WWYD? DH wants to go on an oversea's trip (alone) when I'm 35wks?

That pretty much sums it up...

He had a really good year at work last year and came in #2 in the country. His company has an international awards celebration which is in Singapore this year. The thing is, it is when I'm going to be 35 weeks pregnant and he will be away for 5 days.

Now, I really don't want to say 'no'. He deserves to go and I don't want to be the reason he doesn't. So, I have said it will have to depend on how I'm doing physically. We really don't have any family support to help out and 5 days on my own with DS is daunting now, let alone when I'm that far along. I'm also scared that something could happen, he'll be a 10 hour flight away and I'll be by myself scrambling to find someone to look after DS so I can go to the hospital.

So, what would you do in my position?

that is truly craptastic timing :(

i would be inclined (as long as there was no medical reason such as PE or a glaring reason why i might go into labour early) to say go.

will you have finished work by then so you'll be at least more relaxed at home rather than rushing around? is there anyone at the childcare centre who you would trust & be happy to approach with helping out to look after your gorgeous DS if there was a reason you needed to go to hospital? (i would love to offer but i'm worried i may not be the most reliable at that stage!!). do you have a friend that would maybe stay for a night or two to give you a hand or at least keep you company?

ultimately though, i think you need to be really comfortable with your decision - balancing out your concerns & also how your DH will feel if he doesn't go (and how he will feel if he did miss something back here).

:hug:

With no family support around? I'd be saying that I wasn't comfortable with him going :hug:

My DH went to China for two weeks when I was 32 weeks pregnant - I was alone with a nearly 4 and nearly 2 year old and like you we have no family or support around. He was out in the sticks and we went days without any sort of contact. I ended up with some horrible bug and was the sickest I have been pretty much ever (coughing until vomiting every time I moved).

But we made it through. He didn't come home to a very happy wife, but I managed to drag us through. You will be surprised at what you can do. It is only 5 days, which isn't that long. 35 weeks isn't that likely for labour, do you have a friend that would be available to call JIC?

My parents are going overseas for 2 weeks and when they get back I'll be 37 weeks. I had a few preterm scares with DD (delivered at 34 weeks) so I'm worried.
They are the only ones who can look after DD.

If you haven't have a premmie or pre-term labour before then I'd say let him go.

I know it's scary, I'm scared too.

Um, how about no, no, no, no and erm, no!

My DH was away (deployment) when I was at the same stage as you. Luckily enough he came home a week and a half before my due date to spend a month at home. Bubs was born on his due date (induced so DH would be there) and DH was off again 10 days later. If it was an option he wouldn't have gone anywhere. As it was, I was greatful to have him at home for the amount of time I did. My parents were on one side of the country and I was on the other.

While he was away I stressed and fretted over every little twinge, kick, unintended bladder leak etc... To make matters worse my OB went on holidays (to Singapore of all places!!) and returned the day before bubs was due.

Tell him how you really feel and give him a chance. If how you really feel is, "honey I would rather you be at home" then tell him and let him make up his mind.

It sucks being on your own as your due date gets closer. :hug:

At 35 weeks I would definitely be letting him go. It is only for 5 days and what an honour for him! At that gestation I was close to two months away from labour with my first. If you really thought you were going to go that early or had significant health problems then I say just let him go. It isn't often that people really get recognised like that from their employers.

I would let him go also. Any chance he can reduce the days to 3?

DH has been away with work up until I was 38 weeks pregnant with both DS1 and DS2, I did stress a little bit, mainly before I would go to bed each night - you know - what if it happens tonight, blah blah - I have lovely lovely neighbours, who said I could call them day or night, which made me feel better. Can you put in place some kind of support network - does DS go to childcare and if so do they do emergency care - where he could go for the day if you go into labour. Do you have friends you could rely on in the event of anything happening. If you feel you could put an emergency plan into place in the event of anything occuring I would say yes, if not then talk it through with DH and point out the what-if's, etc, etc. You will be amazed at people who will be happy to help you out and put their hands up to help in these situations. x

i'd be inclined to let him decide. Tell him about your concerns etc and then let him make the call because if you put your foot down he might resent you for it in the long run.

And let's face it, being a bloke he'll probably opt to go... then I would be giving myself my employer award... hiring a cleaner for the week; having takeaway whenever we wanted; even hiring a babysitter/nanny for a day or two to give you a break. If the support isn't there with family and friends; then pay for it!

My dh was away from 30 to 39 weeks preg with my 1st child... no support, i wasn't working for the most part and it was horrible. but that was 9 weeks and by 39 weeks preg I was extremely useless to even care for myself and stressed... For 5 days at 35 weeks, should be much more managable... but then i only had me and not little ones to care for too. For DD I didn't let him budge, ever! lol.

Whatever decision you make, just make sure you are comfortable with it and won't regret it.

it does sound like a fantastic opportunity for him, but he might need to modify his plans, like someone else said... we women don't always have to make all the sacrifices you know!

oxoxo

personally i would be ok with him going.. in fact my DH did go towards the end of both pregnancies.
that said it will be reallyhard - but better that then when the baby is just born.

but ifyou feel strongly the other way be upfront with him. i have had trouble free pregnancies and both boys born at 39 wks. maybe some faily could come stay for a few days to help - i did ask my mum to do that.

You need to be honest with him about how you feel. I wonder if there is some compromise you can come to that may help you feel more at ease? Do you have anyone who could come and stay for 'holiday' with you whilst he is away? Or like pp has mentioned book in some extra care and help for the time he is away?
I would worry that missing such an acknowledgement would be seen as a negative from his work's POV as well as being something he should celebrate ITMS.

DH went to Hawaii with mates for a friends wedding when I was 33 weeks preg with DS2, He was away for 10 days, DS1 was not walking and was 16 months old but I let him go as it was important to him. I also have no family near by to help.

I had no issue with him going at all I was just upset I couldnt go as well as I was not comfortable with idea of flying and my OB said no as well!

Unless there is some medical reason, I would be saying it would ok as well. Hard as it is, but I would also be trying to set something up so that if worse case scenario comes up you have some help hun. A bit different for me but DH went OS for 2 weeks when DS was only 3 mths old, and DD was 20 mths old. He went to see our nephew in Canada and it was really tricky juggling both kids (with help admittedly) but it was really important for us to send him over. I think it is a great honour for him and a great chance too. Good luck hun! xoxo

Apart from my jealousy of not been able to go with him I wouldnt see a problem with it. Its five days so you know you can do it, and yes it is really ****ty timing but what are the chances of this happening again??

Besides think of the duty free he can bring back for once bubs is here, and the power of having the "I cant believe you left me here all by myself to go on a trip to Singapore when I was 35wks pregnant" card over him is HUGE :lol:

Im thinking foot rubs on demand for a month is the bare minimum!

I second the point to tell your DH your reservations, but let him decide. Yes you may not like his decision, but its his to make.
Yes it will be a long 5 days, but its only 5 days. Yes see if you can get a friend to stay with you for a couple of days, and plan the days with things to do with your DS.
You'll only be 35wks, chances of labour are slim, just make sure you dont over do it.

Last pg, I wouldn't have had an issue. I was still working, getting myself to and from appointments, not a sign of prelabour on the horizon, no noticeable BH and I was feeling quite good by then!

This pg, totally different story. I would *not* be cool with him going, and TBH I would resent feeling like I even needed to spell that out to him ... I would much rather he tell me about this wonderful honour he has received, and what a shame it is he won't be able to go to the ceremony because it's in another hemisphere and goes for five days, when I'm at the end of my pregnancy ...

If it was something for work which he had to go on, and our livelihood depended on it, etc, or if he had a job which required travel etc and that was part of the package I'd bought into with him, I would understand and suck it up - but for something which is a perk, I wouldn't want him gone for that long at that stage, leaving me alone with an almost 3 and not quite newborn, with all the trimmings of a 35 week preggo lady.

I would be sad for him missing it, but he has already won the glory and recognition, maybe they can Skype him in to accept the award (like the Oscars ;)) and while it would be sad to miss out on the trip itself, work perks need to come second to you.

In a years time, which will he be more proud of - being there to accept the accolades, or being a good husband and father?

I understand that it's likely a once in a lifetime opportunity, but so is what will be going on back at home ...

If however he does opt to go, and you choose to support him, I'd definitely be making plans to have hired assistance if there isn't family around. Pre-planned meals, delivered shopping, daycare or some babysitting, a cleaner, etc. I know it's only 5 days but whatever you can plan in advance so that you don't have to stress and run around while he's gone, the better. Bustling around at the shops with 35 weeks of belly and a 3yo trying to get the bits and pieces needed for dinner or nappies or whatever without assistance is not going to make you any happier or calmer when he gets home. :)

If there are no complications then I would be ok with him going provided he helps do enough shopping to see you through the time he will be away, helps cook some meals for that time, doesn't expect any housework to be done (or organises a cleaner) and makes sure you have someone available if you do need anything while he is gone.

Same as most PPs I'd be talking about it but ultimately being OK with him going if that's what he wanted.
If no real health probs for you, maybe like Mak suggested get someone to come and stay with you while he's gone?

I live by myself with the kids. My DH works on a remote community 250kms away far from the tar. It took some adjusting but I'm pretty proud of myself for being so OK. We have no family for support either, but we have been able to set up a few contingency plans just in case. Most people are happy to help if they're asked. I have silly stuff like a note on the fridge with contact details of people here in town, DH, the police station (to contact DH via radio if I can't), his boss, my mum (so dad can put her on a plane straight away) etc just in case I have to call an ambulance or someone in a hurry. A couple of GFs know where my bag is and I've left a note in the top of the few things that are left to go in there.
The hospital know both about my very high risk preg (of course) but also of DH and my situation. I'm lucky enough to have a 5.5yo who's been around 000 operators for a long time so is confident to dial 000 and give her details should need be. I know your little guy is too little for that but what about a printed medical history and someone to call every few hours to make sure you're OK if no-one can stay with you?

Haha he doesnt work for Flight Centre does he? If he does then im going to the same trip! Hahaha

I'd encourage hubby to go if it were me and my DH. It's a special reward for him and *touch wood* it's still early for you. I think maintaining not only a sense of normalcy in your lives but of allowing each other to enjoy your achievements as much as possible is super important pre and post bubba. If something were to happen he can still fly back early. Id only be upset that I couldn't go!!!

My husband values his testicles too much to even think about leaving me in that situation. :D
But in all seriousness... If it were us we would probably find a way where I could come too. Is that possible?

At 35 weeks she will be unable to fly - most airlines do not allow travel past around 34 weeks.

I would let him go, I don't see the big deal really.:dunno: And all this ridiculous talk about cutting his testicles off and being a good husband and father is a bit extreme isn't it? We are all "big girls" and surely can look after ourselves for a few days.

My DH is another that regularly works away and all pregnancies I have been without him for days/weeks on end, sometimes with toddlers in tow. My first pregnancy I was in the UK with no family and he would be gone from Mon-Fri. You just get on with it.

He has worked hard enough to get this trip so I really don't see the issue in him going.

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At 35 weeks she will be unable to fly - most airlines do not allow travel past around 34 weeks.

I would let him go, I don't see the big deal really.:dunno: And all this ridiculous talk about cutting his testicles off and being a good husband and father is a bit extreme isn't it? We are all "big girls" and surely can look after ourselves for a few days.

My DH is another that regularly works away and all pregnancies I have been without him for days/weeks on end, sometimes with toddlers in tow. My first pregnancy I was in the UK with no family and he would be gone from Mon-Fri. You just get on with it.

He has worked hard enough to get this trip so I really don't see the issue in him going.

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Well said.
My DH has always travlled a lot for work and was away when both boys were only 3 or 4 weeks old for a week, its just the way it is. So as I mentioned earlier not an issue when he asked to go away to mates wedding.

I must admit that I don't really see the big deal either TBH. I would want my DH to go if we were in your situation.

Funny thing is my sister was in a similar situation recently, but her DH had scored tickets to the Rugby world Cup final (we are kiwis so rugby mad). My sister was going to be about 36 weeks pregnant at the time and lives in Sydney with no family around and a 3 year old son to look after. On top of that her first son was born at 24+4 so she was deemed a high risk pregnancy. They paid for our mum to come over from NZ to be there 'just in case' and it is just as well because she went into labour whilst he was gone! That's probably not very reassuring for you, but don't forget she was a high risk of preterm labour. And she did end up having their daughter while he was still overseas.

If it was me and I wasn't high risk I would just let him make a decision. If I didn't feel 100% confident being left on my own I would organise for a family member to come and stay whilst he was gone.

Janie xxx

My DH and I would try to make it so we could both go, if not, then he probably wouldn't go. At 35 weeks during my pregnancy there was no way he would have left me and the small naked boy who lived in my belly, he was practically stopping traffic for me if I needed to cross the road (that actually got irritating). But we're both like that, neither of us like being away from the other for any significant amount of time (longest is 2 weeks)

For all you women who would just ''get on with it'' I applaud you, and I think it's brilliant that the OP has a range of experiences provided. But oof, I would be so sad :(

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At 35 weeks she will be unable to fly - most airlines do not allow travel past around 34 weeks.

I would let him go, I don't see the big deal really.:dunno: And all this ridiculous talk about cutting his testicles off and being a good husband and father is a bit extreme isn't it? We are all "big girls" and surely can look after ourselves for a few days.

My DH is another that regularly works away and all pregnancies I have been without him for days/weeks on end, sometimes with toddlers in tow. My first pregnancy I was in the UK with no family and he would be gone from Mon-Fri. You just get on with it.

He has worked hard enough to get this trip so I really don't see the issue in him going.

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Yes, I have to say I agree with this, DH is away in Africa for work for 6 weeks at a time and back home for 2 weeks, with me being pregnant or not pregnant, we still need to put bread on the table so that is the way that it is. 5 days will fly by quickly, and by all means get some help, a babysitter, etc, etc. If it was for him going off for a boys weekend I probably wouldn't be so lenient but work is work and attendance at these sorts of things is noticed, fairly or unfairly.

I think it's great that Miss E has been provided with such a variety of responses, but I have to say that IMHO there's a big difference between someone who has to travel for work - and who does so on a regular basis - and someone who doesn't normally, and so their absence will be quite a dramatic change not just for the OP but also for her DS.

It has also been pointed out that there isn't anyone who can come stay with her.

Some (not many) of the posts seem to have the attitude that the OP should just "suck it up" or that if she doesn't want her DH to go then she would be "not letting" him get this honour, and that seems a little unfair, TBH. Two grown adults in a happy and healthy relationship would hopefully be taking each others' happiness and comfort (and those of any children involved) into account when making a joint decision about this, and they would also be weighing up the pros and cons of the trip itself. Here, it's not suggested in any way that he would not receive the award by not going, just that he won't be there in person. And I'm guessing that there might be 30-120 seconds of the 5 day trip (plus travel) which is actually about him.

I was offered the opportunity to lead a work group on an overseas trip next year for 10 days in Asia - it's a work trip I've participated in three times, and it would be a really big deal for me to lead it next time. But it would involve me leaving my DH home alone with a 23 month old and an 8 week old. There is no way I would do that to my DH, or to my newborn. So I turned it down. When DH and I got together, he knew I planned on working hard on my career, that it may involve long hours and some weekends and very intense periods and probably the occasional trip to Sydney etc, but he did not buy in to me jetting off for 10 days to another continent where I couldn't get back reasonably quickly if needed. So I turned it down. I didn't want to, but it is the right choice for my family, and I do not regret my decision. But I plan to lead the work group in 2013, which DH fully supports. :)

If we could tune out the judgment from our responses to the OP's question, I think that would be lovely.

Most posts are just saying what they'd do and why, but a small number seem a little harsh and judgmental ...

[[on a less serious note, all that being said, it occurs to me that there's a simple solution: how about Amy_jellybean's DH pops over to stay with Miss E while the spouses are away?? :D]]

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts ladies! I totally get how some of you think that I might be being a little OTT, particularly if you're used to having a partner who travels or is away a lot. In my case, I'm very lucky that DH is rarely away, maybe a couple of times a year for two or three days. So, I'm used to having the luxury of having him around to help me out on a day to day basis. But always manage fine when he goes to.

If this was my first pregnancy and I only had me to worry about, I wouldn't bat an eyelid. But I've got an energetic 2.5 year old to look after too, and I'm already starting to notice how the physical implications of being pregnant are making the day to day harder and harder. Just catching him or picking him up to change his nappy, get him in the car or the bath is becoming harder. I'm not sure how I will be going physically at 35 weeks. Last time round I had awful sciatica, which thankfully has stayed away so far, but if I get it this time I don't think I could manage 5 days on my own. In the last month I've also had two episodes of extremely painful BH which have scared me a little...

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Do you have anyone who could come and stay for 'holiday' with you whilst he is away? Or like pp has mentioned book in some extra care and help for the time he is away?

I would worry that missing such an acknowledgement would be seen as a negative from his work's POV as well as being something he should celebrate ITMS.

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Unfortunately, we really don't have anyone who can come stay. All of DH's family is in the US, as is my sister who has 2 kids of her own. All of my friends have babies or toddlers of their own to juggle, and the couple who don't are living in London which is way too far to come back for. But, I do think the suggestion of seeing if I can get one of the carers from CC to help up is a great idea - thanks! I may even see if I can tee one of them to be 'on call' over the weekend just in case.

Until the other day when the rankings came out, DH was planning on missing the trip this year (it happens every year and he has gone along the last couple of years). But given his achievement, he really wants to go to accept his award, which I totally understand. I (and DH really don't think anyone would bat an eyelid if he didn't go). It really is pretty much 3 days of partying and having fun, as opposed to a 'professional' type thing IYKWIM?

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Besides think of the duty free he can bring back for once bubs is here, and the power of having the "I cant believe you left me here all by myself to go on a trip to Singapore when I was 35wks pregnant" card over him is HUGE :lol:

Im thinking foot rubs on demand for a month is the bare minimum!

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Hadn't thought of that... And I do love a good foot rub! ;)

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My husband values his testicles too much to even think about leaving me in that situation. :D
But in all seriousness... If it were us we would probably find a way where I could come too. Is that possible?

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:rofl: I don't think I will be allowed to fly at that point. And, TBH the idea of dragging DS over there so we can hang out in a hotel room for 5 days while DH is off having a wild time doesn't really appeal.

At this stage, I don't think I have reason to say no. It's all what if's right now. I've told DH that I want him to go and that he should accept, but that we might have to reevaluate it a week or two before if I'm not doing so well physically, and he is fine with that. At the end of the day, I know that if there was an emergency and I needed to go to hospital there are a lot of people who I could call to help. What I will lack is that day to day help (which normally wouldn't be an issue), but I think I will try and organise a babysitter to help out for a few hours here and there.

Once again, thanks for sharing!

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Haha he doesnt work for Flight Centre does he? If he does then im going to the same trip! Hahaha

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How funny would this be!

Miss E, I totally get the un-fun-ness ( :lol: ) of dragging a 2.5yo over there for 5 days while DH is off partying. That would so not appeal to me either. My DH is a diver and goes across to Mt Gambier (SA - we are in Melb) for diving weekends a couple of times a year. He keeps telling me I should come too but it is much the same, I would get the delight of looking after two kidlets while he is off having fun diving. No thanks, it is easier to just stay home!

I think your decision to give it a bit more time is a good one! :)

i think it sounds like you've come to a good compromise with your DH to say yes in principal but leaving the door open to re-evaluate if needed. there is nothing wrong with hiring a cleaner and/or a babysitter/nanny to help out if you need it. and start stocking up on menus from places that deliver :lol:

hopefully with some help around the place, it'll give you a few days to spend with your DS having special mummy/DS time before the baby arrives :)

Sounds like you've got it all worked out :)

My DH was away in jersey (uk - i was in perth) right before I had DD. I was pretty darn emotional and scared he'd miss it. I also had DS, who, somewhat sadly, it used to DH going away a lot, but we kind of get ourselves into a rhythm to get us through. Sometimes we even cope better without him!!! (never told him that though!)

I'm sure everything will work out perfectly fine :)




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Actually I've just realised here I am right now at 35 and a half weeks and my hubby is away for three full days this week for work. Maybe that's why I'm so tolerant! He flies a lot with work.

It's a tough one, but for me personally if I were 35 wks I wouldn't be wanting dh to go away.
In saying that you know he is over seas ATM for work and I am 28wks, but given my first pregnancy ds was born at 33 wks I think I'd have a pretty strong case for him to not go..... I am nervous that he is not here ATM incase something were to happen, so after 30wks he needs to stay put.
Do yo have an ob appt just before he goes or anything? Maybe a check up and as long as everything is going quite smoothly may put your mind at ease hat you will be ok for that period