Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

XH and I have been separated since June. Ok, more like 'on a break'.
We 'got back together' bout a month later, but 6 weeks later I called for an official separation.

I did it because I was unhappy in my marriage. Very little communication (he stopped talking to me so I stopped talking to him), wanted to show affection but because of me being unhappy, I didn't want it. Didn't like to buy me anything that wasn't necessary (before Christmas, I can't tell you the last time he got me anything nice - like a small bunch of flowers just because)

Fast forward, one month into the separation. Bout early September. A good and long time male friend and I start seeing each other as more than friends. I had a little crush on him years ago - before XH even came into the picture. We started going on dates, spending a heap of time together on the days I was away from the kids (XH had the kids Tuesday night, Wed + Thur, I had them Fri - Monday night) to the point that we really do like and care for each other. We agreed that we could say that we said we're seeing each other just before Christmas.

Fast forward to now. XH is all lovey dovey, wants to work things out etc. He then flys off his handle after Christmas because he finds out I've been seeing this friend of mine. Ok, so I'll admit I should have told him instead of him going through my messages on Facebook (which he's done to me on numerous occasions - and the reason both of my Facebook accounts had been deactivated at some point or another) and reading the messages to each other.
But, now he's making me feel guilty cause he's giving me the 'we're still legally married so it's technically cheating' thing. Is it cheating? I was under the impression that being separated means not together therefore not having to answer to him and beig able to find myself and being happy again while it's my time off.

After all that, he still wants to work on it. He's been here for a week straight - and I don't know how much longer I can put up with him.
The first couple of days were fine, and he's now getting so possessive - won't let me go out (like he used to do), wants to know who I'm talking to to make sure it's not my friend, comes into the bathroom ALL THE TIME when I'm having a shower, still expects to sleep in the same bed, sits over my shoulder to read what I'm looking at on my phone - all this is just driving me away because I'm feeling too controlled, claustrophobic and just all round confined!!

So, I guess what I want to know is how do I tell him (without breaking his heart more than I already have) that I just want to be alone (well with the kids) and live on my own for a while??

Sorry it's long - took a while to type on my phone.

I think you just need to be honest with him. Yes it will prob hurt him, but not as much as him believing there is chance of reconciliation, and him trying to get that, if you have no interest in doing the same.

Personally I think you are on different pages, and discussion, no matter how hard it is, needs to be had so you are on the same page..

Are you still seeing your friend. ? Is there a possible future for the both if you ?

Why is your ex husband living with you again ? Did you agree to try again ?

Sit down with him and tell him everything you just told us about wanting to be alone. Your relationship is not going to work. You have already moved on mentally and physically. Can I ask though, if he is showing signs of trying to control you, do you think having a 3rd person there might be a good idea? He sounds like he is not ready to give up on the marriage and I would hate for the truth to hit hm hard and he react in a unsafe way.

:hug: I agree with the others. Tell him this, let him read it if he hasn't already. But get the courage to tell him because his behaviour right now is not on, it's abusive and it needs to stop now!

Omg huni. Im so angry hes gone through your fb. Thats to far. Its control huni. I think you need to tell him its over and why. Him acting like this will push you away quicker and faster than anything. You ok??? Huge hugs and love. Pm me anytime here or on fb. Xxx

Agree he has no right to look through your fb anytime let alone now you aren't together or control you. Sounds like you need him to move out again as he is trying to control you again.

He is/was your husband - that doesn't give him the right to control every move you make. Did he move back in because you agreed on a reconciliation? were/are you still in a relationship with your friend? If I was still seeing the other friend then I dont think its fair to be back with hubby but if you are separated and know that it is not going to work then you need to have the conversation with him.

He/I/We are only staying under the same roof because neither of us can afford to move out ourselves.
My dad wants me to start paying board when I stay there (which I think is fair enough because I do eat food there etc) but I can't afford what they want me to pay. DS is starting school (Kindy) and I don't want to move outside the boundary lines because that means he'll 'keep the kids'
He's already said (while being pretty nasty bout stuff) that he'll let me see the kids when he says so. I said over my dead body and that I'd be taking them with me when I do eventually move out.

The house is under both our names, but he's the one who pays the mortgage (as he keeps reminding me) so I said that once I've saved up enough cash (not easy to do when I get stuff all work) I'll get my own place.
I'd have to save up enough cash for new furniture too, but if it's what I need to do, then so be it.
The friend, the one I'm seeing, he (and I in a sense) have already talked bout where we see this going - and I see it turning into a full blown relationship. And right now, that's what I want. I don't want this 'fighting every single day' or 'looking over my shoulder to see who's messaging me' or '20 million questions on who's messaging me, what I'm doing etc'
I think that if I moved out to a place of my own (with or without the kids) that I can get the peace and serenity without him constantly around (well without anyone constantly around!) and just be able to become who I wanted to be again (without XH making me feel bad about seeing this guy)

And sorry, original post was made on my phone and I read the replies on my phone - but wanted to wait till I was online before I replied

Why is he going through your message? There is obviously no trust on his part. I would lay it out for him

You need to get some legal advice ASAP! That way when he gets nasty and makes threats about the kids or money you will know where your stand regarding your rights. You also need to get out of there! Go to Centrelink and find out your entitlements. You may find you can afford to leave with some assistance. You may need to move to a cheaper area - outside the current school zone - but that doesn't automatically let XH "keep" the kids. Get to a lawyer (legal aid?) NOW!

Why should he think he can keep the kids? I wish i was near by id move you and them in with us seriously. I think you need help. Is there any help financially to help you move?? Look into it huni. How are you doin? *mwah* xxxx

I second the legal advice. NOW. The longer you leave it, the more you risk doing something inadvertently that disadvantages you when it comes to settlement/custody. And the longer you leave talking to Centrelink, the longer it is til you get any benefits.

If I were you, I'd be focussing more on resolving your marriage (either way) than on a new relationship. If he's the right guy, he'll still be there down the track. Take some time to sort out your own feelings and look after yourself before complicating things with another person.

Bug hugs

Eta not just bug hugs, but big hugs too! :s

Change your passwords, lock your phone with a PIN, delete your browsing histories & caches on the computer and use an incognito browser every time you go online. Information is energy and energy is power. So when he's disrespecting that boundary he is asserting a claim over your personal power. That's not ok.

I cant see where you're located, but in nsw at least, the department of housing provide you with the bond for your house if you choose to rent privately (obviously only for those who have a lower income and are in need to move asap). That's what we did 3 years ago when we moved out.. and would centerlink be able to help moneywise? Are you registered as separated? You may be able to get payments that can then help you afford to move out and get your own place and possibly advances to help you afford your own furniture (obviously second hand stuff - but it's a start!)

I also really think you need legal advise and to get out hun! Not healthy!

I cant believe he told you he would decide when you see the kids! even if the house was just in his name Im pretty sure if it was sold he has to give you at least half. I think my friend got 70% even though it was in his name and and he worked and she didn't as she was raising the kids at home. If the house was sold hopefully that might give you some money to set yourself up a bit. I would also hold off on the new relationship. Things are already complicated and their is alot to think about and do with kids in a marriage break up. I also agree with the others about centrelink and the help they can probably provide you.

Replying on my phone so it won't be long.

I've already talked to the guy I was seeing and said I just need time for myself and the kids now. He's already said he's happy to wait because although he's never been through it, he knows the kids are my number one priority.

When my mum and dad divorced, we went to like this mediation thing and I remember the mediator saying to me 'It's not because your mum and dad don't love you. They love you very much! But sometimes mum and dad need to be happy and if they aren't happy together - and they're happy apart - then that's ok too'

I want to be happy again, but he (XH) seems to think I'm being selfish. He's already said to me 'Have a nice life with someone who can provide you with nights out without the kids' and pretty snarky, snide stuff.
The conversation we had last night painted me out to be the bad guy, a horrible and foul person who doesn't deserve happiness and to let him be controlling and manipulative.
I can't handle the manipulation, the controlling and the possessiveness anymore.. It's getting so suffocating!!

Hun, It's time. It's time to make moves, decisions and take action. Xh's actions, words, motives aren't out of love, the need to keep family together. He is doing it to control you, punish you for wanting to be happy, for striving for a better life for yourself and your babies.

It is time to get legal advice, it is time to make the calls to centrelink, call the dv hotlines (yes it's emotional abuse and yes that is domestic violence), it's time to take action and take the next steps.

I know you know this. I know you are scared of what's ahead, but dont let that stop you. We are here for you. :hug:

I'm not very active on BB anymore so I don't know any of your history, but I am going through the same thing. XP and I separated in June last year, and we still live together. He is sort of in denial about the separation, and does all the same stuff. Grabs me all the time, looks over my shoulder while I'm texting, refuses to move out. (I can't because I have the two kids and no job so how the heck would I get a rental??)
I delayed telling Centrelink about our separation for three months, but once I finally did, and contacted CHild Support at the same time, it really helped define the separation for me, and slightly more for him. Do it as soon as you can, it really helps, plus you get all these financial benefits.

Also try to be empathetic, he's losing everything and knows it. He doesn't want the separation, but you do, and he doesn't know what to do. He wants to fix everything and get everything back to how it was and only you can make it clear that it's over for good and that there's nothing he can do anymore.

My XP has his own room, which really helps, and we both let each other go out without interrogation. Sometimes he does ask me and make a bit of a fuss about where I'm going, but I just give vague responses, even if it's just my mum's house or something. It's all about creating boundaries.

Anyway, be strong and keep reminding yourself about why you've left him. It can get really confusing when you still live together, and the minute you get confused, it throws him a bone and will prevent him moving on and just tortures him really.

You need to get legal advice & get away. He has no right to do any of this.

I'm still legally married to ex. He lives with & has a baby with someone else. Its not cheating to me, because the relationship is well & truly over. But he was the same. He thought of marriage as ownership. I'm pretty sure he still thinks he owns me to a point :rolleyes:

This is the reason I'm in WA to start with. I left ex numerous times, but he wouldn't leave. He'd come back to my house & just not go anywhere. I was used & abused & had no way out of it.

You need to make it very clear now that its over if that's what you want. No blurred lines. Its over or its not. If its not clear to him that its over, it is unfair to be seeing someone else. You need to make it very clear, tell him you'll do as you like & that he now has NO right to question, or dictate anything you do. Same house or not, there needs to be boundaries. And he needs to accept them. Or you stay with someone else until you sort it all out. Including centrelink etc. You should be able to get a bond loan through the department of housing. They will loan you the full 4 weeks bond here in WA, plus the 2 weeks rent in advance & you pay them back at about $25 a fortnight.

When I came here it took 6 months for ex to stop trying to control me, & that was from the other side of the country! For 2 or 3 months of that he was seeing the girl he's with now! It took 2-3 months of that for ME to let go of HIS hold over me. That really wasn'e easy.

Just a quick one - I'm at work.

Just got to work after he dropped me off (I told him he just needed to take me to the train station so I could work)
2 things that ****ed me off on the drive.

1) I'm staying with a friend tonight after work. He wants to know where I am and why I'm staying there and 20 million other questions to which I ended up saying 'I don't need to report to you! We aren't together so I don't need to tell you squat (a different word was used there)

2) as I was getting out of the car, he asked for a kiss and I said 'really??'

I'm sick to death of this! I don't feel like I should have to answer to him! ARGH!!!!!

This is domestic violence DD. He is emotionally, verbally, socially and financially abusing you. It is not a normal relationship and he is not doing any of it because he cares about you. He is doing it to control you and keep you in line.

Also worth noting is that physical abuse is not only harming you but intimidating you - punching walls, throwing things, blocking access to people or places with his body - ie stopping you from getting to the children by standing in the doorway and not letting you past. Are all forms of physical violence.

There are ways out. If you want out now you CAN do it. It may not be pretty but it is worthwhile. I know this because Im living it now. It is daunting and so so scary but it is also wonderfully liberating. To be able to do what I want without being afraid of getting into trouble is so nice.

Call 1800 RESPECT - I used a different organisation but it is unfortunately QLD specific. 1800 RESPECT is national and they should be able to give you the numbers for who to call in WA to get you to safety. It doesnt have to be physical. Psychological safety is just as important.

You deserve better than this and so do your children.

I really need to thank you all for everything you've said.

I'm taking this all on board and I'm figuring out and sorting out stuff while I can.
It's only really dawned on me how much he's controlling and manipulating me - by things he says, his body language etc - and it's bout time I took a stand. He says he loves me and will fight for me back - but I know that he's only doing/saying it cause he wants to keep me on a leash, and only now I'm realising that it's not ok.

I need to do this. For me, and for my kids because if I'm not feeling happy or anything, then it'll affect them.

It wasn't til around the time DD3 was conceived/born that I realized just how abusive my relationship was. I was about 10 years in by then. I didn't know there were such things as financial/social abuse. I knew all about sexual/physical/emotional, but had never heard of other types of abuse before. I was living with all of them. There were so many times we had no rego on our car, were weeks behind in rent, or simply had NO food just because he took all his money & spent it before he came home. I wasn't allowed to work (I did, but was abused for it all the time). I was questioned when I did the food shopping!!

I would go to a friends house while DD1 was at school (he was away working) & he would count the hours he couldn't get hold of me for (no reception at her house), then I'd get 20+ abusive voice messages come through when I left.

You have the right to leave & you also have the right to take your children away from an environment that is not good for them. Its actually considered abuse to let your children live in an abusive environment (I don't know the details, but it is your duty to protect those who can't protect themselves. Not that I believe they're in any danger, but its something that may help you to know).

You just need to get to that point in your head, where you're ready to leave. Until then, you'll feel like there is no way out, but there is. You just need to want it bad enough.

Yep 5 years here. He was abusive from the very start. I just didnt see the red flags.

I agree with Clover. You have to be ready to be motivated enough to do it.

Well tonight ensured yet another argument.
Though this time I stood my ground... Granted I threw one of the kids balls at him (yeah probably shouldn't have done that but I'm just so sick of hearing the same stuff from him that I guess I just had to get it out somehow) and almost broke one of DDs bottles by squeezing the living day lights out of it - but with everything that happened, I just stormed out - my turn to this time.

Staying with friends tonight because I just can't bear to go back... Because tomorrow is supposed to be our 5th wedding anniversary >_<
Yeah, tomorrow's going to be great -_- (especially since now I gotta work Fri, Sat and Sunday and Fri I'm working with people that REALLY pushes my buttons)

Anyways, it's almost 1am and I just back from seeing The Hobbit so it's bed time.

:hug: DD

So I organised to catch up with friends on Sunday night, and hadn't had the chance to tell him.
He then confronts me and says 'Would have been nice for you to ask me instead of just going and organising it without me knowing and finding out through facebook'. So then I've already turned around to those friends and said I can't go cause XH doesn't want me to go. And now I may have lost a friend because of him because she's like 'You've got to stop letting him control and manipulate you!'

PLEASE, Money Gods, PLEASE help me out soon! I need to pay bills off and get myself a car so then I can save up for my own place.. I REALLY need it right now

Aww you ok?? Huge hugs he needs to stop this its getting worse not better. Is there any help you can get to move out hun? Message me anytime you need to talk here or on Facebook. Much love and hugs xx xx xx

Dd please call that number. There are people who can help you. You dont have to put up with this. :hug:

DD you need to call the helplines, they are there to help you and the kids. They can help with the money side of things, they can help with finding somewhere to go. Call them. You really need to. There are services there to help you, please take advantage of them and get yourself and your babies to safety and on the road to happiness. xo

they really do cover everything. They had a taxi pick me up at my house and take me to a hotel for the first night then another picked me up the next day and dropped me off at the train station. Dv connect paid for hotel, taxi and train fares. Then the refuge ladies picked me up at the other end and drove me to the refuge where they provided food for the first few days, clothes for me and the kids and anything else we needed. As it was over Christmas there was also heaps of donations of toys and food so we could enjoy our Christmas.
Everything is covered to make the safe exit for you and your kids as quick and smooth as possible.
Once you are in refuge they also help you to get centrelink, legal aid and housing sorted out and organise counselling for you and the kids.

It can be done. The hardest part is making the call.

Big hugs.

I don't get how they think they own us even though we're separated. I didn't see how controlling my situation was until I was out and looking back.

It's super hard at the beginning but it does get better. :hug::hug:

Thanks ladies.
Today is DDs birthday. I'm going to be civil with him till afterwards and then it's time to put all this stuff into motion

hugs hun. good luck. and happy birthday to Miss K.

Thinking of you hun. How did you go yesterday/ last night?

Thanks for thinking of me :)

Katherine's birthday went great. We were civil and polite.

We're starting to be that way too, which is good.
He said he's sorry he can't let go and how he wishes he could just let me go.

That, to me, is a good sign in itself really because he has acknowledged the fact were not together.

Girl, I say you should just be up front about it and tell him you want a divorce. Clearly you two have tried to reconcile and make things better, but unless you start seeing trust again in him or go to a marriage counsellor, you should cut the rope. There is no point in dragging it out. My sister got a divorce a few months ago, after a two year long separation. She always says she regrets not divorcing earlier. If you do decide to divorce, my sister says to use this website Thistoo - Your personal divorce assistant. I've never used it, so i can't vouch for it, but it's worth checking out online tools such as this one to make sure you know exactly what you're getting into. Good luck with everything! Hope it goes well.

Girl, I say you should just be up front about it and tell him you want a divorce. Clearly you two have tried to reconcile and make things better, but unless you start seeing trust again in him or go to a marriage counsellor, you should cut the rope. There is no point in dragging it out. My sister got a divorce a few months ago, after a two year long separation. She always says she regrets not divorcing earlier. If you do decide to divorce, my sister says to use this website Thistoo - Your personal divorce assistant. I've never used it, so i can't vouch for it, but it's worth checking out online tools such as this one to make sure you know exactly what you're getting into. Good luck with everything! Hope it goes well.