Who and what makes up your village?

[Astrid]

Hmm, I see close friendships and Village as separate, but overlapping concepts.

Close friendships are fewer these days. Busier, changing personally, them changing, moves etc. I have close friends who are their for emotional support, but due to distance are not there for picking up the kids in a emergency. I have a few friends locally that are both close confidants and Village.

I have a village of people, who may not be close, but I know if I called up and said "hey can the girls walk home with your kids after school and I pick them up later?" they would be fine with that. There is just not enough of a connection to be good friends, we can chat about school stuff, local township stuff, but I could never talk to them about issues with DH for example.

If find the Village evolves over the years. Initially it was play group/ABA mothers, some moved onto being friends, others faded away. Then came Kinder, childcare and school and the relationships from that.

Family is only somewhat a part of my Village due to distance and age of some of them. MIL does help where she can, like flying over to help during school holidays.

[wysiwyg]

Hmm, I see close friendships and Village as separate, but overlapping concepts.

Exactly this, for me they are distinct and only occasionally overlap.

[Mother Goose]

I honestly don't know. I had people I thought I could count on, who were a part of our village. But it turned out I was wrong. There are few people I could honestly consider part of my village. Sadly, most of them are hundreds of kilometers away. There are a couple locally but that is about it. I find that too many people put conditions on helping - which (to me) contradicts the village idea. Or take advantage of me/us - taking but never reciprocating. Or judging me/us - which again isn't conducive to the village concept. But if I ever needed someone to pick up one of my kids, or needed someone to help me because DH was in an accident or whatever, I can honestly say I can count on one hand the number of people who would help. That doesn't mean I don't have fantastic friends who love me - it just means everyone is so busy running their own races that they don't take time to foster the village. And I guess that's ok. We make do with what we have. But I live in hope that one day, I will be a part of a village that we can help, can help us, and that makes us feel like our best is ok - not that we are never good enough.

And like Rogue, I don't rely on school as part of my village. It just takes the kids to have a falling out or for someone to move for everything to dissolve like sugar in hot water.

[Rouge]

For me a village is more than just people you rely on to help you when you are in a spot of bother.

And my village doesn't just involve people that are local.

I think this question is going to be answered in a way that is personal as obviously everyone defines their village differently.

My best friends are equivalent to my sisters. And are probably the most important part of my village. But then I don't have family. At all.

[OceanPrincess]

I've been thinking about this all day. I hadn't considered keeping friendships separate to the village... Interesting. I'd sort of thought part of the village is keeping mummy same, but I can see now another side of it, friendships that I treasure that I could continue, outside my kids. If that makes sense.

I also think I need to not pin so much hope on school... I've already witnessed DD being quite fickle with her friendships so that could all go pear-shaped too. Hmm.

I take heart from the fact that people's villages seem to change with time... Maybe that's where I'm at now. A period of change.

[Mother Goose]

For me a village is more than just people you rely on to help you when you are in a spot of bother

That's a very good point. And I agree. But for me it is a part of the role of a village. And an important one for me because I don't have family here. My nearest relative is 800km away.

I would love to know what people define as the role of the village. I think that itself would be extremely interesting!

[Rouge]

The only relatives I have are my children. So I get that

[Astrid]

I think this question is going to be answered in a way that is personal as obviously everyone defines their village differently.
.

True and I think the definition changes over time For me, if you asked me what "village" meant 7 years ago I would probably have a different answer due to where I was living and the people around me. Since moving, my definition has moved from close friends to the overall community. May be it is a country thing, but if the call goes out, you help. That is regardless of friendship, regardless of whether that person has helped you in the past or that they may never help you directly, you help. It may be something that is once off, or may be ongoing, such a joining the CFA, CWA or some other group in the community

[peanutter]

I've been thinking about this a lot too, and have been fluctuating between feeling very grateful for what I have, to feeling very let down by people I've invested a lot of time a love into ...

I'm going to come back to this, when I've done some more thinking.

But OP, you're awesome and fabulous, and I consider you to be part of my village, distance between our castles notwithstanding

[wysiwyg]

The way I see it is like a Venn diagram - one circle is the 'village', one circle is 'close friends', one circle is 'family'. So some of the village may be 'close friends' or family or both, but not all. The people who are in the 'village' circle change the most over time as is influenced most by where you live, the stage of life you are at etc. etc.

I think I have quite a good village, but not so many 'close friends' - but am not sure I am a 'close friend' type person and I certainly don't feel like I am missing out there. I think having the concepts different is helpful because it enables you to develop a 'village' without worrying about really how much you have in common with the people in it and how much you really 'like' them - overtime they might develop into 'close friends' and stay in your life throughout changes in it - or they may just stay in your 'village' and if you move on or physically move they might not move with you but that is ok - that is just how a real 'village' (as in little town) works. It also helps because people can be in your close friends but not in the part that intersects with your village, and that doesn't have to be a problem - they are just a different type of friendship.

I am living in my third country now, and as an adult never lived in UK near where I grew up - so I have had to develop people in the "village" circle quite quickly and quite a few times - some moved into close friends circle, some stayed in "villages" I have now moved on from. The only family I have permanently here is a younger brother who is often away, but he would be at the intersection of family, close friend, and village for me - DH has no family here. Quite a few of my 'village' are other expats from various countries, who like us don't have family to rely on so do maybe more easily reach out due to necessity.

[~Kim~]

I agree about it being different things for different people.
I also agree with Astrid about it depending on your type of locale.

For me it involves my mates, the wider police family, and it also includes others who are involved either directly or indirectly to help me raise my kids and enjoy my family. The people in my village are also there to support DH and I.
Our families can't help from 2500km away but they help us through venting/encouragement/advice/whatever we need. They cheer me up when I am lonely, they tell me to get real, and they drop everything to come to special stuff like DS first day at school.
My mates are for me as much as for the kids. I have an awesome group of really close friends. Our kids don't always get along, but between 6of us there 22kids so there's always someone to play with lol. I enjoy being a part of their village as much as I love them in mine.
Our police family look after us when things are good and bad.

[Miss.September]

I would love to know what people define as the role of the village. I think that itself would be extremely interesting!

This is where I struggle. Working out what exactly is the role of the village. Because that would make my answer different. I suspect everyone's ideas of a village would be different and therefore the answers would be so varied. Person A's village might be people they can lean on for babysitting duties. Person B might have a group of friends to go out with that they consider their village.

I've been thinking about this for days now. There's a sign up at a nearby school with the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" that coincided with this thread so it has got me thinking about it. I agree that the village would be ever changing. Different influences coming into my life, different interests would mean seeking out different people throughout numerous stages. Some might stay long term, others not.

I guess I have two halves of a village. First one being family. There are very few people I can say would drop everything for me but I know exactly who they are and I know they will never let me down, regardless of what it's for. And I return that straight back to them. They do not live locally to me but the bonds are strong and it reaches out to DH and our kids too. The friendship side of the village is my second half and I suspect, this will be the bit that always varies. There are those in it that I think will always be there, and others that are passing through. Time will tell. I think it varies due to what I need from them (whether it be a friend, some advice, someone to laugh with) and what they are prepared to give me. Thinking about it further, it's almost like having a short term village (so in essence, the holiday house) and the more longer term village (the family home).

But I'm still thinking about it. A lot of what I just wrote was me thinking aloud. I think my long term thing has been me being self reliant even though there are people who are willing to help. I have to learn who the right ones are though (recently had a very close friend tell me she would love to babysit my kids, gushed over how good they are, how she'd love it....for an hourly rate.)

[Ginger]

I definitely include some school mums in my village. I'm lucky in that I've got a great bunch in ds1's year though. I have family, friends- some old, some brand new. My friends know that I will help out their kids in anyway possible and am always available to wait around with them after school if someone is running late or whatever. I guess what I'm saying, is that I've put myself out there to be part of other peoples villages and in doing so, have pulled them in to be part of mine.

[Mother Goose]

Omg Prmg - that's disgraceful! Charging a friend to babysit! You know ill do it for free!

The transient flow of a village is a good point. Today's society certainly points towards everything being transient.

I'm another that has always been self reliant. But out of necessity more so than desire.


This thread has got me thinking a lot. And feeling incredibly sad because it has made me realize there are people in my life I thought would be part of my village and who aren't. But it's also made me realize there are people I didn't think that are part of my village but are. My belly buddies group is the perfect example. 12 women spread across the country. Very few of us have met in person. But we are there for each other at any time of the day or night whether it be for baby related topics, relationships, employment, or just a chat. Like any village, some are more active than others but we are all there and all participate. There are no conditions. No rules. These women are an important part of my life - and an unexpected one.

So maybe that's the key. Like someone else said (sorry can't remember who it was and on the phone so can't scroll) - different people have different roles in the village and some are more active than others. Perhaps it's about recognizing that and being appreciative of those people and their roles. And dare I say, actually expressing such gratitude to our village.

I love this thread because it is so incredibly thought provoking. It makes one take stock of things. But I have seen so many women (including myself) talk about no village or a limited village. Perhaps we don't realize that we are part of a village - perhaps not the village we hold as an ideal in our minds, but a village nonetheless. Perhaps we don't realize the value of our own role in someone else's village.

[OceanPrincess]

Perhaps we don't realize that we are part of a village - perhaps not the village we hold as an ideal in our minds, but a village nonetheless. Perhaps we don't realize the value of our own role in someone else's village.

That's an excellent point. One of the families in our street has two kids, we met thru kinder as they are a few houses down so we hadn't bumped into them. They are both British expats, with very little family here. Towards the end of the year I started picking up their DD from kinder and the mum would ring me if she was late from work and ask me to sign out her DD. maybe I am part of their village.

This is all very interesting...

[peanutter]

I can't see this page ... Can you see this post?

PM me if you can see this post ...

This is an experiment to see whether I can see the thread after doing a new post.

Huzzah.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I see you, Nutter.

And I raise you a hip, hip huzzah.

BTW, my village has no Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman. Should I provide this village service?

[meow]

We haven't been living in our current area for that long so most of the 'physical' village around me is made up more of acquaintances than good friends. They are pretty much all the parents of other children in my kids preschool. It's a very community oriented preschool so we see each other a lot and I have plenty of opportunities to chat and defrag all that day-to-day parenting stuff. One family recently had a baby and I made them a meal and lots of people pitched in to help with school pick ups etc for them and it's nice to be part of a village like that where people help each other out.

The real emotional support I get is mostly online or through skype conversations with my good friends and family. I consider my close friends to be part of my village as I really gain a lot from their support even though they're not my 'physical' village. Knowing that they care about me and my family means a lot and makes me feel I have people to turn to in hard times even if they're not near us.