WWYD? DH wants to go on an oversea's trip (alone) when I'm 35wks?

[Miss E]

That pretty much sums it up...

He had a really good year at work last year and came in #2 in the country. His company has an international awards celebration which is in Singapore this year. The thing is, it is when I'm going to be 35 weeks pregnant and he will be away for 5 days.

Now, I really don't want to say 'no'. He deserves to go and I don't want to be the reason he doesn't. So, I have said it will have to depend on how I'm doing physically. We really don't have any family support to help out and 5 days on my own with DS is daunting now, let alone when I'm that far along. I'm also scared that something could happen, he'll be a 10 hour flight away and I'll be by myself scrambling to find someone to look after DS so I can go to the hospital.

So, what would you do in my position?

[sloane]

that is truly craptastic timing

i would be inclined (as long as there was no medical reason such as PE or a glaring reason why i might go into labour early) to say go.

will you have finished work by then so you'll be at least more relaxed at home rather than rushing around? is there anyone at the childcare centre who you would trust & be happy to approach with helping out to look after your gorgeous DS if there was a reason you needed to go to hospital? (i would love to offer but i'm worried i may not be the most reliable at that stage!!). do you have a friend that would maybe stay for a night or two to give you a hand or at least keep you company?

ultimately though, i think you need to be really comfortable with your decision - balancing out your concerns & also how your DH will feel if he doesn't go (and how he will feel if he did miss something back here).

[PumpkinZulu]

With no family support around? I'd be saying that I wasn't comfortable with him going

[Charlotte91]

My parents are going overseas for 2 weeks and when they get back I'll be 37 weeks. I had a few preterm scares with DD (delivered at 34 weeks) so I'm worried.
They are the only ones who can look after DD.

If you haven't have a premmie or pre-term labour before then I'd say let him go.

I know it's scary, I'm scared too.

[Cass72]

Um, how about no, no, no, no and erm, no!

My DH was away (deployment) when I was at the same stage as you. Luckily enough he came home a week and a half before my due date to spend a month at home. Bubs was born on his due date (induced so DH would be there) and DH was off again 10 days later. If it was an option he wouldn't have gone anywhere. As it was, I was greatful to have him at home for the amount of time I did. My parents were on one side of the country and I was on the other.

While he was away I stressed and fretted over every little twinge, kick, unintended bladder leak etc... To make matters worse my OB went on holidays (to Singapore of all places!!) and returned the day before bubs was due.

Tell him how you really feel and give him a chance. If how you really feel is, "honey I would rather you be at home" then tell him and let him make up his mind.

It sucks being on your own as your due date gets closer.

[krysalyss]

At 35 weeks I would definitely be letting him go. It is only for 5 days and what an honour for him! At that gestation I was close to two months away from labour with my first. If you really thought you were going to go that early or had significant health problems then I say just let him go. It isn't often that people really get recognised like that from their employers.

[Mildez]

I would let him go also. Any chance he can reduce the days to 3?

[Boo Boo]

DH has been away with work up until I was 38 weeks pregnant with both DS1 and DS2, I did stress a little bit, mainly before I would go to bed each night - you know - what if it happens tonight, blah blah - I have lovely lovely neighbours, who said I could call them day or night, which made me feel better. Can you put in place some kind of support network - does DS go to childcare and if so do they do emergency care - where he could go for the day if you go into labour. Do you have friends you could rely on in the event of anything happening. If you feel you could put an emergency plan into place in the event of anything occuring I would say yes, if not then talk it through with DH and point out the what-if's, etc, etc. You will be amazed at people who will be happy to help you out and put their hands up to help in these situations. x

[Artechim]

My DH went to China for two weeks when I was 32 weeks pregnant - I was alone with a nearly 4 and nearly 2 year old and like you we have no family or support around. He was out in the sticks and we went days without any sort of contact. I ended up with some horrible bug and was the sickest I have been pretty much ever (coughing until vomiting every time I moved).

But we made it through. He didn't come home to a very happy wife, but I managed to drag us through. You will be surprised at what you can do. It is only 5 days, which isn't that long. 35 weeks isn't that likely for labour, do you have a friend that would be available to call JIC?

[Miss E]

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts ladies! I totally get how some of you think that I might be being a little OTT, particularly if you're used to having a partner who travels or is away a lot. In my case, I'm very lucky that DH is rarely away, maybe a couple of times a year for two or three days. So, I'm used to having the luxury of having him around to help me out on a day to day basis. But always manage fine when he goes to.

If this was my first pregnancy and I only had me to worry about, I wouldn't bat an eyelid. But I've got an energetic 2.5 year old to look after too, and I'm already starting to notice how the physical implications of being pregnant are making the day to day harder and harder. Just catching him or picking him up to change his nappy, get him in the car or the bath is becoming harder. I'm not sure how I will be going physically at 35 weeks. Last time round I had awful sciatica, which thankfully has stayed away so far, but if I get it this time I don't think I could manage 5 days on my own. In the last month I've also had two episodes of extremely painful BH which have scared me a little...

Do you have anyone who could come and stay for 'holiday' with you whilst he is away? Or like pp has mentioned book in some extra care and help for the time he is away?

I would worry that missing such an acknowledgement would be seen as a negative from his work's POV as well as being something he should celebrate ITMS.

Unfortunately, we really don't have anyone who can come stay. All of DH's family is in the US, as is my sister who has 2 kids of her own. All of my friends have babies or toddlers of their own to juggle, and the couple who don't are living in London which is way too far to come back for. But, I do think the suggestion of seeing if I can get one of the carers from CC to help up is a great idea - thanks! I may even see if I can tee one of them to be 'on call' over the weekend just in case.

Until the other day when the rankings came out, DH was planning on missing the trip this year (it happens every year and he has gone along the last couple of years). But given his achievement, he really wants to go to accept his award, which I totally understand. I (and DH really don't think anyone would bat an eyelid if he didn't go). It really is pretty much 3 days of partying and having fun, as opposed to a 'professional' type thing IYKWIM?

Besides think of the duty free he can bring back for once bubs is here, and the power of having the "I cant believe you left me here all by myself to go on a trip to Singapore when I was 35wks pregnant" card over him is HUGE

Im thinking foot rubs on demand for a month is the bare minimum!

Hadn't thought of that... And I do love a good foot rub!

My husband values his testicles too much to even think about leaving me in that situation.
But in all seriousness... If it were us we would probably find a way where I could come too. Is that possible?

I don't think I will be allowed to fly at that point. And, TBH the idea of dragging DS over there so we can hang out in a hotel room for 5 days while DH is off having a wild time doesn't really appeal.

At this stage, I don't think I have reason to say no. It's all what if's right now. I've told DH that I want him to go and that he should accept, but that we might have to reevaluate it a week or two before if I'm not doing so well physically, and he is fine with that. At the end of the day, I know that if there was an emergency and I needed to go to hospital there are a lot of people who I could call to help. What I will lack is that day to day help (which normally wouldn't be an issue), but I think I will try and organise a babysitter to help out for a few hours here and there.

Once again, thanks for sharing!

[sloane]

i think it sounds like you've come to a good compromise with your DH to say yes in principal but leaving the door open to re-evaluate if needed. there is nothing wrong with hiring a cleaner and/or a babysitter/nanny to help out if you need it. and start stocking up on menus from places that deliver

hopefully with some help around the place, it'll give you a few days to spend with your DS having special mummy/DS time before the baby arrives

[peanutter]

Last pg, I wouldn't have had an issue. I was still working, getting myself to and from appointments, not a sign of prelabour on the horizon, no noticeable BH and I was feeling quite good by then!

This pg, totally different story. I would *not* be cool with him going, and TBH I would resent feeling like I even needed to spell that out to him ... I would much rather he tell me about this wonderful honour he has received, and what a shame it is he won't be able to go to the ceremony because it's in another hemisphere and goes for five days, when I'm at the end of my pregnancy ...

If it was something for work which he had to go on, and our livelihood depended on it, etc, or if he had a job which required travel etc and that was part of the package I'd bought into with him, I would understand and suck it up - but for something which is a perk, I wouldn't want him gone for that long at that stage, leaving me alone with an almost 3 and not quite newborn, with all the trimmings of a 35 week preggo lady.

I would be sad for him missing it, but he has already won the glory and recognition, maybe they can Skype him in to accept the award (like the Oscars ) and while it would be sad to miss out on the trip itself, work perks need to come second to you.

In a years time, which will he be more proud of - being there to accept the accolades, or being a good husband and father?

I understand that it's likely a once in a lifetime opportunity, but so is what will be going on back at home ...

If however he does opt to go, and you choose to support him, I'd definitely be making plans to have hired assistance if there isn't family around. Pre-planned meals, delivered shopping, daycare or some babysitting, a cleaner, etc. I know it's only 5 days but whatever you can plan in advance so that you don't have to stress and run around while he's gone, the better. Bustling around at the shops with 35 weeks of belly and a 3yo trying to get the bits and pieces needed for dinner or nappies or whatever without assistance is not going to make you any happier or calmer when he gets home.

[Nai]

If there are no complications then I would be ok with him going provided he helps do enough shopping to see you through the time he will be away, helps cook some meals for that time, doesn't expect any housework to be done (or organises a cleaner) and makes sure you have someone available if you do need anything while he is gone.

[~Kim~]

Same as most PPs I'd be talking about it but ultimately being OK with him going if that's what he wanted.
If no real health probs for you, maybe like Mak suggested get someone to come and stay with you while he's gone?

I live by myself with the kids. My DH works on a remote community 250kms away far from the tar. It took some adjusting but I'm pretty proud of myself for being so OK. We have no family for support either, but we have been able to set up a few contingency plans just in case. Most people are happy to help if they're asked. I have silly stuff like a note on the fridge with contact details of people here in town, DH, the police station (to contact DH via radio if I can't), his boss, my mum (so dad can put her on a plane straight away) etc just in case I have to call an ambulance or someone in a hurry. A couple of GFs know where my bag is and I've left a note in the top of the few things that are left to go in there.
The hospital know both about my very high risk preg (of course) but also of DH and my situation. I'm lucky enough to have a 5.5yo who's been around 000 operators for a long time so is confident to dial 000 and give her details should need be. I know your little guy is too little for that but what about a printed medical history and someone to call every few hours to make sure you're OK if no-one can stay with you?

[Amy_jellybean]

Haha he doesnt work for Flight Centre does he? If he does then im going to the same trip! Hahaha

[OceanPrincess]

Haha he doesnt work for Flight Centre does he? If he does then im going to the same trip! Hahaha

How funny would this be!

Miss E, I totally get the un-fun-ness ( ) of dragging a 2.5yo over there for 5 days while DH is off partying. That would so not appeal to me either. My DH is a diver and goes across to Mt Gambier (SA - we are in Melb) for diving weekends a couple of times a year. He keeps telling me I should come too but it is much the same, I would get the delight of looking after two kidlets while he is off having fun diving. No thanks, it is easier to just stay home!

I think your decision to give it a bit more time is a good one!

[Ladylove]

I'd encourage hubby to go if it were me and my DH. It's a special reward for him and *touch wood* it's still early for you. I think maintaining not only a sense of normalcy in your lives but of allowing each other to enjoy your achievements as much as possible is super important pre and post bubba. If something were to happen he can still fly back early. Id only be upset that I couldn't go!!!

[helle]

My husband values his testicles too much to even think about leaving me in that situation.
But in all seriousness... If it were us we would probably find a way where I could come too. Is that possible?