My early loss - a few questions

Deep breath. I have some questions but I hope you don't mind, I also just want to express my thoughts.

I've lost my innocence. I never thought I'd be writing in here. I just had an early miscarriage and until now my biggest worry was that it would take ages to conceive a sibling for DD as she was the product of a long time TCC. I didn't expect to fall pregnant only four months after my breast feeding cycles became regular again only to lose it.

I'm not sure I'm allowed to feel so upset because I wasn't far along. In fact I don't like saying how far along I was for that reason. But I will because it was still a real pregnancy and I just bled out real human (or pre-human) tissue. I was only 4 weeks 2 days but this bubba implanted very early as I was over the moon to test positive with a hpt only 8 days past ovulation. And my dates weren't out. So I was testing almost every day and getting proper positives (they were definitely getting darker overall though some days were lighter) for days for seven days in a row. AF due date came and went. On the morning of 14 dpo (Thursday, one day after AF was due) I got a quick pregnant 1-2 weeks with a Clearblue digital. I felt relaxed and I was secretly proud of this poppy sized bubba because he implanted so early! He must be eager, he must be strong.

Then Friday morning I wiped after the toilet and there was a tiny bit of blood. Pink and watery. Of course I freaked out but was hopeful. My baby implanted over a week ago, he must be well and truly comfortable now! But I couldn't go to a doctor (I hadn't even been to confirm the pregnancy yet) because we had to catch a plane to the other side of the country for a wedding in a tiny town. On the plane my bleeding increased and I cramped a little bit. By that night my cramps were too uncomfortable to ignore and I was bleeding like a normal period. I knew what was happening as usually my period cramps are only slight and this, while not overtly 'painful' was highly uncomfortable. My uterus and lower back felt tense and heavy like someone had hung heavy, heavy weights from them. The next morning I saw bits of what must have been the embryo (pre-embryo? What stage is the egg at by 4 weeks 2 days?) as it looked like real matter, not just clotty blood. By Sunday afternoon the slate had been wiped clean already- not even a shadow of a line on my hpt.

So it was a real life already- I saw the evidence in my blood. But I have a question- if baby implanted so early (it must have been 5-6 dpo to get a positive the night of 8dpo) and I was getting good positives for 7 days, then what happened? Is it still a chemical pregnancy at 4 weeks 2 days? Is it still a chemical if I'm pregnant and testing positive for 7 days? Baby definitely implanted.

I'm still interstate. It's ironic- I'm with family but I can't share what happened. My parents are so joyous to see us and spend time with their littlest granddaughter that I don't want them to fret. They have a lot on their plate with my brother anyway, that's a whole other story. And I'm here for a wedding, the morning after 'the miscarriage' I went to a wedding and tried to control my tears as the sublime happiness and palpable love of the couple but so bittersweet to me. Oh what it means to be human- divine love and happiness, excruciating heartache.

I haven't even been to a doctor because I'm not in pain anymore and my hpt is clear already. Besides I'm on the other side of the country. It's like it never happened.

Hi Ladylove. I'm sorry you're going through this. A pregnancy loss before a heartbeat could be detected is called a bio-chemical pregnancy. I had one last year. It's hard when you get your hopes up and things dont work out as dreamed.

this may not be a comfort for you, but helped me to know that an early loss meant Mother Mature was doing her job. It meant there was something wrong with the egg, sperm or both.

No advice, but some big squishy hugs for you x

I'm sorry :hug:

Especially hard with being so far from home. There aren't any real concrete answers. Like L&B said, there was no doubt, just something not quite right that prevented bubs from being able to continue.

You were pregnant, that is real and you have experienced a loss - I wouldnt really focus on a name for it (I find the term chemical pregnancy really....cold...but that is just me maybe!).

It is reassuring that your body has worked so beautifully to pass what was there so well and with such conclusivity (in that the HPT showed up negative so soon after). It is hard seeing that test after it has all happened but there is also something reassuring that you have managed to let this baby pass without intrusion ITMS.

Much love LL :hug:

Sorry you are going through this. As L&B said, you get your hopes up to have it fizzle to nothing. It's so disappointing :(

Implantation normally occurs around day 6 or 7 and sensitive HPTs will pick up a pg at 8 days, so you were right on track there. The embryo is so tiny at 4 weeks that you wouldn't be able to really see it so what you saw would most likely be uterine lining. Your period would be heavier due to the extra progesterone your body would have started producing in preparation for a pregnancy.

A chemical pregnancy is very normal, although upsetting, and most women have a few throughout their lives without even realizing.

I hope you get your sticky baby soon x

Hi honey... huge hugs to you hun.

I'm so very upset to read of your early loss. I was following your journey, wishing for a different outcome for you.

You are allowed to feel upset. You are grieving the loss of a life you were growing inside. No matter how far along. Once you see those two lines on a pregnancy test, it's unbelievable how attached you actually get :-( Give yourself plenty of time, let your emotions out (good or bad) and know that you will feel better in time, but you will never ever truly let it go. You'll always think of what could of been.

I'm so sorry. :-(

I know how common chemical/early losses are, I think most people don't think about that until they experience it.

The ironic thing is, Victoria is my home state. So it should be comforting that it all happened while i was back as I'm surrounded by family. But I feel so adrift.

L&B yes it does give me comfort that it was meant to happen. Oddly enough driving from the airport to our wedding town I felt really calm- I knew what was about to happen/had started happening and something about the beautiful late Autumn landscape made me understand the rhythms of the universe. But once it HAS happened, once it's final, it feels more raw.

Also I'm annoyed at my husband. He is usually the most sensitive, emotionally in tune man but he doesn't get it at all. I feel like he thinks I brought on the angst myself by testing so early. A whole week to get excited about it. He thinks I shouldn't test until after AF is late. But AF was late because I was pregnant and what's the difference between two days and a week, or more, when you know you've created life. Then the night after I lost the baby he went out to a post wedding party, which is fine because it was one of his dearest friends that was married, but instead of staying out a few hours then coming back he stayed out until after midnight, didn't answer my messages for an hour, got really drunk then walked back to the hotel from the farm where the party was, with a strained knee and grazes. I was still so hormonal and I was lying in bed silently screaming I hate you for leaving me here! Of course I don't hate him, he is actually a scientist so no doubt he is focussing on the science of the pregnancy- too early to mourn even though I know he must be disappointed too, he really wants this too.

So yeah, I know it's meant to be and that does give peace. I'm sad but accepting I guess.

I too am really sorry for your loss. Like PP said as soon as you see those two lines its unbelievable how attached you get even if only for a short time. I am going through the same thing at the moment. Originally with my history it was thought my pregnancy was ectopic as I had slow rising BHCG but with decreasing HCG now the Gynea has put it down to a bio-chemical pregnancy.

Huge hugs hun. Doesn't matter that it was an early loss, doesn't mean you hadn't already built hopes and dreams the minute you saw those two lines. Be kind to yourself, you are allowed to be sad.

Oh Ladylove, I am so sorry :hug: I can relate to your anguish - even the point of resenting your husband. (A few weeks ago when I experienced my loss I wanted to yell hurtful things to my DP because I was in pain & he wasn't there due to being stuck at work) Try to not bottle up your feelings (hard I know when your family do not know what's going on) venting is healthy. Asking "Why me?" is healthy & normal. But nothing takes the pain away of losing something that means so much to us except allowing ourselves time to grieve & heal.

Everyone has already said what I think so I'm just leaving you with another :hug: xxx

I can't offer any further advice, the girls have already given fantastic advice, but I just wanted to offer a :hug:

Your pregnancy was real, and a loss is still a loss, no matter what stage of pregnancy you were at.

You're allowed to grieve as much as you feel you need to, and please make sure you do, you have every right to do so.

More :hug:

Nothing new to add, just another :hug: for you. It sucks. That's all there is to it. It just plain sucks.

FX you don't have long to wait for your sticky BFP.

I hope you are feeling a little better today LL. Have been thinking about you. (hugs)

:hug: Oh LL, I'm so sorry about your loss sweetheart. I wish I could give you a hug. Be kind to yourself, the coming days and weeks will be difficult. Lots of love to you.

Hugs LL, nothing to add to the words and thoughts given to you so far. Our group has had a bad run of it in the last couple of months and I hope that you will be able to get your BFP and sticky bub soon and turn around the tide.

Thinking of you!

Thanks for your support everyone.

I do have another question- can I expect to have a pretty normal cycle this month? Bleeding lasted about a day and a half, two days longer than usual. Still spotting now but very light and looks like a dark dark brown- like old blood.

Mine have all gone on to be regular cycles following.

My cycle afterwards was normal - except I seem to have ovulated earlier but that could be normal too as I've haven't been temping long enough to develop a set pattern.

I hope you're feeling ok xx

I've just realised it's CD 7 and I'm still spotting. Normally I bleed for 4 days, almost to the letter, then MAYBE a fifth day of light spotting. The blood is soooo dark now. I guess that's normal? My hpt came up clear on Sunday already so it must just be that my lining had started to thicken up nicely for the baby already then the miscarriage and now there's just a bit more to be shed than in a non-pregnant cycle?

Feeling ok, not too bad at all just thinking about things a lot.

I think my cycle was pretty normal.

For me the spotting was different from one loss to another. I cannot explain why...other than maybe there was more lining than other times ITMS.

If the spotting continues through another cycle I would get it checked as it can irritate the cervix and make it sore etc. But otherwise, for the most part, after an early loss all went back to normal within one cycle.

Spotting stopped so that's good. Hubby and I DTD for the first time last night, was really nice but what an odd feeling to be already looking to the future and wondering if this was a lucky dance while what happened is still so raw and present in my mind. Sad today especially tonight as this was when I was really, physically feeling the loss occurring, exactly a week ago. I'd be 5 weeks 2 days.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling sad. Give yourself time to grieve. It may take a while, you might always think about the what ifs.

I know I keep thinking about how far along id be and stuff like that. It's not easy. Praying you get your sticky bubba soon x

Thanks PP. I am really not too bad, it's just like a dull presence in my mind. This sounds awful but I would much rather a loss now than further down the line. My mum and mother in law both had late losses and I don't know how they got through it. But that's life I guess- most of us manage to fumble our way through somehow.

Just checking in to see how you are going LL, hope you are working through it ok.

Hello! Thank you for touching base Sahbear. :hug:

I'm not bad at all, I'm just thinking about it a lot. Told the first person outside of this forum (and DH) about what happened and it was nice to physically say 'this happened to me' but at the same time I sort of rushed through the conversation to get it over with. I'm hesitant to spend too much time on it because I still feel guilty for feeling sad at only four and a bit weeks and in case I tell anyone else and they raise an eyebrow if I tell them I was not even 5 weeks. I know I'm allowed to feel sad of course, but I also can't help that other feeling. But I keep thinking to myself, you can create a life, you can mourn a life.

Hello again, I have another question if anyone is around and doesn't mind reading :)

I'm on CD8 of my second cycle since the loss. It's fair to say that despite only being pregnant for 7 days it has influenced my cycles as my first cycle was only 25 days, highly unusual for me, including 7 days of bleeding and spotting (the miscarriage/chem bleed) instead of 4 and weird CM patterns.

Now on CD 8 of cycle two I'm spotting with small traces of EWCM. My period was 5 days and the following three days have involved small amounts of spotting in mucousy CM and today the tiny bit of ewcm. Is this normal? I used to ovulate around cd 16 with ewcm from about cd 11.

I imagine being pregnant for 7 days would set things in motion in my body that might take a little longer to re-set, but most people tell me a 'chemical' pregnancy shouldn't really impede future cycles.

Thanks in advance for any replies, I know my loss is tiny compared to what many others on BB have been through, I'm just confused and annoyed by my body right now.

Was your last period like it normally is?

More or less, just a day longer, a little bit heavier.

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Hello again, I have another question if anyone is around and doesn't mind reading :)

I'm on CD8 of my second cycle since the loss. It's fair to say that despite only being pregnant for 7 days it has influenced my cycles as my first cycle was only 25 days, highly unusual for me, including 7 days of bleeding and spotting (the miscarriage/chem bleed) instead of 4 and weird CM patterns.[...]I imagine being pregnant for 7 days would set things in motion in my body that might take a little longer to re-set, but most people tell me a 'chemical' pregnancy shouldn't really impede future cycles.

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Following our CP (see sig), my wife had disrupted cycles like yours for the next 2 months - slightly longer than usual and with heavier bleeding + thicker/weirder CM. As someone who's suffered the grief of a second trimester miscarriage all I can say is "please, please never feel like you have to apologise for grieving". The loss of a life not fully realised and lived out is just that, a loss, and while the later losses were worse for us, all were losses. I don't think anyone here would look down on you for being upset, and caring.

A life is always worth loving. *hug*

As for trying too early... that depends on the two of you, but it sounds like you need a real chat with your husband, if he'll respond well. You guys need to be on the same page now about this loss - because while things may go perfectly for you in future, if they don't, you'll need far more support, care and consideration than has been provided up to this point. I'm far from perfect, and I'd have cancelled my 'fun night with the boys' to let my wife curl up on my chest, cry and have her hair stroked.

One thing to remember is, of course, that an early loss is not a negative sign for future pregnancies, so please don't read any 'prediction' into what I've written. I just want you to have good husbanding from hubby.

Thanks Tigey, yep DH has been great since, to be honest I don't think he understood the emotional response I had, he was sad himself that we were no longer pregnant but he is a scientist so I think mentally he was very practical about the earliness of the loss and the biology of it... After I explained how I felt he was perfect.

I'm on my second cycle since it happened, just waiting to fall pregnant again 'to make everything all right'!

Thanks again. :)

:wall:

What's happened to my lovely 28 day, 12-13 day luteal phase cycles? Last one was 25 and no obvious signs of ovulation, and today AF arrived cd24 after positive OPKs around cd 12 and again cd 14-15.

Oh hun I feel your frustration. My body is acting up too after my loss. So unpredictable now.

Huge hugs xx

I'm off to see my GP next week, i might need to see if this chemical preg upset things too much, I'm thinking 7 days of hcg showing up on a hpt was enough to mess things up for a while... and a TCM practitioner for some advice and maybe some acupuncture. I'm also turning 33 this year, no time to waste!

Hello all,

I thought I might update my story here, in case anyone comes across this thread one day having been through a similar scenario.

The two cycles following this loss were 24 and 25 days, much shorter than my previously clockwork 28-29 days. My luteal phase is only about 12 days so a shorter cycle even by a few days, had I of ovulated, would have resulted in a very short LP.

My GP, who is also my fertility specialist, said that seven-eight days of clear positive pregnancy tests meant I had experienced a very early miscarriage rather than a chemical pregnancy. This is because the egg had definitely implanted (not a failed implantation) as my body was giving off hgc for a good week which she said was enough for my body to gear itself for baby growing and as a result, though an early loss, the rise then crash of hormones was enough to put my hormones and subsequent cycles into a tail spin.

I know it's all about interpretation and semantics but having my FS confirm a miscarriage not a chemical oddly helped me to heal. I felt validated in my grief.

I didn't ovulate for those two cycles but my day 5 and 21 bloods on the third cycle confirmed my baseline hormones (cd 5) were at perfect levels and that on cd 21 my progesterone had risen a lot. The only thing amiss was my LH and FSH ratio which was slightly elevated (2.5 when the normal range ends at 2). But this was not a surprise to either of us because way back in the day when I was a LTTCer ( a journey that resulted in the surprise natural conception of 17 month old DD), we found that I possibly had PCO but not PCOS as I had a lot of follies on both ovaries but it was just one or two less than the amount on that medical scale that determines a PCO diagnosis. But that is another story!

I think part of my distress was informed by my journey TCCing DD and it brought a lot of the anguish from that period to the fore. She was 19 months, maybe more - I cannot remember when we started TCCing, in the making. It was a long and confusing and heartbreaking journey as I know many other longer term TCCers would be aware of. Wanting a baby and feeling like you are less human because you cannot create the most essential of human creations – another life.

But anyway, this month I also had a clearly positive OPK (as I did with the lost pregnancy). It seems as though I ovulated two days earlier than usual. I know polycystic ovaries can interfere with OPK readings and I always have a second line on my OPKS but they are never close to the control line so when they do turn as dark/darker I know things are about to happen!

And now at 12dpo on the third month it seems I am pregnant again! I am frightened and hyper emotional but two special girls gave me good advice – Carly said to enjoy the moment and TickToc told me to rub my belly and say ‘hello baby’!

I do not know how big of a journey this little hatchling will have but I do feel more confident. Maybe it is the hormones talking but I had a deep subconscious sense, with the last pregnancy, that something was not quite right with the little life. I remember a friend announcing a pregnancy and even though I was in very early pregnancy myself I felt sad and wished that I could share her journey. There was nothing to indicate that this pregnancy would miscarry but I think I knew. I have no such thoughts this time and maybe I will be wrong but only time will tell.

So pleased to hear your great news Ladylove. As someone who struggled to conceive (both times), I understand your feelings. Fingers crossed that this is a long and happy journey for you. ;)