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there, I said it. I am not as good at this as I would like to be.
Do I mean parenting or gentle parenting? Well, both.
I feel like I am just getting it all wrong at the moment, and then not coping with getting it wrong.
Do any of you ever lose it? I mean, everyone's posts here sound so perfect.
I just want to hear from someone who DOES make mistakes, loses it, does the occasional rant, whatever.
I'd like to read some mistakes please, just so I don't feel so alone right now.
Same here. There are many things I would like to do better and some days I just can't seem to manage to be the mother I would like to be.
Yep! heaps of mistakes, i lose it. i do my narna some days. but i keep trying.:
hang in there, it's a tough job.
You can only make mistakes to learn new things.
Just last week I had my 11 year old remind me that shouting to get my 7 year old to clean up was not effective.
I make mistakes all the time. I don't see it as failure though. With every step there is new challenges and just when you think you've broken a barrier a new one pops up. A new challenge for them and a new challenge for you. You only fail when you don't care. Or stop trying. But having a mummy meltdown or feeling lost is not failing. The fact you've posted in here says you aren't failing at all.
My kids are a lot older now. And at school every day so my challenges are smaller. And different. I don't have many problems with behaviour anymore. Education, socialising and teaching my tween how to be a an awesome person through the day to day struggles she faces emotionally and hormonal are my challenges.
I know just as soon as I get lulled onto a false sense of security BAM something will shake me and reassure me I don't have everything under control. I think my view of parenting has changed in the way that I don't think "If only I could get this under control, then things will be better" I think I've learnt that isn't the case. And instead I roll with the punches. Sometimes it's too much but I know there are plenty if people going through the same thing. And I'm not afraid to get advice or even just vent to get through.
No one has it perfect. And on the other side sometimes when you do post the positive it's hard to then post the troubles because I know in my situation I find I get fobbed off with the unrealistic view that my life is perfect, or my children are for that matter so I have no right to complain. Which is not at all helpful. So I find now I often talk about my struggles with my closest friends because I won't receive that type of reaction. I also appreciate constructive feedback and don't see much benefit from cyber hugs. So I tend to offer more advice and understanding to others because its what I want. And even those who have offered me the best advice have been through hell and back on their own parenting journey. But there's a notion that if you can offer advice you must have it all together. And that isn't always the case and often as I said leads to less sharing of the tough stuff because you feel like you don't have a right to be struggling.
Anyone who is a perfect parent - gentle or otherwise - is a liar or deluded.
Gentle parenting is an idealogy. An idealogy is an ideal. It's something you strive for, not something that you are going to a chieve 100% of the time.
Don't be hard on yourself. You are not perfect, but neither is anyone else, regardless of their posts.
Well said. And try and remember that unless someone comes out and says they are a perfect parent chances are they aren't trying to give that impression. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't.
Milly, I feel like that pretty much all the time. Read some of the posts I've started, you'll soon feel like a better parent lol. I love the little pic going around on FB saying "I just watched hoarders. My house suddenly looks so much cleaner" or something along those lines. I try to keep that in mind when I feel like I'm not coping as a parent. My kids are happy, healthy, well-fed, clothed, have clean beds and a relatively clean roof over their heads, they haven't been taken away by DOCS. I must be getting something right. Right?!
You are so not alone in how you're feeling :hug:
I was actually chatting to my husband about this last night. I said that I go to bed nearly every night lately feeling like I have failed, that I am not the mother my boys deserve. When he asked me to name what I have done that is so awful...I really couldn't think of much! I said that I yelled when this happened or I was feeling really frustrated that I couldn't have 5 minutes peace and quiet and it was making me grumpy...nothing so terrible that I should feel so bad at least.
As for perfection, well today I was trying to paint something I am working on for my boys (turning a tv unit into a play kitchen) and wouldn't let my 3.5 year old 'help' paint. Part of me felt terrible that I didn't take the opportunity to make it fun for him but I also know that I had very limited time while his brother was napping! I still feel bad about it though.
I know myself that my feelings of failure come from my own childhood and overcoming that every day is a challenge. I need to lower my sky high expectations and concentrate on what I am doing right. And that is something that I have only come to realise recently.
:hug: I'm sure your girls think you're amazing.
I dropped my iphone on the baby's head last week while he was BFing because I was so wrapped up in a bellybelly forum thread. The pointy corner hit him. He screamed for 15 minutes.
I stayed up until 11 the other night (stupid) and slept in when DD7 had a sleepover friend. they trashed the kitchen. I mean- attempted cooking kinda trashed. It was crazy and there was stuff in the sink I didn't recognize. I cleaned it up for them without saying anything in the vain hope the sleepover kid wouldn't tell her mum about the lazy mum who didn't get out of bed with the baby til ten.
I left the old broken faulty dryer on yesterday afternoon while I did the school run. I weighed up the risk and reward and decided I'd rather the house burn down from the dryer sparking than DD7 lose her **** at 8:25 because her school uniform was wet. You'll be happy to know nothing caught alight.
I bought DD7 dinner from maccas last night because I forgot it was girl guides night and barely made it. She left all the nuggets and I ate them for my own dinner (so hungry all the time from BFing!) then told her after guides nuggets will get poisonous if you don't eat them straight away. She cried because I'd eaten her dinner so I went BACK to McDs on the way home (she decided she wasn't actually hungry and wanted a chocolate sundae instead.)
Hope that makes you feel like you're not alone. I tried to keep this a list of my most recent parenting errors ONLY. (Last two weeks.) I could type all day but only have 7% battery.
All the time, you're certainly not alone :hug: As N2L says, anyone who says otherwise is straight out lying.
Thanks ladies, I really appreciated your posts.
Thanks, I REALLY, REALLY appreciated your posts!!
Especially the "confessions" - there aren't enough of those on here!
I just felt so awful for getting so upset with both DDs.
This was my big trigger: I am so tired at the moment.
DD2 is going through a clingy thing at the moment - wants to only sleep with me.
DD1 is going through a jealous thing at the moment - wants to be cuddled by me, but only when DD2 is being BF or put down for a sleep, at other times she doesn't want a bar of me!
I just NEEDED DD2 to go to sleep, and she just WOULDN'T go, and just as I'd get DD2 settled, DD1 would throw a tantrum (mainly because I was with DD2) and wake her, so I had to go back and get DD2 settled, just to have DD1 do something to wake her up again, and then meanwhile throw another attention seeking tantrum because I was not spending enough time with her!!!
And I lost it. Big time. Nuff said.
Yanno, there is a good reason the military and intelligence agencies use sleep deprivation as a method to break the will of enemy captives ;)
Personally I think they should just put them in charge of a couple of infants/toddlers going through 'stages'.
What I get from your confession is that you are a human being just like the rest of us.
I definitely make mistakes and get frustrated at times! Kids can be ridiculously frustrating and stubborn. Very stubborn.
But I certainly don't expect my kids to be perfect so I try not to expect myself to be. I'm also starting to realise my kids don't need me to be either. Just last week I was having a not so great afternoon and my eldest came over and said "never be sad mummy coz I love you even when you make mistakes". So if I make a mistake, I just acknowledge it, apologize if applicable and move forward, forever trying and learning. I think messing up can actually be a great opportunity to demonstrate to your child where to go from there.
At least half of the time I take my kids outside is because I know it will keep them distracted enough to let me sit and have a breather.
That is such a hard time, dealing with the jealousy especially at that age. :hug:
Confessions - I hide in the toilet with the door locked & the kids screaming at me just outside the door just for a moment of "hands off mumy" time.
DS gets blasted over something minor even though he is being mostly good, just because I can't cope with DD being a normal 2yo :(
ABC Kids is on TV A LOT in our house.
I've sworn at DD. Before DS was born, I never swore. Then I swore a little bit. Now I'm a regular potty mouth. I hate it.
I swear at DD when it's 3 am and she thinks it's play time.
I make DS share his toys with DD but insist he give hers back because she cries louder :hide:
I run away when the kids start fighting over who gets to cuddle mummy. I just don't want to cuddle whinging kids.
I have put DS in timeout for whinging & left him there for longer than 4 minutes, just because I need to.
I hate kids craft with a passion. So they get to do it about once a year, when I feel like I should. Then I remember why I hate it so much. Lucky they go to kindy.
My cakes are packet mixes. *runs & hides from the perfect mums out there that bake layered rainbow cakes (nothing wrong with that if you can do it lol!)
Hehe you should so come and check out my parenting - you would feel like a bloomin' rock star!
I'm not perfect and I don't ever pretend to be. Those who are my friend on Facebook know this and I don't want to ever be one of those mums who pretend to be coping when their not - what kind of bull**** pressure must that be to live up to?
I'm not an instinctual mother. I swear. Ffs is a common phrase in this house. As is "what the hell is wrong with you guys, you're all acting like psychos" because at that time they really are!
Being a mum is hard enough without worrying about if you are doing it well enough. I'm totally over the comparisons between mothering styles. Would a perfect mother parent my children differently than I do? Probably but who knows? 4 kids 6 and under is really hard, got my terrible two, my threenager, argumentative 4 and bratty 6 year old. My neighbours would hear me yelling, but that's OK cos I hear them yelling at their kids too.
I could list everything that I've done wrong today but my fingers would get sore because I'm on my phone. You are welcome to look me up on Facebook though if you'd feel better having a friend doing it worse than you ;)
Right now, my one year old is watching Hi-5 so I can get some work done (and here I am on BB...).
My seven year old talks A LOT. Like constantly. I tune out just so that I don't tell her to be quiet! The best thing about her being back at school is that I can drive in the car with only the radio to listen to. She also seems to start talking when I'm trying to tell her something, which means she often forgets what I've asked her to do, or told her. The other day she asked me a question and literally two mins later repeated the same question because she'd clearly drifted away while I was answering her!
So yes, I get frustrated. I hear the nag in my voice talking to DD1 and feel bad. We say prayers together at her bedtime and one of the parts of that is to say sorry for anything we've done wrong during the day. I seem to always have a sorry for getting cross with her, or yelling at her, or nagging her.
And I don't have enough time to get everything done so I feel like I'm still half a dozen jobs behind at the end of every day. A to do list would just depress me.
And I so hear you on the waking the baby thing. Honestly, I swear DD1 and DP have lead in their feet the way they stomp down the stairs when I'm trying to settle DD2. Or they come up chattering away with no regard for the same thing! Does my head in! I feel like making them put DD2 to sleep for an hour when she's having trouble falling asleep.
I'm weighing in too, this is fun :)
DS1 is happily scoffing into last night's risotto. DS2 is refusing to eat said risotto, and I'll contemplating letting him just have the bl**dy chocolate to get some peace & quiet. I always buy him sushi rolls at the shopping centre, otherwise he screams about wanting them and it's embarrassing. I let him have a jam sandwich at lunchtime, just to get him to eat something.... I'm contemplating buying white bread for DS1's school sandwiches instead of wholegrain, because he really really doesn't like wholegrain and only eats the smallest bit. If I use whitebread he'll probably eat the whole sandwich. I should just stick it out because maybe by year 12 he'll have resigned himself to wholegrain.
I tape Octonauts just in case we miss it & I need a back up "good mum" moment. I use TV way more than I every wanted to, even though I know they get over "needing" it and play better if they don't have it on too much. I hide the remotes before school though, so that's maybe one tick in favour of good parenting.
I don't clean DS2's teeth nearly enough. I have a nasty suspicion that he's got the start of tooth decay on one of the upper ones. This is really really really bad parenting and I think I'm going to feel guilty about this for the rest of my life.
I bed-share with both boys because it's the only way the household gets a good night's sleep & I can't even begin to contemplate the hours of night-time effort to break this habit. Path of least resistance.
I yell way more than I ever thought I would. Because I'm sick of being ignored in favour of tv. I must also swear sometimes (not that often!), because the exact same expressions get said back to me. I laugh when this happens, although I do try to explain that it's really not nice to use bad language.
When they disappear from me in a shopping centre or a supermarket, sometimes I kind of hope that they'll really get lost, just enough to get upset & worried, so that they maybe learn a lesson. Because I'm sick of nagging them about sticking close. I hate going shopping with them both at the same time these days, it's just hard work.
But for all the less than perfect parenting, I also know that I love them with every fibre, and I know that they know they are loved, and they're ultimately happy kids. So for all the rubbish, I'm probably doing a few things right along the way. And kids are very forgiving & understanding :)
I wish I was the parent I dreamed I would be, but alas not in our household.
I currently refer to myself as the 'Screaming Banshee', as it seems I spend most of my day yelling to
a: Get the attention of Miss 3 1/2 yr old who zones out when I need her to do something ie: get dressed in the morning
b: Telling the twins off for trashing my kitchen (this means helping themselves to whatever food they can find and then throwing the rest all over the floor
c: Trying to get Miss 3 1/2 to stop with the constant interrogations, whinging, whining, sulky and general 'doing my head in'
and I'm sure there are more that I could add but I've just cooked dinner and like very night, try to serve them up good food which ends up on the floor so my brain is fryed for the day...
Gosh just by admitting you are not the perfect gentle parent makes you pretty amazing.
I more often than not start feeding DS something 'Healthy' & something he can feed himself, when he dislikes it, throws it on the floor, rubs all over his face and hair I more often than not resort to puréed stuff just to make sure he is eating, at dinner his main source of nutrition comes from soy ice cream :hide:
I get to the point most days when going to the park means I have 2 minutes when he is not all over me.
I have resorted to putting him in his high chair and having him sit with me in the bathroom so I don't have to listen to his crying when I am gone for 30 secs.
I roll over and pretend I am dead asleep some nights when he wakes up for the 3rd or fourth time and make sure I kick dh so he knows its his turn, even though I know that DS settles faster and easier with me.
That's just the last 24 hours, so I hear you on the less than perfect thing ;)
Ugh. "perfect" parents. I wrote a blog post once about what I think of them. basically, if there is really someone out there that really gets it "right" all the time, imagine how boring their life must be... not to mention that all people learn best from their mistakes, so a parent that sometimes does things wrong and is then honest and open with their children about it is imo a "better" parent than someone who gets it right all the time... if for no other reason than seeing parents lost it sometimes teaches children that it is okay to make mistakes and that it is normal to lose it sometimes, etc...
I've lost it a few times. I even hit DD a couple of times (once just because she was generally annoying me, and not even for anything specific). DD is currently going through a phase where she talks ALL the time and asks me to do things for her all the time (things that she is able to do herself), especially if I am attending to DS... I try not to lash out, but it is so frustrating... Grrr. I then feel bad that I don't enjoy spending time with her... It's hard...
I have to say it goes in stages for me. Some weeks everything works and I feel pretty on top of things, but I've had some shockers.
Sleep deprivation turns me into banshee woman. In a rage one time I stormed off to lock myself in the toilet, tripped on the potty do kicked the potty and it got wedged in the wall! Yep about a foot off the floor and through the plaster. I had to patch and sand it before Dh saw it lol!
Each moment is just a breath way from bliss or hell. I try and reminder that when I feel down, but also when things are cruisey, because it only takes a second for everything to unravel.
Parenting is damage control so much of the time, it can get you down.
There are also the people who talk about their children/relationship/life in glowing terms all the time but never offer up the flip side. This doesn't mean there isn't a flip side but they don't share it because they are desperate (whether consciously or subconciously) to foster the illusion of perfection or superiority - both to themselves and others. Usually they are masking a deep seated inferiority or insecurity. When you come across those people, don't feel jealous, feel sorry for them. They have issues.
Or you know, reach out to them!
Yeah, but you're nicer than me. I'm old and jaded ;):
Watch out, I'm gunna catch you with my warm fuzzy feel good hugs!:
ETA: probably should include some hugs here :hug: :hug:
:o:
Don't worry, I don't actually reach out to people or give them hugs. I'm socially inept. And I actually see visible bubbles around people and respect them implicitly. I'm totally one of those issues people.
Ladies, I'm really loving these posts (is that a terrible thing to say?) some of them had me in stitches laughing, just what I needed after today..... Yep, the whole day has been one of "those" days, but I just gave in to it in the afternoon.... We ate biscuits, not fruit, and watched TV & DVDs, and ate left-overs for dinner.
Keep 'em coming, the laughs have been really good :)
This. Exactly.:
Tonight I shouted so loudly at DD1 (to stop shouting at her sister) that I put my back out!
My friend who works for DOCS told me she actually reckons the ones who claim their children are perfect all the time are more suss than anyone else. This in response to my post on facebook saying i was going to post my daughter down to her grandmother in a box (i did say i would put airholes in it) :)
I had an operation last week and my kids have been barely eating any vegetables. I can't complain because DH has been looking after them. He even bought milo muesli type bars AND milo custards for school lunches. The kids have been loving Daddy's cooking though.
My DD2 watches Harry Potter every single night when going to bed. It is the only way we can get her to stay in her bedroom.
I told DS2 that I was going to throw every single one of his matchbox cars into the bin because I'm tired of seeing them on the floor, and he started to cry!
I told my DD2 if she won't let me brush her hair that she will have to get her hair cut like her brothers hair. That lead to a complete screaming fit.
DH & I stood waiting outside of the car today whilst the kids were screaming in their car seats whilst parked in the garage. Both of us refused to get in the car whilst the headache inducing screaming was going on.
When DD2 was screaming in her room tonight (if you haven't realised yet, my DD2 is horrid right now) DH & I were in our room laughing about the things we'd like to say, such as bursting into the room and saying "Please just STFU!!!" Lol.
:lol: I did something similar a couple years ago. I threw a tanty :redface: in the laundry & threw the napisan tub at the door. It hit the doorframe, the lid came off and napisan went EVERYWHERE! I still haven't cleaned it all up :hide: Well it's all through the cupboard where the games & puzzles are kept and we never use them - who has time for that?! A few weeks later I noticed a big crack in the paint work right where I threw the napisan. DH put it down to movement in the house :lol: I have no idea what that tanty was about. Probably DS just being a 2yo.:
I sooo could of written this post :lol::
I do like a good storm off when i have my cranky pants on :D
I think that one of the most important things to realise is this: that we are striving to be gentle parents and raise our children with gentleness (which in my thinking is to also raise them knowing that they are FULL humans, they enjoy the same rights as myself and any other human on this planet). I think actually that as gentle parenters our children see us more accurately for what we are: normal human beings that are trying our very best to raise them with integrity and confidence. One thing i love about the freedom that gentle parenting gives is the freedom to admit mistakes! this idea that the parent is never wrong and you *must* keep going despite realising you are in the wrong was the easiest thing to ditch for me. it has made me a MUCH better parent for it...not a perfect parent.
your kids will see you for all your colours. but the important thing is that those moments of not coping are fleeting and when things do get better they get really better: with a gentle parent who has open arms and an open heart and the ability to admit that they acted cray cray and are sorry for it ITMS.
I would like to point out that parents who do not gentle parent also crack it. but aftewards? when all the 'cracking it' is over...what then? it's the essence, it's what is at the heart of our parenting style that will stand the true test of time.
Oh Cassius *smooch*
Words of wisdom m'love. Couldn't have said it better myself.
Oh! I love catching up with girlfriends & having a giggle at each others "poor" parenting skills! We love our kids, our kids love us but sometimes we don't like our kids very much & that's ok - we are human. I think it's important for kids to know when they're pushing it because it teaches them that they need to respect people's feelings & to also read body language.
My favourite story that makes me laugh is the time I ran a deep bath, grabbed a book, a glass & a bottle of wine & locked myself in the bathroom. My daughter was about 7 or 8 at the time & I heard the door handle rattle then "mum? Mum?" Sigh "yes dear?" "Mum, I can't get in, I think the doors locked" "yep! (Evil grin) it is, I locked it" "but whhyyy?" "Because you're driving my up the bloody wall & I need peace & quiet so off you go, leave me alone"
I felt terribly guilty after I had had my time out but I explained to her that sometimes mums just need time to themselves.
Another ANNOYING thing she does is whenever there's a song or program on the radio that I really want to listen too you can guarantee that's when she wants to tell me something important - it takes a lot of self control to not just turn the volume up!
this thread is giving me the warm & fuzzies - it's really comforting to read about other people having the same kind of issues. And sometimes laugh-out-loud funny.
Off to be good mum now though - DS1 & I are going to play some wii before we pick up DS2 from daycare. Quality time :ROFL:
Bad mummy here today - started off being reasonably '"good", made blueberry muffins with the three girls after dropping DS off at school, has slowly gone downhill from there.
Total mummy meltdown in the car when DS hit DD1 in the belly for something ridiculously stupid, so mummy let fly with a few choice words and mentioned kids starving in africa and kids in our suburb that don't have enough to eat or a safe place to sleep at night, and he's getting all aggressive over his sister singing the wrong words to a yo gabba gabba song. Told him to get some perspective. Too much for a 6 year old?
Totally over their fights over stupid crap - I just want them to walk away if someone says something they know isn't true, instead of getting all aggressive and huffy and coming to me and complaining. Today is one of those days where I want to just go back to having one child so they can't argue with anyone!
This!! You aren't a poo-poo. You know it and I know it. I don't want to hear about it, just ignore it and walk away!:
Tonight I can't be bothered cooking tea so I am frying up a bag of frozen chips. Potatoes count as veges don't they?