FT work = ? what time Mum???

I have been stewing on this for a few days & figured this is possibly the best place to post this??? But anyone feel free to move it!?


On the weekend my Mum commented to me that my older sister had said, that "Tracey wont know what hit her having to be at home with the kids!"

I looked stunned & said to my Mum "What does she mean by that?"

Mum said "Well you work Full Time!"

I said "Yeah but I never worked til Maddy was 4yrs of age & at 4yr old kinder, during which time I was a single Mother.." & OK I lived with Mum & Dad for the first 2 yrs, but they both worked Full Time Jobs & so I was at home with Maddison, cooking meals for them & doing all their housework etc...
Then we moved into our own place, I was home alone with her for another 2 yrs!

When I said all of this, still confused at what my sister had maybe trying to get at...

Mum says "well living with us would have helped, we did help & then when you moved into your own place Maddy was already 2yrs & so old enough to be a bit independent!"

I said "She had a hubby that worked afternoons at the time & split shifts as a head chef & so he was home alot more during the day than alot of other hubbies & when her second child came along her son was 4 so also a bit independent!"

Mum just shrugged...

Then I said "I was at home with Indah til she was 6months before returning to work, I looked after her everyday by myself coz DH was at work & took Maddy to school, so I dont see what she is getting at?"

Mum then said "Your DH helps a hell of alot more thah my sisters hubby!"

I just shook my head & said well who's fault is that!?

As I am waiting to hear from HR regarding my return to work being a few hours in the evenings (which will suit us) so I am home daily with the kids, I am really stunned, shocked & confused at what type of point my sister was saying to Mum!?

Do they think coz Mum's work to help put a roof over their kids heads & food on the table, some extar entertianment & fun things coz we have a few extra pennies etc, that we are less of a Mother!???

I saw my sister yesterday & although I feel insulted by her comments to my Mum, I listened to her tell me how broke they are & bored she is & that she's got nothing to do..
Both kids now at school & she used to Nanny for me but decided she didnt wnat to look after kids & basically has half a$$ed looked for work since then, was offered a few part time jobs but she didnt take them at the time...

My best friend assured me I am a great Mum & then said, that maybe she just has a problem that I am being both!???

I'd like to know what others think, if we work Fulltime are we not also Mothers!????

Pfffttt to your mum Trace. I now know how fric$en hard it is working fulltime and being a mummy. Just because you work fulltime does not mean you are any less of a mother then your sister. If she chooses to stay home then complains then thats her problem. I'm sorry but I make no apologies for our choices, so why should you feel bad for yours. Your kids still know who their mummy is and totally love and adore you so why feel bad that your just providing a better life financially for them. Being a mummy is all instinct and you know you'll have no probs being home with Zyon and Indah. :nana: to your mum!!

:hug: Thanks Kirsty!!!

Yeah I have not felt bad, as I know I earn alot more than Dh & if I wasnt working we'd have to sell house, car & bike & go back to renting & be trying to make ends meet, we'd be not as happy as we are now (I know that)..

I just wondered where the heck it had come from & why would she say that when she worked part time with her kids & often sleep overs with her kids on Friday nights (as a Private nanny)..

Now she sits at home day in day out as they dont ahve spare cash for her to do anyting & she isnt REALLY looking for workn & I just wonder if she's maybe got some green eyed monster on her shoulder!

Dh & I talked about it alst night & we are happy where we are & the kids are both happy & loved & cared for & I have the luxury of leaving work at the drop of a hat!!! If my kids need me!!!

Thanks Hun!!!! I know your right!

oh come on. I think someone may be a tad jealous. You know you're a great mum and we all know that too. It will be a bit of a shock to your system to be able to be at home everyday for a few months but you will LOVE it!!! And so will the kiddies :D

I get all sort of comments becuase I work FT. Not usually from family though.

I was in tears on the way to work one morning recently, because a SAHM (and I know a lot of you lovely BBers are SAHMS, so I am not generalising at all) called up and said women shouldn't have kids if they don't plan to stay at home full time, and what sort of parents are they, how dare they bring a child into the world as an "accessory".

It was a full on tirade. Neither of the presenters really challenged her, nor did anyone ring up with a different opinion (and I was stuck in the car unable to ring!).

I guess it just comes down to us knowing inside at we're great mums who do everything we can for our kids.

I can't believe other mothers judge others for whether they work, stay at home or what. We should all be supportive of each others decisions, especially being your own sister Tracey. Its a personal choice and these days finance also plays a part, not everyone can afford to be a SAHM.
At the moment I'm on mat leave but plan to return part time to work just so I can get that balance, everyone just needs to do whats right in their situation and respect their decisions.
If your sister is so broke and bored why doesn't she go look for some work? I think she just makes all these comments about you because she is jealous.

You need special "sister" earplugs Trace - don't let her get to you.

I agree shellbell...

Dh said to me last night in his matter of factly voice...

"Hun, they still paying off their Cruise which is about 15months ago on thier credit card, I think she just jealous we can do both!)

(He is balinese so i like to write it as he says it!!)

FFS Tracey. Don't you ever question yourself, and if you do I'll come around and beat you with a celery stick for being so silly (and I know where you live!) LOL.

Although really you're not questioning yourself at all, you're questioning why they're saying what that are.

And, TBH I think they can't see why they can't have it all and you can. Go kick their butts honey. And I agree with Lulu - you need "sister" earplugs!

Hmm, Maybe I'll shove some solid eggs in my ears when I leave work...

Thanks!!! :hug:

If you shove a whole bag full in your ears Tracey, I really will be on my way over! LOL


ETA: I see you've changed Zyon's middle name. Will have to check out yr pg thread to find the story about that. :)

Tracey,

I think that your a great mum. I think its a personal choice and if it happens that you have to work or chose to work then whose business is it other than your own. I agree with Shellbell, women should be more understanding of each other and be more supportive . I think every mother, SAHM or working fulltime has issues and problems, but also find joys and happiness in different things. Its what fits best for your family and what is the best for your family.

I'm coming to the sad realisation that people who often question your decisions are really questioning their own choices and they are jealous that you have been strong enough to reach that particular decision!

So maybe Tracey your sister is just jealous that your together enough to realise what is best for your family, and that maybe she missed that boat :lol:

Its so annoying that other people must make comment on things they don't really know anything about! And being your own sister makes it a bit worse...oh and your mum standing up for her! :doh:

Tracey - you seem to be having a nasty run with your family lately! i agree with Bron - i think a lot of the time when comments are made about your choices in life it's a reflection of dissatisfaction of their own choices.

you are a great mum, and choosing to work doesn't mean you are any less of a mum than a SAHM. it's not about the volume of time you spend with your children (and from what you're saying, you're working your hours out so that you and DH have as much time with your kids as possible) - it's the way that time is spent. it really sounds as though your sister is just bored over where her life is at the moment, and sour grapes can be pretty ugly!

and as for your mum backing her up, maybe there's still some sour grapes from the last lot of issues...

Tracey,

They say that mother's who work (whether part time, full time, casual or even volunteering) set better examples to their children because they can see you (and your DH) trying to support and provide for the family. It also shows that when they decide to have children with their future partners, they won't be afraid of having children because it shouldn't get in the way of your their and lifestyle. In fact children should compliment it.

I'm juggling full time work as an office manager, a baby and part time uni while trying to pay off debts so that we can buy our own place in this dam expensive property market. I personally work because I need my own space from baby. It's not to say I don't love Andrew - a happy mother = a happy child.

The decision you make is between you and DH. If the rest of the world (including your family) doesn't support your decision and has a go at you, give them 50c and tell them to go to a pay phone and tell someone who cares. I get it alot for not being the stay-a-home-mum like my MIL was, but to be honest I don't have time to listen to her cos I have too many other things to do like get to work!

I'm sure your doing a great job - your babies are healthy and happy and I think that's all that matters :)

I say im a full time mum and wife. And i do a damn good job if i say so myself.....

Its hard work rasing kids, looking after a house and looking after urself and hubby too!!

Here here Kim!!

oh i went thru a patch of questioning my time at work VS time at home, but i also believe by working i can provide what i need to for Jaykob and i cherish the time we are together so much!

(thats not to say SAHM's dont - just my situation)

If i wasnt working, we couldnt have bought the house or his motorbike which he loves and i get to see him happy with his surroundings when i come home. And those hugs you get when you DO get home are awesome!

Tracey, dont let them get to you - i also sense jealousy and perhaps in all your sisters "boredom" she needs something to gossip / whinge about??? :)

Trace I agree with your DH ..perhaps a little case of the green eyed monster. And as you know being a fellow working mum ..the house work is no less when you work ...just there when you get home after you have spent time with the kids before putting htem to bed. And as we both know working and staying at home both come with their own stresses!. But the fun of being a fulltime stay at home mum outweighs work anyday :-).

I know how wonderful a mummy you are to the girls while holding down a fulltime job ....really does sound like green eyed monster. Still hurts I know...maybe try and take it as a compliment as she clearly thinks (KNOWS!)you are great!

I hear you - I cant believe the judgement that comes from other mothers (or mothers to be). we all need to make our choices and do what is right for us and our families - emotionally, physically, financially etc. I am expecting in Sept and intend to take 6 months off (I may take more or less depending how i actually feel when it all happens!) - my career means a lot to me, and I earn v good money and I get a lot of satisfaction from my job - but i have no idea how motherhood will chg that and I also know not everyone feels the same way about working... i think we all need to do what feels right for us as this will make the happiest and most rounded home for our children (and marriages, familial relations, friendships etc). I never judge or feel any way twds mums who do go to work, dont go to work etc as I honestly think we all need to do what is best for us and what works in our situatins. However, I find the 'judgement' seems to always go the way of SAHM (only some!) judging working mums, it is v politically incorrect to say anything the other way... and that FRUSTRATES me.
The other thing is a lot of this comes from men, many of my DH friends seem to expect that their wives (and me) should stay home - and these are women who prior to being preg had extremely highpowered and succesful careers. we are thinking of trying me working 4 days and DH working 4 days if both employers will allow - and his friends think he has lost the plot!

Thanks everyone...
I used to enjoy working til I had Indah, but the commebts do hurt...

But I think now when i hear negativity I'm just gonna tell myself they are jealous!

Thats right Tracey, they are jealous! Your a great mum, who does what is needed for her family. They probably wish that could be half the great mummy that you are!

Shucks Bron..... LOL... You made me all goosebumpy!!!

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I find the 'judgement' seems to always go the way of SAHM (only some!) judging working mums, it is v politically incorrect to say anything the other way... and that FRUSTRATES me.
The other thing is a lot of this comes from men, many of my DH friends seem to expect that their wives (and me) should stay home -

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Back when my DD was young my DH put a lot of pressure on me to return to the paid workforce because he thought that being a SAHM was old fashioned and unnecessay these days... and that I was being slack "just" being at home.
He has done a 180"C turnaround these days though... NOW he understand why I am more exhausted at the end of each day than he is. Unfortunately though he reports back that many of his male colleagues pressure their wives to return to work before they are ready because they still don't value the work women do at home. So I think it goes both ways. But I agree.... everyone should do what's right for them.... every family situation is different... and men and women and SISTERS should all trust that we are all trying to do the right thing.

i used to be adament that i would be returning to full time work when i had kids and i have had many heated arguments with my in-laws over it!! i got very close to hitting my FIL when he told me one day that "it is NATURAL for a woman to look after kids full time, and that the man should earn the money". that's the way "mother nature" intended it, and that was the only "right" way - aarrrgghhh!!! this comment was in response to my suggestion that i thought that the ideal situation for us would be for both myself and my DH to work part-time, and share family duties and housework... my FIL actually laughed at me as if i was a basket case!! the idea was so totally ludicrous and "unnatural" to him!!
anyway, the funny thing is that now that i'm actually pregnant i can't wait to give up work and look after my baby!! i suspect that my enthusiasm for being a SAHM won't last forever though, and sooner or later i'll want to return to work. finances aren't an issue for us, so it will be more for my own sanity than anything else... my own mum was a SAHM and i enjoyed having her around, but many of my friends have been raised by working mothers and are all perfectly happy, well-rounded individuals, so in my opinion it is a happy, loving and safe home which is most important. kids are very adjustable creatures and as long as they know that mum and dad love them, they will thrive!
whether i choose to be a SAHM in the long run or return to work as a paid employee whilst also a mum, i know that both occupations will be much more challenging than anything i've done before, but the rewards will be better than anything that i can imagine...

tracey, the negative comments are nothing to do with you at all, and rather your sister's jealousy or own insecurities.. you know you're a fab mum and that you're a bl00dy hard worker, and so do your kids, so don't let her thoughtless comments bother you!

my DH was the SAHD for his two kids, he's quite prepared to do it all again when/if we have kids.

Tracey - you are an AMAZING mother!!!!!!!!!!!! Your sister is just jealous!

Hi Ladies

Just wanted to add that my mum is a single mum and has been since my father passed away when i was 6yrs old and she very muckh HAD to work full time (paying off his debt but thats another story) I am a child of childcare and i will still say that my mum is great and i wouldnt want another i love her so much and both my bother and mum and i are reall close, even closer than mum/daughter that were together 24/7 growing up.

I also want to add that i am a childcare worker and have been for 10years 6 yrs in England where most mothers work full time!! and i really take my hat off to mothers that do as it must be even harder to work all day then come home and care for children demanding your attention.

I WILL be returning to work when i have a baby because i want to, its important to me and socially to my child.(ask me again when i have bubs.lol)

Please dont listen to the neg comments

... one postive thing about being a SAHM though (which helps me when I'm feeling undervalued) is that my DD really appreciates me being able to attend all her sports days and carnivals. Hardly any parents at her school attend because they have to work and the kids that have their parents there are thought to be sooooo lucky :) When DH and I go along we have all the kids thronging around us seeking our attention in lieu of their own parents. What really annoys me is that workplaces don't value this aspect of their employee's lives. They still don't seem to get that an employee with a healthy work/life/family balance is going to be more productive than a parent who is miserable and resentful because they can't attend any of their children's school events. Hopefully this will change as demographics (ageing population etc) makes it more difficult for companies to find good employees.

I am lucky in I tell my boss I wont be in til late or I leave early or something due to school sports days (but they tend to do Twilight Sports), any day concerts etc, I attend about 90% of them & ikf I am not there, then my Mum makes sure she is or DH does!
They do organise a lot of Family things after school hours & I must sya the Sports nights are funny, almost all the families know each other & sit around cheering loudly, eating a BBQ & drinking!!! It's quite enjoyable....

I refuse to ask permission to attend my kids activities, I simply say I will be late or leave early depending on the time, I have always said my kids come first & if work dont like it sack me....!

:Hugs: Tracey Don't listen to the negative comments I also think they are made out of petty jealousy, and booo to your mum for even relaying such drivvle and causing conflict, she could have told her to pull her head in and that could have been the end of it without upsetting you.
I'm a conflicted soul I love staying at home with my babies, I love doing the housewife thing and most of the time I think I do a pretty good job of it. But I love working, I love that adult stimultion, conversation, using my brain for more then 123 abc, circle square triangle and yellow, blue and green and so on. I have a Nursing degree but I don't use it anymore because 2 shift working parents just doesn't work in our house. Day care cost would be astronomical for us so I really can't afford to work. That's why I went back to Uni this year to get a Grad Dip of Ed (early childhood), so that maybe not next year but the year after I could go back to work doing something I love, (working with children) When I go on prac in a few weeks for a month It will cost us $760 per week minus the 16%. for the three littlies, Huge. Way more than our house payment. But I love having options so I made the choice to study. I could work supply on day care days, it would only cover the cost of child care but I would be getting experience in the classroom. Every family is different and has different needs. You need to do what you need to do in the best interests of your family.
DH has always supported me for the choices I make about whether to work or not to work, I am lucky because I don't have to do it, but I can choose to if I wish. I think he secretly wants me to be at home with the kids but no pressure either way.
The girls love that I can get to their sports days, or special parades or classroom activities and I do to, I feel sorry for those who can't. As Bath said it is sad that some workplaces don't provide leave for those special days, people could put in a leave form for the day if they really wanted to but then that cuts into their leave for holidays so either way they are missing out somewhere. DH work has Family leave days which equates to a few days a year on top of holiday leave and he could use it for those days. I'll just put the kids in the same school I get a job at so I can still attend their sports days.

OMG, I can't believe some of the comments some of you have copped!

As if we all wouldn't like to win lotto and choose what to do with our lives! Still doesn't mean we'd stay at home all the time, but I think some women must live in a bubble!!

For the record, my Mum was a SAHM and for as long as I can remember I always looked at her and thought "I'm not going to do that, I'm going to make sure I have something outside of home to do". Now I am a Mum there are some days I'd looooove to be a SAHM and other days where I think about what we are going to be able to do and the example I'm trying to set for my DD throughout her childhood, not just now, by juggling work and motherhood.

Tracy, your sister sounds like she can't be bothered getting a job that will make life a bit harder. Stuck in a bit of a comfortable rut...