Who and what makes up your village?

Bit of a more serious topic than my previous posting...

We all know it takes a village to raise a child. In recent times I feel that my village is changing... and the people I thought would make up my village when I started down this parenting road going on six years don't really figure into the equation any more. But I feel like I'm missing something.

One of my good friends, I'd say someone who used to be one of my closest friends, had a party for her DS this afternoon. She lives on the other side of town, so we drove for an hour (DS2 was mighty displeased), spent two hours there feeling a bit out of place, drove for an hour back home (DS2 again displeased). All the while back I was sad. DH tried to draw it out of me but I couldn't quite articulate... I am sad that this friend who was with me during those years at uni and after when I was trying to find my place in the world has drifted away, literally. I don't feel like we are in the same circles any more.

So who's in your village? Family, friends, who?

Will I make new friends when my DD starts school? Will these people become my village?

What am I missing? :think:

Not being a parent myself, but working with lots of families, I have noticed that friendships form between Mums when their children start having playdates and stuff so don't lose hope of finding some like minded people yet!

I feel this too. I had dd at 25. Five years later we are only just now attending the weddings of our friends. I will never have a baby at the same time as any of my girl friends or my sisters.

I think for me my village are those who I have been in the trenches with: mothers group women, kinder mums I've becomes friends with and my mum. It's not what I imagined, but there is a giant gap between me and most if my friends now when it comes to parenting. I can still connect with them on other issues, but I'm sooooo far beyond questions about pregnancy and birth and first-time parent stuff. I just don't need to go there again.

I feel your grief. I really do.

You will make more.

My village has in some ways become smaller. And in other ways bigger.

I try not to rely too much on relationships at school because as I've seen with others they tend not to continue into high school.

If I make this all about me for me for a second. I miss my large village. I think the atomic bomb that was the death of a close friend had me running to hide. And perhaps nurturing relationships that weren't reciprocal. But they needed me at the time and that's ok. But it's now I see the plague that's left behind. And I'm making peace with that.

But never lose hope with old friends. A good friend of mine dropped off the radar for a while, PND, egos and babies got in the way of our friendship. But recently things have gone back to the way they once were and I would say we are even closer than before. I think too the older I get the more picky I get at who I give myself to. I suck at keeping acquaintances. I have also learnt to accept that different people in my village have different super powers. And I can't expect them all to be the same. They are from everywhere, online, school, old friends etc.

I promise you that your village will grow. I always reach out. It's something I love about myself. But sometime my hand gets bitten. And that's ok too ;)

Can you tell I've been pondering this a lot lately?

My village is my husbands family, mine don't even bother at all.
I made a good friend through Playgroup & became really close at the start of last year.
She became my life saver during DS pregnancy.
I was admitted to hospital on & off, she would come to the hospital & pick up my girls for me & watch them till hubby got home from work.
If I needed to goto an appointment she would watch them for me.
The day before I had DS she picked up the girls again, took them home & looked after them till DS was born.
She really became a huge part of my village last year & I really didn't expect that but I would be lost without her.
Also a few mums at school but one mum in particular. When I started to get really sick during the pregnancy she would pick up & drop off DD1 for me.
She would watch her after school if I was stuck in hospital or at Ob appts etc..
Their friendship has been a great source of support for me.
I know if I really need help they will help.

By the time DD1 was 5 we had moved 5 times and thousands of kms. I felt like I had no village at all.

I'm not great at reaching out. In fact I felt like a hermit for a good while. It was just easier. But then, slowly my village got bigger. Yes they are mainly people I have met through the kids, or our occupational family. I keep in contact with old friends but like you I feel a bit sad about the relationship. Only it's me that's moved on and they are all still stuck in high school circles. I haven't been at high school for nearly 20 (gulp) years. They certainly don't play a part in my village.

Our families are still a part of the village, just long distance.
Even people that are peripheral yet still involved in my village have become friends - the gymnastics coach and his kids, DD1's teacher for the last couple of years etc.

It's funny, with this village I have created for myself, I know that if I need someone, even in the wee hours, someone would come in a heartbeat, and has done. Before where the people who I thought were my village, I can't imagine any of them doing that for me/us.

My village changes a lot, and that's good. My Uni village was not my pre-Liebs village, my babuLiebling village was different again, same with preschool Liebs and now schoolage Liebs (we physically moved village for that!)

My village contains similar types though at each point.

The women with a similar ethic to me about life (if not same faith), at a similar stage in life, if not similar age.

The families physically close to us; I encourage talking to neighbours in the street! There are older people too in this group and they are great to chat with.

The Church Family, an emotionally rich and diverse group of people of all ages. Includes some people I wouldn't otherwise know and I love that we are now in each other's lives.

Biological family? Not really, for many reasons. Including distance and their disinterest.

I lost what probably would have been my village when I met DH. It was a huge year, we all started our first real jobs after finishing Uni so we could only see each other nights and weekends, and I met DH - none of the other three even dated in that year. DH and I had a long distance relationship, so I wanted to spend a good part of the weekend with him, and then a year later I moved in with him back in my home town, two hours away from the city my friends were in. Slowly, that was it.

I'm usually fine with it but I'm reminded more and more how different we are and it won't be the same. It was awkward with them when I had DD. Worse with DS. One is getting married in April, I missed her engagement party because DD was sick, I still haven't even met her DF. The girl who was my best friend once, and my closest friend for a good part of my life, got engaged on Christmas Eve. I've never met her DF either. The tough thing is realising that I don't know if I can go to the bridal shower or wedding because kids aren't invited and DS is so young. It hurts to realise how distant I am, that the other two are bridesmaids and I'm still trying to work out how I can even be a guest.

On the other side though, I know how wonderful my brother is. He and his DF are only 26, but they're brilliant with the kids and would step up in a heartbeat if they had to. I've met a gorgeous girl through work with a boy only 6 months older than DD, and they go to the same daycare. A young family with a girl and a boy just a bit older than ours moved in next door and they're great. It's all changing, and there are more as DD gets older and interacts with more people. Best of all is a guy at DH's work, who is essentially his best mate now, who has a lovely wife and son just a bit younger than DD. We're planning a holiday with them in Feb.

So it's not at all what I expected - I thought there might be someone at least, one of DH's friends or one of mine, who did this whole family thing at a similar time to us. But nearly three years later and the weddings are just starting, kids are a long way off. But the new friendships are good, and I just try to remember that as DD and DS make friends there'll be parents to meet, people at sports practice etc. I think that although my 'village' is different than I expected, it's growing and in some cases it's getting stronger.

my playgroup (these women are awesome. One of the women is going through a messy divorce, and she commented that M overshopped for xmas, and dropped off boxes of food at her place, and R found a bag of clothes, new with tags, that her boys had grown out of)
my younger sister
and our daycare. Yeah its a bit sad that we have to employ our village, but we have noone else to help out (my family are all busy raising my older sisters children for her to visit mine more than a few times a year)

My mum is my main stay. She watches the kids, does all the ferrying around if I'm at work, will pitch in with homework if need be and still finds time to throw a load or two of washing through.
My cousin is my shoulder to cry on. She's got kids the same age and will watch mine in a pinch.
I've got several good friends who will step in at moments notice. One recently came to DD11 assembly straight from night shift when the morning of we realized no one else was going to make it and she was getting an award.
My sister lives just around the corner but works a demanding office job but, maternity leave starts for her soon so I think we'll see more of her then.

I have no village. I have a couple of old friends but they don't live near me and they are in a different part of life - single guys in the city vs married mum in the country. I have some friends around here but none I would ever ask for any sort of help. I used to have BB as my village but I wreaked that with my constant whinging and complaining and oversharing so it is just DH and I.

I think about this often. Only a generation or two ago people tended to stay in their home towns and had family around, cousins for the kids to play with etc. My MIL was just saying over Christmas that when she was a SAHM there was never a boring day because they were all friends with the neighbours and there were siblings and parents around to visit/come around and the kids grew up knowing their family well. Compared to now when more people move away for work or whatever and live away from family. My kids are growing up isolated with no close bonds to anyone outside our immediate family. They see their grandparents maybe 2 or 3 times a year. It doesn't seem right to me, but there is not much we can do about it because where we live is dictated by work availability.

Like others have mentioned, having my first baby at 23 none of my friends from back then were having kids. Over the years since having my DS I have developed a pretty awesome village. My mum's group is a big part of my village - we meet up regularly and are so amazing at supporting each other and sharing resources. The amount of baby equipment and clothes that has been shared around is great! I have a one or two other mumma friends who live nearby that I see, and then I have some pretty amazing friends who don't live close, but are always only a text away if I need a vent, etc. My parents live close by too, so they are pretty great babysitters - though not as readily available as I imagined they'd be. My MIL comes and visits every couple of weeks too, and she is really good at that hands on stuff around the house that needs doing (she often hangs out my washing without being asked). So, I guess your village changes and evolves over time. I imagine as DS starts school I'll gradually make some new school mum friends too.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without my village. They are the reason for my sanity!

My village has changed quite a bit during the last 10 years.

Became closer to different friends and since dd2 was born, me and my besties relationship changed and was very sad that it happened (wont go into details)

However, she sent me a mug which read "good friends are like stars, you wont see them all the time but you know they are always there"

I miss her friendship but we just dont have much in common anymore :(

My village now is a group of friends whom all had kids around dd2 and of course my family.

I just wrote a whole lot and realised I had managed to just write about me! Two friends, one close one, have moved and I miss them even though we didn't have much time to see each other anyway. So it's something that is on my mind too having just the other day needing emergency help with my children.
At the moment my village is depleted. Family is not there (my fault for moving) and no long term friends for the same reason. DS 1 starts school soon, and DS 2 will be at kinder. I know I'm not the easiest person to make friends with. I hope you start feeling more loved and surrounded by like minds soon.

When my kids were younger, I had a circle of friends from their school but I'm the only one still in this area now so I hardly see them these days.

These days, my mum, sister and I all share the load. We live within walking distance of each other so the kids all come and go from houses as they please. They are lucky that they have that, not many kids/parents do nowadays.

My village is mainly family. We are extremely close with both sides. My immediate family, and DH's immediate family plus DH's uncles and their families. His aunties are a lot younger than his parents so they it between the same age groups and we have children of a similar age. These people are the ones I can rely on in a heart beat. I can leave dd with them if ever I needed to, know that she is safe and happy. I can vent to them, relax with them and share life with them.

I have some close friends, but the ones I catch up with the most are ones with children. The girls my own age aren't ready for children yet and so that changes the dynamics a bit.

Thinking about this makes me really sad. I think before we had children, I believed that having children would bring this closeness that would be gained from meeting people when I was pregnant, making new couple friends going through the same. Meeting new parents at playgroup, school, and have this disney like friendships and group. I even believed that it would bring family together.
In reality, having our first child seem to push us out of our then current 'village'. When she was born I felt so isolated and alone. The few I had met whilst pregnant didn't become friends and slowly old friendships drifted away. Sure the long term friends are there, but the friendship is different and I honestly don't think they are as close as they once were.
Family wise, we are more distant from the extended family then ever before. I thought change would happen, closer relationship with the mother in law, that we would have that disney relationship. But I was wrong.
In reality, our village is us (dh, me, our children), two friends (who happened to be married to each other, so one family), the in laws and dh's aunt and uncle, and one of my aunts and a cousin. Even then it's a distant village that is widespread.

I don't think I have a village. I find it really hard to rely on anyone and ever ask or depend on anyone to help or support me I am fiercely independent. In sayng that 99% of the time I am fine with that. In saying that I have had a few occasions were I have had to open my gates up to allow help but it makes me uncomfortable and I find I can't relax.
When it comes to friends, I have a couple of good friends, none that I new from growing up though. I also have one friend that I don't get to see very often and miss dearly and I wish could be part of my village but we are at differnt stages of life and things just don't work out.
I have yet to make any friends with mums from the girls daycare, my own fault though as I don't really open up to people easily.

So I don't have a village but I have something, what that is I don't know but I know exactly why I am this way because I was not always like this. This also got confirmed for me last year when DD1 was in hospital but that is a whole other topic.

Hmm, I see close friendships and Village as separate, but overlapping concepts.

Close friendships are fewer these days. Busier, changing personally, them changing, moves etc. I have close friends who are their for emotional support, but due to distance are not there for picking up the kids in a emergency. I have a few friends locally that are both close confidants and Village.

I have a village of people, who may not be close, but I know if I called up and said "hey can the girls walk home with your kids after school and I pick them up later?" they would be fine with that. There is just not enough of a connection to be good friends, we can chat about school stuff, local township stuff, but I could never talk to them about issues with DH for example.

If find the Village evolves over the years. Initially it was play group/ABA mothers, some moved onto being friends, others faded away. Then came Kinder, childcare and school and the relationships from that.

Family is only somewhat a part of my Village due to distance and age of some of them. MIL does help where she can, like flying over to help during school holidays.

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Hmm, I see close friendships and Village as separate, but overlapping concepts.

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Exactly this, for me they are distinct and only occasionally overlap.

I honestly don't know. I had people I thought I could count on, who were a part of our village. But it turned out I was wrong. There are few people I could honestly consider part of my village. Sadly, most of them are hundreds of kilometers away. There are a couple locally but that is about it. I find that too many people put conditions on helping - which (to me) contradicts the village idea. Or take advantage of me/us - taking but never reciprocating. Or judging me/us - which again isn't conducive to the village concept. But if I ever needed someone to pick up one of my kids, or needed someone to help me because DH was in an accident or whatever, I can honestly say I can count on one hand the number of people who would help. That doesn't mean I don't have fantastic friends who love me - it just means everyone is so busy running their own races that they don't take time to foster the village. And I guess that's ok. We make do with what we have. But I live in hope that one day, I will be a part of a village that we can help, can help us, and that makes us feel like our best is ok - not that we are never good enough.

And like Rogue, I don't rely on school as part of my village. It just takes the kids to have a falling out or for someone to move for everything to dissolve like sugar in hot water.

For me a village is more than just people you rely on to help you when you are in a spot of bother.

And my village doesn't just involve people that are local.

I think this question is going to be answered in a way that is personal as obviously everyone defines their village differently.

My best friends are equivalent to my sisters. And are probably the most important part of my village. But then I don't have family. At all.

I've been thinking about this all day. I hadn't considered keeping friendships separate to the village... Interesting. I'd sort of thought part of the village is keeping mummy same, but I can see now another side of it, friendships that I treasure that I could continue, outside my kids. If that makes sense.

I also think I need to not pin so much hope on school... I've already witnessed DD being quite fickle with her friendships so that could all go pear-shaped too. Hmm.

I take heart from the fact that people's villages seem to change with time... Maybe that's where I'm at now. A period of change.

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For me a village is more than just people you rely on to help you when you are in a spot of bother

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That's a very good point. And I agree. But for me it is a part of the role of a village. And an important one for me because I don't have family here. My nearest relative is 800km away.

I would love to know what people define as the role of the village. I think that itself would be extremely interesting!

The only relatives I have are my children. So I get that :)

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I think this question is going to be answered in a way that is personal as obviously everyone defines their village differently.
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True and I think the definition changes over time For me, if you asked me what "village" meant 7 years ago I would probably have a different answer due to where I was living and the people around me. Since moving, my definition has moved from close friends to the overall community. May be it is a country thing, but if the call goes out, you help. That is regardless of friendship, regardless of whether that person has helped you in the past or that they may never help you directly, you help. It may be something that is once off, or may be ongoing, such a joining the CFA, CWA or some other group in the community

I've been thinking about this a lot too, and have been fluctuating between feeling very grateful for what I have, to feeling very let down by people I've invested a lot of time a love into ...

I'm going to come back to this, when I've done some more thinking.

But OP, you're awesome and fabulous, and I consider you to be part of my village, distance between our castles notwithstanding :hug:

The way I see it is like a Venn diagram - one circle is the 'village', one circle is 'close friends', one circle is 'family'. So some of the village may be 'close friends' or family or both, but not all. The people who are in the 'village' circle change the most over time as is influenced most by where you live, the stage of life you are at etc. etc.

I think I have quite a good village, but not so many 'close friends' - but am not sure I am a 'close friend' type person and I certainly don't feel like I am missing out there. I think having the concepts different is helpful because it enables you to develop a 'village' without worrying about really how much you have in common with the people in it and how much you really 'like' them - overtime they might develop into 'close friends' and stay in your life throughout changes in it - or they may just stay in your 'village' and if you move on or physically move they might not move with you but that is ok - that is just how a real 'village' (as in little town) works. It also helps because people can be in your close friends but not in the part that intersects with your village, and that doesn't have to be a problem - they are just a different type of friendship.

I am living in my third country now, and as an adult never lived in UK near where I grew up - so I have had to develop people in the "village" circle quite quickly and quite a few times - some moved into close friends circle, some stayed in "villages" I have now moved on from. The only family I have permanently here is a younger brother who is often away, but he would be at the intersection of family, close friend, and village for me - DH has no family here. Quite a few of my 'village' are other expats from various countries, who like us don't have family to rely on so do maybe more easily reach out due to necessity.

I agree about it being different things for different people.
I also agree with Astrid about it depending on your type of locale.

For me it involves my mates, the wider police family, and it also includes others who are involved either directly or indirectly to help me raise my kids and enjoy my family. The people in my village are also there to support DH and I.
Our families can't help from 2500km away but they help us through venting/encouragement/advice/whatever we need. They cheer me up when I am lonely, they tell me to get real, and they drop everything to come to special stuff like DS first day at school.
My mates are for me as much as for the kids. I have an awesome group of really close friends. Our kids don't always get along, but between 6of us there 22kids so there's always someone to play with lol. I enjoy being a part of their village as much as I love them in mine.
Our police family look after us when things are good and bad.

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I would love to know what people define as the role of the village. I think that itself would be extremely interesting!

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This is where I struggle. Working out what exactly is the role of the village. Because that would make my answer different. I suspect everyone's ideas of a village would be different and therefore the answers would be so varied. Person A's village might be people they can lean on for babysitting duties. Person B might have a group of friends to go out with that they consider their village.

I've been thinking about this for days now. There's a sign up at a nearby school with the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" that coincided with this thread so it has got me thinking about it. I agree that the village would be ever changing. Different influences coming into my life, different interests would mean seeking out different people throughout numerous stages. Some might stay long term, others not.

I guess I have two halves of a village. First one being family. There are very few people I can say would drop everything for me but I know exactly who they are and I know they will never let me down, regardless of what it's for. And I return that straight back to them. They do not live locally to me but the bonds are strong and it reaches out to DH and our kids too. The friendship side of the village is my second half and I suspect, this will be the bit that always varies. There are those in it that I think will always be there, and others that are passing through. Time will tell. I think it varies due to what I need from them (whether it be a friend, some advice, someone to laugh with) and what they are prepared to give me. Thinking about it further, it's almost like having a short term village (so in essence, the holiday house) and the more longer term village (the family home).

But I'm still thinking about it. A lot of what I just wrote was me thinking aloud. I think my long term thing has been me being self reliant even though there are people who are willing to help. I have to learn who the right ones are though (recently had a very close friend tell me she would love to babysit my kids, gushed over how good they are, how she'd love it....for an hourly rate.)

I definitely include some school mums in my village. I'm lucky in that I've got a great bunch in ds1's year though. I have family, friends- some old, some brand new. My friends know that I will help out their kids in anyway possible and am always available to wait around with them after school if someone is running late or whatever. I guess what I'm saying, is that I've put myself out there to be part of other peoples villages and in doing so, have pulled them in to be part of mine.

Omg Prmg - that's disgraceful! Charging a friend to babysit! You know ill do it for free!

The transient flow of a village is a good point. Today's society certainly points towards everything being transient.

I'm another that has always been self reliant. But out of necessity more so than desire.


This thread has got me thinking a lot. And feeling incredibly sad because it has made me realize there are people in my life I thought would be part of my village and who aren't. But it's also made me realize there are people I didn't think that are part of my village but are. My belly buddies group is the perfect example. 12 women spread across the country. Very few of us have met in person. But we are there for each other at any time of the day or night whether it be for baby related topics, relationships, employment, or just a chat. Like any village, some are more active than others but we are all there and all participate. There are no conditions. No rules. These women are an important part of my life - and an unexpected one.

So maybe that's the key. Like someone else said (sorry can't remember who it was and on the phone so can't scroll) - different people have different roles in the village and some are more active than others. Perhaps it's about recognizing that and being appreciative of those people and their roles. And dare I say, actually expressing such gratitude to our village.

I love this thread because it is so incredibly thought provoking. It makes one take stock of things. But I have seen so many women (including myself) talk about no village or a limited village. Perhaps we don't realize that we are part of a village - perhaps not the village we hold as an ideal in our minds, but a village nonetheless. Perhaps we don't realize the value of our own role in someone else's village.

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Perhaps we don't realize that we are part of a village - perhaps not the village we hold as an ideal in our minds, but a village nonetheless. Perhaps we don't realize the value of our own role in someone else's village.

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That's an excellent point. One of the families in our street has two kids, we met thru kinder as they are a few houses down so we hadn't bumped into them. They are both British expats, with very little family here. Towards the end of the year I started picking up their DD from kinder and the mum would ring me if she was late from work and ask me to sign out her DD. maybe I am part of their village.

This is all very interesting...

I can't see this page ... Can you see this post?

PM me if you can see this post ...

This is an experiment to see whether I can see the thread after doing a new post.

Huzzah.

I see you, Nutter.

And I raise you a hip, hip huzzah.

BTW, my village has no Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman. Should I provide this village service?

We haven't been living in our current area for that long so most of the 'physical' village around me is made up more of acquaintances than good friends. They are pretty much all the parents of other children in my kids preschool. It's a very community oriented preschool so we see each other a lot and I have plenty of opportunities to chat and defrag all that day-to-day parenting stuff. One family recently had a baby and I made them a meal and lots of people pitched in to help with school pick ups etc for them and it's nice to be part of a village like that where people help each other out.

The real emotional support I get is mostly online or through skype conversations with my good friends and family. I consider my close friends to be part of my village as I really gain a lot from their support even though they're not my 'physical' village. Knowing that they care about me and my family means a lot and makes me feel I have people to turn to in hard times even if they're not near us.