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Thread: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

  1. #1

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    Default Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    XH and I have been separated since June. Ok, more like 'on a break'.
    We 'got back together' bout a month later, but 6 weeks later I called for an official separation.

    I did it because I was unhappy in my marriage. Very little communication (he stopped talking to me so I stopped talking to him), wanted to show affection but because of me being unhappy, I didn't want it. Didn't like to buy me anything that wasn't necessary (before Christmas, I can't tell you the last time he got me anything nice - like a small bunch of flowers just because)

    Fast forward, one month into the separation. Bout early September. A good and long time male friend and I start seeing each other as more than friends. I had a little crush on him years ago - before XH even came into the picture. We started going on dates, spending a heap of time together on the days I was away from the kids (XH had the kids Tuesday night, Wed + Thur, I had them Fri - Monday night) to the point that we really do like and care for each other. We agreed that we could say that we said we're seeing each other just before Christmas.

    Fast forward to now. XH is all lovey dovey, wants to work things out etc. He then flys off his handle after Christmas because he finds out I've been seeing this friend of mine. Ok, so I'll admit I should have told him instead of him going through my messages on Facebook (which he's done to me on numerous occasions - and the reason both of my Facebook accounts had been deactivated at some point or another) and reading the messages to each other.
    But, now he's making me feel guilty cause he's giving me the 'we're still legally married so it's technically cheating' thing. Is it cheating? I was under the impression that being separated means not together therefore not having to answer to him and beig able to find myself and being happy again while it's my time off.

    After all that, he still wants to work on it. He's been here for a week straight - and I don't know how much longer I can put up with him.
    The first couple of days were fine, and he's now getting so possessive - won't let me go out (like he used to do), wants to know who I'm talking to to make sure it's not my friend, comes into the bathroom ALL THE TIME when I'm having a shower, still expects to sleep in the same bed, sits over my shoulder to read what I'm looking at on my phone - all this is just driving me away because I'm feeling too controlled, claustrophobic and just all round confined!!



    So, I guess what I want to know is how do I tell him (without breaking his heart more than I already have) that I just want to be alone (well with the kids) and live on my own for a while??

    Sorry it's long - took a while to type on my phone.

  2. #2

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    I think you just need to be honest with him. Yes it will prob hurt him, but not as much as him believing there is chance of reconciliation, and him trying to get that, if you have no interest in doing the same.

    Personally I think you are on different pages, and discussion, no matter how hard it is, needs to be had so you are on the same page..

  3. #3

    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Are you still seeing your friend. ? Is there a possible future for the both if you ?

    Why is your ex husband living with you again ? Did you agree to try again ?

  4. #4

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Sit down with him and tell him everything you just told us about wanting to be alone. Your relationship is not going to work. You have already moved on mentally and physically. Can I ask though, if he is showing signs of trying to control you, do you think having a 3rd person there might be a good idea? He sounds like he is not ready to give up on the marriage and I would hate for the truth to hit hm hard and he react in a unsafe way.

  5. #5

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    I agree with the others. Tell him this, let him read it if he hasn't already. But get the courage to tell him because his behaviour right now is not on, it's abusive and it needs to stop now!

  6. #6

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Omg huni. Im so angry hes gone through your fb. Thats to far. Its control huni. I think you need to tell him its over and why. Him acting like this will push you away quicker and faster than anything. You ok??? Huge hugs and love. Pm me anytime here or on fb. Xxx

  7. #7

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Agree he has no right to look through your fb anytime let alone now you aren't together or control you. Sounds like you need him to move out again as he is trying to control you again.

  8. #8

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    He is/was your husband - that doesn't give him the right to control every move you make. Did he move back in because you agreed on a reconciliation? were/are you still in a relationship with your friend? If I was still seeing the other friend then I dont think its fair to be back with hubby but if you are separated and know that it is not going to work then you need to have the conversation with him.

  9. #9

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    He/I/We are only staying under the same roof because neither of us can afford to move out ourselves.
    My dad wants me to start paying board when I stay there (which I think is fair enough because I do eat food there etc) but I can't afford what they want me to pay. DS is starting school (Kindy) and I don't want to move outside the boundary lines because that means he'll 'keep the kids'
    He's already said (while being pretty nasty bout stuff) that he'll let me see the kids when he says so. I said over my dead body and that I'd be taking them with me when I do eventually move out.

    The house is under both our names, but he's the one who pays the mortgage (as he keeps reminding me) so I said that once I've saved up enough cash (not easy to do when I get stuff all work) I'll get my own place.
    I'd have to save up enough cash for new furniture too, but if it's what I need to do, then so be it.
    The friend, the one I'm seeing, he (and I in a sense) have already talked bout where we see this going - and I see it turning into a full blown relationship. And right now, that's what I want. I don't want this 'fighting every single day' or 'looking over my shoulder to see who's messaging me' or '20 million questions on who's messaging me, what I'm doing etc'
    I think that if I moved out to a place of my own (with or without the kids) that I can get the peace and serenity without him constantly around (well without anyone constantly around!) and just be able to become who I wanted to be again (without XH making me feel bad about seeing this guy)

    And sorry, original post was made on my phone and I read the replies on my phone - but wanted to wait till I was online before I replied

  10. #10

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Why is he going through your message? There is obviously no trust on his part. I would lay it out for him

  11. #11

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    You need to get some legal advice ASAP! That way when he gets nasty and makes threats about the kids or money you will know where your stand regarding your rights. You also need to get out of there! Go to Centrelink and find out your entitlements. You may find you can afford to leave with some assistance. You may need to move to a cheaper area - outside the current school zone - but that doesn't automatically let XH "keep" the kids. Get to a lawyer (legal aid?) NOW!

  12. #12

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Why should he think he can keep the kids? I wish i was near by id move you and them in with us seriously. I think you need help. Is there any help financially to help you move?? Look into it huni. How are you doin? *mwah* xxxx

  13. #13

    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    I second the legal advice. NOW. The longer you leave it, the more you risk doing something inadvertently that disadvantages you when it comes to settlement/custody. And the longer you leave talking to Centrelink, the longer it is til you get any benefits.

    If I were you, I'd be focussing more on resolving your marriage (either way) than on a new relationship. If he's the right guy, he'll still be there down the track. Take some time to sort out your own feelings and look after yourself before complicating things with another person.

    Bug hugs

    Eta not just bug hugs, but big hugs too! :s
    Last edited by surprised; January 7th, 2014 at 04:12 PM.

  14. #14

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Change your passwords, lock your phone with a PIN, delete your browsing histories & caches on the computer and use an incognito browser every time you go online. Information is energy and energy is power. So when he's disrespecting that boundary he is asserting a claim over your personal power. That's not ok.

  15. #15

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    I cant see where you're located, but in nsw at least, the department of housing provide you with the bond for your house if you choose to rent privately (obviously only for those who have a lower income and are in need to move asap). That's what we did 3 years ago when we moved out.. and would centerlink be able to help moneywise? Are you registered as separated? You may be able to get payments that can then help you afford to move out and get your own place and possibly advances to help you afford your own furniture (obviously second hand stuff - but it's a start!)

    I also really think you need legal advise and to get out hun! Not healthy!

  16. #16

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    I cant believe he told you he would decide when you see the kids! even if the house was just in his name Im pretty sure if it was sold he has to give you at least half. I think my friend got 70% even though it was in his name and and he worked and she didn't as she was raising the kids at home. If the house was sold hopefully that might give you some money to set yourself up a bit. I would also hold off on the new relationship. Things are already complicated and their is alot to think about and do with kids in a marriage break up. I also agree with the others about centrelink and the help they can probably provide you.

  17. #17

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Replying on my phone so it won't be long.

    I've already talked to the guy I was seeing and said I just need time for myself and the kids now. He's already said he's happy to wait because although he's never been through it, he knows the kids are my number one priority.

    When my mum and dad divorced, we went to like this mediation thing and I remember the mediator saying to me 'It's not because your mum and dad don't love you. They love you very much! But sometimes mum and dad need to be happy and if they aren't happy together - and they're happy apart - then that's ok too'

    I want to be happy again, but he (XH) seems to think I'm being selfish. He's already said to me 'Have a nice life with someone who can provide you with nights out without the kids' and pretty snarky, snide stuff.
    The conversation we had last night painted me out to be the bad guy, a horrible and foul person who doesn't deserve happiness and to let him be controlling and manipulative.
    I can't handle the manipulation, the controlling and the possessiveness anymore.. It's getting so suffocating!!

  18. #18

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Hun, It's time. It's time to make moves, decisions and take action. Xh's actions, words, motives aren't out of love, the need to keep family together. He is doing it to control you, punish you for wanting to be happy, for striving for a better life for yourself and your babies.

    It is time to get legal advice, it is time to make the calls to centrelink, call the dv hotlines (yes it's emotional abuse and yes that is domestic violence), it's time to take action and take the next steps.

    I know you know this. I know you are scared of what's ahead, but dont let that stop you. We are here for you.

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