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Has anyone else read Pinky McKay's blog posts from today?
I love the rant and follow up blog post explaining the rant.
Unfortunately I can't post the blog here too much swearing!
Google search parenting by heart and at the top of the home page there's a link to the blog. Well worth a read, especially if your a gentle parent.
I laughed! I think she might have gone a step to far but it certainly didn't offend me. I can completely understand why she kinda lost her **** too, sometimes I too get tired of showing more empathy and gentleness than some parents are willing to show their own tiny babies :/
Me too. I constantly have to bite my tongue at mothers group with mums who have trained their babies and who are competitive and call their babies names.
I had a laugh but understand why some may have got offended.
I'm going to go against the grain and say I thought it was unprofessional and if I was a parent who was in desperate need of her services, I'd be terrified I'd become fodder for her next rant. People are entitled to rant about the less joyful parts of their job - I do it myself, but to do it in the public arena isn't cool. Do it in private if you must do it. I read it and cringed. I think her rant is misdirected. Don't rant at the parents - rant at the situation that got them to the point where they are contacting you. There is so much disconnect between parent and child from the moment they are born in many cases that it's no wonder that people need to be told to pick up their baby - they have been socially conditioned to see babies as manipulative little devil-spawn and they need to learn that it's OK to cuddle for hours. And as for her response to her original rant, well doesn't she think that people call her for the instant fix because they are desperate? I have no doubt that at times it would be tiresome, but calling people dipsticks? I just think it was a bit disappointing?
I would have a lot more respect for opinions if they were provided without the excessive language as well. Doesn't come across as a professional or respectful way to write.
I agree a bit disappointing - also I really dislike the whole we are the ***, they are the **** approach - in one of the pieces it says about not following a particular dogma but being your own parent - I totally agree with that. But then she is using the whole us and them thing when really we are a continuum. The whole us and them thing might work well in marketing terms though - "uniting people against a common enemy" will win brand loyalty with many.:
I agree - this wasn't her "personal" blog but her "professional" one.:
I found it upsetting to read, considering I'm currently struggling with a 7 week old who cries and fights sleep a lot.
Specially as I have had to put her down and let her cry, and not for any reason she has stated but still horrible read and way to put down parents who are struggling and have reached out to her.
I thought it was awful. I understand she was frustrated, but to attack mothers?? Calling them '#$€%ing lazy' and worse. Not cool by me. And certainly not professional. For someone who is supposed to have so much empathy for babies maybe she could spare a bit for their mothers.
I am a gentle parent and maybe I sometimes even think some of those things in frustration but I can't think of any situation where it would be helpful to say them out loud. Seems like she's supportive only if you agree with everything she says. I'd rather support all mothers, no matter what they do, because they're all just trying to do their best.
I wasn't a huge fan of the post. I did pull from it some wording that I love and absolutely agree with 'stone age baby in a space age world'.
yeah it popped up in my FB newsfeed and i found it to be in really bad taste.
Everyone is entitled to bemoan the downsides to their job but to do it in such a public forum? not on, even if it was "tongue in cheek" as has been purported by those who support her. I feel for any strung out, sleep deprived desperate parent who happened to come across that post today.
she may be a "sleep guru" but not a very smart move on her part to bite the hands that feed her!
I agree it was unprofessional.. however I had a pretty good chuckle!!
It's worth reading her follow up blog post. It clarifies things a bit.
Can I post it here??
Why I flipped my lid at baby tamers
WRITTEN BY PINKY MCKAY ON MAY 30, 2013. POSTED IN BABY, EDUCATION, PARENTING
Clearly I have upset people with my late night rant about baby tamers. My tongue was firmly in my cheek when I let fly. I am sorry if I have offended you, especially if you are a desperate mother. You deserve an explanation:
For more than thirty years I have been kind, gentle, accepting. I have written thousands of articles and columns for magazines, websites, newspapers. I have written gently in my books. I have spoken gently to parents, especially new parents.
I have argued on radio and TV about the rights of babies and children – to be heard, to be nurtured and to be treated with respect. I have also advocated for parents to be supported.
But you know what – it feels like chipping away at an elephant with a toothpick. I am sick and tired (literally) of seeing parents who are being responsive to their babies needs being hammered by everyone around them – from peers to professionals. These parents get crap every day about their gentle, responsive choices to follow their intuition. They have lucky babies but their confidence is shot to pieces by everyone around them telling them they are doing something wrong.
Last night my cork popped! I had been doing a phone consultation with a truly lovely mama from the UK (yes I work beyond office hours and across time zones). This beautiful, intuitive mother who was meeting her baby’s needs simply needed some gentle tweaking and a big dose of support – without being told she was creating ‘bad habits.’ This mum had it tougher than most – as well as a lack of support for her nurturing from friends and family ( apart from her loving partner), this mum had been through the pain of her first baby dying. She had become pregnant soon after, so imagine her anxiety and concern for this precious child (please don’t read into this that there are parents who don’t think their baby is precious). She didn’t need her confidence undermined.
This triggered flashbacks for me. We have lost babies in our family too. My beautiful brother and sister-in-law also experienced the sudden death of their first baby. One day I was cuddling and playing with baby Ryan and the next day he died. At the time I questioned – why do such amazing parents who have never ever left their baby to cry, who would do anything for their baby without complaining about the ‘inconvenience’ have to go through this?
I am a mum of five and I have grandbabies. I DO know what exhaustion and desperation feel like. I have been there with babies – and with teenagers. My husband was often away for work for weeks at a time. Many times he was on the other side of the world. I did a lot alone . I have experienced nurturing against the popular tide –I have been given hell because I wouldn’t leave my babies to cry, I wouldn’t ‘smack’ them , and now I find myself swimming against the tide because I won’t accept baby training.
Maybe my frontal lobe is shrinking with age - maybe that’s why my filters are off. I am no saint nor have I ever pretended to be. I have always said what I believe – I know swearing offends. I don’t like to pit mothers against each other but I am truly concerned that ‘being nice’ isn’t working to turn the tide against the huge push for ‘convenient babies’. Where does it end? If you name call your baby at 4 months old and you aren’t prepared to learn and listen then, what happens to the next generation of teenagers?
I have 18 years between my youngest and oldest ‘kids’. And I can vouch , there are a LOT of disconnected kids out there –and it seems to be getting worse. My youngest went through a stage of bringing homeless kids he met at the station to stay at our place. These kids had been kicked out of home –at 14, 15 and 16. I won’t collude with kids who may have had an argument with parents so my rules are, if you are going to stay here, I need to speak to your parents. I found myself speaking to parents of these kids and saying it ‘damn straight’, “you have a duty of care,” because, sure enough , the parents had kicked their kids out. And no, these parents weren’t without resources to get support– I drove one kid home to a mansion. I hooked others into a local housing support organisation. I drove a few to appointments at a youth drug and alcohol counselling service. I took a car load to a youth family planning centre so they could all have a chat with a counsellor about ‘safe sex’ after one had asked about the ‘morning after pill’. It turned out this 14 year old had had unprotected sex. Her own mother had kicked her out and a phone call didn’t make a difference, so I took this kid to a doctor. I took one who was self-harming to a community psychiatric unit for help and I have sat in emergency wards with others – whose parents were just ‘too busy’ to drive them to hospital (one had been badly cut and needed stitches through tendons in his leg and another had acute appendicitis). I could go on….
My daughter is a psychologist in a school (a nice private school in a good area). She sees kids who have been kicked out of home too – at 14, 15 and 16.
I have experienced ‘the bigger picture’. I don’t get angry very often – ask my kids. Last time I flipped my lid was over a year ago – After a yell, I stomped off to my bedroom with a cuppa and very soon I saw one kid go to the clothes line with a basket of washing and another took the bins out.
Lately though I have been feeling utterly frustrated and at a complete loss and I did need a vent. You see, no baby or child deserves to be treated like an inconvenience – at any age. Ignorance isn’t an excuse. I don’t care whether you sleep with your babies, baby wear or breastfeed – or not. You can nurture responsively without adopting labels or following any particular dogma or philosophy. This is YOUR child and you do know your child best – if you listen and trust. ’Your feelings might be fragile but so is your baby. You are the grown up in this picture. You chose to have a child.
Nurturing your baby – you don’t have to be perfect – does matter. Your baby will be making a difference in the world – he needs the capacity to form relationships, to show empathy and to experience JOY!
While I understand that parents who I have labelled as ‘tamers’ are reaching out. I feel upset that their ‘reaching out’ emails are disrespectful to their babies. They are also disrespectful of my time. These are not parents requesting consultations – they are expecting me to email a ‘quick fix’ and some even get angry that I don’t post their requests on facebook or that I don’t answer their emails.
I don’t have endless time and energy –I have provided a wealth of information to read and listen to. I have interviewed leading international experts in child health and development as well as parents well-being. I have recordings of the latest evidence based information available. I spend many hours posting information on facebook so parents can feel supported and educated. I offer seminars and I do voluntary sessions with young, migrant and disadvantaged parents. I used to offer scholarship consultations but found that some people (not all –others were truly in need and appreciative) took advantage of these. So I stopped offering them.
I don’t know what the answer is to see that vulnerable infants and children are respected and responded to, but if my rude rant gets such a reaction, perhaps it’s at least making people think.
www.pinkymckay.com.au
I think her follow up post is brilliant. Yes she's a human being, yes she may have overstepped a professional line but it's sounds like she's desperate too, almost a lone voice in the noise of baby whisperers/tamers. Good on you Pinky for owning your rant and looking for something good to come out of the stir it's caused. I just hope that years of her good work and messages won't be lost or forgotten because she had a bad day. I think we can focus on the bigger picture especially those of us who know where her heart lies and all the hard work she's done to promote gentle parenting.
I don't think she has to maintain any sort of behaviour because she's a "professional". She's Pinky, she is who she is and I actually like a woman who can swear.
As much as I loved it, I thought there were some tangents that went a little overboard but I wasn't offended and I think good for her for having the balls to come out and say it.
I find some of her writing quite wishy washy, and so found her recent blogs quite refreshing, enjoyed seeing a bit of spark.
Two things she did get out in the post somewhere (can't remember exactly where or how it was said) kind of resonated with me in amongst the turbulent waves of ranting lol.
The first was about being thankful your baby is crying because it means they still trust you. I loved that because I like being able to frame things positively!
The other was about looking at the situation as the baby HAS a problem rather than the baby IS a problem. Important distinction I think and a good way to remember that the baby is a person too.
But the post as a whole, eh not my cup of tea. Interestingly I just wrote (like 2 days ago I think) about my general respect for all (with obvious exclusions) parents regardless of our differences and such lol. Seems like I'm always on trend even when I don't try!
I didn't read the original post, but the follow up is worth reading: I agree it finally shows the spark in pinky that often gets toned down through treading the middle ground.
I feel her pain, it is so hard walking the tightrope that is the mainstream, for so many years on end! Ive toned down a great deal from my initial gusto ;)
It's in the Herald Sun today: No Cookies | Herald Sun
So I dont know if I should admit that I incited this rant... lol. I didn't tell her to swear or name call though, I swear lol :) I was talking to her the other night and she was telling me some awful stories, and I said that she should create a FAQ page for those people to go to, and joked it should be something like, 'My baby is in my cot and wont stop crying, what should I do?' and 'Its not been 4 hours yet and my baby is hungry what should I do?'
I didn't swear though!!!! :D
Cant believe how much this has snowballed lol.
If you read the coments under the article ( via susie somebodies blog), they are all in support of Pinky, which is good.
Good for her I say, she is obviously frustrated and thats how it came out!
Yeah Susie O'Brien, who usually pitches homebirth vs hospital birth, vaccination topics, against us etc. Does not surprise me she wrote it!
I really do understand where she's coming from. I've been doing this for 10 years, I met Pinky almost 12 years ago and we worked together, I dragged her into the business side with some seminars I went to and she's flown with it - I couldn't afford some of the things she signed up with after my marriage separation. But the bigger your audience, and an audience thats cycling so much (people always getting pregnant/having babies) means new people every single day. So you repeat yourself every single day. And you get frustrated at how many of the 'other side' get to them and have brainwashed them (some really unsafe advice being given out) that they come to you seeking a quick fix, but not wanting to change. They want a convenient baby, and a quick fix for the screaming session they are dealing with at the time. Its really sad. Thats why as much as forums are dying, I will always love the BB forums, which have such beautiful, wise advice, loving and nurturing mothers... I really hope that social media doesn't completely take over. Such beautiful advice and support needs to be read.
I guess, if anything, at least it's got people talking/thinking/debating etc...and although I may not have agreed(and still don't) with her delivery of it, it *did* make sense and have a lot of truth behind it. If people took offense, i think it's only because her words struck a nerve..
I wouldn't say i subscribe to the label of a "gentle parenter" but i am, and have been, responsive to both my DDs apart from times when it was absolutely paramount to *my* own sanity to put them down and walk away for a bit. if that makes me lazy or that i think my children are an inconvenience then so be it *shrug*
For what it's worth i used Pinkys techniques with both my girls and one responded to them and the other didn't!
She was only having a go at those who have babies as accessories and refuse to learn why babies behave the way they do. Not anyone genuinely struggling and have tried everything. Putting your baby down to cry for a while because you are exhausted and just need 5 minutes to regroup is not the parent she was fed up with, or the mum with PND. I think she just lost it with the babies as accessory parents wondering why the 'best of everything' most expensive toys, cots, done to the nines nursery parents that then think their baby should slot perfectly into their lifestyle parents.
It may not have been the most professional way to go but she's only human and feels strongly about what she does, and rightly so! I like seeing the real person sometimes :p
The only reason the media picked it up is because of the swearing, sad really, but it might actually get people thinking. Those that can get past the expletives. I know it offends some people, but hey, they're only words take them out and what she wrote makes absolute sense. I'm sure there are a few that might unlike her or unsubscribe from her blog, but she's probably going to get a whole lot of new followers too. If any of the unlikers change the way they parent because she swore, then they are dip*****! IMO :)
Are there really that many parents who have babies as "accessories" though? I've not met one.
I have met and I think there are simply more parents who don't use forums or the Internet or other support communities, who simply do not have any idea about parenting and these people do think that their babies should be sleeping through for whatever reason and don't understand why babies feed so much or cry so much.
Not everyone goes looking for help from strangers online but might borrow a book from the library at the most.
Yes it's her blog, professional or not but when you go off tap like that you come across as just as much an ******* as the person asking for advice on getting their child to sleep, with the latter possibly having an excuse of sleep deprivation for asking in the first place.
I think parents fall into the hands of the wrong advice and it directs the way they think they should parent. Some really bad books advise strict routines and rules - books like babywise that paediatric associations have warned against. Peak bodies. There is a sense of entitlement bred from bad books. I know when I first started co-sleeping 11 years ago I felt soooo looked down on, that it was bad and wrong. I was weaker and they were stronger as such.
Also, a society where women are in high powered roles, expecting lots from their lives, having schedules, deadlines - dropping that headset and going into motherhood can just feel like a scary world for them. They 'want' the same for their baby. They want a guidebook to tell them how to do it, and some even want a well behaved baby so seek these 'rules' books. Of course, they don't work for most babies, so in desperation they flick off emails to people like Pinky and still want the same results but from someone else because nothing else is working.
So, how do you get through to these people? For so long you can do the nice, lovely, fluffy, biting your tongue thing. But sometimes you feel overwhelmed, or flooded, with people getting advice elsewhere that isn't working for you, and they come to you for damage control.
I don't care how many times she has been asked the same question - stupid or not - if she purports to be in the business of helping people, she should respond to each and every request, whether it be the first time she has heard it or the millionth time she's heard it, with respect and compassion. If that is beyond her, maybe it's time to get out of the "helping business".
I cannot imagine a community health association posting on their blog/website in that way. It is counterproductive in the extreme.
She's a human being, its not possible to react perfectly 100% of the time.
We all make mistakes, we're human. We learn along the way. I think its unfair to expect perfection; particularly as a parent where our kids health and wellbeing is at stake - the most important thing to us. Impossible to be perfect. She'll no doubt learn and grow from this just like we do.
If all the experts who have said something 'out there' in their time, quit, we'd have a very different world.
I dont agree with the language, but with baby experts out there giving out DANGEROUS information, I think thats much worse.
There is perfection and then there is willfully slagging off parents (who are trying to do the right thing by seeking help or answers) in an abusive way. Just because others give information out that is wrong/harmful/unfashionable doesn't make this judgmental outburst right.
Yes we are human and make mistakes but by her follow up post she's not sorry. The swearing doesn't bother me in the slightest, it's the content plus the us and them mentality, my way or the highway.(tamers and cuddlers? Coz those who might use some form of CIO can't be cuddlers right?)
Also the quote "At the time I questioned – why do such amazing parents who have never ever left their baby to cry, who would do anything for their baby without complaining about the ‘inconvenience’ have to go through this?" WHAT???? i know it was spoken in the confusion of losing a precious family member and family but, really??? A mother like me, who did sit with and let my children mainly to save my sanity before I literally ended up leaving, DO deserve this more than a "cuddler"???? (Best thing I ever did FWIW, but its our experience and choice).
Sorry but the whole thing is super offensive, yes she has a right to her own opinion but ostracising people in this way is going to do far more harm than good, eecially as it is her professional blog and the die hard Gina Ford and Tizzy supporters aren't ever going to be won over because they are getting results too ( some parents might argue, at a cost, other parents will say their well adjusted gorgeous happy kids who sleep well and are bright bubbly and thriving might disagree, which is their right.)
Anyhow I guess I'm saying I don't think she can post like this and expect people to say oh good on you, carry on, especially in the field she's working in which is frought with such emotion anyway.
I wouldnt have written it that way for sure. But I dont think she should stop doing what she does best. We need people like Pinky, more of them.
I'm sure she'll do it differently next time. If it was a regular ocurrance im sure she would lose fans - but its not usual for her. Never done it in her life.
(Didnt see your post Tanstar, on iphone)
Her first post was OTT, her follow up was spot on. I feel her pain. I sometimes want to scream at friends who use CC etc to just effing cuddle your child.
I'm a cuddler and have had a few too judgmental comments made at the fact that I cuddle my babies to sleep and apparently spoil them by responding to their cries.
When ppl say these things I want to make them cry and them leave them in a dark room alone to sort themselves out alone with no support .... Oh hang on that's apparently perfectly normal!! :(
Yes the person she's saying it to today may well be hearing it only for the first time ever. It's pretty unfair to rant because she's sick of saying the same things, when she's not saying them to the same parent.:
The amount of times I hear the same things from parents and repeat myself - giving the same advice over and over, and feeling like parents are just dumb... Like ... Seriously... How is it you don't realise that??!!!
It is one thing for me to complain about that on my private Facebook page... But my pubic work profile... Never... I TOTALLY get her frustration... And I too think most of it is a bit amusing... But I agree that it is unprofessional and unfair... If the parent are asking her questions, then... They are looking for help... We all wish there was a quick fix... And I often find myself joking with parents about wishing I could bring a magic wand to the situation...
I think her post would have been much funnier on a private or anonymous blog.... The people who support her are those who are already "in her court" so she's missing a whole group of people she might be able to "convert" - if that's what she wants to do.
Personally, I am not a one size fits all kinda girl... I think there are pluses and minuses in every parenting style, and strategy, and each parent needs to work out what works for them - and at times we need to try things, that.. Maybe... Are not what we would like, because we really have tried everything else. I think she , unfortunately, might have made a few people feel guilty, when that is actually the last things she would want to do. There are times to keep your mouth shut as a professional, and this was probably one of them.
But... She has got people talking... And in some ways that's a good thing too... I just believe in practicing what you preach (as best you can!!) and trying to be respectful to the place each person is in is important...
Cause we cannot walk in their shoes - we do not know where they have been, or where they come from, or where they are going....
And we have all struggled, and been ignorant....
I also think is different because is a blog post it isn't like when giving a speech etc where you can get carried away and not be able to go back and change it. She wrote it and then pressed publish no doubt having reread what she had written. I can't believe the approach just happened like that - write it maybe but then don't publish it - I have written forum posts many times which have then just not submitted as am sure many people on here have - and I don't have to think about brand preservation, public image etc etc. She wants her approach to be mainstream right? That piece written like that is not the way to go about it - however if you want to solidify your following maybe it works judging by the "Go Pinky " stuff have seen on social media.
You know, I don't think she minds if she has made people feel guilty. That's the point- leaving your baby to cry because they haven't slept 12 hours yet, or were fed three hours ago is crap. And it's time we said so. Those babies deserve more.
It's ludicrous that people need to even ask her why their baby is crying when they're withholding food or not responding to them. It's as simple as feeding them or picking them up! If they want to follow that route then they are best to write to Tizzy or whoever they got the plan from that they're following and ask why it's not working. To the people that ARE trying to feed their children when they're hungry or picking them up when they cry and are becoming overwhelmed or it's not working out then I know Pinky has all the time in the world to try and help. She's not saying you have to be a martyr to parenthood but just have some basic commonsense and compassion for your baby.
Meow, that's the point though. It might be ludicrous to you and me, but there are new parents who just don't get it. Not everyone is born a natural mother, their baby doesn't just come out and they know exactly what to do, gosh I've seen people in my time that don't seem to understand that when it gets cold, you need to put warm clothes on your baby or that donuts and chocolate aren't suitable everyday lunch food for their children.
Rants like Pinkys are not going to make those people change, it's going to make some of them wish they never asked because clearly they are such idiots.
As ausgirl said, that's the point.
If she was trying to make people feel guilty that's disrespectful and hurtful just as much, as a helping professional it's her job to build up and encourage and motivate. What might seem like common sense to one person is totally new to another. It's like she is asking parents to use common sense and treat babies with love and respect, but she is not doing the same thing herself when dealing with parents - yes they are not babies, but the whole point is to treat 'people' with love and care etc etc etc whether babies, children, teens, adults or the elderly...
But the good thing is that we are entitled to have different opinions, and I can see why she did it and the benefits. If it was me, I wouldn't in my professional blog if I was her. We need people of different persuasions to talk about what they think works though, as there is no one size fits all and we have to make sure we talk about things - otherwise we get stale and just continue doing what was done, without thought... That's how we ended up with some of the 'unhelpful' parenting parenting practices in the first place.