c and then the treatment. It was silly of me to think that i wouldnt m/c just because i had had a fairly easy pregnancy the first time with no scarring or damage to me from giving birth. And my partner i think is not overly phased by the loss. which i kind of understand, women are lucky we get to feel it all and revel in the fact that we have a life growing inside us, the biggest honour anyone could have. We get to bond immediately even knowing they may still just be a speck. but we also are extremely unlucky because of this as well if it comes to losing that honour.

Perth is already offering up the treatment i have read about, the processes under which i should be under going. Ill be sure to keep you all posted as to what happens. and thankyou all so so much again your your kind caring words.

Oh hun I am so very sorry xoxo... I hope that you get the answers and the care you deserve xoox SOrry to read that you have been treated so appalling

OMG! I am so sorry for your loss, and i am so sorry for the way you have been treated. It's hard when you don't feel supported by your partner as well, or when they aren't devastated like us women are.... Massive :hug: and i hope you get treated properly in perth xxxxxx

I'm so sorry for your loss ruby-anne. I get what you are saying about a woman carrying a baby being an honour... :hug:

I really hope you can find some compassion in Perth hun. You haven't been treated at all fairly, kindly or with respect. A woman losing a baby should be shown the love, respect and compassion she deserves.

Thank you for sharing with us and I hope it helped, in some way.

Look after yourself and your little DD :comfort:

Sorry for your loss :hug: The way you've been treated is pretty appalling. I hope you can find some answers (and comfort) in Perth. :hug:

I'm so sorry for your loss. FWIW, the staff I have dealt with at KEMH (I assume that's where you will be going) were really lovely, compassionate and respectful of what I had lost. I hope you receive the same treatment.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going such a difficult time Ruby... Hoping you get the answers you need soon.:hug:

I said i would let you know the outcome once i hit perth but i decided to fly straight to melb to be with family, i am definately not pregnant anymore n my doctor believes that judging by the size of the clot that i lost that there is a big chance that i was carrying twins but we'll never really know, by the time i hit perth my bleeding stopped and everything returned to normal. I chose not to have a scan, i know it seems silly but i knew my body has done naturally what it needed to, i just wanted it over with, i had my bloods and they showed my HCG levels dropping dramatically. That was all i needed to know, and just to be sure i took 3 tests as well which were all negative.

My partner and i are doing well, but i think that comes from distance as he is still home. But i do believe we'll get there in the end. I also started my first period yesterday which is not pleasant and a reminder of what i couldnt have all over. But again.... we'll get there in the end.

Thankyou all for your kind words and support. Being able to spill and vent to people who understand has probably helped me the most during this whole situation. Also being able to try and ensure this doesnt happen to anyone else, know your rights and demand yours and your childs possible safety. I certainly have learnt from this experience and hope that nobody ever has to feel as abandonded as we did.

Glad things are improving for you. Remember to talk about it all as much as you need. These things are so up and down.