The "Mine is better than Yours" situations....

I'm sure we have all come across this... hope so anyways, and its not JUST me lol

Person 1: "I am so excited i have achieved this"
Person 2: "oh i know how you feel, I have done that, this and THIS"

Its like its a support/compliment/cheer wrapped up in put down.

Maybe i have only started to notice it more that i have a child, but it drives me bonkers when I will be excited about something dd will do and i have a certain acquaintance who likes to go "oh that’s great, MY baby did that at x age (generally before dd's age) or of course its exciting i know when MY baby...climbed Everest, swam in the Olympics, saved humanity....whatever great moment in their development that fades my own child’s accomplishment into insignificance...." always makes it lose some of my baby's shine.

Why cant people just be happy? Why the competition??
How do i not let it frustrate me??

I am always happy for someone else. Like hey that’s awesome you did this, you’re child is so smart doing that...i think we all need to enjoy the little things in life. I understand people are also equally proud of moments in their life/children etc, but i don’t understand the need for the limelight. Or am i just being easily annoyed...?

I would reply with "Yes, thats great you know how I feel.. but no need to squash those feelings by going on to tell me how much better your thing was"

lol that would make them squirm

Not sure there is an easy fix to this one....

It seems there are many folks who just love being the best and sometimes you just have to let them have their one upmanship to make them feel better about themselves.... Lets face it, they are probably too insecure to simply acknowledge your cool news without going one better, and who knows if their one better is actually true or just a fabricated story anyway...?

I feel your pain, but sometimes its easier to stroke their egos and know that if the situation were reversed you would not do the same! :)

It's a tough one.

I think that some people do need to be the best and have the last word in every conversation. I agree with Mrs O'M - they're probably insecure and chances are that their stories are at least exaggerated and at worst not true. I would deal with people like this by simply saying something like "that's nice dear" and changing the subject.

Other people though are probably not trying to put you down/make themselves seem better than you on purpose but what they say comes out wrong. Perhaps saying what Efjay suggested in a lighthearted way may make them realise that they are sounding like a twat...

I've said replies like the ones you refer to and it's not about being better than someone else its about saying ' yeah me too' or just contributing to conversation by adding your own experiences. Maybe you are taking it the wrong way?

I do the kid thing without thinking...oops!

I try not to but I don't have a lot of friends and find it hard to talk about things so when someone says for eg. My child walked at 10mths I go oh really that's clever, mine waked at 9mths it was so annoying etc etc. but otherwise things end in awkward silence because I don't know hat else to talk about. No wonder I have no friends lol!

But yes would be very annoying to be out done in every situation. (Oh damn I hope my above example didn't fall ino this category for this thread, gah!)

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I do the kid thing without thinking...oops!

I try not to but I don't have a lot of friends and find it hard to talk about things so when someone says for eg. My child walked at 10mths I go oh really that's clever, mine waked at 9mths it was so annoying etc etc. but otherwise things end in awkward silence because I don't know hat else to talk about. No wonder I have no friends lol!


But yes would be very annoying to be out done in every situation. (Oh damn I hope my above example didn't fall ino this category for this thread, gah!)

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Ha ha em no you didn't :) you're fine.

I think it's the attitude of the other person that comes across which is the annoying thing.

I end up ignoring the comments and get annoyed because I'm not good at putting someone back in their place. Sigh.

Oh, I do know what you mean!
TBH I choose to be amused by those sorts of comments. Just like those throw-away cliches people offer you when they mean nothing at all. Just see it for what it is: tactless (and, like poor grammar, pretty funny).
I do admit to getting annoyed at times - we're only human! It's wonderful to invite others to take delight in the things you take delight in. There are friends out there who will - find them! Don't stop inviting it just because there are some complete tossers in this world. xx

I will admit that I probably do that at times, but its not meant to be a brag, like a previous poster, I'm just trying to contribute to the conversation. I probably have just as many times where my comment will be about DD doing the said milestone later.

im one of those people... im trying to stop. but i dont do it intentionally. its more just how i can continue the conversation and show i am intetested in what they are talking about. its normally not until after ive said it i think..oh crap i did it again.

I think we all do it in conversation style, but I guess it's maybe when you know the person and it is absolutely everything they have to do better.

For me it's generally the same person who is never wrong....

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im one of those people... im trying to stop. but i dont do it intentionally. its more just how i can continue the conversation and show i am intetested in what they are talking about. its normally not until after ive said it i think..oh crap i did it again.

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Me to a T.
I would find it really hard to stop at "Congratulations, that's great" - I like to share my life / story etc and sometimes I guess that appears like I am trying to 'win', but I'm not doing it intentionally.

Yeah, I catch myself too, I think its often a conversation continuer/common ground type of thing rather than intended as a "I did it better than you" type of thing.

That and I like to talk, and talk, and talk ................ :D

I find it frustrating too. I have two acquaintances that told me that women that have c sections must feelclike failures and not real mothers. The other thing they said was that babies over 7lb are ugly.

My baby was by emergency c section at 9lb. She was beautifully chubby and absolutely gorgeous. I remember telling them how the c section saved her life and how perfectly gorgeous she was - and still is.

Some people can be very rude. I just think they're excruciatingly insensitive or just plain old dumb!

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Me to a T.
I would find it really hard to stop at "Congratulations, that's great" - I like to share my life / story etc and sometimes I guess that appears like I am trying to 'win', but I'm not doing it intentionally.

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I am exactly the same. No harmful intent just wanting to share my life stories :)

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I find it frustrating too. I have two acquaintances that told me that women that have c sections must feelclike failures and not real mothers. The other thing they said was that babies over 7lb are ugly.

My baby was by emergency c section at 9lb. She was beautifully chubby and absolutely gorgeous. I remember telling them how the c section saved her life and how perfectly gorgeous she was - and still is.

Some people can be very rude. I just think they're excruciatingly insensitive or just plain old dumb!

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That's horrible. My boy was 9lb 6oz and was totally adorable. People would always comment at how gorgeous he was. Shows what they know.

My mum always did this to me. Definitely didn't make me feel good about myself. Is tell her my accomplishment, and then she'd go on to say how db did so and so. Talk about seeking parents approval.

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That's horrible. My boy was 9lb 6oz and was totally adorable. People would always comment at how gorgeous he was. Shows what they know.

My mum always did this to me. Definitely didn't make me feel good about myself. Is tell her my accomplishment, and then she'd go on to say how db did so and so. Talk about seeking parents approval.

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Things we endure, right?

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Why cant people just be happy? Why the competition??

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Can I just say ......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG GGGGGHHHHHHH!

I stopped someone one day with, "yeah I died". Because her illness was soooo much worse than mine. I had a headache, she had a suspected tumor. I twisted my ankle, she tore all her ligaments and had to go into rehab. So, it transpired that this one time when I was saying what procedure I had to get done (all girly bits involved) she just kept going on and on about someone she knew who had all that but worse so I just butted in with, yeah I know, I died....

Her look was priceless, like her brain couldn't comprehend what I'd said. She paused for a bit and then continued with her story.:rolleyes:

Oh and, btw, that was my sister. When I told her I was pregnant she told me all about her friend who was pregnant - woop-de-doop, I actually don't give a rats - "congratulations Sis" would have been nice.

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Can I just say ......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG GGGGGHHHHHHH!

I stopped someone one day with, "yeah I died". Because her illness was soooo much worse than mine. I had a headache, she had a suspected tumor. I twisted my ankle, she tore all her ligaments and had to go into rehab. So, it transpired that this one time when I was saying what procedure I had to get done (all girly bits involved) she just kept going on and on about someone she knew who had all that but worse so I just butted in with, yeah I know, I died....

Her look was priceless, like her brain couldn't comprehend what I'd said. She paused for a bit and then continued with her story.:rolleyes:

Oh and, btw, that was my sister. When I told her I was pregnant she told me all about her friend who was pregnant - woop-de-doop, I actually don't give a rats - "congratulations Sis" would have been nice.

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Ha this is what I'm talking about!....you're sister doesn't live near me does she?? ;)

Haha.... she's in Melbourne.

She's been like that forever and everyone in the family knows about it, we just smile and nod.

I'm not sure how relevant this is to the one upping but the whole comparing babies thing made me think of this article that I read recently.

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The Best Advice.

At the birthday party of a ten year old girl, a group of mothers looked on anxiously while talking about their children. While the little girls danced to Taylor Swift and compared their collection of silly bands, the mothers were deep in discussion.

"How long did you breastfeed for? Was it exclusive or did you supplement with a bottle?" asked one mother.

"Was she dry at night by two, or just dry during the day? We moved to pull-ups by eighteen months" said another.

"Did she have a sippy cup or did she go straight from breast to a cup?"

It sounds unbelievable doesn't it?

That's because it is.

It never happened.

By the time your child is ten, your nipples will be safely tucked away inside your bra. If you were to pull them out at the local coffee shop it's possible you may be arrested. There will have been 964 new experts in children's sleeping patterns, and you will groan and change the channel each time they pop up on the telly to promote their new book. The aisle in the supermarket with the wet wipes and the boxes of Huggies will be a complete mystery to you.

Children will win awards at school and no-one will say "I hear she was the first in her baby group to use a straw". No-one looks at a child and says "I really like the way they walk, I bet they walked by ten months, they look like they've been doing it longer than everyone else."

The game of my child is going to turn out better than your child has ended, because everyone has realized it's irrelevant. The baby that could point to the blue blocks and stack the hoops faster than anyone else is now failing Language Arts but blitzing in Geometry. Parents have learnt that each week there will be another hurdle, maybe it will be social, perhaps it will be scholastic, we all pray it wont be medical.

Your challenges this week may involve not making the basketball squad or falling out with a best friend. You will try and stay calm while you work on fractions, listen intently to the project on sharks, and be genuinely interested while you are given the task of quizzing the religious definitions of certain aspects of Judaism. You may find yourself wiping away the tears at the orthodontist (both yours and hers), and then bursting with pride over the courage displayed while being vaccinated, again, both yours and hers.

First words, first teeth, weening and first steps are all captured in photos and video clips, their dates are immaterial.

Having four children in four different countries has meant that I have received four very different approaches when it came to parenting advice. To wrap or unwrap, to control cry or to attach, to breast-feed for at least 4, 6, 12 months or more. To circumcise, to what in the hell would you do that for? You can have one drink. You can have no drinks.

My four children, unsurprisingly, have different levels of intelligence and physical abilities depending on what it is that they are doing at the time. I would hazard a guess that none of it is related to whether they sat in a stroller or spent more time in a baby sling. The one pregnancy that I technically got everything right for, has not resulted in a child any more brilliant than another. The unplanned pregnancy, the one that didn't receive the vitamins and the forethought, is interestingly the child who is supposedly quite gifted. This could be luck, this could be life.

When I look back at everything I was told and every book that I read, one piece of advice stands clear of everything else. It came from my obstetrician in Malta. A brilliant man with the kindest heart. A man with six children of his own.

As I was packing my bag ready to leave the hospital with a brand new third little traveler, Dr Muscat walked in to my room to check on how I was and joked about how the easy bit was over. I was now heading home to three children under four. He stood over the third little traveler and looked down at him with a very sincere smile and said "you are very lucky" and then he looked in my direction. "Both of you - you are very lucky".

"Take him home and cherish him. Remember to take a moment to really look at him and love him. It is the very best thing you can do for him".

It's simple but it's true. Don't get caught in the hype, don't beat yourself up, don't over think it.

Just love them.


http://shamozal.blogspot.com.au/2012...st-advice.html

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Very true Zazou. Except for this sentence:

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The game of my child is going to turn out better than your child has ended, because everyone has realized it's irrelevant.

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It will continue on past adulthood depending on how competitive the parent is. I can remember my mum being in tears because she didn't have grandkids and all her brothers & sisters did. She now has 4. One of her friends has been comparing her child to me since we were in nappies. And still does :wall:. We are 32 & 34yo FFS.

I just ignore those comments. Smile & nod and let them win because I don't care.

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I'm not sure how relevant this is to the one upping but the whole comparing babies thing made me think of this article that I read recently.

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That is brilliant!

to be fair, I think sometimes its not that they are trying to hog the limelight, they just want to share with you, that 'yes' they do know how special / amazing / fabulous it is, and they know this because they too have shared that experience with their child. Its their way of letting you know thy understand. Because, lets face it, it is only so amazing / special / fabulous because it is YOUR child (I mean really ALL kids go through the same developmental milestones, it just happens at different times, and we notice it in different things). I don't think we can expect others to want to applaud or be excited about our child(ren) in the same way we are, but if they can understand why your are excited because they can relate to it, then that is actually a good thing.

Having said that, I do happen to know at least a few people with whom it is definitely a competitive 'one-upmanship' thing. And boy does that get my goat. So I guess you have to know the 'person' / people in question to know whether they are just trying to share and join in the excitement, or trying to lord it over you.

I like to pull the mine is worse than yours card.
Ie, my brother and sister were comparing the strength of their painkilling drugs so I said I've got a bottle of painstop (totally went over my sister''s head she told me it was S? in a pitying voice lol) or when people are comparing their broken bones I like to tell them about the time I stubbed my toe and ripped half my nail off and if you tell me how awesome Verbier is I'll be sure to mention Smiggen's Holes :p

Loved that article Zazou :)

Little_O, I think you're right that it's the attitude of the person. I reckon most of us here would do the "oh yes, I get it because I've been there" but then carry on the conversation about you. At least that's how I do it - congratulations, I get it, here's my example, how's that going for you/how are you feeling about it/etc.

I have a friend though, with no kids, who is a god parent to a little girl around 6 months older than my DD. This friend came visit once, and because she's so far away it was a whole day visit. Right away she asked how DD was doing, and almost before I'd finished the sentence she said "oh yeah, S did... *something totally unrelated*..." We then spent the rest of the day talking about her god daughter and god daughter's sister, until we eventually moved on to her love life. It was a draining day, and she really didn't care about me & DD at all!

So yeah, someone like that, where you know it's not just a conversation continuer, go ahead and pull her up on it. Good luck!