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If you knew your best mate's partner/wife was heavily pregnant, could have the baby any day, having false alarm after false alarm, would you continuously invite him out to places knowing full well he won't be able to make it?
And then when told that not sure as the baby could come any day, ask what about AFTER the baby is born?
If I was a bloke and I had no clue then I probably would....men (rolls eyes)
My hubby's best mate is like this - no clue. I've had to lay down the law a few times
I'd still invite him out, and give him the space to be an adult and make his own decisions.
At the end of both pregnancies I was keen for DH to get out as much as humanly possible because I knew it would be his last outing on his own for quite some time. He is an adult. He knows what he can and can't do, and still be a responsible husband, birth support person and father.
If DH didn't make it to the birth because he was at an event, it was DH's fault, and no one else's.
Yeah, for sure. I don't think having a baby means all social interaction needs to stop. As Maruschke said, I'd put out the invite and then leave it to him to decide. DF and I do a lot together socially (most of our friends are couples and having babies themselves) so we tend to do a lot with another couple, but if the guys wanted to go out one night, I'd be all for DF going. Would either mean I get to have a bit of a girls night, or just relax at home by myself. I'd just make sure DF had his phone on and with him so if I needed to get hold of him, I could. For me it's no different to him having to go to work but obviously a lot more fun for him :p
He's a grown up and can make his own decisions knowing what the consequences can be. If he is always contactable I can't see the problem, he is after all, out of the house at work all day as well.
Ahh I'm all for DH going out when I get further along.
As long as he isn't drinking and has his phone on him and not the other side of town. I want him to still have a life.
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Yep, this. It would tick me off no end if people stopped invinting me (or my partner) out to events/gatherings/concerts/footy games/anything because I was close to having a baby. Patronising in the extreme.
If I/we/he doesn't want to go, then we won't, and are capable of making that decision for ourselves. Just because we are hainv a baby doesn't mean our life ends. We live in a modern world, with phones, radios, Facebook...he is a big boy, can make big boy decisions, like whether or not it is responsible to get smashed while out, and to accept the consequences of said decisions (like being too drunk to attend the birth of his child) but that is HIS choice to make, not his friends.
So yes, I would ask.
In the very final days, like DD3 being overdue, I did get frusterated with close friends asking ex/us to go to theirs every night. But thats because they have kids, only 2 & it would've been easier for them to come to us. And I didn't wanna go into labour with ex too drunk to drive me to the hospital.
But when blokes have mates, the mates usually have no clue. Which is fair enough. Especially if they're single without kids. Just let it go. It takes more energy to be annoyed with the friend than it would to ignore it :)
I was very happy for DH to go out at the end of my pg's, but as someone else mentioned - no drinking (no more than a beer or two) and phone switched on.
Let me guess, this person doesn't have kids? Most men, pre kids have no idea.
He is big enough to make his decisions.. He has to set the balance between social life and home.. My DH doesn't go out much as he is a shiftworker, as are lots of his friends, so their shifts clash. But being heavily pregnant and I might go into labour, and/or have newborn and toddler at home never stopped him.
If you (or friend) don't want him to go, say so. If you don't he will assume there are no issues.
I think it's perfectly acceptable for a friend to invite a mate out even if his wife is heavily pregnant, why wouldn't it be???
That's the key really, isn't it? You need to be clear with each other and your friends what your expectations and needs are, be honest and up front and work out how to get what you need, and how he can get what he needs also. There are no issues, no matter what you are or aren't comfortable with, if there is honest communication and understanding happening.:
I always think its better to be invited and have to decline, than to have not been invited at all :)
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I'd still invite. Its not a nice feeling knowing you haven't been invited.
I wouldn't care if the friends were inviting my husband out. I would be upset if he decided to go every single time. The end of a pregnancy is draining, but I know my DH would rather be home with myself and my daughter instead of our with his mates the majority of the time in those last few weeks anyway.
The invite could be being nice not excluding him, or the fact some men have no clue!
As long as he has sense not to go far or drink I wouldn't worry. I always had the issue cause ex's idea of popping out meant drinking. Not good then.
I wouldn't care, although I did get a bit annoyed when MIL & FIL invited DH to their house in Spain when I was heavily pregnant with the twins. I could handle him being in the pub, but not in another country and I thought it was rude of them not to consider that.
Maybe i am a little sour as this friend doesn't have children, doesn't want them and so he and his wife have stopped inviting us BOTH out as they know we would bring our DD and if we do get invited its always a 'no kids event'..
Plus on numerous occasions i have mentioned getting together for a BBQ at our place or dinner out and we always get "we will get back to you.." and 6 months passes and still no word :(
I'd still invite someone out and I'd hope people would still invite my DH out.
We're not siamese twins.
I'm also really sour about it because he was invited to go see a UFC match a few weeks ago. What annoyed me about it was they used to come here to watch it, we have a big tv with a good sound system so they could turn it up real loud drink beers and have fun. But since having DD its apparently 'better' to go to a sports club..... yes away from our annoying DD :( He came here once and DD was all over his friend, i found it adorable but clearly he didn't think so he hasnt been back since.
I think its one of the sad realities of parenthood in that to a large extent, your friendships tends to survive with like minded "childed" people and single or childless people can drift a little. Its somewhat sad, but that's certainly whar I found. If I was honest I would concede that pre kids I would prefer to socialise away from other peoples' kids the majority of the time too, and depending on the kids even more so now;-)
No problem here either, but for both of us (not just him). I had to cancel a dinner invitation because I was in early labour.
Nothing like booking something in to get the baby to shift. ;)
DP also goes out to socialise away from us at least once a week. I get to socialise during the day, but he's at work, so I figure he does need some down time.
It certainly sounds like it's a problem with the friends, not so much the invite. While some childless people realise that kids make it a package deal, some people really aren't 'kid' people. The dynamic in my social circle has changed dramatically over the past 12-18 months as we've gone from 1 couple with kids and the rest either couple without kids or singles, to 4 couples with kids (me and DF will make 5). We used to often have house parties that went until the wee hours of the morning and would invite our friends with kids (including the kids) and would keep it fairly family friendly until they went home so the kids could go to bed which is when we'd start boozing it up a bit more. Now it's dinner dates and we're all home in bed by 10 and we don't see so much of the singles or the couple who aren't big on kids. I think it's normal for friends to change as life changes. We aren't all friends with the people that were our BFF's in high school because life has taken us down different paths. It's the same with when we decide to settle down and start a family. People either grow with us, or away from us.
I'd make sure you communicate these issues with your DP assuming you already haven't so he knows why you're not happy about it. Perhaps suggest rather than flat out declining an invite to go out, say to the sports bar to watch UFC, he can say "LMS could go into labour at any moment so I don't really want to go out, but why don't you come here instead".
Personally the invites didn't stop here and i wouldn't really expect them too, it's up to my DP to make the decisioon to stay or go... hell we thougt nothing of him going to work the day DD1 was born and look what happened :rofl:
My cousin went to the AFL grand final the weekend his wife was due :rofl:
I think it's an each to their own, if it annoys your DP that he keeps gettingg asked after saying he's not interested then he needs to be honest with his friends and say i will contact you when i am ready to get out and about.
I was in hospital waiting to be induced with DD and my brother invited DP to the pub! The midwives were amazed I told him to go.... But him hovering around was driving me mental!
I think inviting is ok... Pestering and continuing to invite once it has been made clear it isn't ok is another story.
Hugs LMS. Sounds like you've got a case of the "end of pregnancy grumps". I mean that in a kind way. I was the grumpiest, nastiest most hysterical overdue woman both times! I hope DH spoils you rotten when he's home, and I hope you get the chance to do some lovely things for yourself while you're waiting for the baby xo
THis reminds me of this one time (at band camp :lol: just joking) when I was pg with DS1 back in 2000. Dh and I went over to his sisters place for the night and we all went out to a pub after dinner and SIL was three sheets to the wind ****ed and we saw this guy in the pub with this massive big brick phone on his belt and we were pulling the **** out of him and in the end SIL went over to him and asked why he had the phone making him look like a dork and he told her that his wife was due to have her baby any day and he wanted her to be able to call him blah blah and SIL looked at him, pointed to us and told him how her brother didn't need a phone, he just brought his wife with him LOL.
Let him go - if he has a phone I don't see what the problem is? I can guarantee that you WONT go into labour while he's out on the ****.
It sounds like the issue is more with the friend in question and his motives, and by motives I mean him excluding you and DD, that seems to bother you more than the etiquette of him spending time with DH because you are pg. I think you need to sit down and talk to this friend or accept that he isn't into kids and his relationship is going to be mostly with DH for a bit. Some people don't like kids. Doesn't mean they are evil. They just aren't used to them.
Totally agree with this:
Dh still got invites, for us it was harder as labour started pretty early at 34 weeks with all three, I couldn't expect dh to stay at home but he stopped drinking and was nearby or we had family on standby when I was on bed rest.
Hugs LMS,
It is tough when life changes and friends change with it.
When DH and I first got married one of his single BFF growing up used to come over all the time, so much that it started to be annoying but as he was going through a tough time we cut his some slack, after DS1 was born he didn't visit as much, and we figured out (after a while) that being around us just reminded him of everything he didn't have (girlfriend, family of his own, had just lost his own mum). We still catch up, but not very often at all now.
I know it doesn't feel nice when it seems other people are getting invited and I'm not (we have similar issues with IL) or when it seems our dearest friends can't deal with our family, making spending time with them more difficult (having to find a babysitter, or only catching up after the kids are in bed and leaving them with DH)
Is it that DH is being invited and both of the couple are going? Or is it just the guys?
My best suggestion is communication. With your DH, talk about what you are feeling and why.
Personally the only time I had an issue with Dh going out with friends close to my due date was when I knew he was too far away to get home in time, or if he couldnt get home. Other than that, life went on as usual until I went into real labour and we had had the baby. But then after giving birth, I actually didnt mind Dh going out and having down time with friends.
It does sound like you have deeper issues with this friend. Ok so since having DD they have baulked at the idea of being around kids, but things do change once you've had kids. Some people dont feel comfortable being around them. My Dh was the same with other people's kids, we would cancel things so that he didnt have to interact with the kids, if people came over it was a kid free event. But that was because we werent in that space, and also kids freaked him out.
If you have an issue with them, then explain it to your DP. Its really the only solution.