Finding the balance between spacing your children and infertility (LTTTC)

[sunshine 11]

Without wanting to be dramatic, for me the question was, would I prefer to not have another child (because I waited too long) over having a gap that might not be ideal for first 12 months. It took me so long to have #1, I wouldn't have cared. It ended up being 22 months which I found was fine, but still took 6 transfers which if I hadn't done almost back to back, it would have taken me much longer. Do what your heart (and a bit of your head!) says.

[jacklicky]

We started trying as soon as I got AF back (I told DH as soon as I went back to work but AF hadn't turned up by then).
My age had the biggest factor in timing. We then found out we had fertility issues we didn't with trying for DD.

I always wanted a nice two years....long enough have time with first bubs and enjoy her but not too long they wont be close enough in age to be good friends.....well that obviously didnt work out for us.
We will now have a 3 1/2yr age gap when this bubs is born.....and to be honest as time went on I was really ok with the age gap...I just hope the two of them still play together happily....

I agree with Lairdoz said though....depending on what your problem was, the choice between waiting for a 'better; age gap and the potential for not having another child at all...Id be jumping straight back into it....

[Lenny]

PZ - now don't get all freaked out but i wanted to have three kids by the time i was 30 too! Bahaha! I didn't even have one!
Because i know 100% that i have endo, then as soon as AF came back i knew that endo was creeping in again. My option was wait and have my kids further apart and have another endo operation, or start having transfers done as soon as AF came back - which is what we decided to do. Our ages weren't a factor per se, but we had wanted to have our kids a bit younger, so we didn't want to wait for too long.
Whilst i know you are a spring chicken compared to me, that makes no difference. If you want more additions to your clan then having people tell you that you are 'still young' is no comfort. If you think 3 years sounds like a good gap, then i think i'd start a bit earlier than that. Like N2L said, split the difference maybe.

FWIW DS2 was born when DS1 was 21 months. We consider ourselves very lucky.

[onthefly]

One thing I have learned is to not set deadlines. Life doesn't work that way - I wanted to be done by 30, then have my first by 30.... like Lenny it didn't happen. But it's ok. It happened this way instead.
Personally, I set a minimum age gap and start from there. And concentrate on enjoying what I have (trying hard not to obsess about what I don't have).

[Maruschke]

We wanted a 2 year gap. Ha ha! We are up to a minimum of 3.5 now. And I'm not even pregnant yet.

I learned a painful lesson that I have no control over my (in)fertility and that planning was useless. When I felt the urge to add another, we started trying, and we will keep trying til we get DC2 or are forced to give up.

I suggest you start trying when you feel that "stir" again . If there is anything worse than going through infertility treatments, it's going through treatments without being 100% committed or into it.

[LuluHB]

After DD1 was born I guess I naively thought her full time breastfeeding, no AF return etc would give me some space. Given my age when she was born (37) and previous history of losses we decided to try again quickly, and would have aimed for a gap of about 18 months. My uterus thought otherwise and I ended up with a 12 month gap. Far from ideal, and like you have said, I was pretty horrified looking at those 2 lines and throughout my entire pregnancy.

After issues with DD2 it has taken until the beginning of this year for me to be ready to try for #3. 4 losses later I am now pregnant with what is hopefully my "bring home" baby. Again, not the ideal age gap but it is what it is.

I honestly think if you have fertility issues then like Lairdoz says, you need to weigh up the desire for another child over the ability to actually choose when that child will be in your arms. While I had an awful time throughout pregnancy with DD2 and beyond, the thought of me having missed the opportunity to have her, and now #3 because I waited for a more appropriate time is not worth thinking about. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have the children I do, ideal gaps or not.

[briggsy's girl]

Without wanting to be dramatic, for me the question was, would I prefer to not have another child (because I waited too long) over having a gap that might not be ideal for first 12 months.

this was our logic in not using contraceptive at all. our chances were slim of conceiving, and if it happened, any age gap would HAVE to be ideal! we didn't fall pregnant til just before DD's 2nd birthday (so about 22 months of unprotected sex in there) - we lost that bub the day after DD's second birthday, which was heart breaking - but nature did what nature did, and now we just wait and see if it happens for us again naturally. DD is now 2.5, so i guess we'd be looking 3.5 ish years if i was to get BFP soon. i'd have liked less gap, but each day shows me that DD is more and more likely to understand and maybe even help a little. so if nature says it's to happen, it will happen eventually...

[MrsFabuloso]

I'm not a LTTC er so I can't comment on those terms, but aren't you quite young hun? So if you wanted to have 3 children before 30, despite it possibly taking a couple of years each child, wouldn't it be doable?

[*LittleMissSummer*]

I don't know if i would class myself as being a "LTTCer" but we had tried for a baby since i was 17 and weren't successful until 21. But its become apparent that i may be less fertile than i first thought.... the fact ive had a m/c plus 2 chemical pregnancies. We too wanted atleast a 3 year age gap between our kids but when my pcos returned nastily after having DD we reconsidered and we want to have all our children while we know we can.

I do agree with Keike that obviously don't TTC now while the thought of another pregnancy is terrifying. I do think waiting until your DD is 12 months because as you say atleast then if you were to concieve right away you would have atleast 2 years in between.

But only you can decide when a good time is, maybe you can speak with your doctor and start preparing for a second.

[Cassius2]

we had issues conceiving DD1 and it took almost 2 years due to endo etc. I had similar thoughts and worries, but i had another time-bomb to consider of my PND (unfortunately!). i wanted to be well and truly in recovery from that before we TTC and that did throw a spanner in the works a bit as i set a pretty high bar (ie symptom free for 12 months).

so we were aiming for a 2ish age gap. in the end DD2 took 9 months and we have a 3 year and 5 day gap...which i have found to be perfect

but there was the fear tbh, the fear of not being able to make another baby or to hold onto them long enough to bring them earthside (we had many first tri losses over the years). i dont know, i guess that for those of us that have fertility concerns the worry/fear of 'can I/we?' will never go away. My only advice is to only start trying when you actually really want to (sounds obvious, but i hope you get my meaning lol).