Maz's train left with my two angels
IM a pretty black and white person and honestly, I scare a few people with how I am. So I hope I dont offend any one out there with what I am about to post because its just the way I am and how I cope.
I suffered really bad migrainse on the pill, so I decided with Jed to take a break for a month, do a detox to myself and just 'tango' around but be carefull not to when we o/v ect. HA didnt work. I just have to look at Jed's willy and i swear I fall pg. We were classed as highly fertile when I got my tubes reversed (had to have a few tests for it)
Started to get a bit excited but not to much, had a funny feeling as you sometime get. Started roughly planning some things and it just didnt feel right.
Had an u/s on wednesday (I think) the 14th March, saw 'squirmy' at the beginning stages but still to early to detect properly.
Started bleeding friday after 'tangoing' roughly..blasted Jed lol. Got a bit heavier on saturday and I went to the emergency department. Tested and said cause I had no clots or no cramping that I could possible still be pg and to go home a rest. Bleeding stopped sunday morning (YAY). This whole time I had the worst m/s and ate a blasted pizza for breakfast one morning :redface: . Bleeding started monday afternoon again, still no cramps or clots. Cramps like period pain started tuesday night in bed so wednesday when the bleeding was worse, I went to the emergency department again.
Bloods were done and showed my HCG levels dropping so off to u/s i went. Very educational really. Got a great guy fresh from Sydney and he explained everything. Told me about a ENDO (I think thats what it was called) Its were the baby is attacthed to the womb and leaves like an inprint of itsself. He says ' see there is one and there is number two' I just said 'what the f $$$' as you do. Yep, by the way one of the endo's had decreased he said I passed one approx 5 days ago (saturday) and the other on only 24-48 hours ago. So I was pg with twins. I think I was more shocked about being pg with twins than m/s really. In saying this, I am also releaved. They say that early bleeding in a pg can mean that something may be wrong with your baby even if you still carry to full term. I dont think I could handle another child with a disability, let alone 2. So I am greatful in one respect that if there was something wrong, that my babies decided it was their time to go, but they were apart of me and for a brief momment, I was a mummy to 5.
I didnt really get upset about my babies going on their own way. I suppose the big man up stairs had other plans for them and their on their way to a new mummy and daddy that I bet will love them just as much. I dont really get upset until someone asks if im alright and am I coping. $hit no, im alright on the outside but im tearing away my flesh from the inside. Its amazing the faces we have to wear in our society and around those we love. If I show im upset around my kids, they will ask questions and I dont want to close myself of in my self pity from them. It just wants me want to hug and hold them even more.
So on Wednesday the 21st of March my darling little Willo and Sunni found a new journey to fullfill. I'll never forget you both. I love you
thanks guys for being wonder friends
xxmaz
