Helping others - is it not "the norm" any more??

The other night, DH and I were told we were amazing people because we do something most other people don't - we see someone that needs help, we help. we've done some gardening for a couple of friends in the last couple of months. DH likes to work in the garden (i dont mind it either), the work needed to be done - so we offered. there has been "thanks", in terms of massage (for one friend) and beer/petrol money (other friend was on the outskirts of Melbourne, so two hour trip - the RE told her the work we did on her garden was what helped it sell at auction)

then we helped another friend move. both her and her mum said it's just not normal for people to help any more. more than once. the friend was here on friday night (2 months after we helped her move) - in tears because she is still overwhelmed by it.

she moved something like 3km - she didn't have much to move - we put the trailer on our ute, and just got to it. i didn't see it as a big deal - but she obviously did!

so it's got me seriously thinking - do people not offer to help "just because" any more? i remember Dad and his trailer moving so many people when i was younger - so i guess i just see it as normal (and DH is much the same)

please tell me i'm wrong - please tell me that people offer to help the people they care about just because it's needed - not because it's expected!!

I think people do just help. I have helped move people and others have helped move us, given us stuff etc. I don't think there is any associated expectations, often helping involves hanging out with friends while doing it - so is good fun.

We help people all the time. And we are lucky enough to be surrounded by people who are the same. I think those that aren't like that soon find that no one is there to help them when they need it.

You're wrong! In my circle of friends and family anyway. If something needs to be done, everyone bands together and it just gets done. I'm also a big believer in what goes around comes around, and so far in life it's proved true for me.

I think it depends on who you ask to help. We try to help others when we can, but when we've actually called on help from specific people, they always have something else to do (which translates to playing PS3 - the particular person was whinging about it on FB). But the same people have no hesitation in calling on help from others.

We have family members that live over an hour away that will help us at any given time or day, and vice versa. They too help wherever they can, but have mentioned that when they need a hand, the offers are few and far between.

Yeah I definitely don't think it's like it was in the old days. things have changed. We never got offered any help moving except from family and we have moved like 3 times in the last 3 years. And yeah I just find that for the most part people tend to keep to themselves. I would much prefer it another way and sometimes wish I lived in a suburb like on desperate housewives where everyone knows each other and all that lol but in my experience it just isn't like that... However we do offer help and to watch people's houses when they go away etc and are generally the ones people go to for things like that because we are trusted I suppose but it doesn't go much further than that in the way of getting help or being asked for it. Hmm.


Sent from my iPhone more than likely while I should be doing something else!

We help friends and have friends help us with things. From moving furniture, assembling furniture, painting fence, tip runs to clear junk etc etc but I must say its always same group of us that help each other.

i'm glad i'm wrong - well - to a degree anyway

i know there are people (my brother for example) that will ask for help, crack the poos if he doesn't get it, but won't help anyone else. we have done heaps to help them out, and when we asked for help for one of the days we were moving (a couple of weeks in advance) he said he had a friends childs birthday one of the days that weekend, so wouldn't be able to help at all for the weekend (which basically means the kids party would become and adults party and he'd be hung over). i got the impression that my friends brother is much the same.

and it really does have me thinking about it. DH and I rarely get offers of help. we got help for about half a day when we moved - and it took us two days working our backsides off to move. no one else stepped up. but we're people that DO offer to help all the time. so it really made me wonder if we're just an oddity in helping people

or maybe we just have (primarily) selfish friends around here!!

the friend we helped last week - she has son's in their 20's who wouldn't help. they think we did a fantastic job cleaning up the yard for their mum (one still lives at home!) - but neither of them would help her maintain the yard so that she could sell her house


i was trying to explain to one of the friends today - we don't do it so that we can call in favours or anything like that - we do it because we actually LIKE helping people. i'm someone that has to fight damn hard to keep depression at bay without medication - and helping someone, and seeing that it really has helped - it gives me a bit of a lift and helps that battle a little.

as i said, i'm glad my ponderings are wrong

roll on next week when we move some more stuff for someone - and then help with catering for her party (she is paying for everything - we're just baking!)

In a heartbeat I'd help my friends :)

Sometimes I feel useless because I can't help (because of restrictive distance) but if there is anything within my power that I can do to help, then I help.

I think partly the not-helping is because we have evolved into a self-service culture. I think a lot of people don't help because a lot of other people don't have high enough levels of social cohesion to even feel like they can ASK for it.

We have something of a "friend economy" going with most of our good mates, which covers anything from moving house to watching each other's kids or lending/giving things that we don't need but someone else can use. But it's not as though we really expect it to come back, it just does. To us it's a part of friendship.

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I think partly the not-helping is because we have evolved into a self-service culture. I think a lot of people don't help because a lot of other people don't have high enough levels of social cohesion to even feel like they can ASK for it.

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Spot on. Totally agree here.


Sent from my iPhone more than likely while I should be doing something else!

My DH is the most generous, helpful man I know. He would drop what he was doing to go and help a friend move with a moment's notice. Over the years he has spent a lot of time assisting his family (parents and brother) with various jobs; moving house, gardening, retiling a bathroom, building fences... We moved house last Thursday and none of his family offered to help. Or to look after any of our kids. He invited his parents to come and see our new house (of which he is very proud) over the weekend but they were 'too busy' and 'might' be able to come over one night this week. When it suits them. I have seen this behaviour time and again over the 16 years we have been together. I think DH now understands why I resent the full days he spends helping his family whilst we miss out on time as a family and I look after three kids on my own. I have no desire to help DH's family at all and I now ask DH not to spend our family time doing random jobs for people who will never return the favour and simply use his for their own ends. My eldest child is 8. DH's parent have looked after my children ONCE, and that was like asking them to donate a kidney. His brother and SIL have never looked after our children.

The last couple of weeks have been quite telling in regard to our friends. We have had numerous offers of help and I think most of them have been genuine. My DH spent today building a dog run with the help of a mate whilst I was at work. His mate was very happy to come and help (he offered) and he brought fresh bread and sausages with him to feed everyone. He worked his butt off and we are very appreciative of his time and effort.

One particular friend of mine has not offered any assistance during our move. She was a single mum for years and expected us to look after her son at a moment's notice. My husband has spent hours and hours doing odd jobs for her over the years. She is constantly borrowing things from us, whether it's the trailer or cardboard boxes.

So, DH's instinct is always to help. I like to help people, but the truth is that I expect a favour to be reciprocated in our own time of need. If the favour is not offered in return... I won't be helping again!!

I do alot for my family and friends.. I always have. I have been walked over for it - but didnt see it at the time. I am always being told that my friends had better be there to cook me meals to freeze for when I have a new baby or run small errands when I am just too busy etc but you know what? I too actually like helping others. I dont do it for anything in return. When we lost our little boy we received the most fabulous support from everyone. I have absolutely no way of repaying this - words or actions arent enough. So if I can help out in anyway then I will because what goes around comes around.
I also think that it doesnt happen that much these days and it can be really hard for someone to accept the help or generosity.
:)

I have some friends and family who would help in the middle of the night if we needed it, and we'd do the same for them. But I kind of know now the people who aren't that great at returning the favour, so I limit what I'm willing to do for them. Boundaries I guess.

I think people are so much busier than they used to be and that can make it difficult to find helpers - even if they are willing, sometimes they just aren't available.

We help out a lot, moving, working bee in the garden or more often fixing computers. But the sad thing is we have noticed that with some people trying to get help in return can be more difficult, it's made dh stop bending over backwards to fix computers in a hurry for friends, now it's done by his staff if they have downtime rather than dh spending hours doing it in his own time. But we will always help people if we can, dh always helps out people out if they are in trouble knowing that one day it could be us needing help.

I think that's really sad for those people ...

We give and receive plenty of help, in really diverse ways ... everything from helping mates move to hemming pants and being a birth partner!

Sometimes it's without needing to be asked, other times there's a need raised and met.

And it definately goes both ways most of the time - but we have a couple of friends who just genuinely aren't in a position to reciprocate (they have 5 kids under 4, including triplets...) but they still get loads of help from most of us, because it's not a tit-for-tat economy with our mates.

It's great that so many of us here have a different reality, where people are helpful :)

Really is one of those depends things. We find people more helpful down here, compared to Melbourne. Could be a regional thing, or just the people we were hanging out with in Melbourne.

I know for us, we don't tend to ask for help that often, but we are getting better at it. We probably don't help out as much at the moment, but that is more due to the stage of life where we are at. I can see though in the future at the children get older and we are more established, that we will be in a position to help others out in return. We are the type of people though that will always pay for a removalist, we just prefer it that way ;)

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We are the type of people though that will always pay for a removalist, we just prefer it that way ;)

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But they won't pack up and move your house in exchange for fish'n'chips and beer ... how does that work??

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But they won't pack up and move your house in exchange for fish'n'chips and beer ... how does that work??

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They pack up and move your house in exchange for money. Sometimes quite a lot of money, but that is most likely the route we'll take next time as we've reached the critical mass of stuff to be moved that fish, chips and beer doesn't quite cover :)

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But they won't pack up and move your house in exchange for fish'n'chips and beer ... how does that work??

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I could do a very long post as to why we prefer to pay than use friends. Basically it ends up quicker and cheaper (well depending on the distance), plus there are no issues with damaged stuff. Overall though, we value the friends we have to not want to put them through moving us. The last one took 2 guys and a truck over 9 hours, that was just loading, driving and unloading. That was after weeks of packing. Don't think any friendship would survive that one.

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They pack up and move your house in exchange for money. Sometimes quite a lot of money, but that is most likely the route we'll take next time as we've reached the critical mass of stuff to be moved that fish, chips and beer doesn't quite cover :)

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ahh, that just means more invitations are required ;)

we had about 30 people help us with our last move - a lot of people did just the one one car trip (they got no beer ... just hugs and kisses!) and about 10 did the main work with us.

all up, it cost us abouit $30 in fish and chips, and a slab.

and a tube of aryldite, to fix the one thing which got broken (though the aryldite solved that :D)

but some of our friends much prefer the removalists - especially the ones that do the packing for you!!

Our last move took place over a weekend - my DH has a truck licence so we generally hire the biggest truck we can get. We moved one of our friends on the Saturday, then ourselves on the Sunday. Unfortunately though, DH was suffering chronic pnuemonia at the time and could do little more than drive the truck - he was hospitalised the day after. It was a full day's hard work with myself and 4 of our friends just for the furniture, books and dvds.

I couldn't ask our friends to do that for us again - we were all traumatised after the last one :rofl:

We offer help and accept it - I have some lovely friends. We're also having friends move us: we can't afford removers. We can afford a pub meal out for everyone, however. And have marked our most precious things as fragile for me to take in the car rather than the lads to take in the luton. Last move was a full day to move half an hour up the road, done in 4 van journies. This time we're getting two larger vans and not having to clean the house when we move out (we were renting before). The place is going to be left clean, but not completely sparkling, IYSWIM. So that frees me up a lot more - and the house we're moving to hasn't been left vacant for several months with rotting (insect) bodies under the kitchen and mould growing, so shouldn't be as manky. Not sparkling, but not horrid either.

When I help out I don't expect to be paid either, except maybe with help in return. I wouldn't offer to help if it seriously inconvenienced me: usually looking after a child DS's age or thereabouts gives me a sit down, so I don't want anything else!

that's another thing we do - if we can't physically help (my dodgy wrist means heavy lifting can, at times, be totally out of the question), i'll offer to have kidlets over here. it's no big deal for me, but it can be a huge help for my friends.

the friend we moved is a single mum - her mum helps her out, but her brother (who lives local) seems to be a bit like mine. we work the same days at work, although she is working full time in a senior role at the moment, so has to organise care for Thursdays for her (almost) 3 year old. i've just said if her mum can't have him, drop him here. we're home anyway, so i'm not having to make big arrangements around him. it's not an inconvenience for us at all. but i know she won't because she feels like it's a huge deal - probably because of the song and dance members of her family make if they're asked to help at all kwim?

i'm glad there are some helpful people on BB

and I'm glad Astrid mentioned that different friendship "groups" seem to have a different ethos towards helping - was beginning to think i was the only one that noticed it!

Oh babe i've been busy over the weekend and wanted to reply so many times but couldn't :)
You guys really are diamonds in the rough, i know a LOT of people who wont/dont help but that said we were bought up to help.
DP's friends have helped us move 3 times now :redface: but we return the favour at every possible chance (moved 1 friend twice), we offer to babysit for friends who need some 'time out' and things like that.
I try and help people even if i don't really know them (ie through BB) but i can't always be there when i want to be.

Dad is doing work on his house in Gippy, DP will likely go down and do majority of the outside painting, he also does quite a bit of 'love'jobs for friends and family when he can fit it in...

I've had more offers of help in the last year in my new little town from people I barely knew than I had from people I'd known close to 20 years in Melbourne when I actually really, really needed their help.

Example: In my last pregnancy I was housebound for six months because I could barely walk. With a two-year-old who was having tantrums virtually every hour. Fun. Added to that I was trying to sell a house and prepare the house for inspection AT LEAST twice a week. Imagine trying to bend to pick things off the floor plus vacuum when you feel like your body is being ripped apart through the middle. Imagine what it does to your mental state when you cannnot leave the house and you are dealing with hourly tantrums that are totally understandable because your two-year-old can't leave the house either. On top of that my teenage DSD was going off the rails and was not helping at all. My Melbourne friends all knew this and did not offer to help despite the fact that we had babysat their children numerous times and really, really could have done with a few hours break every few weeks. One lived within a kilometre.

Contrast that with the people we've got to know here. When I've mentioned (just mentioned, not going into all the ins and outs) that I have lingering issues from my pregnancy, I've had virtual strangers offering to take care of DD, we have friends who come and bring wood into the house for us (DP currently has a broken leg to top it all off). And lots of other examples.

We reciprocate of course and having pondered the meaning of life in the depths of depression myself BG, I have to say that the answer that's made the most sense to me over the years is that we're here to help other people. So that's what I try to do. Plus I try to surround myself with like-minded people and sadly some of the people I've known the longest don't fit into that category. Never too late thought to forge a different life and a different community :)

I find it easy to help and ask for help from some friends but not others (particularly when it comes to babysitting!).

What I find interesting is how odd it is now to help a stranger. I am ALWAYS surprised when someone shows me any kind of courtesy in a public place (eg holding a door open or offering to help me unload my shopping when I'm holding a crying baby - this has happened a couple of times. Such an easy thing for someone to do but it totally throws me!) because generally people don't want to have any interaction with a stranger in public. I am a big fan of communication, even just friendly body language, especially with someone with kids. But often it is ignored or else makes them seem visibly uncomfortable.
Do you find this with strangers?
Oh! The last time I phoned the FAO (or whatever they're called now) it was just to change my address but I ended up talking to the lady for over half an hour! We just got along really well and had a great chat! I LOVE that kind of thing but it's so rare these days.
I think MD is right and we've become a bit of a self-service culture.

I do find people are surprised when you help them - even if it's something as teensy as passing them your parking ticket that still has an hour or so on it as you leave the carpark. So I guess it does say a lot that people don't really help people they don't know as much as they do friends/family. I think a lot of it does have to do with perceived risk to our own safety, as all too often you hear of people who have gone to offer assistance and have been bashed or robbed or something.

We help people when we can. If we're asked with plenty of time, then we'll definitely make the time. But, it seems no-one ever asks us to help anymore since having DS (except when it comes to family - which I'd drop things for in a heartbeat)

Some people are brought up to not think of others outside their little family, it really depends on the culture of the family you grew up in or your influences. My DH was so shocked when he met my family. We help each other out alot where his tend to be quite selfish with each other. I have done volunteering and this really confused my inlaws, why would I bother to help especially homeless people who they thought were dangerous. I used to help my inlaws out alot then when they took it for granted and abused the friendship I've stopped. It's something new for me. Though without going into a big story, I saw things I really didn't like when someone in their own family needed help. My DH has become alot more helpful by watching me, so it is contagious!

Also, one of my friends pointed out that many people who help have a St Johns cross on their palm. Have a look! I have a massive one which explains why I love helping people so much! Alot of teachers, nurses etc have them.

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Oh! The last time I phoned the FAO (or whatever they're called now) it was just to change my address but I ended up talking to the lady for over half an hour! We just got along really well and had a great chat! I LOVE that kind of thing but it's so rare these days.

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tehehehe some of us are a bit more friendly than others! lol

and we're still FAO - just "Department of Human Services, Family Assistance/Centrelink/Medicare/Child Support"

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Also, one of my friends pointed out that many people who help have a St Johns cross on their palm. Have a look! I have a massive one which explains why I love helping people so much! Alot of teachers, nurses etc have them.

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No cross here - but i'm helpful, i promise!

LOL, I thought FAO was different to CL. There you go :) She was tops - really good for a laugh. Sounded younger than me but turned out was at least 15 years older. I kept saying, "NO! No way!" etc etc. She seriously spoke like a 20yo. :lol:

Briggsy's: really? My DH works for them and he's on very tight time schedules for his calls. He'd quite happily have a friendly chat, but he'd get into trouble for going over his call time limit targets.


Sent from my iPod touch - sorry for any mistakes!

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LOL, I thought FAO was different to CL. There you go :) She was tops - really good for a laugh. Sounded younger than me but turned out was at least 15 years older. I kept saying, "NO! No way!" etc etc. She seriously spoke like a 20yo. :lol:

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technically i was employed by FAO, but have cross trained with the other c'link payment streams. FAO (which is basically just the FTB side of things) is under family assistance law - everything else comes under Social Security law - we are trained in both. no one wants to ring one number for ftb and another for parenting payment. given parenting is under social security law, it allows us to cross train in other payments.

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Briggsy's: really? My DH works for them and he's on very tight time schedules for his calls, so even if he wanted to have a friendly chat, he'd get into trouble for going over his call time limit targets.


Sent from my iPod touch - sorry for any mistakes!

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it's about being able to balance your time. if i have one long call (today i took a 53 minute call), you have to make sure you don't end up blowing out on the others. so for every 10 address updates, you may find one is a bit longer, but five are less than the average time, and it balances out. there is no way all calls can be completed within the set time - some are longer, some are shorter. you just have to find balance - and it is averaged over 4 weeks.

if you're generally efficient, those longer calls really don't make a blip on the screen. i take, on average, 65 calls a day. on average, i meet the requirements - even today, with that 53 minute call.

Re moving, it doesn't always pay off when you get help. My poor brother had a friend of my uncle drive the truck went straight under a bridge and took the top of the truck off :( My uncle ticked basic not full insurance so my poor bro and his wfe forked out over $3500 to the insurer. Would've been better for them to get a removalist. Plus some of their stuff got damaged in the move because of the accident. My parents and I helped chip in some money but my uncle and his friend had nothing to do with it all after the move.

yeah the only damage done to our stuff was when DH's friend was helping - but it was minimal damage, and if others (like family) had stepped up and helped, we wouldn't have had to put up with his half assed pretend help. he is an arrogant shyte and nothing i say is right (cos i have a vagina, not a penis!). doing it without him was much better - but i did appreciate what help he gave (does that make sense - i'm not saying i didn't want his help - just that he gave me the irrits at the time by not listening!)