Finding the balance between spacing your children and infertility (LTTTC)

The return of AF this month at 5 and a half months PP has triggered all of these thoughts for me, so bare with me while I muddle through this (block of choccie in hand!).

For those who have known fertility issues (as in, they're not going to change or improve, only decline over time), how did you find the balance between the age gap you wanted for your children, and your infertility? Did you decide to TTC earlier than you would have otherwise?

To be honest I'd be horrified to have another baby right now. I don't particularly like the idea of two babies at once, DH and I had always wanted a 3 year gap minimum. And we want three children, before we're 30. Well, that's what we'd planned before we started TTC. Now we get that we have pretty much no control over conceiving when it suits us. A big part of me just wants to wait the three years and then try like we planned...but a smaller part of me keeps saying, what if it takes you two years again? Or worse, longer? My blocked tube, my scarred uterus, my PCO and possible endo, DH's mutated sperm...they're all screaming out at me, "start trying in 6 months!" And the part of me that had everything planned out so neatly, so hopefully, pre-TTC is screaming "NO! Didn't you listen in sex ED?? You'll get pregnant with triplets IMMEDIATELY!".

How did you decide when to TTC, and how much weight did your fertility issues weigh in on it? I feel more and more like I just have to let my expectations go and resign myself to the fact that I'm not one of those women who can control when (or if) I'll conceive.

Well for me personally I had hoped for an 18month - 2yr gap. AF came back not long ago but right now I've got a 4-6 day LP so no chance of getting utd. I really don't want a big gap so hoping things settle soon. I'm taking b vits and once bub is over this sickness I'll be cutting feeds back and slowly weaning her with the hopes of helping my cycles regulate. Of course I don't want to wean her but having a sibling close in age will be better for her I feel. I also have a referral for a fs and plan to book in for Jan, Feb. I really feel like we don't have time to waste, like you said it could take 2yrs, who knows. If AF had come back earlier I would have tried earlier.

For me, I wouldn't TTC if I knew I'd be horrified to be pregnant straight away. I think you need to be prepared for that possibility y'know? Maybe wait until the idea isn't so terrifying :hug:

Oh for sure Keiks! What I meant was, I'd be horrified to be preg now. It wouldn't be ideal, but if we TTC when DD was 12 months and got utd straight away (HA! But I guess maybe could happen), that would not be *too* bad, as it'd be a two year gap instead of our planned 3 itms?

Babyluv, seems we're on opposite ends. You not wanting to be waiting too long, whereas me wanting to wait a bit longer but scared that will be too long as well.

Without wanting to be dramatic, for me the question was, would I prefer to not have another child (because I waited too long) over having a gap that might not be ideal for first 12 months. It took me so long to have #1, I wouldn't have cared. It ended up being 22 months which I found was fine, but still took 6 transfers which if I hadn't done almost back to back, it would have taken me much longer. Do what your heart (and a bit of your head!) says.

We started trying as soon as I got AF back (I told DH as soon as I went back to work but AF hadn't turned up by then).
My age had the biggest factor in timing. We then found out we had fertility issues we didn't with trying for DD.

I always wanted a nice two years....long enough have time with first bubs and enjoy her but not too long they wont be close enough in age to be good friends.....well that obviously didnt work out for us.
We will now have a 3 1/2yr age gap when this bubs is born.....and to be honest as time went on I was really ok with the age gap...I just hope the two of them still play together happily....

I agree with Lairdoz said though....depending on what your problem was, the choice between waiting for a 'better; age gap and the potential for not having another child at all...Id be jumping straight back into it....

After DD1 was born I guess I naively thought her full time breastfeeding, no AF return etc would give me some space. Given my age when she was born (37) and previous history of losses we decided to try again quickly, and would have aimed for a gap of about 18 months. My uterus thought otherwise and I ended up with a 12 month gap. Far from ideal, and like you have said, I was pretty horrified looking at those 2 lines and throughout my entire pregnancy.

After issues with DD2 it has taken until the beginning of this year for me to be ready to try for #3. 4 losses later I am now pregnant with what is hopefully my "bring home" baby. Again, not the ideal age gap but it is what it is.

I honestly think if you have fertility issues then like Lairdoz says, you need to weigh up the desire for another child over the ability to actually choose when that child will be in your arms. While I had an awful time throughout pregnancy with DD2 and beyond, the thought of me having missed the opportunity to have her, and now #3 because I waited for a more appropriate time is not worth thinking about. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have the children I do, ideal gaps or not.

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Without wanting to be dramatic, for me the question was, would I prefer to not have another child (because I waited too long) over having a gap that might not be ideal for first 12 months.

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this was our logic in not using contraceptive at all. our chances were slim of conceiving, and if it happened, any age gap would HAVE to be ideal! we didn't fall pregnant til just before DD's 2nd birthday (so about 22 months of unprotected sex in there) - we lost that bub the day after DD's second birthday, which was heart breaking - but nature did what nature did, and now we just wait and see if it happens for us again naturally. DD is now 2.5, so i guess we'd be looking 3.5 ish years if i was to get BFP soon. i'd have liked less gap, but each day shows me that DD is more and more likely to understand and maybe even help a little. so if nature says it's to happen, it will happen eventually...

We dont hav any fertility issues that we know of but...

I honestly think that you just need to be ok with the idea that the age gap that you may end up with, may it be closer or further apart than you hoped for. Or that if you wait too long then it could be harder to conceive, you may need extra help with conceiving or it may be too late. Can you handle the idea of having two close in age better than the idea of having no more?
On the multiples front, well that could happen at any time, so realisitically you need to be prepared for that one too. Chances are more than likely low, but if it happened you could handle it.

But I do think there is a reason why that small part of you is screaming to start sooner rather than later. Listen to your body, it knows what it can handle.

I'm not a LTTC er so I can't comment on those terms, but aren't you quite young hun? So if you wanted to have 3 children before 30, despite it possibly taking a couple of years each child, wouldn't it be doable?

I don't know if i would class myself as being a "LTTCer" but we had tried for a baby since i was 17 and weren't successful until 21. But its become apparent that i may be less fertile than i first thought.... the fact ive had a m/c plus 2 chemical pregnancies. We too wanted atleast a 3 year age gap between our kids but when my pcos returned nastily after having DD we reconsidered and we want to have all our children while we know we can.

I do agree with Keike that obviously don't TTC now while the thought of another pregnancy is terrifying. I do think waiting until your DD is 12 months because as you say atleast then if you were to concieve right away you would have atleast 2 years in between.

But only you can decide when a good time is, maybe you can speak with your doctor and start preparing for a second.

we had issues conceiving DD1 and it took almost 2 years due to endo etc. I had similar thoughts and worries, but i had another time-bomb to consider of my PND (unfortunately!). i wanted to be well and truly in recovery from that before we TTC and that did throw a spanner in the works a bit as i set a pretty high bar (ie symptom free for 12 months).

so we were aiming for a 2ish age gap. in the end DD2 took 9 months and we have a 3 year and 5 day gap...which i have found to be perfect :loveshower:

but there was the fear tbh, the fear of not being able to make another baby or to hold onto them long enough to bring them earthside (we had many first tri losses over the years). i dont know, i guess that for those of us that have fertility concerns the worry/fear of 'can I/we?' will never go away. My only advice is to only start trying when you actually really want to (sounds obvious, but i hope you get my meaning lol).

Thanks guys. I really didn't think we'd be thinking about this at all, and probably wouldn't be if AF wasn't such a stark reminder or what a ***** my reproductive organs are. To the person who asked which was worse...children closer together or none at all, I'd definitely prefer closer together. No more children would break my heart.

As well as wanting to complete our family by 30, I want to finish a degree in that time also. So 3 years between children and a 3 year degree makes it a rather tight squeeze. I'm thinking more and more that it's looking like we may be completing our family into our 30's. So although on the face of it we have a good 8 years up our sleeves, it will be tight. And although it is something thy is important to DH and I that we be done by 30 (DH's dad died last year, he was 74 :o ) it's looking like it will have to be flexible. My uterus and tubes are just going to get worse and worse. I got PID from a d&c 3 years ago that left a lot of scarring in my uterus and tubes, and my left tube is partially blocked. The PID has reoccurred once since then which left more damage. Add PCO into the mix, only ovulating randomly and sometimes not at all, and having a luteal phase that jumps from 5 to 16 days, and possible endo. The FS also mentioned DH's sperm condition will start to deteriorate after the age of 30. So I'm feeling torn...do we TTC earlier than anticipated (in 6 months) on the assumption that it will take ~2 years to conceive again, running the risk that we may get pregnant sooner than we hoped (by about a year)...or do we TTC around the time we wanted, hoping we fall quickly? I'm still not quite sure which is 'worse' for me...a pregnancy a year earlier than we wanted, or one 2+ later. Either way, I'm going to make an appointment with my gyno and get everything checked out, see how everything is looking and go from there I guess. I really appreciate all this feedback.

I think about this all the time PZ!
I am 29 and DH is 36 and we don't even have 1 yet :( We wan't 2 children so if I'm lucky and conceive n the next 6 months, we will probably start trying within 12 months. Given my age and the fact it's already taken us over 2 years. I always wanted about a 2 year age gap, but I realise now that that may not be a good idea.

PZ, why not split the difference and try in 12 months?

Here's my story :)

We were looking at wanting 2-2.5 yr gap. But because we needed help (metformin to establish cycles) with DS, we decided to start trying at 12 mths. I wasn't going to try earlier than that as I didn't want to affect breastfeeding in that first 12 months. Turns out I was super fertile after baby! We fell 2nd attempt. I had beautiful clockwork ovulatory cycles from 3 months post baby. So our first gap is closer than intended.. and closer still cos she was prem! LOL.

Again, cycles were beautiful 5mths post baby but the desire for #3 took a little longer.. and took a little twisting of DH's arm too ;) So I think Kayla was 18+months old when we started TTC. And by that 18 months, my cycles were taking a turn for the worse and as you know were getting longer and longer and longer. All my fertility problems were returning and it took 16 mths to fall. So we have a 3 1/2 yr age gap. I must say, watching the age gap get longer and longer than what we wanted was hard :( Cos the other two were close in age, I didn't want the 3rd to be too distanced from the 2 of them. But you take what you can get really (and TBH we're enjoying the age gap :) )

So I guess from my experience, I would start TTC at the very minimum age gap you think you could cope with, and hope for the best I guess! In my case it's evident that my fertility is quite good after baby, and dwindles again over time (AF returned this time at 3 1/2 months). So I wouldn't want to be leaving it too long.

It's amazing how quickly the time goes tho hey. Our babies are nearly 6 months old already.. and if we were going for #4 i'd be wanting to start TTC again in only 6 months! LOL! Sadly... ain't gonna happen :/

its a tough one....

while im not a LTTC-er, i have difficulties with pregnancy that requires bed rest for 3/4 of my pregnancy....

im like you, horrified at the thought of falling pregnant now, it terrifies me BUT i think taking the consideration the fertitlity side of things, as someone else mentioned id start trying when u would get the minimum gap you would be happy with.

:hug: its a tough one

It took me 12 months to conceive DS1 after a MC, I always wanted a close age gap so when AF turned up when DS1 was 6 months old we decided to see how my cycle was for a couple of months so we knew when to TTC, I anticipated it would take ages and I would be a crazy POAS psyco again as well as temping but I didn't need to as we fell preg the first month we tryed! This did freak me out as I think mentally as much as I thought close would be nice I didn't expect it to happen!!! My boys are 18 months and 4 days apart and its fantastic!

Good luck its hard call when there as so many medical issues involved but you do need to ensure your mental health is going to be ok if you were to conceive earlier than you originally planned as 2 young and in nappies is hard work!

I honestly can't think of anything harder or worse than two little ones at once. Hence the 3-4 age gap. And I know this sounds so silly, but...I can't even imagine my heart has love enough for any baby other than DD. Can you really love all your children equally? It seems impossible to me right now.

I guess the state of my fertility is what is going to dictate this. If things are bad, we'll be trying again in 12-18 months. In a way I'm resigned to the fact that it will take 2 years again, which is obviously dangerous thinking if I rely on that too much. Sigh. Hard lfe being a control freak ;)

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I honestly can't think of anything harder or worse than two little ones at once. Hence the 3-4 age gap. And I know this sounds so silly, but...I can't even imagine my heart has love enough for any baby other than DD. Can you really love all your children equally? It seems impossible to me right now.

I guess the state of my fertility is what is going to dictate this. If things are bad, we'll be trying again in 12-18 months. In a way I'm resigned to the fact that it will take 2 years again, which is obviously dangerous thinking if I rely on that too much. Sigh. Hard lfe being a control freak ;)

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i hear you on the control freak side of things :redface: im shocking at being controlling...

and as for the 2 babies at once... i think its bad when DD is sick, i cant imagine having to deal with 2 small kids sick, or awake in the night...
and i feel sad for DD thinking of another baby taking away her lime light.... for now, who knows if things will change...

with ur fertility, i think getting checked out is a good idea, you might then have a better idea of where u stand with how things are going

One big thing I learnt from our TTC journey is that you just can't plan babies. Some people do, and that works for them, and that's great. But the demise of our "plan" was a really big part of my grief. I truly don't believe in an ideal age gap; I just believe in wanting, welcoming and loving each baby as it comes.

So for us, we are not even thinking about TTC. Not planning, not trying, not even giving it a thought. We are NTNP, and hoping that when the time is right for us, that it will happen, and in the meantime, focusing on enjoying our gorgeous little almost-one-year-old bundle.

Oh I have four babies and they are all so special. You don't love the one you have less a whole new love in born with the new baby. And the kids don't miss out on love as there is a sibling to live them too.

If it helps at all I totally promise that with each TTC and pregnancies everyone has the holy cow moments of how in the hell am I going to be able to deal with another one ... The answer is simple, you just do!

Our gaps are longer than I'd have liked but with my angels god obviously had other plans :)

Our decision was a combination of infertility factors and our age - i turned 40 in may. If not for those 2 factors, we would've waited longer to start trying for #2. As it was, i weaned DS at 6 mths, and we started IVF again when he was 8 mths. We had 2 failed cycles and than a natural miracle!! So there will be a 20 mth gap between them - a little less than i would've liked, but we just didn't want to wait too long in case it took 18 months again. Good luck!!!

PZ - now don't get all freaked out but i wanted to have three kids by the time i was 30 too! Bahaha! I didn't even have one!
Because i know 100% that i have endo, then as soon as AF came back i knew that endo was creeping in again. My option was wait and have my kids further apart and have another endo operation, or start having transfers done as soon as AF came back - which is what we decided to do. Our ages weren't a factor per se, but we had wanted to have our kids a bit younger, so we didn't want to wait for too long.
Whilst i know you are a spring chicken compared to me, that makes no difference. If you want more additions to your clan then having people tell you that you are 'still young' is no comfort. If you think 3 years sounds like a good gap, then i think i'd start a bit earlier than that. Like N2L said, split the difference maybe.

FWIW DS2 was born when DS1 was 21 months. We consider ourselves very lucky.

One thing I have learned is to not set deadlines. Life doesn't work that way - I wanted to be done by 30, then have my first by 30.... like Lenny it didn't happen. But it's ok. It happened this way instead.
Personally, I set a minimum age gap and start from there. And concentrate on enjoying what I have (trying hard not to obsess about what I don't have).

We wanted a 2 year gap. Ha ha! We are up to a minimum of 3.5 now. And I'm not even pregnant yet.

I learned a painful lesson that I have no control over my (in)fertility and that planning was useless. When I felt the urge to add another, we started trying, and we will keep trying til we get DC2 or are forced to give up.

I suggest you start trying when you feel that "stir" again :). If there is anything worse than going through infertility treatments, it's going through treatments without being 100% committed or into it.

We had started trying when DD was just over 12 mo. This was after ttc for 13 mths & two m/c to conceieve DD and we were just about to be referred to the FS. In my heart I thought we'd have a difficult road to travel to fall pg again, but 3 further mc, just over 3 years ttc, 6 mths of failed clomid, a lap & dye study, 3 failed IUI cycles & 1 failed IVF cycle I'd never thought it would be that difficult. Having said that though & looking back at all that we have endured so far, I still don't think I would have tried any earlier than DD being at least 1 yo....

We have male factor infertility here and both DS1 and DS2 are ICSI/IVF. The results of my DH's sperm tests have all shown that it is highly unlikely we will fall pg naturally (though I had one M/C that was a natural pregnancy). Basically, DH's results are only slightly better than that of someone who has had a vasectomy. So we are trying and have by trying since resuming the B/Ding after both boys. Yes, I have to say there is a fair bit of fear associated with if I actually did fall pregnant, but I know my joy would outweigh the fear. Yes, it would be tough with an small age gap, but I know that I would be able to mostly handle it. As a Christian, I know that God is in control of all things, so I guess I have faith that these things will work out.

We resumed IVF on DS1 first birthday. To be honest we were expecting it to take a few rounds and so were surprised when it worked first cycle! Hence the 21 month age gap. This time I think we'll be back at IVF when DS2 is 18 months.

PZ - you sound so like us! my DF only has about 4% decent sperm, all the others swim backwards, have 2 heads etc, and are very slow at that! hence why we had 2 earlier losses. took 2 years to get our first son, we never used contraception after his birth and my AF came 28 days exactly after he was born, it took another 18 months before we got our surprise in feb this year, we weren't trying but if it happened we were ok, my boys are 2years and 3 months a part and yes it is HARD! but I love them both just the same, as I too thought I couldn't love another one as much as my first but you do! we also want 3 kids before 30 and I too have completed 4 years of uni and going back for another 2 starting next year, it is possible but not easy. We are waiting til our first is in school before we complete our family. Have a good talk with your man about it. Once your DD gets a bit older and things get a little easier I am sure you will change your mind ;)

I'm not a LTTTCer so cannot comment on that front, although I think the PP's have given you some great advice and I hope you work through it. However wrt loving subsequent children, I promise you that you have enough love for more children. And with each subsequent child you love each one a bit more because you love how they are as a sibling and as an example and influence. You love how they learn and teach and interact. Whatever you decide will be the right thing xx