Mobile phone and internet rules

Just wanting to compare mobile phone and internet rules. DD seems to think ours are too strict, I don't.

These are ours:

Mobile phone

• We will pay for credit once a month. If credit is used before the month is up, they either have to wait or pay for it themselves
• We must have all passwords for phones and if we want to go through it, we can at any time
• No phones in bedrooms, either during the day or night. Phones are to be left on charge in family room overnight.

If any of these rules are broken we confiscate their phone.


Internet (goes for phone internet as well)

• No computer in bedrooms at any time of day or night. Computers are to be left on desk in kitchen overnight.
• We must have all passwords for FB, email etc
• Only add people they know personally to any social media account they have
• No chatting to random people

Do you think those rules are excessive?

Nope all completely normal rules. My 16yr old bro has the same ones

Sound very fair to me!

I think they are reasonable!

The only thing I think is a bit excessive is the not in the rooms - over night yeah but during the day? Why is that...

(Ps I haven't dealt with those teenage years yet mine are too young and my brothers older) so just want to know your thinking ;-)

Sounds reasonable. Do they comply with the rules? Our computer is in a study nook in the hallway and I think when they are older there options will be to use laptops/ithings/android in communal areas only. DD1 is already sneaky so Im worried about what she might get up to. DD2 tends to be the openly defiant one :rolleyes:

Im considering having a changing wifi password to restrict the girls useage when they are older (if thechnology doesn't go beyond that by then) So if they they are doing the right thing they get the passowrd, wrong thing they can use the computer as a word processor only!

How do you check they dont have other email accounts you dont know about or 2 versions of facebook? Im trying to think these things through before we get there, especially as DH is IT challenged!

You just know if they're being dodgy, Novella. It's like a 6th sense lol. They usually follow the rules but DD has had her phone taken off her and is arguing that we're too strict.

Cat, we only allow them to use the net in communal areas of the house so same goes with phone. They can go on the verandah if they're talking to someone and don't want us to hear or ring them on the house phone, which they can take into their bedroom. They mostly sms though.

Ahh the days of if you wanted to call someone you had to sit in the lounge on the fixed wall phone.. With little sisters listening in and all...

I shudder to think what it will be like for my kids.

Sorry this post had been in no way helpful.

I think your rules sound fine..the consequences are no phone, so they really don't have much choice but to follow the rules.

Just a Q, what is the going age to get a phone?

My kids got them for christmas just before they started high school.

I think they're good tinks!

Definitely don't need them at night!

I'm not there yet... But I plan to get DD a phone for high school...

I don't think I know any teens who have to leave their phones out of their rooms, but I like the idea personally. I might even use that one. I will have access to DD's fb/phone etc etc when she eventually gets them.

I I had teenage foster kids and rules were similar they were allowed phone in rooms but no calls after 830 pm and phones off at 9 pm. I never brought credit their pocket money had to pay for credit. All laptops were in communal areas. They did not have access to the wi fi either so using their phone for Internet would use too much credit so they never went on anyway. They were 13 and 14 years old and followed the rules well

No phones here yet but that's only a couple of years away. Our rules will be pretty much the same.

But as for internet (computers, laptops, ipods and ipads) it's pretty much the same although mon-fri there's also a limit of 1 hour. They come home from school do what needs to be done around the house then home work, after all that is done the timer is set for 1 hour and they can go on whatever they like swap etc but after an hour that's it for the day.

I 100% agree with not having them in rooms, day or night! If they can't do it in a common area more than likely they shouldn't be doing it at all.

We're having issues with DS too and the whole "but my friends get to do xyz" it's starting to do my head in!

So she has no opportunity for any privacy? What are you trying to teach her with the rules you have in place? Where is the room for her to exercise her own judgment - is there a space for her to bad choices, good and bad, with the freedom to know that you will be there to teach and guide her rather than just punish her?

If I were in her shoes, I would rather you just took the phone away altogether - you seem to not trust her with it anyway, so why continue to set her up to fail?

:dunno: I don't have teens yet, but I do very clearly remember being a 14 year old girl. And I thank my parents for giving me the space and freedom to make choices - good and bad - and for giving me the respect of not treating me like a child.

We were allowed to use computers in private, we certainly were never asked to give passwords to email accounts. We didn't have FB, but we did have chatrooms and we were trusted to use those without someone looking over our shoulders as well. I would have been outraged if my mother asked me for my email passwords, or to check the messages on my phone! Seriously, the thought outrages me still.
Trying to find your own place in the world is hard, and harder when your parent don't even trust you enough to know that you will make mistakes and you will make some bad choices, but they know you are a good person and they have taught you well.


Just my :twocents:

I would be doing the same as you Tinks. These days with fb and cyber bullying its better to avoid the late nights fitting on the computer. It's very different to when we grew up when it was just the TV in our rooms. There has been a lot of media coverage lately about kids using their phones and I have a friend whose daughter was messaging dark thoughts etc and started self harming once they took the phone away and started talking it has stopped. Just because you know the passwords doesn't mean you will look either. Although my kids are little dh runs an IT business so we talk about it all the time and our rules will be similar.

These rules sound perfectly fine to me, we are very similar here too but the boys do have their phones with them during the night.

Regards,
Dianne

Just wanting to compare mobile phone and internet rules. DD seems to think ours are too strict, I don't.

These are ours:

Mobile phone

• We will pay for credit once a month. If credit is used before the month is up, they either have to wait or pay for it themselves FAIR
• We must have all passwords for phones and if we want to go through it, we can at any time Nope. I think this is a little OTT. Whilst I didn't have a computer growing up .....don't think they were invented :rofl: but I did have a diary. I still have it. In fact some of things I wrote would have made my mother's toes curl (as would the notes we passed around class). Did she ever snoop at my stuff. No.
• No phones in bedrooms, either during the day or night. Phones are to be left on charge in family room overnight. Depends on their age. DS1 17 uses his phone as his alarm to get up in the morning. DSD 14, when she was staying with us, gave us her phone at night, due to her gettting phonecalls from her brother in the middle of the night.

If any of these rules are broken we confiscate their phone.


Internet (goes for phone internet as well)

• No computer in bedrooms at any time of day or night. Computers are to be left on desk in kitchen overnight. That would be like my mum telling me I couldn't read my books or write in my diary at night. DS1 studies in his room and, well without his laptop ... DSD had her laptop in her room when she was staying with us. She used hers to play games. I do however, insist that they don't leave their laptops chargng overnight - you'd be surprised how big a difference it makes to your electricity bill
• We must have all passwords for FB, email etc Nope. I am friends with my kids. If they block me or restrict what I can see then we have a chat.
• Only add people they know personally to any social media account they have That's a given. If I don't know who someone is who's made a comment (particularly in DSD's case as there have been issues) I will ask who they are.
• No chatting to random people As above

Do you think those rules are excessive?

While rules are good, I think that you also need to give your children some freedom to use their own commonsense.

I would say, instead of taking the phone away at night, no using the phone at night after XXpm. If they betray that trust then the phone is taken away at night for X period of time. Same goes with the computer.

If you want your kids to trust you (and your judgement) then you have to trust them as well.

They do have the privacy to use SMS though don't they?

To me the parent has the ability to read the messages etc, but wouldn't exercise that unless given need to? Am I on the right track here?

I agree LS you do need to trust your children, but they don't need the phone/computer in their rooms at night. That's asking for problems. The reality is if they have the phone/computer in their rooms it will be used.

If they have earned the trust to use their phones/computers responsibly I wouldn't be checking them. They would know I could, but I'm not because I trust them. If they give reason to check they would be completely aware of why.

Unfortunately we live in times where we have to monitor. It's just striking the balance.

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I agree LS you do need to trust your children, but they don't need the phone/computer in their rooms at night. That's asking for problems. The reality is if they have the phone/computer in their rooms it will be used.

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I disagree. When DS1 says he's going to bed,he does just that. He switches his phone to airplane mode (so he can still use it as an alarm but it stops unwanted calls/sms throughout the night) and turns off his laptop. He's been like this since he first had a phone at 14.

Do I check that he's done this? No I don't. I don't feel the need to. He tells me that this is what he does and I believe him.

When I told my stepdaughter it was time to get some sleep and to shutdown her computer she did just that. It was her choice to give us her phone at night because her brother was calling and friends were sending through text messages.

I use the same motto on my kids that my mother used for me: if you can't do it in front of me then it must be wrong. In other words, if you have to hide and don't want me to find out, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

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Just wanting to compare mobile phone and internet rules. DD seems to think ours are too strict, I don't.

These are ours:

Mobile phone

• We will pay for credit once a month. If credit is used before the month is up, they either have to wait or pay for it themselves FAIR
• We must have all passwords for phones and if we want to go through it, we can at any time Nope. I think this is a little OTT. Whilst I didn't have a computer growing up .....don't think they were invented :rofl: but I did have a diary. I still have it. In fact some of things I wrote would have made my mother's toes curl (as would the notes we passed around class). Did she ever snoop at my stuff. No.
• No phones in bedrooms, either during the day or night. Phones are to be left on charge in family room overnight. Depends on their age. DS1 17 uses his phone as his alarm to get up in the morning. DSD 14, when she was staying with us, gave us her phone at night, due to her gettting phonecalls from her brother in the middle of the night.

If any of these rules are broken we confiscate their phone.


Internet (goes for phone internet as well)

• No computer in bedrooms at any time of day or night. Computers are to be left on desk in kitchen overnight. That would be like my mum telling me I couldn't read my books or write in my diary at night. DS1 studies in his room and, well without his laptop ... DSD had her laptop in her room when she was staying with us. She used hers to play games. I do however, insist that they don't leave their laptops chargng overnight - you'd be surprised how big a difference it makes to your electricity bill
• We must have all passwords for FB, email etc Nope. I am friends with my kids. If they block me or restrict what I can see then we have a chat.
• Only add people they know personally to any social media account they have That's a given. If I don't know who someone is who's made a comment (particularly in DSD's case as there have been issues) I will ask who they are.
• No chatting to random people As above

Do you think those rules are excessive?

While rules are good, I think that you also need to give your children some freedom to use their own commonsense.

I would say, instead of taking the phone away at night, no using the phone at night after XXpm. If they betray that trust then the phone is taken away at night for X period of time. Same goes with the computer.

If you want your kids to trust you (and your judgement) then you have to trust them as well.

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The way I see it though, it's the Internet that's the issue more so than the computer. The computer sure is needed for study etc, but the Internet is why it has to be out in the open. Lets face it, back in the good ok days of msn, I used to be on msn and studying year 12....not smart, and was potentially dangerous.

To me a diary is completely different. Did you publicize your diary, print it for the world to see? Diaries were private, not like Facebook.

I agree though I wanted that element of independence and there is no way I would want my mum going through my stuff as a teenager. However I always knew she could if she had to.

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I use the same motto on my kids that my mother used for me: if you can't do it in front of me then it must be wrong. In other words, if you have to hide and don't want me to find out, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

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This is what I am referring to. Your ds is still abiding to the rule because he's not using it per-say. If he's going to lie to you, there are bigger problems. You should be able to trust them.

If they aren't using it for an alarm though, why do they need the phone?

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The way I see it though, it's the Internet that's the issue more so than the computer. The computer sure is needed for study etc, but the Internet is why it has to be out in the open. Lets face it, back in the good ok days of msn, I used to be on msn and studying year 12....not smart, and was potentially dangerous.

To me a diary is completely different. Did you publicize your diary, print it for the world to see? Diaries were private, not like Facebook.

I agree though I wanted that element of independence and there is no way I would want my mum going through my stuff as a teenager. However I always knew she could if she had to.

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I shall agree to disagree. Clearly we have differing views. I have no trust issues with my son and hope that it remains that way.

Of course I respect their privacy. We don't go racing to their phones and read all their messages, log onto their fb etc every night when they go to bed. In fact, I've gone through DD's phone twice ever and if you'd like to know the reasons behind that, you're welcome to PM me Lime.

I think your rules are fine Tinks. Trust is earned and there are consequences to actions, if you break the rules, then you pay the price.

Growing up we had a computer from when I was 9 BUT off course no internet then, but even when we did have internet was still superivised access and computer was always in communal area and mum and dad would regularly check what we were doing. Even in year 12 and when at uni and home for weekends was the same. There view was if everything was ok was no need for us to hide things from them. Even in chat rooms they would be often sitting there, to be honest didnt fuss me mainly occasionally could be embarrasing but oh well.

I wasn't having a go, Tinks, just offering a different perspective is all.

Personally, the way I was going to deal with kids & study etc was to buy a desk top computer. I have a lap top, but I want a desk top for the kids. They can have net access, but I can stop that at any time.
I agree that a diary & the net are very different. You don't get creepy men pretending to be 15 year old boys in a diary. You don't accidentally let out your address or party details to the whole high school/town in your diary. The Internet IS a dangerous place & I will not be risking my kids safety for trust & dd1 is already understanding this.

Just wondering if the monthly bill shows times of calls or texts? I would rather give my kids the phone and ask they observe the rules and then have a way of checking. I use my phone for reading, as a calendar, alarm and clock. I also browse BB through the night when I can't sleep. I don't see this as a problem, and I believe it's more important to teach your kids about appropriate use if the device and then monitor it rather than restricting the device. I would consider a filter for porn though because I think it is inappropriate that extreme porn is so accessible.

I've always thought that their moby's (when the time comes) will be switched off and handed over at 8:00 every night, and no computers in their rooms.
The way I see it, no one has access to them after that time.