My sleeping angel

This is my first post - today my little boy, my sleeping angel, Cooper Nathan, would have been 4 weeks old. Cooper was born sleeping on 28 November 2006 at 37 weeks.

Life is so cruel and I don't understand it - my husband and I had been trying for a baby for 2 years when we finally fell pregnant and then at 37 weeks my baby was taken from me. I had a routine ultrasound and was told the devasting news that there was no heartbeat. I thought I could feel him, that he was moving. This is our first child so I don't know what I should be feeling but I thought Cooper was moving. I have so many questions - what kind of a mother am I to not know something was wrong? Why me? Why anyone? How does this happen? Why does this happen? - No-one should ever have to bury their own child. No-one should have to go through this at all.

I cry and talk to Cooper every single day and just hope that he is not lonely. Sometimes I think that he is still here - just asleep in his cot - and wait to hear him cry....... How do you get through each day, each hour? I just want one more hold, to hear one cry.

My husband and I wrote this poem in loving memory of our cherished son

Waited so long
Then you were made
Our precious little angel
Memories will never fade

You were a miracle in our eyes
A new tiny life
Why couldn't you stay
Instead of saying your goodbyes

A glimmer of hope
Gone to soon
You're up there Coop
With the stars and moon

Didn't hear your cries
Or hear your screams
You'll always live long
In our dreams

It was a cord accident - the cord was around his neck. I know how Cooper passed away but still don't understand why it happens and how it happens and how it can't happen again.

Dear Lynn,

I am so sorry to hear of your devastating loss, your beautiful Copper Nathan.

I have no words, but I have tears streaming down my cheeks.

What a beautiful poem you & hubby wrote to Cooper.

He will be looking down on you & I am sure that he will send you a little brother or sister for him to watch over.

im crying, your poem was beautiful. :hug:

Dear Lynn

I felt the deep sadness and dispair in every word you wrote. The poem by your husband is the most treasured gift a father could give his son and Cooper is such a wonderful name. The tears I have for you and your little angel baby seem insufficient.

I too am traveling this horrible journey at the moment, it is 11 weeks and 3 days since I lost my son Harrison at 36weeks 2days. He was my first son also, and I don't think that DH and I could have possibly imagined how painful this hurt is. It is ok to feel, it is all you can do at the moment, just allow yourself to scream, to cry, to just be. You will make it through this. Please just know that I will do anything I possibly can to help you through the dark days ahead.

Just know that you are not alone and that your dear little son Cooper is in my thoughts and my heart.

Take care sweety, we are all here for you.
:hugs:
Spring Angel

Oh Lynn - I am so sorry to read about Cooper :crying:

I know all too well what you are going through and my heart goes out to you at this time, especially with Christmas. This period has been so tough and has brought out so many emotions in not only myself but others on BB. I lost my son Nicholas at 36w1d on 5 September this year due to a blood clot that developed in the placenta. Like you I question every single day WHY????? There is no reason, apparently it is "bad luck"! Like you, Nicholas was my first baby and he always will be - just like Cooper will always be your first baby.

The only way to get through is to live each day at a time, and don't expect too much of yourself - to have gotten through that last four weeks shows how much strength and courage you have. There are days where it seems to get easier and you think you can pick yourself up and move forward but then the next day comes and kicks your feet out from under you and your left feeling empty, angry, numb, sad, confused, and any other emotion you can think of in one hit.

I think without having carried a baby you cannot realise the bond you feel with every kick and hiccup and elbow you get, I know I never did beforehand. It is very hard for people to understand what you are going through, before it happened to me I couldn't even fathom first of all losing my baby, and then after the shock and agony of finding out they are gone but to then be told you now have to give birth to your baby. The mental anguish you go through in the birth process feeling like you are going through all this pain for "nothing" is unimaginable. Just know that you do have something to show for it - You are Mummy to a beautiful little angel baby and your gift to him was his birth, and in return he will be watching over you for all of eternity.

You have come to the right place, without the beautiful women of BB I don't know how I would have gotten through. Sadly, I do understand so much what you are going through and if you ever need anything please feel free to email me.

I will be thinking of you, DH and darling little Cooper :hugs:

Love Mel

Hi Lynn,

I am so sorry for your loss of Cooper. I too am travelling this horrid journey, having lost my first daughter on 28th September. I too thought I felt her moving up to the morning we found out she had passed. I could have sworn I felt her stretching, even the day before when my DP arrived to be with me for her delivery. However, it turned out she had passed at least the day before DP arrived. We have no reason as to why she passed.

Please know you have found a good place to come and talk about how you are feeling, you are right it should never happen to anyone.

I am thinking of you, and your DP at this time.

Love
Sarah

Im so sorry for your loss the poem is beautiful brought tears to my eyes.. Cooper is a beautiful name that is the name we had picked for our Angel baby Cooper John..:hug: to you both..

Lynn I am so sorry for the loss you & your DH have suffered in losing your precious son, Cooper. I lost my 3rd son (& 2nd angel baby) in March this year from a cord accident (he had managed to tie a knot in his cord & then wrap it around his neck 4 times hence tightening the knot & starving himself) & it is such a devastating thing to go through.

I am sending you my deepest condolences & am always here if you need to chat. Also please feel free to email me if you like.

Lyn sweety,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son Cooper. I am praying for you to have strength and for his little soul. Big hugs to you.

Lisa

Lyn,
I'm so sorry for your loss of your beautiful baby Cooper, its hard to believe that life can be so cruel. Big hugs to you.
Bec

me and my sister-in-law have just sat and read your story and poem and found it very moving. to go through something like this must be devistating and hurt alot. but our deepest thoughts and love are with you forever. reading your poem nearly brought tears to my eye's but i held them back because i am strong which is what you need to be, strong it is the only way you will carry on. with your husband,family friends and all of us on here you are bound to build your stenght up again. with all our love

kirsty and danielle
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm so sorry to read about the loss of your little man Cooper.

I have a sleeping angel as a result of a cord accident as well. Zac was born in April this year at 15.5 weeks gestation with his cord wrapped tightly around his neck.

Please don't be down on yourself. You have done nothing wrong. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but you will get through this. There will be good days and bad days and lots of memories and feelings to deal with. Talk about it if that is what you want to do, cry about it if that is what you need.

Take heart that others here understand your pain and can help you when the going gets tough.

Lisa

Lynn, what a devastating thing to happen, little Cooper is now your angel watching from above over you and your husband. Look after each other. It is such a difficult time but each day you will gain a little strength to carry on.
Hugs from all over BB are coming your way.

Lynn,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, but know your Angel Cooper is up with the other angels and is not alone. He watches over you everyday!!
Take all the time you need to grieve, it has almost been a yr since we lost our daughter Chloe due to my waters breaking prematurely and I still have my weeks. Dont put a time on it, take it hour by hour and no more and don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling and when you should be feeling it.

Sending you lots of love.
Shazz
xx

Hi Lynn

Just wanted to pop in and see how you are holding up.

Just know that all of us are thinking of you .

Take care sweety :hug:

Spring Angel

Lynn,
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling and the terrible loss of Cooper.
This time of year makes things all the more painful.
Cord accidents are very rare but sadly they do happen. The chances of this happening again are so very very slim my love... That is no consolation now but just in answer to your question.
Please lean on all of the wonderful women in here. Sadly many of us know some of the pain you are feeling. You will survive this horrible time. Always will you hold Cooper in your heart but this terrible raw grief in time fades to a pain more manageable.
I am sending you lots of love and hugs... :hug:

Thank you Spring Angel for seeing how I am and thank you to everyone that replied to my message. It is so sad to see that so many people are going through this devasting experience but it is also comforting to know that so many people care and that there are people to talk to that are feeling how I am feeling.

Before I was pregnant, friends would say that once you are past the first 12 weeks, you are safe - this I have experienced first hand is not true. After reading so many other stories it is definitely not true. Have a healthy crying baby in your arms is truely a miracle and one day I hope to experience such joy and happiness.

I still don't know how I get through each day - it is like a horrible nightmare that I can't wake up from. It just doesn't feel real and I just want the pain to go away. I know that the pain will never go away but will it ever ease? I just feel numb. The only thing that keeps me going each day is thinking of my precious little boy and know that I would have been a great mummy to him - i miss him dearly.

It is true that once you experience the loss of a child, the innocence of pregnancy is lost. I had complications throughout my entire pregnancy so I never got the "your at 12 weeks" all clear, but I never thought it would end in the loss of my child. It really just isn't discussed or even something that we are educated about, so when it happens you feel like the only person in the world, like your body has failed you and your baby. But you are not the only person sweety. Unfortunately there are many of us, but just talking about it and realising that there are absolute strangers out there just like me who care so much about you, will help you get throught the dark days.

I see from your signature that it was a month yesterday since Cooper became an angel. How did you go hun? I am 12 weeks today and it seems like only a moment ago that the doctor told me he was gone.

I guess we just have to play with the hand that we are dealt but that doesn't change the fact that it is just plain unfair.

We will get through this together. A mother who lost her baby at 40 weeks told me recently this and it is one of those things that I keep remembering

"no matter what anyone tells you about being a new mum, the tiredness, the dirty nappies, the crying, being a mummy to an angel baby is the toughest job in the world and we would never sleep another moment in our lifetime, to have our babies with us"

I know that you would have been and are a wonderful mummy to Cooper. I am sure that my angel baby Harrison and all the other angel babys are looking after him.

:hugs:

When this first happened to me, I thought I was the only person that it has happened to. I have alot of friends who have had babies with no problems at all, and thought that is how it is. I keep asking myself, why me? I know there will never be an answer because it shouldn't be anyone and why we are picked is just so unfair.

Yesterday was not a good day - I kept thinking about what I would have been doing if things had turned out differently. I can't believe it has been 1 month already - it feels like yesterday when this nightmare started. How have you got through the past 12 weeks? How have you been today?

That quote is so true - how we only wish for dirty nappies and constant crying.

Lynn, I can't even imagine the pain you and your family must be feeling after the loss of your little man. Cooper will always be with you, know matter where you are....in your thoughts, dreams and heart...he will remain FOREVER.

Take Care. X

Lynn

I wish i could give you a huge big hug... To struggle for two years to conceive and then fall pregnant and have your little man taken away at 37 weeks is so cruel... In time you will find strength ... my prayers are with you..

love leis x

Lynn,

I'm so sorry to hear that little Cooper is not with you. Be gentle with yourself. It is a long journey that you are on. I lost my son almost three years ago and somedays the pain is still very raw and real. The best advice that was given to me was to just let it be, feel everything and allow it. If you need to cry, cry, if you need to be angry then so be it, if you want to talk about Cooper, then do. Everything that you are feeling is right. There will always be 'I wonders' and 'what ifs' and the longing to have Cooper with you will always be there. Hugs, I'm thinking of you.

hello lynn, so sorry to hear of ur loss. Im sure ur lil :angel: Cooper is looking down at u, and will be a guide thru out ur life with much love. My thoughts and :pray:'s r with u and ur husband as well as ur family. Take care....allow urself to grieve :hugs:

Bye

Lynn I only just saw this post. I spoke to you on phone late last year after Copper passed away and again wish in a way we never met you in these circumstances.

It is hard for people to understand what one goes through unless they experience it themselves.. Our lives seem to drag on slowly, while everyone else is going on as normal... you feel cheated and cannot believe what has happened.. Why me?? wishing you can wake up, as if it were a bad dream.

Tears tremble with every heartbeat ... every pregnant women and crying baby (or not) we see... the TV shows the horrible news stories they eat at us.It is not fair.

But two years later I can say it does get better- you do move on with normal living but a part of you is forever missing and the emptyness of not having Charlotte in my real life remains.

The worst time is the first year /six months but slowly I can honestly say things do get better.I sought out beautiful friends who experienced the loss of a baby too.They say the sympathy with others runs out but never with special friends.They tell the truth and are an inspiration in darkest hours/days/months. They help lessen the pain. With them I am Charlotte's mummy and I can talk openly about her.I can laugh and talk delight in the sign and wonders she sends me.

:heartbeat: Trish
"~♥~ DD Charlotte Rose 1/9/04 26wks ~♥~"
Samuel & Joel God's Gifts 1st July 06

Dear Lynn,
Thank you for sharing your and Cooper's story, and the beautiful poem. I am so very sorry. I lost my dd at 18 weeks, over 3 years ago. I read a book several months later on "stillbirth and neonatal death", which was very helpful (I think that may have been the title). It was written by 2 people from SANDS. It may sound strange but one of the most reassuring things I read was not to expect to "get over it". That was very comforting to me, because the idea that i might forget her and not feel the pain of her loss, seemed horrible to me. Although I still feel it, what happens is that the very acute pain passes and it does get easier over time. I saw that you posted elsewhere about ttc. I was advised to wait 6 weeks, until the uterus had fully involuted. In fact we fell pg again on the weekend of her due date. I wanted to try right away, but it took a little time to fall. Looking back, I think that was good. It would have been hard if our next baby (Simon) had been due on or near the date we lost her. Since you were ttc for 2 years before, you may not want to lose any time, but keeping Cooper's birth date or due date "for him" might be something to consider. Please do what seems right to you, and I think that applies to everything in your life right now. If you want to tell more of your story do that (one of the hardest things for me was that I wanted to talk about it and very few wanted to know what happened), if you need to cry a lot then do that. We had a funeral for our dd and I went to the cemetery as often as I wanted in weeks after. I still go regularly but not quite as often. It also helped to get up very early in the morning and walk when it was very quiet. Finally, it helped me to watch totally non-thinking movies such as Austin Powers and Legally Blonde. I was able to laugh at them and somehow that helped me get me feelings out.
I hope that posting on this forum will help you too.
Lots of love and hugs your way.

Thanks Greeneyes. It will be 6 weeks tomorrow since I lost Cooper. I can't believe it has been that long - it seems likes yesterday. The pain is still so strong. It did take us a long time with Cooper so we don't want to lose any time, so we thought it would be best to start soon. Like someone said, I am not replacing him, just the whole in my heart. Cooper could never be replaced - he is my first son, my first baby who I love and miss so dearly.

We have Cooper's ashes with us at home until his garden is ready at the cemetry. (We are waiting on the plaques). I got into his room every morning and say good morning and talk to him and turn his musical mobile on. I didn't want Cooper to be alone, that is why we brought him home until his garden is ready but now I don't know if I can let him go again.

I think its so lovely that you have cooper at home with you. I love that you turn on his mobile each morning. Cooper will never be alone. He will comfort you & warm your heart forever. I imagine that its hard now to think of his memorys as warming your heart, but he is your child & all children are created to warm our hearts. Be sure to tell all his future brothers & sisters about him. Make him a part of your life, just as you would if he was still here with you.

Massive Hugs to you & your DH. Hold on to Cooper as long as you want him with you. Don;t feel as though you have to take him to his garden before you are ready.

oh sweetheart I have obnly read this now, I sually dont read these because they are such renching stories. But I did want to tell you Cooper is a very beautiful, special little man. He's keeping all the Angels busy as I can see him being very popular up there. What a beautiful soul this little being has.

I could never imagine having to go through what you and your hubbie had to go through. Words could never describe that pain. And I feel so sad to think you had to endure such a pain.


I am sititng here with tears welling up.

This is another little soul I will happily light a pure white candle for and say a prayer that his spirit will lighten the whole world over.


He's all but away on his own mission sweetie, but never out of heart or a loving thought.


Love to you and your hubbie!

Lynn - I hope that Julieruth responds to your query. I imagine it's pretty tough reading that post and not understanding what it means. When it is your baby someone is talking about you want answers and clarification and it is not too much to expect really.

:crossfingers: for a speedy response.

Love Mel :hug:

Lynn I too hope you get the answer you are asking for in regards to your precious son, it must be a bit freaky to get a post like that.

Lynn, I'm so sorry to hear about this awful thing that has happened to you and your family. Although nothing I can ever say will make the pain better, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, as well as your family and little Cooper.

Take care of yourself sweetheart.

I'm so very very sorry for the loss of your precious angel Cooper :hugs: I'm glad that your DH is there to support you, btw that poem brought tears to my eyes too.

Julieruth, I am so very sorry for the loss of your little Angel Dehlia. I too know how much this pain hurts. BB is a forum where we come to provide support and encouragement to women who have lost children. Some only recently or some years ago but no matter the time, the pain remains.

This is such an emotionally harrowing time in our lives and we are entitled to feel safe amongst the BB ladies. The post above is a little concerning. I know you may be trying to help Lynn, but I have to be honest, if you had said that you had visions of Harrison I would be terribly upset and offended. This may bring you comfort, but I guess it is important to realise that some people do not chose to believe in this sort of thing and it is very upsetting and posts like this rear many horrible emotions.

I am only telling you this to be honest and so that all the ladies who visit BB, including you, continue to feel that this is a safe place full of unconditional support.

With friendship
Spring

I'm so sorry for your loss. I cant even begin to imagine how you and DP must be feeling. My heart goes out to you.

The poem is absolutely beautiful and made me cry when I was reading it.
xo

I totally agree with Spring, we have to be mindful of what we say to people going through so much grief. It takes so much emotion and energy just trying to make sense of these tragedies, and as mothers the emotions hit us more directly than others - the fact is there is no sense in losing our babies, no matter what the circumstances or "reasons". Personally, all I know is that our babies should be here on earth with us, and that is all I want to know. What we need is, as Spring said, unconditional support, and to realise occasionally it is best to leave some things unsaid.

:

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Julieruth, I am so very sorry for the loss of your little Angel Dehlia. I too know how much this pain hurts. BB is a forum where we come to provide support and encouragement to women who have lost children. Some only recently or some years ago but no matter the time, the pain remains.

This is such an emotionally harrowing time in our lives and we are entitled to feel safe amongst the BB ladies. The post above is a little concerning. I know you may be trying to help Lynn, but I have to be honest, if you had said that you had visions of Harrison I would be terribly upset and offended. This may bring you comfort, but I guess it is important to realise that some people do not chose to believe in this sort of thing and it is very upsetting and posts like this rear many horrible emotions.

I am only telling you this to be honest and so that all the ladies who visit BB, including you, continue to feel that this is a safe place full of unconditional support.

With friendship
Spring

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i never said i had visions,i dont have visions i said she woul have more children and they would be fine

[QUOTE=julieruth;805589]i never said i had visions,i dont have visions i wanted to say i felt lynn would have more babies and they would all be born healthy and fine and that she shouldnt worry about losing any more because she wont ,all her children will be fine and very healthy and she will get to take them all home but thinking back i should have said nothing,but yea she need not worry julie