How to become financially independent from DH?

*deep breath*

So, after a heated conversation yesterday afternoon, that ended with me being told that he "would take my phone of me and smash it" because I went over my cap last month (quite a lot over, I had no idea, and TBH I am going to call Vodafone and ask them to check the billing ,etc, I have had the same cap for 5 years and NEVER even come close to using it all, let alone going over by $400)
Anyway, I was furious. I am furious. DH has NEVER EVER pulled the "I earn the money" card on me in such a domineering way before and I don't like it.
He earns the money, it goes into an account in his name, I have recently given over the responsibility of paying the bills and the finances to him (I suck with money anyway, but I don't think he really aprreciated how much every really cost and how much of a PITA it is to have to worry about it, so let him do it now). Which I am happy with. Never concerned me before really. He transfers most of the money into another account I have access to, I have the debit card for it, and he doesn't question what I spend etc, so I don't feel controlled like that.

We are coming very very slowly back from a split in our relationship, that has been going on for most of the year. And I am still not sure how much I am forcing myself to stay, how much because I am scared to leave and how much is because I really do love him. This last night though has made me seriously reconsider what I am doing.

I went in to his study about 15mins after his comment and asked him if he wants me to bill him weekly, fortnightly or monthly. He asked for what. I said, "Raising your children, cleaning your house, doing your washing and cooking your meals." He is such an arrogant ***** sometimes, I honestly don't know if I can do this. He said that I should write up an itemeised list of expenses for him to look at. I told him he better think about it carefulyl, not sure he can actually afford me.


I am in a situation where I can get no assistance from CL - I don't work, but I am studying FT, but that doesn't matter, because he earns too much money.
I need some advice. I want to begin to become financially independent. And if I am being completely honest, I want to do it so he doesn't know, and so I can leave him. I am not happy and this is just sucha clear smack in the face of how our relationship functions, it is scary. I don't like him.

So, how do I begin to do this? Is it amatter of just squirreling away a couple of hundred dollars a week into a secret bank account? Is there some way I can apply to CL to be considered independent of my husband? I hate this. I hate that I have let myself become so dependent on a someone else. I hate that I don't have teh security and autonomy in my own life to pack up and leave my husband, all becuase I have no money of my own.

Lots of hugs. I'm on my phone ATM but will come back and reply on the computer soon xoxox


Cat xox

Im sorry you are going through this

Absolutely open your own bank account for a start. Are your children in childcare? Do you get the childcare tax rebat annually. I would try and get this deposited into your account next time it is due

I would also be putting money away weekly from your house keeping money or ask DH to put money into an account for you weekly to buy groceries and pay your mobile phone, then try and live tightly and withdraw some extra funds and deposit them into your other account when you can.

My situation is different as I work however My DH and I have always had seperatre bank accounts. My salary sacrafice goes into the mortgage and we both put money weekly into the bills account. DH pays a large amount of the mortgage and my papy goes towards food/clothes/petrol gifts etc. I love my DH and we have never had any financial issues however I could not imagine not having that financial independence, I would feel very oppressed trying to account for every dollar. We have a shared credit card and a joint mortgage which means we would both be aware if the other was spending money we didnt have or redrawing on the home loan, although twe did this originally as the joint CC saved us heaps on fees.

Could you arrange to take back over bills etc and for money to be put into an account you could manage so you have some financial control or jsut having him put money in an account in your name for groceries? Could you start Avon or a junk mail round to try and give you a small independent income?

It's a tough situation you are in.

Yes, start your own bank account and putting money in it. Get yourself a PO Box at the post office for just you.
I would be making an appointment with a CL person and explain your situation and what you want and then see the services, entitlements you can get.

Perhaps even talk to the Salvo's or St Vinnies and see what advice they offer. Sadly they would see this sort of thing alot I imagine. They probably have advisors that would point you in the right direction.
It may be wise to start copying things like house deeds, his bank statements, share portfolio's, investments and anything financial that he may be able to hide if and when you decide to leave.

Hi hon, I am feeling much the same way about becoming financially independent so that I don't feel like I have to stay. If I were to separate from dh I would be in a crappy situation and miss out on seeing ds every day as I'm currently lucky enough to be a SAHM. I am currently reading a book called Rich Woman by Kim Kioyosaki. She is the wife of Robert Kiyosaki, the author of Rich Dad Poor Dad. It's very empowering and I am going to take steps to make sure I have enough money to stay or go. Not sure how long it will take but it feels good knowing that I'm doing something. Hope it all works out.

Sorry to hear you are having to go through this :(

Definitely open your own bank account and get a PO box for your mail only. Try and save some of the money that he puts into your spendings account and move it over into your own bank account. You might have to withdraw the cash first then deposit so there is no trace that he could see. If he asks about the cash withdrawals just tell him it's for groceries, etc.

Talk to centrelink, you never know there might be something you're eligible for.

Ultimately the only way to become financially independent is to get a job. Squirreling away money means that you have the means to support yourself in the short-term if you leave but it doesn't provide you with the independence that a job/career does.
I would think that you need to look at your super and stocks - it's not unreasonable to ask that a percentage of his wages goes into a super account for you. Or you could self-manage super and invest it in stocks etc in your name. Poverty in old age is more common in women than men because so many of us are out of the work-force for extended periods (or even permanently) so women should look towards the future when doing household finances.
Also mortgage - do you have one? If so that should be in your name too. The work you do in the home is what enable him to work out of the home so assets should be jointly owned.

Also, if you want to be financially independent to strengthen your marriage that's great if you want to be financially independent so you can leave him I would think that it's undermining your marriage. Knowing that you can leave is good for a marriage - it prevents resentment. Planning to leave is bad for a marriage so you may as well leave now and claim child support and social security until you get a job.

Keeping secrets about money is not good for any marriage.

:hug: DH moves out on Saturday and I'm quietly ****ting myself about money.

I totally agree with Onyx. You need a complete financial health check really, not just for you but for you and your dh. And it's also right that there is no point hiding money and being sneaky about it. Managing your own super is also a great way to ensure your financial freedom in your older days. The book I'm reading also talks about all of that. Some time ago I also set up a self managed super fund and even doing that has given me some power back. Sure it wont help me right now but it will in the future.

I think Onyx has hit the nail on the head, hun. The only way to become financially independent in the long run is to find a job.

In the short term, squirrelling away money is good to enable you to make a break... make the move... then you'll be able to talk to CL about the fact that you are separated and need some assistance.

Tough gig though. I think a lot of us would be in the same boat, being SAHMs and dependent on the OH for the actual income. Please don't be too hard on the current situation that you find yourself in... :hug:

I am in a totally diff situation to you - as I have financial independence if i want it (ie i am a high earner in my own right) but iw ould agree you need a plan that will lead to longer term stability for yourself. putting money aside may help initially but before long you wont have anything unless you have an income stream.
I agree - spk to some support services about what your options are and then plan and gett hings set up.
Many hugs to you, this is an awful situation.
x

One of my girlfriends is currently doing this. She has recently opened her own bank account, she is putting money into that account from the household budget. Her current DH (because she is working towards him being her XH) controls all of her spending, while we were in Bali in Sept she had to ask for extra spending money to buy presents for the kids (mainly because we made her spend the money he had initially given her on herself with spa treatments, clothes etc). She realises it is going to be a journey to get to the point that she has enough of a nest egg to be able to leave him, but we’re all behind her 100% and supporting her in any way she can.

I think Onyx made some really good points hun.

Squirreling away a bit of money here and there isn't going to give you financial security. It might give you the security of knowing that you can up and leave and get by for a week or two. But to put enough away for anymore than that, then you're going to have to be hiding significant amounts on a regular basis for a long time... If you are thinking that there is still hope for your marriage (which only you can answer) then this probably isn't the best idea. If you're looking to create a way out, well this is one way out.

But TBH, if you want out then I tend to think you might be better just withdrawing a chunk of money from the savings/mortgage/credit card/whatever and getting it over with. That way it's out in the open and he can't pin the ongoing deceit on you down the track. Also, the other thing to keep in mind in regard to super is that it is now considered a marital asset and as such you can claim part of his super as part of a divorce settlement.

HTH and good luck hun :hug:

:hug: I totally agree with Onyx too.

Work is the only thing that will give you financial stability. Is there someone who is willing to help with babysitting while you work?
This is one thing I am terrified about when I finally do have kids. DH and I both work full time, but I control all the money and bills as he is hopeless with money. When the time comes for me to stop working, I will lose my independence, and it scares me. I want to be spending my own money, not someone else's.

I really hope you can get something sorted xx

I will be going back to work in the new year, wha I need is some money to get out. I can't just "up and leave" - there is no money and in Perth ATM there is nowhere to go - no rental properties. It just is not possible at the moment. So I have the time to get organised first. I will be talking to DH when he gets back from work next week (he left 4am this morning).
There is no savings/credit card to wihdraw a chunk of money from - we used all my contingency when he was out of work for 9months and we lived off it. Hence the needing to put he money away somewhere.

Thanks for your help everyone :) I appreciate all the assistance x

This is what I did but I was absolutely planning to leave (and did), it wasn't just about having an option so I'm not sure if it is relevant but anyway, that is the disclaimer.

xDP had a well paying job, we lived very comfortably and I was staying home full time with DD. We had built substantial savings (it was for a house deposit) in an account entirely in his name that I had to walk away from so I understand completely how it can feel to have given up your financial independance. He then had an account which was for day to day expenses (usually sat around $5000) which I had access to but it wasn't in both our names either.

For about 2 months before, I took a couple of hundred each week out by withdrawing a small amount each day so that it wasn't too obvious. DP was quite controlling so I didn't want to alert him to anything until I was ready to make my move. On the day that I left, I took out the daily limit which was $800 so all up I had around $2500, DP had my card cancelled that next day which is what I was expecting. I went straight to centrelink and began the process of applying for payments, they took a couple of weeks to begin but were backdated to my first contact with them. I was then lucky enough to be able to stay with my parents for a few months (so with very few expenses) to start building up enough savings to make a new home.

I left while he was at work and I took everything I felt I could but obviously there were gaps that needed filling (toaster was one thing I bought almost straight away lol but other things, like a TV, I never bothered replacing so we didn't have one until we moved in with now DP about 18 months later) and it was a little rough at first. We lived very basic in a tiny one bedroom place, we walked almost everywhere. Funny enough, now that I have more financial freedom with my new partner, we still live in a tiny place with a huge yard, we still walk almost everywhere and I love all the basic ways of living I established in that time of neccesity haha. You will be surprised all the things you don't really need when you have to make every dollar count :)

Can you talk to Centrelink and explain the situation - they may be able to help with an emergency payment to help you get out. Maybe any of the charities, Salvos, Vinnies etc.

Is there anyone that you can borrow some money off??

It sounds like a terrible situation.

As far as squirelling (???) money away can say the groceries cost a little more than they do etc, maybe the electicity was a little more expensive (I know that personally mine trippled) - does he check the account balances...

in terms of independence in the eye's of c'link/government, they look at the nature of the household for you to be deemed seperated under one roof. the nature of your relationship includes sexual, financial and social interdependence (among other things) - if you are no longer involved in a sexual relationship, it's not enough. you have to be in the process of seperating totally and ONLY being in the same house because of limited reasons. one being that you don't ahve any money so you can't branch out on your own as yet until you get financial support

you would have to provide details of your relationship, and these are quite detailed. you'll be asked questions as to your living arrangements, how many people know you're seperated, how you are perceived in the eyes of society, what efforts you've made to seperate your finances (you mentioned having a debit card on his account - this would potentially work against you). you can explain that he is controlling in terms of finance and things, and that is what is stopping you leaving, but you need to be clear on what is happening, and be prepared to be knocked back if you are still, for the most part, functioning as a family. things like you doing all the cooking for all of you, eating meals together, doing the household washing (as opposed to doing yours and the girls and making him do his own). they will all work to stop you being deemed independent of him. you need to essentially show cause as to why you should be treated as housemates, not a couple kwim? in most cases, he would also be expected to complete the same forms to deem you seperated, so it wouldn't be a "secret" sort of thing. you'd have to show cause as to why it would put yourself or your children at risk if you let him know what is going on. this would need to be assessed by a social worker in most cases. and it would normally only be in cases of DV at a guess.

i've seen many more people knocked back than granted this status. and it's reviewed very regularly. it's intended as a stop gap while you find an alternative, not as a long term living arrangement kwim?

I would start with what a couple if the PP have suggested. Opening up your own bank account and trying to get some $$ into that for when the inevitable happens.
You could contact Centerlink and see what assistance they would/could offer, there is something called seperated under the same roof, but that would prove difficult to assess if you are still playing 'happy families'.

I think getting all of your 'ducks' in order is a very smart move. Start thinking about the bills and who's names they are in, try get as many as you can in his name, that way you won't leave with any bills (like electricity, home phone, etc) If there is any personal loans that you two share, or your own loan, try get as much as you paid off, this will make it easier on you in the long run. Remember the important paper work, birth certificates, marriage etc get them all together so you know where they are.

I'm sorry that your going through this, and I wish you all the best xoxo Lots of support and hugs xxo

Bill him for services and use that money as a nest egg. Do NOT just take his money and put it into your account where he cannot access it - that's theft. Even if you're married, if your intent is to deprive him of the money he has earnt, it's theft.

What's so bad about just finishing your studies as a couple and leaving when you have a job? It would make financial sense. Or would to me anyway.